Sex act without permission...not sure how to feel?

[pushtheskyaway]

This happened a few weeks ago now, and I really don't know if I am over-reacting or not?

I have a sexual partner (not officially a couple due to age difference; I am 34 and he is 20) who I have been sleeping with since the spring. We were lazing around in bed hungover, and I was frankly that tired I was half awake at best. I was lying on my front, and he started touching me; which then progressed to sex. I was kind of into it, but not feeling it 100% as I was so exhausted. My partner then suddenly pulled out, and attempted to penetrate me anally!

We have never done anal, nor even talked about the possibility of doing it before. There was no discussion, he didn't ask for my consent...just tried to stick it in! I went ballistic with him, and he apologised but couldn't really explain why he had done it.

I know he is young, has doubtless seen it in porn and whatnot, but I can't help but feel a bit violated. He had a few sexual issues when we first got together; which I have helped him to over come. Now I feel my reward is to have him try and painfully ram himself up my back passage. I would appreciate others viewpoints as I really don't know if I should give him the benefit of the doubt or not? It is not the act itself that I am against; more so the way he went about it...

I'm sorry lurker but it seems to me that what calindana is asking IS what you are saying.

He had touched me before, we had had vaginal intercourse before, therefore I shouldn't be surprised/upset if he attempts to stick his penis in my anus without permission? Your saying it's obvious people don't sit down and talk about these things is advance, but you're also saying I therefore shouldn't be surprised if he suddenly attempts anal without any warning?

I am a bit confused by your statement tbh.

you're saying excuse my grammar.

Lurker - does the same go for acts of sado-masochism? If the woman has consented to sexual contact then she's consented to everything the man can think of unless she tells him no in advance??

Have a word with yourself, pal!

My point is a man can not assume consent but because the OP just allowed her partner to touch her then have sex with her, without communicating with him there was assumed consent on his part. But where does that assumed consent begin and where does it end? Who knows? Her partner obviously didn't know. Because there was no communication between them how was he to know that straight sex was ok but anal sex wasn't?

The yes means yes bill just passed in California deals with this, it can't be assumed a lack of resistance means consent is given, there must be a conscious and voluntary agreement.

The op's partner assumed there was consent wrongly but unless he's a mind reader how was he to know he was wrong? I just think because of that people are being a little hard on him.

Pompodd, your comment proves you know nothing about bdsm, no Dom or Domme would ever do anything that hadn't been agreed to beforehand.

That is total and utter bullshit lurker.

Assumed consent ends when you decide to do something that could seriously hurt your partner, that you have never done before and that you haven't asked about in the past. It is very very straightforward and there is no grey area here. If you find that hard to understand then you are a dangerous person.

Hmm, well...I'm not sure that OP's partner "assumed there was consent wrongly". Didn't he really just try it on and hope she'd go with the flow? So he tried to have sex with her without her consenting to it first.

He didn't have to be a mind reader at all. He just needed to get explicit consent for an act that they hadn't done before and which he had no reason to believe OP wanted (and certainly not because she had consented to vaginal sex - that's crazy talk).

I think you're in dangerous territory here, lurker.

Unfortunately there does seem to be a generation of young men now that have grown up with pornography and seem to think that shit like this is perfectly normal and acceptable, like a poster further up the thread I feel for young women nowadays.

It's the lack of consent that is the problem here really though isn't it? The act in itself is grand if everyone is up for it and finds it enjoyable, I quite like anal sex but again as someone else up thread said men have a prostate and it's better for us

Myempireofdirt, that's it though, these things often don't get discussed.

Oh, lurker. You're not making this easy. Why do you think in bdsm explicit consent is always obtained beforehand? Because there's a risk of harm and/or acts being carried out that one of the parties would not consent to.

It's exactly the same here! OP cannot and should not be assumed to have consented to something where there is a risk of harm and it's a new act for them both together. This quibbling about where consent begins and ends is a red herring, in my opinion.

Cailindana, how is it bullshit? How do you know it would 'seriously hurt her' or that it's something they hadn't done before? Your just making wild assumptions and slinging insults to back up your argument.

So you ARE saying that it is fine to attempt any sexual act you choose upon a partner, as long as they haven't expressly said that they don't want you to do so?

If you agree with the yes means yes bill; then you should actually think the opposite. If a lack of resistance can't be taken as consent; then my partner was even more out of line not more? By that bills argument anyway...

Thehoneybadger (love the name btw)

"quite like it' and if done properly 'doesn't hurt'???? that's your idea of sexual pleasure?
"

I guess i don't sound overly enthused because i have sort of got that particular T-shirt! Had you asked me while i was still wearing the Tshirt i would have been, yeah its fucking fantastic and it gives me the best orgasms ever. And well, its no good if it hurts!

A lot of faff? Fuck, i'm just showing my age I'd rather have a cup of tea these days

I clearly stated up thread lurker that we haven't had anal before, nor discussed it.

I think any sensible person is also going to realise that putting your penis in someone's anus without any additional lubrication is going to hurt?

For the record...my partner is also bi, so quite frankly I would have expected him to have a bit more grasp of the etiquette for these things than he proved to have. Young or not!

Pompodd I'm not quibbling, im making the point that because the of a lack of communication between them her partner attempted something she'd rather he hadn't. If it is wrong for him to assume it was ok to attempt anal sex why isn't it wrong for him to assume consent for vaginal sex?

There is either consent or there isn't, there is no grey area but if it's left to one partner to make assumptions about where consent begins and where it ends this kind of thing can happen. As I said earlier, a lack of communication and his relative inexperience caused it to happen.

I had an ex that did this once. Then once more. Then again.
Then he spiked my drink and anally raped me several times. I never sought medical attention but he had caused some damage that took a bit of time to settle down.
I wouldnt put myself in an intimate situation again with someone who tried this. It would be a deal breaker. Some things need a proper, explicit "do you want to try this?" first. Ramming your unlubed penis up someones arse generally will cause pain. It can cause bleeding. It can cause muscle weakness. Im pretty sure it can cause injuries to the penis too which is no more than these rapey bastards deserve

Myempireofdirt, if they aren't making the right noises and movements then it's safe to assume consent isn't given then? Wouldn't it be to late by then?

Anal sex without warning the other person first and without lube when you have never attempted it before (which the OP stated was the case) will definitely hurt the receiver, that's just biology lurker.

Lurker, if you genuinely can't tell from another person's body language when they're enjoying something and when they're not then I would say you have a pretty serious communication disorder that you need to get help for.

It always boggles me that men seem to understand when someone wants to talk to them, when it's the right time to shake hands etc but when it comes to sex they suddenly lose all ability to read body language and make "mistakes" like shoving parts of their body into someone else.