Sex act without permission...not sure how to feel?

[pushtheskyaway]

This happened a few weeks ago now, and I really don't know if I am over-reacting or not?

I have a sexual partner (not officially a couple due to age difference; I am 34 and he is 20) who I have been sleeping with since the spring. We were lazing around in bed hungover, and I was frankly that tired I was half awake at best. I was lying on my front, and he started touching me; which then progressed to sex. I was kind of into it, but not feeling it 100% as I was so exhausted. My partner then suddenly pulled out, and attempted to penetrate me anally!

We have never done anal, nor even talked about the possibility of doing it before. There was no discussion, he didn't ask for my consent...just tried to stick it in! I went ballistic with him, and he apologised but couldn't really explain why he had done it.

I know he is young, has doubtless seen it in porn and whatnot, but I can't help but feel a bit violated. He had a few sexual issues when we first got together; which I have helped him to over come. Now I feel my reward is to have him try and painfully ram himself up my back passage. I would appreciate others viewpoints as I really don't know if I should give him the benefit of the doubt or not? It is not the act itself that I am against; more so the way he went about it...

He is just a lad trying to have a bit of fun

Which is why there's still a lot of "date rape".
Trying it on without consent can from from sexual assault to rape.
If you are a man. You've been warned. Don't act surprised if you get a police visit at some point.
If you are a woman, stop excusing these creeps and report them.

Plotless is a man, Lweji, he's said so on other threads.

As it's all such a bit of fun, I'm sure he would be happy to invite the OP's ex round for tea, scones and an unwanted attempt at penetrating the plotless anus.

You have no right to know the update and it is entirely up to OP what she does.

Most rapes are not reported. But you know that, MM. It's mainly because of the attitude of people like you and your braindead mate there.

Op made it clear that she was hiding the thread ten days ago, in part after your posts, MM. So your requests for an update are pretty odious.

You are quite the piece of work, aren't you, MM ? Got some loser friends egging you on somewhere have you ?

Well as I said it should be reported. As for my friend situation, I do have a food number of friends though not sure any are "egging me on".

so, if she doesn't report it didn't happen ? Is that what you are saying ?

Your 7:55 post sounds like you are almost gloating over the fact that pushtheskyaway has so little recourse to justice. It's smug and creepy.

have you ever got away with rape, MM ?

this thread prompted me to ask an old friend/chatting loads on facebook lately and half jokingly flirting with it about his views on anal sex. it literally made me think actually i want to know this guys views on this stuff before i even consider flirting more re: does he think 'anal' is normal and to be expected, is he porn affected etc. was relieved to find he doesn't quite get it, has done it on request but wasn't fussed AND he was capable of a discussion about what it must be like for young women today who are expected to pluck every hair from their body and take it up the arse just to be considered 'normal'.

i don't think every male on the planet is porn addled and incapable of thinking through what life is like for women but i do think there are enough of them who are to make it worth a woman's while to make these kind of casual enquiries (much as consent can be ascertained without a written contract if you have half a brain and aren't an entitled twat who thinks if a body is in front of them it's theirs to do what they will with unless they get punched in the face you can also subtly ascertain people's sexual and gender attitudes) of potential partners.

a man's ability to show he's thought about this stuff and is able to feel empathy for young women in the pornified context of modern times is a pretty good baseline test imo for whether they're worth spending more time on.

Good post Badger.

Very true Badger. IME though, although I don't know if this is also the case for older women, not only is anal sex becoming a bigger feature but so is sending sexual pictures or even films but generally pictures. I have lost count of the amount of times I've been asked to send pictures. Both anal sex and sending sexy pictures requires a great deal of trust and I wouldn't do either with someone I wasn't in a long term committed relationship with. I had a discussion with my ex partner about anal sex as I was trying to gauge his views in a similar way to you at the beginning of our relationship and his response was similar to your friend, didn't get what the big deal is etc. He later on down the line asked me to send sexual pictures of myself and I said no several times or I said I'd think about it but I never clearly said yes. He later filmed me having sex without my knowledge and he certainly never asked beforehand whether he could do it. He just did it. This isn't quite the same situation as the OP but I was still shocked that someone who I thought to be a caring, considerate person thought that was acceptable. My own sister didn't think it was a big deal and said "well you're his girlfriend." So I don't blame the OP for hiding this thread when people have attitudes like that.

Someone else said she thinks what my ex did shows some very nasty tendencies. What the OP's friend did shows some very nasty tendencies. He may be lovely and sweet in day to day life but what he did shows a disturbing lack of boundaries. Sadly, I think there are a lot of "normal" men out there who do lack boundaries whether that's because of overexposure to porn or what, I don't know. I read an old thread on here once about someone saying her HUSBAND of 20 years had posted sexual videos of her online without her consent. I think that kind of thing, along with what the OP went through stems from some kind of weird ownership of women's bodies that some men feel entitled to. I have no idea if some men actually think that way, I'm sure it's not that clear-cut in their minds but there does seem to be some kind of underlying culture that it's okay for men to behave this way because people will make excuses for them "boys will be boys," "it's just what men do" (that chestnut was from my dear mother who calls herself a feminist! WTF?!)

thank you lweji - i just think if we're actually accepting that porn has affected the group mind of men and their sexuality then assessing that must become part of a woman's sorting the wheat from the chaff process.

i consider myself fortunate that i generally don't give a fuck about fitting the 'what a woman should be/think/do/look like' box but i'm aware that some people don't really consciously acknowledge that box or where they fit with it or where they'd want a partner to fit with it.

i'm also lucky that i have a mixed class background and comfort with, and potential attraction to, all sectors of society and nationalities etc and am confident to cross lines and be as 'uncouth' as needed and unphased by what is and isn't 'polite conversation' but in such a way as to open people up and explore their attitudes in a confident way. women ideally would be confident to ask questions and raise topics in a natural warm way that allowed them to know who they were dealing with before climbing in bed with someone. if you have that it's easy to take it for granted but reading on here for some years it's clear some women still feel a massive amount of reserve and restriction in talking to men.

realistically if a guy can't cope with you bringing into conversation trends of pubic hair removal, anal sex and attitudes towards porn then....? is it really someone you want to jump into intimacy with or feel confident to assert yourself happily and comfortably with in the bedroom?

some of the stuff you read on here makes you wonder if some women still feel the need to.... be ladylike to the point of virtually being raped rather than assert themselves and talk frankly and think and feel frankly about their own sexual preferences and desires. if you happen to be a confident non desperate for a 'boyfriend' type person it's easy to overlook that actually there are still large numbers of women quietly performing their sexuality and personality in such a way as to please men and complimentary numbers of men willing to take advantage of that reticence and restriction in order to pretend they don't know they're hurting, humiliating or generally not giving authentic pleasure to women.

i suppose if i had a wish it would be that every woman could feel totally confident in saying fuck that i don't fancy it or yes please i love a bit of that or get the fuck away from me you sleazy misogynist wanker. but just because some of us can and we happen to be the most vocal (because we're comfy talking about this stuff and not bogged down with shame and self censorship) does not mean there aren't still plenty of women being subjected to hellish sexual encounters (from thinking of england and never having an orgasm to out and out rape) and not actually expecting better.

x posted pandora - that is awful! seriously. and yes, massive doses of entitlement supported by attitudes from both men and women that declare this is normal male behaviour.

it's not.

normal people don't dream of doing such things.