Sex act without permission...not sure how to feel?

[pushtheskyaway]

This happened a few weeks ago now, and I really don't know if I am over-reacting or not?

I have a sexual partner (not officially a couple due to age difference; I am 34 and he is 20) who I have been sleeping with since the spring. We were lazing around in bed hungover, and I was frankly that tired I was half awake at best. I was lying on my front, and he started touching me; which then progressed to sex. I was kind of into it, but not feeling it 100% as I was so exhausted. My partner then suddenly pulled out, and attempted to penetrate me anally!

We have never done anal, nor even talked about the possibility of doing it before. There was no discussion, he didn't ask for my consent...just tried to stick it in! I went ballistic with him, and he apologised but couldn't really explain why he had done it.

I know he is young, has doubtless seen it in porn and whatnot, but I can't help but feel a bit violated. He had a few sexual issues when we first got together; which I have helped him to over come. Now I feel my reward is to have him try and painfully ram himself up my back passage. I would appreciate others viewpoints as I really don't know if I should give him the benefit of the doubt or not? It is not the act itself that I am against; more so the way he went about it...

If consent exists then there is no assault. So you are taking crap, Lucy.

It is crazy how butt sex has become 'expected' now. I've got no problem with it very very occasionally, but frankly, I explain that it's not good for your body, can cause prolapse (really sexy huh?!) and that if he's still really keen, we are role reversing so he can experience it. Fair's fair. I say this semi-seriously so as not to scare him, but I'm actually serious as hell. And same goes for the 'shaved completely off' look. I will if he will. I'm certainly not anti-porn, but men do need to recognise real life is different and the key to that is good communication.

Also, please do clarify your statement:
However where we will disagree is that the absolutist line you advocate in my opinion harms women, and harms the prospects of prosecution. The statistics back that up.

How does it damage women, how does it harm the prospects of prosecution and how do the statistics back that up?

On the contrary, having to say no hinders women, and allows men to rape before we have the chance to say no or we feel unable to say no.

i'm sorry but i'm thinking you must have seriously fucked up your anus to think that slipping into it when having vaginal sex from behind is very easy. maybe it is if it has been fucked into slack submission but nothing 'slips' into my anus.

Afraid anal sex has becomes the new normal, be that right or wrong. And yes, it is driven from porn.

It is still not legal to penetrate a woman wherever without her consent.

The discussion about whether anal is considered normal or not is irrelevant.

We aren't talking about kissing/touching in an established relationship Lucy. You are being disingenuous. We are talking penetration. Penetrating someone when they are half asleep, have already said they aren't interested and then penetrating them, in that state in the anus, when no discussion has been had previously nor any indication AT ALL that the OP wanted that to happen.

The law decides what is rape, not the woman or the man. How a woman feels about her rape, though, is entirely up to her.

Really men should just stop raping women, show us respect and acknowledge that they have NO right to our bodies. Then we wouldn't have to waste our energy on stupid fucking arguments like Lucy is proposing.

I can understand why Lucy might think stranger rape would somehow be worse than rape by a partner but the reality would be different, rape is rape.

You wouldn't say being stabbed by a partner would be awful but being stabbed by a stranger would be worse, would you?

Sadly I agree that anal sex has become the new normal driven not only by porn but also by middle class chick lit (Bridget Jones). None of this stuff involves a new normal lube - no doubt a great marketing opportunity there.

I find it rather depressing that when having "the talk" with Ds I'm gonna have to talk to him about anal sex. Whatever happened to love in all of this?

You can be in love and like it up the bum.

Those who think it's the 'new normal' - what are you basing that on? Your sons and what they say or...?

It's not something I've come across when dating younger men at all. Or any men, in fact.

Almost all the young men (under 30) I sleep with want anal sex. One or two of my friends aren't interested but at least 50% are. I don't really enjoy it anymore so explicitly tell new partners in advance now to save the awkwardness during (by which I mean them asking during). As I've already said despite most claiming to want/like anal sex I am still yet to have someone attempt to rape me- I am not normalising that whatsoever!

I'm sure I've read that rates of anal rape have risen since the increase in anal sex featuring in porn (and obviously the increased accessibility of porn). I don't recall where or based on what study(s) though so people will have to look for themselves to satisfy how "true" it is.

And none of the over 30s do?

Not my experience at all.

For lucy

everydayfeminism.com/2014/10/sex-offenders-get-away/

Sorry smelly I cant comment on them as I've never slept with someone over 30.

Re. i'm sorry but i'm thinking you must have seriously fucked up your anus to think that slipping into it when having vaginal sex from behind is very easy. maybe it is if it has been fucked into slack submission but nothing 'slips' into my anus.

This happened to me once with ExH and I can assure you I'd never done it before nor have I since! Wasn't from behind either. I think we were both equally taken by surprise and he was keen to ensure I knew it wasn't deliberate. He wasn't under endowed either before any one suggests that.

I don't think anal is the new norm but in my experience, a lot of women like and enjoy anal.

It is not something you can ever spring on someone but many seem more than willing to indulge or even try it for the first time.

As a man I enjoy both and do like the variety, partner willing of course.

This isn't a thread about whether you like anal sex. It is a thread for someone coping with being raped. How fucking inconsiderate and lacking in empathy can you be?

Scallops, there's no need for that. I am sure the OP would/should have reported him so no doubt it's all in hand.

Reported who, MM?

Do you get what you effectively did? If a woman was posting about a friend trying to rape her after a party, would "some women like sex after a party" be a relevant post?

MM, your appreciation of anal sex is misplaced on this thread. And weird.

MM- your post is inappropriate. This is not about what you think; it's about the OP being sexually abused.

Rape is penetration without consent.

He attempted to penetrate her without her consent.

You do the math, plotless.

brown stripes - urgh