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Original poster

Sex act without permission...not sure how to feel?

341 replies

pushtheskyaway · 02/10/2014 01:49

This happened a few weeks ago now, and I really don't know if I am over-reacting or not?

I have a sexual partner (not officially a couple due to age difference; I am 34 and he is 20) who I have been sleeping with since the spring. We were lazing around in bed hungover, and I was frankly that tired I was half awake at best. I was lying on my front, and he started touching me; which then progressed to sex. I was kind of into it, but not feeling it 100% as I was so exhausted. My partner then suddenly pulled out, and attempted to penetrate me anally!

We have never done anal, nor even talked about the possibility of doing it before. There was no discussion, he didn't ask for my consent...just tried to stick it in! I went ballistic with him, and he apologised but couldn't really explain why he had done it.

I know he is young, has doubtless seen it in porn and whatnot, but I can't help but feel a bit violated. He had a few sexual issues when we first got together; which I have helped him to over come. Now I feel my reward is to have him try and painfully ram himself up my back passage. I would appreciate others viewpoints as I really don't know if I should give him the benefit of the doubt or not? It is not the act itself that I am against; more so the way he went about it...

OP posts:
pompodd · 02/10/2014 14:20

honeybadger - not sure I agree with you there, actually. Whilst I don't really want to have anal sex with my wife (and she doesn't want to have it with me either!) saying that because straight men don't want it done to them means they are only thinking of their pleasure isn't right.

I reckon most straight men are hardwired because of evolution to enjoy penetration - at the risk of giving TMI: to become hard and to penetrate. And most straight women are hardwired to become soft/wet and enjoy the sensation of being penetrated. Whilst anal sex is a variation on that theme, I can see (even though I don't particularly want to do it myself) why some straight men and women do. And I don't think those men that want to do it - and do it consensually with women - should be criticised for being selfish because they don't want to be penetrated themselves.

loloftherings · 02/10/2014 14:26

If they are getting the idea from porn (and I think they are, via mates sometimes) then yes the lady receiving it in porn does seem to enjoy it in most cases (there is some nasty porn which seems to focus on humiliation though).
So why wouldn't they think it was pleasurable for the recipient? Porn tells them it is.

Original poster
pushtheskyaway · 02/10/2014 14:29

Strictly speaking men are more likely to get pleasure from anal penetration anyway...they have the prostate gland up there after all. Wink

There is nothing wrong with men or women wanting anal sex. I am not against it in anyway. There is something wrong with someone assuming a right to it, and not asking permission before attempting to take it though. It is all about consent and boundaries. Unfortunately once they have been stomped on it is very hard to get the trust back.

OP posts:
TheHoneyBadger · 02/10/2014 14:30

they do have brains as well as penis'. they also have arseholes and will have experienced the pain of a bowel movement after constipation.

it's not rocket science.

yes the women appear to enjoy it in porn - you also if you were daft enough would think that women could have orgasms from giving a blow job given the orgasm noises the actresses are supposed to give whilst doing it. whilst yes this is a disturbing influence grown men surely have the brains to see that porn is not real and a woman doesn't have a clitoris half way down her throat?

Original poster
pushtheskyaway · 02/10/2014 14:31

Lolo. My guy actually commented not long ago that he didn't really like watching porn any more. He said he had started to find it frustrating now that he knows women mostly don't enjoy the acts portrayed in it in real life.

A very telling comment I thought...

OP posts:
TheHoneyBadger · 02/10/2014 14:32

so shock horror it occurs to him that a) it's not real and b) the women being filmed are likely in pain? bless him. quite a leap he's made there. shame he didn't apply that quantum realisation to your anus.

Original poster
pushtheskyaway · 02/10/2014 14:33

Well exactly HoneyBadger. Sad

OP posts:
loloftherings · 02/10/2014 14:40

TheHoneyBadger I think many men do have the brains to see that porn is not real, but plenty of them, especially young inexperienced guys, do think it's representative of real sex, sadly.
I don't think it's always malicious. But can be, of course.

TheHoneyBadger · 02/10/2014 14:50

it's basic empathy surely? if i guy with a throat of his own can't empathise that choking on a penis shoved down your throat whilst someone pushes your head till your gag would not be nice then? there are bigger problems than 'inexperience' there eg. not having empathy full stop or not seeing women as creatures with real feelings/needs/whatever TO empathise with.

if that was just a matter of experience and maturity i don't suppose we'd have the porn industry we have or the taste and viewing figures we have for hardcore porn that centers around degradation and objectification.

LoisPuddingLane · 02/10/2014 14:52

I've had that head pushing/gagging thing. I did NOT like it and made it very clear.

loloftherings · 02/10/2014 14:58

I think empathy comes with experience too.
I don't remember being too empathetic at 16-20yo and I feel a bit bad about it now.
Some people mature faster than others though.
Looking back I don't think I was very 'adult' at 20, but others are.

TheHoneyBadger · 02/10/2014 14:59

did you not find it empowering lois? Grin

lurkernowposter · 02/10/2014 15:00

Pushthesky - just out of interest, while you were laid on your front half asleep did he ask permission to begin touching you? Did you give your consent to that? Did you give verbal consent when this progressed to you having sex?

LoisPuddingLane · 02/10/2014 15:07

Oh yeah, MASSIVELY empowering... Smile

Original poster
pushtheskyaway · 02/10/2014 15:12

He didn't lurker, but I am not sure that I would really expect him to do so? I just felt like it was a hideously inappropriate time (me hungover and sleepy) to attempt to introduce anal onto the menu.

The thing is (and this is going to sound a bit dodgy I know) he is pretty good at what he does to me (too much information, sorry) Therefore he is pretty good at generally "persuading me" to have sex even when I am not quite in the mood. So he probably thought in this situation it was again just a case of persuading me.

That sounds terrible written down. I know what I mean, but it's really hard to put into words!

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 02/10/2014 15:14

You might not expect him to ask permission to touch you, but if you weren't actually conscious it is a grey area when it comes to consent.

Original poster
pushtheskyaway · 02/10/2014 15:18

I was concious Lois. I was just really exhausted, and not at my best. He had been getting quite agitated because we were lying in bed, and I kept falling asleep. I could barely keep my eyes open.

Then it progressed to him touching me, and then what happened happened.

It sounds bad written down, but it's honestly not as dodgy a situation as it sounds...

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 02/10/2014 15:20

Well it does sound a bit dodgy. In your original post you say you were half awake at best. That means not fully conscious. Here you say you kept falling asleep. So you weren't actually properly conscious.

Original poster
pushtheskyaway · 02/10/2014 15:23

I had kept falling asleep, but I had started to wake up a bit when he started touching me. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

I knew what has happening. I was just still really tired; definitely too tired to do much apart from lie there.

OP posts:
lurkernowposter · 02/10/2014 15:25

You get my point though, as far as I know there's no unwritten rule allows a man to assume consent until it comes to anal sex. As you'd never even discussed it he wasn't to know it was off the menu. I think you need to put that episode down to his youth and relative inexperience and your lack of communication about what was acceptable and what was off limits.

Original poster
pushtheskyaway · 02/10/2014 15:30

I'm not sure if I do get your point lurker.

Are you saying that he had a right to attempt anal because I hadn't said in advance that it was off the menu? That would suggest that in every sexual relationship the woman has to communicate every sex act that is/isn't acceptable to her before getting into bed. If she fails to do this then the man can't be blamed for attempting it without asking?

For the record; anal isn't necessarily off the menu for me. However it is an act that I would consider should not be attempted without asking. It can be both painful and damaging if not done right, and surely common decency would mean you should ask before attempting it?

OP posts:
cailindana · 02/10/2014 15:37

I'm not sure I quite understand you either lurker. Are you saying that in a sexual situation a man can assume consent, as in, just go ahead and do what he likes as long as the woman hasn't explicitly told him not to?

lurkernowposter · 02/10/2014 15:39

My point is, if you just allow him to touch you and then just allow him to have sex with you how was he to know you wouldn't just allow him to have anal sex? Obviously your not going to sit down and discuss in detail what your going to do and not do before you get in to bed but on the other hand how will he know unless you tell him?

lurkernowposter · 02/10/2014 15:41

No cailindana, in fact I said the complete opposite.

cailindana · 02/10/2014 15:43

I don't understand what you're saying at all sorry lurker.

I think you're saying, if you allow him to touch you then you are allowing him to do whatever else he wants to do, as long as you don't specifically say he can't do it, which to me means a man can assume consent. But in your 15:41 post you say you said the complete opposite, so I'm confused.

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