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Original poster

Sex act without permission...not sure how to feel?

341 replies

pushtheskyaway · 02/10/2014 01:49

This happened a few weeks ago now, and I really don't know if I am over-reacting or not?

I have a sexual partner (not officially a couple due to age difference; I am 34 and he is 20) who I have been sleeping with since the spring. We were lazing around in bed hungover, and I was frankly that tired I was half awake at best. I was lying on my front, and he started touching me; which then progressed to sex. I was kind of into it, but not feeling it 100% as I was so exhausted. My partner then suddenly pulled out, and attempted to penetrate me anally!

We have never done anal, nor even talked about the possibility of doing it before. There was no discussion, he didn't ask for my consent...just tried to stick it in! I went ballistic with him, and he apologised but couldn't really explain why he had done it.

I know he is young, has doubtless seen it in porn and whatnot, but I can't help but feel a bit violated. He had a few sexual issues when we first got together; which I have helped him to over come. Now I feel my reward is to have him try and painfully ram himself up my back passage. I would appreciate others viewpoints as I really don't know if I should give him the benefit of the doubt or not? It is not the act itself that I am against; more so the way he went about it...

OP posts:
ItsFunnierInEnochian · 02/10/2014 10:45

Its the one and only time I've ever struck anyone. Having told him no several times previous I just lost it with him.

TheHoneyBadger · 02/10/2014 10:47

i hate reading things like this. imagine being sixteen on the receiving end of that and literally surrounded by people who are porn programmed?

feel for young girls!

i have never had the desire to have anal sex, vaguely attempted it and abandoned it within ten seconds with an early boyfriend of mine.

let's face it 'i fucked her up the arse' is a statement of power and yay me for degrading her. it's not a sexual desire so much as a power desire.

LoisPuddingLane · 02/10/2014 10:50

I think that's true. About the desire to degrade and wield power. I wonder also if it's a symptom of "wanking death grip" because it's tighter. And I wonder what the hell we do about it? Arsefuck obsession seems to be endemic.

KoalaKoo · 02/10/2014 10:52

The problem is, to the ignorant, porn really does make it seem like you stick it up someone's bum in exactly the same way as you have normal sex, no prep and no lube. I think it is horrible, and it has happened to me twice, but if your partner has zero real life experience I think it is far less bad than it instinctively feels, they have no idea how far removed from reality porn is.

LoisPuddingLane · 02/10/2014 10:54

But have they never tried sticking something up their own bum? It's really, really difficult!

WitchWay · 02/10/2014 10:57

Anal sex can be really enjoyable but you have to (a) be in the mood (b) know that it is about to happen (c) be really well lubed (d) take it very slowly at least to begin with

Ramming it in any old how up to the hilt is not likely to be pleasant

KoalaKoo · 02/10/2014 11:04

Lois, no I'm quite sure none of them have, in fact most would probably be horrified at the idea

LoisPuddingLane · 02/10/2014 11:29

That should be a condition of entry. "You first, matey. Lube? Nah..."

newbieman1978 · 02/10/2014 11:45

Just to give a male view.......In my early 20's I didn't know the rules of Anal sex because of this I didn't try and put my willy anywhere near the bum. I was too scared!

It was only when I had a relationship with a girl that asked if I'd like to try it I was tought the how to so to speak.

My wife now has never shown an interest in anal so I've never asked, she knows me well enough to know that very little is beyond limits in the bedroom so I wouldn't be offened if she did want it. I take from her silence on the subject that she isn't into it.

I think that porn is a problem to a point these days as it seems to have got more extreme.

Matildathecat · 02/10/2014 12:15

There was a really interesting item on Women's Hour a couple of weeks ago about anal sex. It especially highlighted that young men do indeed perceive this as a 'trophy' to brag about to their mates. Yes, porn makes it seem very easy, enjoyable and some kind of 'Platinum Sex'. Very interestingly they also talked a lot in their interviews about 'slips' ie 'it was an accident, I didn't really intend to do it' ( yeah, right). The young women almost unanimously did not want anal sex but felt that they were under pressure to give it in order to keep their boyfriends.

Hopefully women are strong enough to tell any man to go fuck himself if they try any little 'slips' or are being coercive. It's probably not talked about enough between women, though so probably there are a lot of women, especially young women, putting up with it when it's very much not what they want.

OP, I don't think you will be able to trust this man again. Well I wouldn't.

Original poster
pushtheskyaway · 02/10/2014 12:32

I think it is seen as something to brag about to their mates. Also, they perceive it as something that needs to be ticked off a list of activities perhaps?

It is the sheer entitlement of it that gets me the most. This idea that women's bodies exist purely for male gratification seems to be getting more and more prevalent.

There is a difference between an accidental and deliberate slip. I have an ex who did genuinely slip up once in the dark, and he was utterly, utterly mortified. He couldn't apologise enough.

It isn't so much that I don't trust him now; more that it has (rightly or wrongly) altered the way I view him as perceiving me. I thought he was a "better" man than that (even if he is very young) Finding out that he apparently isn't is a bitter pill to swallow.

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 02/10/2014 12:40

I don't see how you can slip. The bumhole is not an open door...

MyEmpireOfDirt · 02/10/2014 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fudgeface123 · 02/10/2014 12:50

I can understand what the bloke gets out of it, but in what way is it enjoyable for a woman? I'm asking because I've never done it, have no desire to do it.

Finola1step · 02/10/2014 12:51

You are a mature woman, he is a young lad. You see each other a couple of times a month, for sex. He tried it on when you were tired and hungover because he saw it as an opportunity. This is because to him, you are a sexual plaything, booty call, fuck buddy etc etc.

If you wish the status quo to continue, then go ahead. If not, dump him.

pompodd · 02/10/2014 12:52

Speaking as a man, I just don't really "get" anal sex. I'm in my late 30s so perhaps this is a relatively recent/new thing that younger men have picked up from watching porn. But, fundamentally, I don't really find the idea attractive or arousing at all (and can understand why lots of women would not too).

Am I alone?

LEMmingaround · 02/10/2014 12:56

You talk about this "man" like you would an errant teenager if im very honest. He sounds very immature, but then, that is because, well, he is!

I have no issues with age differences, but it appears that you do?

As to your OP, he was wrong, needed to be told, err no thanks im not into that, if that isn't accepted, bye!

LEMmingaround · 02/10/2014 12:57

fudgeface - i quite like it, it feels quite intense and done properly it doesn't hurt, but its a lot of faff, so we don't bother :)

KateeGee · 02/10/2014 13:00

pompodd I don't think it's an age thing necessarily. I've had a sexual partner aged 22 who tried this, and a partner aged 50, and a couple of partners at ages in between who tried similar stunts (I am 30). So I think it's not so much an age/maturity thing as whether or not the man is an idiot.

Fudgeface123 · 02/10/2014 13:02

Whenever a P has tried it with a digit, it felt like I was going to poo myself...TMI I know. That's why I have no desire to try it 'properly' Grin

TheHoneyBadger · 02/10/2014 13:04

if anal sex was wonderful enjoyable thing straight men would begging us to stick dildos up their arse. its nothing to do with the recipients pleasure.

i also can't buy the 'slip' thing - you'd have to slip with a hell of a lot of force to do more than bump into the anus - if you are ramming from outside with such force that you can slip into someone's anal passage then you are doing something majorly wrong anyway - i wouldn't want to be rammed from a position of non contact into my vagina let alone my arsehole.

TheHoneyBadger · 02/10/2014 13:05

'quite like it' and if done properly 'doesn't hurt'???? that's your idea of sexual pleasure?

TheHoneyBadger · 02/10/2014 13:06

and a lot of faff - i mean? that doesn't sound like sex, it sounds like a medical procedure.

Lweji · 02/10/2014 13:06

Do you truly never had any other concerns?

Why was he even pushing for sex if you weren't that into it? It doesn't sound particularly good that you were "letting" him have sex than you engaging with it.

Original poster
pushtheskyaway · 02/10/2014 13:14

Honestly no concerns up until then Lweji.

Without wanting to be too graphic; we do have a lot of sex, and I am usually well up for it. Unfortunately I think this has somehow led to a situation where he thinks he is entitled to sex just because I am in the same room as his erection.

I was sort of into it until I got that nasty shock! I may never be into it again though (not with him anyway) It's killed my libido stone dead, and that is normally a pretty tough thing to do!

OP posts: