Sex act without permission...not sure how to feel?

[pushtheskyaway]

This happened a few weeks ago now, and I really don't know if I am over-reacting or not?

I have a sexual partner (not officially a couple due to age difference; I am 34 and he is 20) who I have been sleeping with since the spring. We were lazing around in bed hungover, and I was frankly that tired I was half awake at best. I was lying on my front, and he started touching me; which then progressed to sex. I was kind of into it, but not feeling it 100% as I was so exhausted. My partner then suddenly pulled out, and attempted to penetrate me anally!

We have never done anal, nor even talked about the possibility of doing it before. There was no discussion, he didn't ask for my consent...just tried to stick it in! I went ballistic with him, and he apologised but couldn't really explain why he had done it.

I know he is young, has doubtless seen it in porn and whatnot, but I can't help but feel a bit violated. He had a few sexual issues when we first got together; which I have helped him to over come. Now I feel my reward is to have him try and painfully ram himself up my back passage. I would appreciate others viewpoints as I really don't know if I should give him the benefit of the doubt or not? It is not the act itself that I am against; more so the way he went about it...

It's not hard to understand that you don't just shove something into someone's body without at least some indication that they want that to happen. And you saying that it is hard just shows that you are either a rapist yourself lurker or have (sadly) been raped and don't recognise it as such.

Lurker i think you know perfectly well what empire means. In a relationship people rarely go "would you like some sex now?".
People kiss, they snuggle, things heat up and you pull back and go "not tonight dear i have a headache / to get up early / my period/ whatever", OR you respond with enthusiasm and things continue, with either partner able to stop and say "thats enough" or "not that tonight". Its less assumed consent, and more non-verbal consent. Its consent with enthusiasm .

If your partner isnt responding enthusiastically to kissing, caressing etc, but doesnt say no, go ahead and assume no consent anyway. They obviously arent into the idea. Dont just crack on. Or ask them "are you ok? Do you want me to stop?". Its hardly rocket science.

Therefore, actually no, it shouldnt be too late, because if your partner isnt responding enthusoastically you wont have started performing sex acts / penetrating them.

lurker has made me feel quite queasy. some seriously rapey comments there.

LEMming - thanks for clearly that up gotta say you weren't selling it to me!

i'd still rather have sex than a cup of tea but that's probably because i get so little bloody opportunity!

But that's the problem isn't it, we watch and listen to our partners responses or signals and make assumptions about what is acceptable and what isn't, occasionally people are going to get it wrong. That doesn't necessarily make them an insensitive pig or mean they learned their behaviour by watching porn, they simply read the signals wrongly and make a mistake.

I don't know if the man in question made an honest mistake or not, I think the OP has already made her mind up about him, I think it might be a deal breaker for her but im guessing really. Seems a bit harsh to me but at the same time perfectly understandable, that's my opinion. My opinion might differ from others but that doesn't make it any less valid, nor does it make me a dangerous person!

what is signal you think he could have confused? is there a 'stick your cock up my arse without lube let alone discussion' signal a woman can give without realising it? if so, please tell so i can be sure never to give it.

there's no signal. you're hijacking a thread about a specific situation to promote your non specific rapey sentiments.

Myempireofdirt, I find your comments seriously offensive, I have consistently said it was wrong to assume consent, in any circumstances. It seems to me your deliberately mis-interpreting what I said.

"Because you claim to be totally unable to distinguish between situations where consent can be assumed, and those where it can't"

That comment is an outright lie and you know it is, please provide a quote to show this 'claim' I made. You can't because I said no such thing.

go on and explain to us then what signal he might have misunderstood when he chose to stick his cock up the OPs arse? please enlighten us. is it laying on one's front that does it? should we never turn our back in case we give the wrong signal?

look at what you've written - lots of people have agreed your attitude is really dodgy.

lurker - I really don't understand how it's possible to make an "honest mistake" about whether a woman has consented to anal sex or not. Can you explain that bit? How could a man genuinely make an honest mistake about that?

On the other hand (which I suspect might be what happened here) I can see that the man might "try it on" and hope he gets consent. But let's not pretend that that's anything other than pretty seriously abnormal and rapey behaviour.

Thehoneybadger, if you had actually read my post you would have seen I didn't at any time say he 'misread a signal' of any kind.

I'm not hijacking a post, you are being deliberately argumentative, your argument serves no purpose and contains outright lies and insults.

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lurker - to put it into context: I've been married to my DW for just over 10 years and we've been a couple for getting on 15 years. I genuinely can't imagine a situation in which I could make an honest mistake about whether she was consenting or had consented to a sexual act that we hadn't done together before.

Surely the answer is that we would talk about it before - which might amount to nothing more than one of us suggesting it to the other in foreplay and seeing the response the other got.

That's a million miles away from one partner being tired/falling asleep and the other trying to penetrate her in a way that they had never done before together without suggesting it to her first - you know, asking her consent. Surely you can see that?

Exactly pompodd. My guy might not have thought he had consent, but he didn't think he didn't have it either (if that makes sense) Therefore he thought he would just go ahead anyway and see what happened.

In what way am I being harsh in my judgement lurker? Do you not think that having someone attempt a surprise, painful sexual act on you might just possibly put you off them a little bit?

In all fairness you may not have said my partner misread a signal. You did however say that I should not be too surprised my partner attempted anal; given that I had not expressly discussed with him before hand that it was not something I was interested in. As I read it, you are pretty much saying any attempted sexual act is fine if the other partner hasn't vetoed it beforehand?

If I am wrong then please tell me. I am not here to get into arguments, and I am genuinely interested in peoples differing points of view.

Oh yes, apologies HoneyBadger. I can see now that lurker DID mention signals.

My only 'signal' in this instance lurker is that I was on my front, and my bottom was exposed. Now if I had been shouting "put it in my bum hole now big boy" then I might see your point.

pomp odd, i don't know how I can make it any clearer. It is a mistake to assume consent.

You have a couple engaged in sexual activity, the male partner is assuming consent, he assumes forplay is ok, he assumes vaginal sex is ok, he attempts anal sex, his partner tells him to stop.

At each point he makes an assumption, a guess at what his partner finds acceptable, his guesses are right until he attempts anal. Why is it ok to just guess at consent until it comes to anal sex?

Did he make an honest mistake in assuming his partner would consent to anal sex? I don't know I can't read his mind, I wasn't there.

If the OP didn't want to have anal sex she should have said so, he shouldn't have assumed consent for anything, how can I make it clearer than that?

Pompodd, you and your partner have been together 15 years of course your partner wouldn't attempt such a thing but we are talking about a 20 year old who the OP see's once or twice a month. They obviously won't have the understanding you and your partner have.

Do you recite a list of all the sex acts you aren't interested in every time you have sex lurker, or do you assume your partner won't attempt something entirely new with no warning?

Pushthesky, yes I did say you should have discussed these things beforehand, however I did not say you shouldn't be surprised he attempted to have anal sex with you because of that. Please try to stick to the facts and refrain from making things up.

Not every time, but then neither of us are twenty years old and I've been with my partner 12 years.

fucking hell, lurker.

You said this: "If the OP didn't want to have anal sex she should have said so, he shouldn't have assumed consent for anything".

Those two statements are contradictory and lead to a practical problem. Following your logic, if the OP didn't say in advance that she didn't want anal sex (and you say he shouldn't assume consent for anything) then the logical conclusion is that he shouldn't do anything at all, right? Because he shouldn't assume her consent has been given.

But he did do something here. And you seem to say that because she didn't say in advance that she didn't want anal sex, he was entitled to try it out on her.

That logic is fucked up, I'm afraid.

Lurker, you really sound as if you're saying that my partner attempting anal sex is my fault? Because I didn't expressly state beforehand that I didn't want him to try it? Therefore it is totally fine for him to assume it is a possibility; without verbally checking with me first?

The fact remains that anal sex is NOT within the "usual" list of sexual activities. It is not something that can be attempted un-warned, with no lubrication, without there being a risk of pain or damage to the partner. Do I think my guy is a rapist monster? No I don't. I do feel that he chose to put his own sexual gratification over my own comfort however, and that is not a nice feeling to have. This is somebody who is supposed to be my friend, and who claims to really care about me. Of course I am going to be upset.

You will also find that I most emphatically said I didn't want to have anal sex. It is just very unfortunate I had to say it after fending off someone attempting to put their penis up my un-lubricated bottom!

It does sound like the guy tried his luck (for want of a better phrase), extreme stupidity if he didn't understand what a big step and different act anal sex was. Just shoving it in with no "warm up" is risking damage IMO.

It is possible to slip in accidentally, but this doesn't sound like it was the case.

As to discussing things, my current girlfriend and I have discussed what we both like and dislike. She was quite clear that she has never tried anal and doesn't want to, I've only done it when the lady wanted to and was never keen, so we won't be doing it then. As to being the recipient, no bloody way, the finger for prostate exam was bad enough.

Nobody is suggesting that people assume consent or make a guess at consent. People are saying that consent can be non-verbal, especially when the couple have had sex multiple times before, and that its usually pretty obvious when someone is responding to your advances. Now, even if you WANT to try to guage your partners interest in anal sex, and somehow cant bring yourself to say "how do you feel about anal?" surely you go about it more subtly than trying to wedge your cock in an unlubed hole ffs. Even if you are a fucking bum-chancer, do you not go for the bum grope, getting a bit closer to the goal, and hope you dont get a sudden buttock clench and a sharp "what the fuck are you doing?"? But really, most sensible, reasonable, non-rapey people realise that anal is one of those things you have to ask about. Like you would ask about bondage, or watersports. You wouldnt just go from foreplay to pissing on someone. Why the fuck can you go from vaginal sex to anal without even thinking "i should probably ask her if this is ok"? You cant. Its rapey.

As for OP should have said she didnt want anal..... when? First date? Stop foreplay the first time they had sex to say "heres a list of stuff i wont do, ive put an astrix next to the ones that i am willing to discuss tryibg"?