Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex act without permission...not sure how to feel?

341 replies

pushtheskyaway · 02/10/2014 01:49

This happened a few weeks ago now, and I really don't know if I am over-reacting or not?

I have a sexual partner (not officially a couple due to age difference; I am 34 and he is 20) who I have been sleeping with since the spring. We were lazing around in bed hungover, and I was frankly that tired I was half awake at best. I was lying on my front, and he started touching me; which then progressed to sex. I was kind of into it, but not feeling it 100% as I was so exhausted. My partner then suddenly pulled out, and attempted to penetrate me anally!

We have never done anal, nor even talked about the possibility of doing it before. There was no discussion, he didn't ask for my consent...just tried to stick it in! I went ballistic with him, and he apologised but couldn't really explain why he had done it.

I know he is young, has doubtless seen it in porn and whatnot, but I can't help but feel a bit violated. He had a few sexual issues when we first got together; which I have helped him to over come. Now I feel my reward is to have him try and painfully ram himself up my back passage. I would appreciate others viewpoints as I really don't know if I should give him the benefit of the doubt or not? It is not the act itself that I am against; more so the way he went about it...

OP posts:
MyEmpireOfDirt · 02/10/2014 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
pushtheskyaway · 02/10/2014 13:16

Same here MyEmpire. When my ex slipped up he was in nearly as much pain as I was. It was not fun for either of us!

OP posts:
MyEmpireOfDirt · 02/10/2014 13:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pompodd · 02/10/2014 13:19

pushtheskyaway - but if he's just a fuckbuddy, you only see each other every once in a while (for sex) then you can hardly complain that he sees you as a sex object, can you?

His behaviour on this issue is horrible and he should be thoroughly ashamed of himself. But I don't think you can criticise him for seeing you and thinking of sex - isn't that exactly what you've encouraged him to do?

Original poster
pushtheskyaway · 02/10/2014 13:22

It is a problem isn't it? Lately I've felt as if he almost can't gather his brain enough to even have a conversation with me until he has gotten laid.

Perhaps it is a youth thing? It's all fresh and exciting, so he wants to do it as much as possible. Which might have been flattering for the first 5 minutes, but it has paled pretty quickly in light of the way things have gone.

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 02/10/2014 13:25

Anal sex is great if done right but this was not that. It irritates me when women who have no interest in it make statements about how it's not pleasurable for the recipient and its all about man pleasing because that's simply wrong.
Op what your man did was assault. I wouldn't be surprised if you never fancied him again.

pompodd · 02/10/2014 13:26

It's only a problem if him just wanting and getting sex from you is not what you want. You describe him in your OP as a "sexual partner" and not a "couple" - sounds like you've got exactly that.

Now you say he can't be bothered to have a conversation with you...he's 20, you're in a fuckbuddy relationship, what did you expect!?

Original poster
pushtheskyaway · 02/10/2014 13:26

Pompdd. Yes and no really. Yes we are sleeping together, but we have also been friends for quite a while before that. He is someone I count as a real friend, and consider (considered?) myself to be really close to. The sex was almost secondary to that iyswim?

I am not criticising him at all for seeing me and thinking of sex. I just feel hurt that his hormones have managed to cancel out all regard for me on any level other than a sexual object! Perhaps I have been naive, but I can't help feeling upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
pushtheskyaway · 02/10/2014 13:30

So Pompdd, are you saying that if a women enters into none exclusive sexual relationships with a guy; then she also forfeits her right to expect basic common manners and decency from that person?

OP posts:
TheHoneyBadger · 02/10/2014 13:34

yes - and having sex renders you an object apparently Confused i remain aware that someone i've had sex with is a full human being not just a cock on legs. i dare say men are capable of the same.

pompodd · 02/10/2014 13:37

Hi - just see that you say you were friends before which does make a difference. Putting the anal sex attempt to one side (clearly unacceptable and wouldn't be surprised if you don't want to go near him again), given his age I can see that he might not have been able to deal very well with your relationship moving to a sexual level away from just a friendship.

Of course I'm not saying that you aren't entitled to common manners and decency. The way you described it, though, it sounded like you wanted a conversationalist as well as a fuckbuddy. Unlikely to be lucky enough to get both, Id' have thought.

It's a horrible thing, and I am in no way at all saying you are at fault at all because you aren't, but if you offer yourself up as a sex object to a very young man, don't be surprised if that's how he starts to (exclusively) see you.

Original poster
pushtheskyaway · 02/10/2014 13:42

Unlikely to be lucky enough to get both at an age pompodd Wink

Thank you for clarifying, and I do agree that the situation was one that had a likelihood of ending up this way.

I don't feel I "offered myself up" though. I actually think that way of looking at the male/female dynamic is quite damaging. I had mutually consensual sex with somebody I found attractive. It was great fun until this incident, and I'm sure we would still be going at it like the clappers had this not occurred.

Part of me wishes I could just put it down to inexperience, and youth & over look it. I worry I am perhaps being too harsh on him, but I can't help how I feel...

OP posts:
TheHoneyBadger · 02/10/2014 13:44

listen to yourself! "but if you offer yourself up as a sex object" - having sex with someone isn't offering yourself up as a sex object! blimey. how offensive.

TheHoneyBadger · 02/10/2014 13:45

go with your gut OP. and he's 20, not a child.

LoisPuddingLane · 02/10/2014 13:46

Fuckbuddies deserve respect, just as much as anyone else.

pompodd · 02/10/2014 13:47

Going at it like the clappers Smile. Hadn't heard that phrase for ages.

Fair enough about the "offering up" point. I sort of agree with you. Out of interest (because it caught my eye in your first post) why do you say you aren't officially a couple because of the age difference?

I genuinely don't think you are being too harsh on him from what you've described.

loloftherings · 02/10/2014 13:49

"they perceive it as something that needs to be ticked off a list of activities perhaps?"

True, and a bit of an immaturity thing. When at uni, a friend and her boyfriend had sex in every room of the house, including everyone's bedroom, kitchen, etc. This guy is at that immature, experimental age.

"if anal sex was wonderful enjoyable thing straight men would begging us to stick dildos up their arse. its nothing to do with the recipients pleasure."

It can be. There are gay men, "bottoms" who are only the recipient, and they do it for the pleasure.

There seems to be a lot of "I don't like it so nobody else can possibly" in this thread.

UpduffedFatty · 02/10/2014 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
pushtheskyaway · 02/10/2014 13:52

I am trying to revive it as a saying. Grin

We both agree that an official relationship is not on the cards. He has a whole host of living to do before he should even be thinking of settling down. It is a bit of a complicated situation perhaps. I think this is a sign that it is time to get out of it to be honest. I never thought it would last, but I can't say I'm not hurt at the turn events have taken.

OP posts:
pompodd · 02/10/2014 13:53

honeybadger - no offence was intended (and I hope none taken by the OP). But aren't they both offering up sex (and only sex) to each other? It doesn't mean that either of them have forfeited a right to be treated by the other with respect and decency and all the rest of it, of course. But they have set their relationship on a purely physical and sexual level so can hardly be surprised if the other partner sees them that way. Didn't mean it to come across as a male/female dynamic comment - works both ways as far as I can see.

LadySusanVernon · 02/10/2014 13:54

Someone mentioned that anal is now seen as 'normal' just like oral sex. But surely you'd be just as pissed off if a bloke tried to shove it in your mouth unexpectedly when you were feeling knackered? It's not really about the act, it's how he went about it. He's a git who doesn't really care how you feel. Sorry OP you must be so gutted.

Original poster
pushtheskyaway · 02/10/2014 14:10

I am not offended pompodd. In my case however I did not feel any shift in my regard for this guy as a friend after we started sleeping with each other. I really thought he was on the same page as me until this incident.

LadySusan, I am gutted; although I do deep down still think he cares how I feel in general. I just feel that he massively misjudged the situation. Unfortunately for me I don't think there is any going back from that misjudgement, and I can't see myself ever letting him into my bed again.

OP posts:
TheHoneyBadger · 02/10/2014 14:11

yes some women enjoy anal penetration, yes some gay men enjoy it whilst some don't and for some gay couples there sex life never involves penetration either way. if however it was so widely enjoyable and pleasurable, and these straight men trying to coerce women who don't want it into believed it was so pleasurable to the recipient then they'd be asking for it to be done to them.

i wasn't saying no one enjoys it but that for the vast majority of straight men wanting to do it to women it is not the recipients pleasure they are thinking of - hence not fancying it being done to them.

LoisPuddingLane · 02/10/2014 14:17

Thing is, I've never looked at a guy and felt longing in my bumhole.

TheHoneyBadger · 02/10/2014 14:20

no, nor have i ever had an overwhelming urge to shove something up a guy's arsehole.

Swipe left for the next trending thread