Admitted to DP I am 30k in debt.....feeling desperate.

[Theboulderhascaughtupwithme]

So, for the last 9 years, my outgoings have exceeded my Incomings.

I am not good with figures/numbers either and despite trying to budget, do spreadsheets etc I have gotten deeper and deeper in debt.

Until two months ago believe it or not I had a gold plated credit rating, never missed payments etc, but now things are starting to bounce and default and I man so very scared.

I am Ina. Professional job, work part time and earn about 20k a year. DP is a company director and last year earnt over 150k, although most of the 100k was a dividend so heavily taxed and he put it all toward buying our house so it's not as if he has absolutely loads in his account.

I have been sobbing my heart out today as for the first time I cannot see a way out. I sent DP an email asking for help ( not necessarily financial, but help maybe re-financing in away I could manage or even just going through the figures, a hand to hold. I knew he would be angry but he has gone ballistic and has text my mum fgs to shame me I know.

The thing is, I have tried to go back to work full time but due to DP letting an incident happen with the DC I now feel unable to leave them ( I got a lucrative out of hours contract which would have averted all this).

I have tried at various points to ask for help but he has determinedly stuck his head in the sand.

Not looking for people to express their disgust with me, all the debt has been on basic living expenses, food, petrol, childcare, the usual.

b am not looking for absolution but could really do with some virtual handholding as I feel like I may be having a breakdown.

Could write more but cannot get me words out at the moment.

Very, very well done for taking the first step.

The amazing women of the debt thread will have loads of good advice, so I'll stick with the hand-holding and making you a good strong cup of .

poor you.

are the DC his? if so he really should be able to do his share looking after them?

Do you have a joint account? Are you the one who buys all the groceries, and if so does it come out of your own money or your shared money?

What si your financial set up?

Why are the pair of you not paying for full time childcare then so you can work full time?

Do you live together?

Why is your dp not sharing more of the household expenses with you? It seems incredible that he is earning so much and he is not contributing his fair share. Why are you so much in debt buying normal household things (as that is what you say it is) and he hasn't been contributing more?

Do you not give a percentage of your money for the bills? I don't understand why you but mostly your dp has allowed you to get into debt when he earns the lions share of the money coming into the household?

I don't think you are to blame here. And he should not be punishing you. He should have been paying those expenses!

Thank you for the replies, I am crying again now!!

Will try to answer the q's.

He never wanted me to go back full time, as he works very long hours, 50 to 60 per week. Very difficult to for him to hake time off for anything unexpected eg kids being sick ( another reason why key earnings have stalled as have not felt in to position to peruse a promotion).

Our finances apart from the mortgage are completely separate. He minimises his screen if he is internet banking and I walk in!!

He does pay half the childcare and to be fair pays the mortgage and electric bill. The ' other stuff' eg food ( was six hundred a month as he refuses to eat for example Aldi stuff although I have now taken a stand on this).

My fuel expense for work is £250 a month, plus I also pay solely the bill for DS to attend the local preschool which I wanted him to have the opportunity to do as my eldest loved it and also DS has some extra needs which do not get met at his nursery but do at preschool.

I pay all of the kids stuff, this month so far I have spent £470 on clothes and bday parties etc.

Looking at it I know it's crazy and I should have made a big stand ages ago but the relationship is crap anyway and I have avoided doing so for fear of setting off DP's bipolar!

I don't get this at all. As I understand the debt is from day to day expenses. Are the children his? Why is he not paying childcare? Who's paying the household bills? How is the contribution split? My gut feeling is there is something wrong.

OP pop over to the Debt Thread on Money Matter (thread 4 is most current)...there are a few of us in exactly the same boat. We can support you with the financial stuff, stick here to for the relationship support you need - big hugs xx

Also just to say I don't smoke! hardly drink and don't have any expensive type of drug or gambling habit. This is just day to day stuff.

The worst part is over...admitting and confronting the debt. Now you have to work together to get the debt paid off.

You'll have to understand how you came to get into so much debt. If it wasn't for frivolous purchases then the key to staying out of debt is to see what you are actually spending the money on and redistribute your finances so you have enough money to cover the purchases for essentials

WTF? Your 'D'P is at best a git, at worst financially abusive. You want DS to go to the preschool and you pay. He wants to eat lark's tongues and caviar, you still pay.

Yes the kids are his!! Been together 9 years.

There is a lot that isn't right, not just this. We don't operate as a'couple' ( to my great sadness, but I have stopped trying now).

I am not trying to 'blame' him for the fact I am in this mess, I have probably taken what felt like the least hard option over a number of years. But I so want his help now to tackle this. He is so good with money ( which makes me more ashamed). He has never been in debt at all except the mortgage and when he took over his business. Not one penny overdrawn, no cards etc.

I don't think you are to blame here. And he should not be punishing you. He should have been paying those expenses!

Seriously ??

and he put it all toward buying our house

Need much more info here from the op.

Wow. And you are not married. Do you have legal protection in place in case of a split or he dies?

Is the house in both names?

Is the child his? How could be pay only half of childcare? How much he contributes to household expenses? How about the food bill? Of course he shouldn't be eating aldi if he doesn't like. He's earning £150k a year ffs.

Unless there is more to this. I see a very unfair arrangement in your relationship. If you want a even split and share then he should be paying just over 7 times contribution to the any joint expenditure. But having children together means you are a team. You enable him to work his long hours and enjoy the benefits of having children. DH and I pooled all income together and then split what's left over in half for spending. What it means in your case is that you have a joint income of 170k. You two budget necessary household expenditure, savings, retirement panning and what not, then the left over is split 50/50 so both of you have equal spending money on things you like to spend on. That is the only fair way I can see for a couple with children. Like you say, someone has to sacrifice the time for them.

Arthur as I said I'm not blaming him. There are problems in our relationship, for example when I got an extra job which would have involve me working out of hours ( well paid, could have used the extra income to live on and also start to reduce debt) he had an 'episode with his bipolar which got as involved. Worst time in my life. Knew that I could not peruse this as an option at all til kids much much older.

Equally I have been offered a well paid job working from home, but need to attend two weeks training in to city along way awAy, can't leave kids with DP for that long so again a non at
Non starter.

Feel trapped by debt and circumstance too!!

DP puts more in his pension each month than I take home!!!

It seems to go...

His needs
Children's needs

Your needs

I recommend you seek free advice from CAB, national debt line or Stepchange.

Any of these will be able to help you manage your debt in a non judgemental way.

I work for a service which helps people deal with debts ( although I'm not a practitioner) and I have recently got myself in a bit of a financial mess due to mental health issues. It can happen to anyone.

Good luck, OP

He isn't your partner. A partner doesn't secure his retirement while you live in debt. Debt you could deal with if you weren't looking after his children and meeting his MH needs.

Is the house in both your names?

OK, hold it right there.

Have I got this right? You have dc together. You live together and have a joint mortgage. He pays half the mortgage and half the childcare. He pays the electricity.

So that must mean you buy all the food and household stuff, pay car expenses, council tax, gas, water, clothes and stuff for the dc, sky TV if you have it, phone/broadband. All on a part time wage.

No wonder you have been not living within your means. I bet you no longer get child benefit because of his earnings.

You are in debt as you live beyond your means because you have a financial inequality in your relationship.

I would be very concerned about the financial secrecy, especially as you are not married. Very concerned indeed.

Oh gosh so the child is his and you have been together for 9 years.

There is nothing you have done wrong. You can't budget on a 20k income and pay £600 on food. You have a child in preschool and they are expensive. This is financial abuse and he's making you feel like you are the one to blame for all the failure.

Yes Mrs terry, thank god! that was one thing I insisted on. Even that I feel guilty about as he put a large amount of money to it upfront without which we could not live here.

I have considered moving out, putting house in his nMe and going into an IvA but I cannot leave the kids her with him so that is a non starter.

We have two kids, ages 3 and 8.