Admitted to DP I am 30k in debt.....feeling desperate.

[Theboulderhascaughtupwithme]

So, for the last 9 years, my outgoings have exceeded my Incomings.

I am not good with figures/numbers either and despite trying to budget, do spreadsheets etc I have gotten deeper and deeper in debt.

Until two months ago believe it or not I had a gold plated credit rating, never missed payments etc, but now things are starting to bounce and default and I man so very scared.

I am Ina. Professional job, work part time and earn about 20k a year. DP is a company director and last year earnt over 150k, although most of the 100k was a dividend so heavily taxed and he put it all toward buying our house so it's not as if he has absolutely loads in his account.

I have been sobbing my heart out today as for the first time I cannot see a way out. I sent DP an email asking for help ( not necessarily financial, but help maybe re-financing in away I could manage or even just going through the figures, a hand to hold. I knew he would be angry but he has gone ballistic and has text my mum fgs to shame me I know.

The thing is, I have tried to go back to work full time but due to DP letting an incident happen with the DC I now feel unable to leave them ( I got a lucrative out of hours contract which would have averted all this).

I have tried at various points to ask for help but he has determinedly stuck his head in the sand.

Not looking for people to express their disgust with me, all the debt has been on basic living expenses, food, petrol, childcare, the usual.

b am not looking for absolution but could really do with some virtual handholding as I feel like I may be having a breakdown.

Could write more but cannot get me words out at the moment.

Go and see a lawyer. Today.

Also been looking into getting an Iva but they are hardly any better than bankruptcy. Am going onto the debt support thread as well as this one.

Not sure how I am going to get through today, DC's have their after school stuff and I do voluntary work on a Monday night, and I just can't stop crying.

Anyfucker I have made an appt to see someone on Thursday. That was the earliest ink could do.

Then calm down and hang fire until then.

Ring the car insurance people and explain. Lovey, what would you think of a different man that appeared unconcerned that their partner was driving an uninsured car, with his kids in it ?

That's him, that is.

See that lawyer and use their time to figure out how to leave this man with the minimum financial fall out for you

Has this man you are with got ANY feelings for you at all?

It is just beyond words that you are sitting there in tears to pay off a small sum ( to him) while he behaves in this manner.

If you are taking the DCs to school, need petrol, need food then HE WILL HAVE TO PAY. You have to ask and insist he does.

And before he comes home from work, will you please phone women's aid and get some real life input and support????? Like now...?

Thank you any ducker . .

He will give me money to buy food for the kids he is not that far gone, but that's as far as it will go.

I second calling Women's Aid in the meantime. You need some professional support. "Dark thoughts" are a worry. This cannot continue.

Any tucker I won't do anything stupid as I would not leave the kids with him!!!!! It's just that's where my thoughts r going at the moment, as things seem insurmountable and I feel trapped.

Oh for fucks sake why is it that every time I type any fucker my fucking autocorrect changes it to random shit!!!!!!!

This may have all been said upthread. But what is stopping you simply leaving with the kids and going to your family ? Nothing could be worse than this, surely ?

Auto correct isn't keen on fuck.

Boulder, please don't try to sort this out yourself with more loans or an IVA or a bankruptcy process.

The root problem here is that you are in an abusive relationship. If you try to sort this out by yourself without specialist help you will only dig yourself further in.

This is what the Women's Aid website says about financial abuse: "an abuser might do one or more of the following: [...] Refuse to contribute to shared household expenses, including failing to pay regular bills despite agreeing to take responsibility for them; or building up debts in her name [...] Insist she take out loans and credit in her own name, or force her to take on sole or joint responsibility for credit or loans beyond what she considers to be manageable."

You need to talk to people who are specialists in financial abuse. Please call Women's Aid today.

Pink we are jojnt Tennants and he didn't ring fence his money when we bought this house. He knew I wouldn't have moved if he had suggested that and in some way shape of form he does seem to want me here.

My only real family is my mum who lives at the other end of the country and has her own issues unfortunately.

Why not come back to us all in 30 mins after you have phoned Women's Aid. Please do this.

OP, you say you feel trapped. You will remain trapped, and in fact enmesh yourself even further, if you do not get some professional advice and support.

Womens Aid 0808 2000 247

Hi all I have to go out and collect my youngest now but will update later x

To echo what others have said...your problem is not the debt, but the abusive relationship which has led to this debt.
Professional support will help you see the objectively, and identify some solutions - both immediate and more long-term. It's going to be almost impossible to resolve the situation without it. WA will support you, and help you find a way forward.
Do make the call.

What does he say when you ask him why he isn't supporting the children and his family, ie you and them. Why doesn't he feel he has to? Is he logical about it (in his own twisted mind, not that he is right, of course) or completely blanking you?

OP, as many others have said, you need to find a solicitor and you need an escape route.

Your partner is a financially abusive arse.

As for the bollocks greengrow spouts- I'm pretty sure all the 'we did this' and 'we did that' is shite as she's divorced now.

I think it's perfectly possible to have a fair and equitable financial arrangement within a relationship and yet it still breaks down.

Eh?

But it's more possible that an unequal and financially abusive relationship will break down.