Admitted to DP I am 30k in debt.....feeling desperate.

[Theboulderhascaughtupwithme]

So, for the last 9 years, my outgoings have exceeded my Incomings.

I am not good with figures/numbers either and despite trying to budget, do spreadsheets etc I have gotten deeper and deeper in debt.

Until two months ago believe it or not I had a gold plated credit rating, never missed payments etc, but now things are starting to bounce and default and I man so very scared.

I am Ina. Professional job, work part time and earn about 20k a year. DP is a company director and last year earnt over 150k, although most of the 100k was a dividend so heavily taxed and he put it all toward buying our house so it's not as if he has absolutely loads in his account.

I have been sobbing my heart out today as for the first time I cannot see a way out. I sent DP an email asking for help ( not necessarily financial, but help maybe re-financing in away I could manage or even just going through the figures, a hand to hold. I knew he would be angry but he has gone ballistic and has text my mum fgs to shame me I know.

The thing is, I have tried to go back to work full time but due to DP letting an incident happen with the DC I now feel unable to leave them ( I got a lucrative out of hours contract which would have averted all this).

I have tried at various points to ask for help but he has determinedly stuck his head in the sand.

Not looking for people to express their disgust with me, all the debt has been on basic living expenses, food, petrol, childcare, the usual.

b am not looking for absolution but could really do with some virtual handholding as I feel like I may be having a breakdown.

Could write more but cannot get me words out at the moment.

He earns 7 times what you do and you had to go into debt to buy food and pay childcare?

He shouldnt be angry, he should be fucking ashamed.

YOU are the one who should be angry that he has expected you to live beyond your means with no support from him.

Just as an aside, this stuff boils my piss. Women on average earn less than men for the same work. And, tend to be in lower paid, part-time work as well. There also seems to be an expectation that they meet more of their children's expenses, whether because of absent fathers or just because children appear to be solely our concern. We are expected to understand and deal with this.

We shouldn't want the partial protection of marriage and should settle for being poor in our old age, when those men who had their children raised for them, whilst doing no housework because they 'work hard' have pensions and assets.

Men used to earn more because they were perceived to be supporting a family while women worked for pin money. Now, women meet vastly more of the expenses for children, also work, seem to do the bulk of housework and childcare and end up poor for their sins.

What the hell happened?

The problem is not really the debt is it!
150k, he is easily taking home 8-9k net a month, so you £250 shortfall is not really an issue is it, the issue is his willingness to fairly contribute to bringing up his children.
Personally I would go back to work, and get him to foot the childcare bill, oh and pay for someone to do the hoovering, he can afford it, cheeky !
As for telling your mum, what is he 5, tell him to grow up, start acting like you are a couple or he can start looking for someone else to bully.

He sounds awful OP!

Shit. I agree with others - you should ring Women's Aid and get some advice. It's certainly starting to sound like financial abuse. Research this, get your facts and put your mum straight.

What is he spending his money on??????

I don't agree £470 for parties and clothes are a lot for a couple with a joint income of £150k. The problem is if you move in the kind of circle the man does in this relationship, I suspect there are expectations of the standard of dress and also the type of parties held and the presents. I don't think my £5 gift from a supermarket would work attending a party filled with bankers for example. Like others said the man here can easily afford another £250 a month.

And he's being abusive with the hoovering comment. He can afford a cleaner if he wish. We do and we don't earn anywhere near him combined.

He is financially abusing you.

I don't think this is your fault. The fault lies with the financial set-up of your household. Why was he not sharing a greater burden of the expenses. You might be better off calling it a day and going it alone. If it was me I'd start with the CAB as I think they can help set up a repayment of debts plan. Hope you can sort things out.

£470 this month on clothes etc does sound vv expensive. But not if you add in school uniforms as well. Both my ds and dd had big growth spurts over the summer and I've had to buy quite a few bits as well as school uniform. Not £470 worth but definitely much more than I would usually spend.

I'd be reminding how much the CSa would insist he pays towards his kids.

What was the incident that led to you deciding the kids were not safe in the care of their own father ?

I spent £350 on mandatory school uniform before getting the basics last month.

Throw in shoes a £40 a pair, 2 school trainers, football boots. Plus home footware as 13 year old growing like a weed £470 isn't a surprise.

Dragging in your mother, snarky comments about hoovering and unsafe to leave alone with the kids add up to a unpleasant picture of a man.

If your mother comments tell her yes it is hard when he saves all his money and you have to fork out for it all.

Do you gain anything from this relationship?

Basically the £30k you have paid to feed, warm etc him and towards his DC too is £30k you have put in to his pension pot that you have no rights to as a do.

Hi all

Am crying again. Just can't stop.

We went on holiday inSigust and when I checked my eldest only had two pairs of trousers that fit! similar for the youngest ( he had moras not in school uniform), went to Sainsburys and got all their winter clothes, plus school shoes, daps, pe kit, etc etc hence spent 270 quid. A few bits for me int ere probs 20 quid. I was panicking when we got to the checkout but honestly at £10 per pair of bottoms it soon added up.

Just had awful, row with DP.

The incident re not being able to leave kids with him, was, I went out for my induction at we evening job, out for 4 hours, when I got back, couldn't find him anywhere, eventually found him unconscious in bath, he had pisseda nd shit himself. He had taken basically an overdose of both mine and his tablets whilst I was out plus alcohol. I told ambulance when they can and they put in a child protection referral ( rightly so).

No rights to as a dp. Got to love autocorrect

he incident re not being able to leave kids with him, was, I went out for my induction at we evening job, out for 4 hours, when I got back, couldn't find him anywhere, eventually found him unconscious in bath, he had pisseda nd shit himself. He had taken basically an overdose of both mine and his tablets whilst I was out plus alcohol. I told ambulance when they can and they put in a child protection referral ( rightly so)

And he has the FUCKING audacity to berate YOU??????

You've hinted a couple of times you wouldn't be comfortable leaving the kids with 'DP'. Are they at risk of harm?

Fuck

I am sat here mouth agape at the fuckwittery of your h .

Yes. Fuck indeed.

The feelings I had for 5 days waiting for Ss to come and do their assessment will never leave me. Had to persuade SS that I would safeguard the kids over and above all else, which I have. No question.

Sorry, missed a post whilst reading.

But as hopefully can be seen, I have therefore tried to avoid setting DP,off, in any way shape or form.

I wish I were a stronger person.

What a bastard!.

I'm on a credit crunch thread, one of our posters was in a similar situation to you and she was preparing to separate due to his controlling ways.

I hope his pension plan goes tits & he ends up with nothing (I've known two people where the fund was badly managed and failed).

How dare he berates you when he's such an unfit father. It's not just his overdose. How can a man earning so much left his children with no clothes to wear. This is just not right! I'm so angry for you.