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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Admitted to DP I am 30k in debt.....feeling desperate.

343 replies

Theboulderhascaughtupwithme · 12/09/2014 16:34

So, for the last 9 years, my outgoings have exceeded my Incomings.

I am not good with figures/numbers either and despite trying to budget, do spreadsheets etc I have gotten deeper and deeper in debt.

Until two months ago believe it or not I had a gold plated credit rating, never missed payments etc, but now things are starting to bounce and default and I man so very scared.

I am Ina. Professional job, work part time and earn about 20k a year. DP is a company director and last year earnt over 150k, although most of the 100k was a dividend so heavily taxed and he put it all toward buying our house so it's not as if he has absolutely loads in his account.

I have been sobbing my heart out today as for the first time I cannot see a way out. I sent DP an email asking for help ( not necessarily financial, but help maybe re-financing in away I could manage or even just going through the figures, a hand to hold. I knew he would be angry but he has gone ballistic and has text my mum fgs to shame me I know.

The thing is, I have tried to go back to work full time but due to DP letting an incident happen with the DC I now feel unable to leave them ( I got a lucrative out of hours contract which would have averted all this).

I have tried at various points to ask for help but he has determinedly stuck his head in the sand.

Not looking for people to express their disgust with me, all the debt has been on basic living expenses, food, petrol, childcare, the usual.

b am not looking for absolution but could really do with some virtual handholding as I feel like I may be having a breakdown.

Could write more but cannot get me words out at the moment.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/09/2014 17:01

Another one thinking that the way the family finances are set up doesn't sound right at all. Why all the secrecy? £30k is a huge amount. If it's gone on family expenses like food and birthday parties and if he's on six figures whether it's in dividends or not .. then surely the problem is that your joint income isn't adequately shared out? Who decided to buy a house rather than pay off the credit card bill?

rainbowinmyroom · 12/09/2014 17:01

I would find a way to get out of that debt, and the second I was, get a full-time job and leave his arse.

rainbowinmyroom · 12/09/2014 17:03

Why do the kids need left with him? He can pay towards a nanny, childminder and/or au pair.

OneLittleToddleTerror · 12/09/2014 17:04

I'm with fiona thinking you can manage your debt if you aren't with him anymore. You can't if you are in this relationship. He has expensive tastes far exceeding your income. You aren't entitled to benefits because of his income. No wonder you can't survive.

Finola1step · 12/09/2014 17:05

X post about the pension.

Great that he is planning financially for the retirement years. But this has been done at your expense. And I suspect he may see it as "his" retirement pot. For him to enjoy in later life. To meet his needs.

And as you are not married, I do hope he has nominated you as his beneficiary if anything was to happen to him before he retires.

I pay into the big pension, not dh. He has paid much, much more into the house than I. The house is ours equally just as the pension pot is for both of us despite it coming from just my salary.

Original poster
Theboulderhascaughtupwithme · 12/09/2014 17:06

Cogito thanks for replying ( and to everyone else).

The 30k has been accrued slowly over a 9 year period. So, about £250 per month which I suppose roughly equates to the deficit I have had either in childcare or petrol or whatever. Until recently although it is a large amount it felt manageable and my plan had always been to go back full time when my youngest started school ( next year). It's just that the cards have started falling too soon, and now I have no clue what to do. Sad

OP posts:
magoria · 12/09/2014 17:06

He us NOT good with money. He can only manage his money because you are getting into debt for day to day living expenses which he is part of.

You are on seriously shaky ground as you are not married.

Sit down work out all income and out goings. On an income of more than 6x your he should be contributing a much higher % than he is into the family pot.

If he doesn't then you either go back to work full time and he contributes more to childcare or you have to consider if you want to stay in a shitty situation.

OneLittleToddleTerror · 12/09/2014 17:07

And yes with a more equal relationship you would be able to pay for a nanny if you want to go to work full time or attend whatever training you want.

But the important first step for you is see if you can get help with debt with CAB. And also a way out of the relationship. Some posters will be more knowledgeable on how to proceed with this. He would have to pay for some child maintenance isn't it? And a place for then to live in?

Fairylea · 12/09/2014 17:08

No wonder you are in debt if he is earning 150k and only paying for the mortgage and electricity bill. What the actual fuck?!!!

You should both be putting all your income into a joint account. All bills come out. All savings etc and debts paid. Then whatever is left is split equally between you to spend - transferred to your own single accounts if you like. That is the only fair way of doing things when one of you earns so much and the other so little or is a stay at home parent.

He is financially abusive if he will not agree to this. All the secrecy is very worrying.

Yes your debt is bad but I'm certain you wouldn't have got into such a mess if he hadn't been so stingy with his money.

Fairylea · 12/09/2014 17:10

If he is prepared to work together with you to clear the debt I'm sure you can do it. Surely you can sacrifice some of your very good joint income to repay it. Could you remortgage? Move?

SilentBob · 12/09/2014 17:11

StepChange.org OP.

Others have said all I would with regards to your family set up and will have more advice than I ever could but if you want to get out of debt, speak to the above. Please. Then you can sleep at night.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 12/09/2014 17:12

A fair and equitable way of paying for all necessaries would have been to contribute a proportion of your incomes as a percentage according to who earns what.

He earns three-times what you do: he contributes three times what you do, so you each have the same amount of discretionary spends each month after some has been set aside in savings.

You are in hock because you have been exploited. That money being into his pension-fund should have been going into the household pot. Come retirement he could be sitting pretty while you have fuck-all.

He's got no right to be angry with you, it should be you who is justifiably angry with him! Get practising your script before he comes home and shouts at you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/09/2014 17:12

Tell him about the debt and get the money off him to pay it. You've spent it on the family and your only mistake was to keep quiet about it for so long. I think, rather than going to him grovelling in a spirit of mea culpa and self-reproach, you should face it out & also treat it as a catalyst for finally operating as a couple.

No more minimising his banking screen. You're either a family or you're not...

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/09/2014 17:14

Yes, OP, I agree with Cogito. You're acting all guilty and 'I did a bad thing'. If he's such a bloody financial whiz, surely he can add up and work out what expenses are going out of the house and how they are being met.

The only explanation I can come up with is that he likes you being poor while he's rich. He likes power.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/09/2014 17:17

I read your OP more carefully and noted that he had texted your mother for some reason. Does she know that you've been kept deliberately short of cash? Does she know that he hides his earnings from you?

Don't let him tell your story his way. Tell your own story and I think people will be rightly shocked.

Original poster
Theboulderhascaughtupwithme · 12/09/2014 17:20

He said earlier today that he could not help me with my budgeting as he was 'no good' with it. He has text my Mum And shamed me , saying she is good with money so she needs to help me.

He has come home now and has said he must now do all the hoovering as 'normal' people would do and because I am not normal he now has to do it.

Maybe I will take steps to leave.

OP posts:
Fairylea · 12/09/2014 17:22

He sounds incredibly abusive. Have you thought about ringing womens aid? They are very supportive over the phone and have good advice where there is financial and emotional bullying.

Ellisisland · 12/09/2014 17:24

OP he sounds awful. Your op and your responses are so sad please listen to the excellent advice on here and also I second the recommendation to call women's aid

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/09/2014 17:26

Stop thinking of it as him 'helping' you with budgeting. You need a joint, family budget that meets all the needs of everyone. Outgoings and incoming. All of them; his and yours and the children's. He doesn't want that because he wants to have the expenses be yours and the incoming money be his.

If he won't show you his banking, talk about finances, sit with you and talk about income and expenses, help the family not you, the family with money, he is abusive.

FreckledLeopard · 12/09/2014 17:26

Jesus, OP. You poor thing. Your 'D'P sounds like a complete fuckwit. How dare he blame you whilst he lines his pockets?!

What has your mother said?

SkimWordsSuck · 12/09/2014 17:27

What a sad situation. I'm not surprised that he is angry and shocked. £30k is a massive amount of money. I wonder if he thinks you have been wasting money. You said I pay all of the kids stuff, this month so far I have spent £470 on clothes and bday parties etc. Shock I'm not sure I have read this correctly but if you have spent that amount on clothes and birthdays then your arguments that you have not been wasteful don't stand up.

It does seem really odd that he is so private about his own money and that he is unwilling to share costs like a normal family. I think id start billing him for 'childcare' for a start. He can only work his long hours because you are at home with the kids.

The first thing I would do if I were you is to do a full money makeover SEE MoneySavingExpert for details HERE. You and your partner should do this together so you know exactly where you stand. It takes ages to do but will Highlight where you are spending (or wasting) money and how you can save money. I don't know how you can persuade your DP to do this though.

In your OP you say you are 'not good with numbers/figures etc'. I suspect this is not the case and that it is more a matter that you are not good at facing up to the situation. This is totally NORMAL ! and understandable. If you look on any of the debt forums you will see you are one of very many. The figures are not complicated if you are organised.

It sounds like you need couples counselling along with help from a debt organisation (eg StepChange)

I hope you manage to get things sorted. There are amazing stories of people overcoming debt on MN as well as MSE.

Fairylea · 12/09/2014 17:30

£470 on clothes and parties in a month is excessive - but that is not the issue. If finances were arranged better then the op would most probably have had that much free to spend anyway..It is the inequality that is wrong.

GoldfishCrackers · 12/09/2014 17:31

The hoovering comment says it all.
Did you ever have any money troubles before you met him? Or has it only been since you started enabling his career and subsidising his expensive tastes, whilst putting your own career and earning potential on hold.
It sounds like you have been too scared to tell him that the lifestyle he wants can't be had with the split he insists on. Are you scared to raise other issues with him?

HopefulHamster · 12/09/2014 17:36

You have been financially abused for nine years.

No reasonable man would have let this happen.

I'm sorry OP :(

Fluffycloudland77 · 12/09/2014 17:37

I'd look into leaving yes, he's using it as a stick to beat you with & it's not fair.

I don't minimise my online banking if dh comes into the room. He might well be hiding something.

I knew someone in rl who left her high earning dh because she paid for everything out of an admin wage.

I bet he's paying more now he has to pay maintenance.