Admitted to DP I am 30k in debt.....feeling desperate.

[Theboulderhascaughtupwithme]

So, for the last 9 years, my outgoings have exceeded my Incomings.

I am not good with figures/numbers either and despite trying to budget, do spreadsheets etc I have gotten deeper and deeper in debt.

Until two months ago believe it or not I had a gold plated credit rating, never missed payments etc, but now things are starting to bounce and default and I man so very scared.

I am Ina. Professional job, work part time and earn about 20k a year. DP is a company director and last year earnt over 150k, although most of the 100k was a dividend so heavily taxed and he put it all toward buying our house so it's not as if he has absolutely loads in his account.

I have been sobbing my heart out today as for the first time I cannot see a way out. I sent DP an email asking for help ( not necessarily financial, but help maybe re-financing in away I could manage or even just going through the figures, a hand to hold. I knew he would be angry but he has gone ballistic and has text my mum fgs to shame me I know.

The thing is, I have tried to go back to work full time but due to DP letting an incident happen with the DC I now feel unable to leave them ( I got a lucrative out of hours contract which would have averted all this).

I have tried at various points to ask for help but he has determinedly stuck his head in the sand.

Not looking for people to express their disgust with me, all the debt has been on basic living expenses, food, petrol, childcare, the usual.

b am not looking for absolution but could really do with some virtual handholding as I feel like I may be having a breakdown.

Could write more but cannot get me words out at the moment.

Even IF the dp has bipolar, womens aid would still advise that his behaviour towards the op is abusive and that it would be in the best interests for the op and the children to separate.

*sorry I meant for the op and the children to separate from the dp - not for op to leave the children!

Green grow I respect what you are saying, but I simply don't have the ability to earn £150k a year or anywhere near it. I am a graduate in a professional job but the ceiling for what I do is 35k a year.

I wasn't a good life for my kids, hence was pleased DP was fortunate enough to earn a good wage. However there is no way I can match or compete with it!

My FIL has a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. He can also be a complete knobber. Those two things are not related. Except that he uses it as an excuse. Because he's a knobber. Not because he has bipolar disorder.

DP was diagnosed with bipolar after the incident with SS. However he decided there was nothing wrong with him and didn't stick to the medication regime, he also refuses counselling.

I got an extra job which would have involve me working out of hours ( well paid, could have used the extra income to live on and also start to reduce debt) he had an 'episode with his bipolar which got as involved. Worst time in my life. Knew that I could not peruse this as an option at all til kids much much older.

If his bipolar disorder makes him so incapable of looking after the kids, how on earth is he able to work a 60 hour week in, presumably, a fairly high pressured job?

Something feels a it off with that one.

Ouryve yes I fully agree. He tends to cope and keep going at work, but then it all comes out at home iykwim.

He is not a happy person, lots of underlying stuff, and I think he does have a mood disorder but a lot of it is also personality and manipulation. It's complex.

I think he's made you lose all sense of what is normal. You can't possibly plough on until the youngest has left home - you'll be a bankrupt wreck well before then. He just sounds like a nasty fucker, and whatever the finances (and you'll cope) life would be happier without him in it.

FFS is every deliberately trying to misrepresent what I wrote. I get that having mental health issues doesn't give you a free pass to be a bastard. However, being a bastard also doesn't mean that you don't deserve some sympathy and understanding for having mental health issues.

The OPs DH was (I presume) trying to commit suicide when he was looking after the kids. It didn't sound like he was messing around either.

Was you privy to the conversations with healthcare professionals when he was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder? It seems very odd to me that they would diagnose him with such a chronic mental illness after the suicide attempt- unless he has previous similar episodes?

pro.psychcentral.com/differentiating-borderline-personality-disorder-from-bipolar-disorder/005080.html# BPD and BD are often co-morbid and often mistaken for each other. Just a thought...

I think fear (of him and the unknown) keeps you within this but nothing but further misery awaits you and your children if you stay within this. Your situation is not going to improve any. Do you want your children to remember this as their childhoods?. What do you think as adults they will think of you?.

Who diagnosed your DP with bipolar after the incident with SS?. He is simply using such a diagnosis as a further stick in his arsenal of abuse to beat you with.

Out of interest, what does he say was the reasoning behind the overdose? What was he so unhappy about?

I'd make an appointment to see a solicitor and also look on the turn to us website and enter your details as a single parent (it's anonymous) and find out what benefits you would be entitled to. Also go on the csa calculator and work that out too. Knowledge is empowering and once you know what you are entitled to you may feel more positive about leaving.

Do you feel safe right now? Has he ever been physically violent towards you? Get your passports and important documents in a safe place incase you need to make a swift exit. The period between deciding to separate and actually leaving is the most dangerous time in any abusive relationship.

Definitely get important documents into a safe place. Even if he's not likely to lay a hand on you, he's demonstrated that he's not averse to extreme dramatic reactions to things not going his way.

How is your relationship with your mother? If you trust her, then it's probably a good time to tell her everything. If you don't (which I'm only guessing at, since he thought it was a good idea to try to make you look bad in her eyes) then obviously you need to scrap that. If he habitually tries to drive a wedge between you and your mother, that's another classic abuser's ploy, btw.

He denied he was trying to kill himself, just wanted some 'escape'. He had had a nasty row with someone earlier in the day which seemed to set him off. He had been quest before I had gone out but definately no warning he might do something like that.

He totally minimised the incident before and since. I do feel resentful as I in effect trapped by his inability to take sole charge of the DC. I am really not lazy or unwilling but my kids safety and needs have to come first!!

DS has possible Aspergers band so I am reluctant to put him into full time nursery as they have struggled with Him and him we them.

Feeling so I'll now, head hurting and feel like lead. The stress is killing me I reckon.

Oh and to answer the questions re diagnosis, he was formally diagnosed by a psychiatrist. I kept out of it for professional reasons........ I have no doubt he was diagnosed as there was enough evidence to support this. HoweveI think personality plays a huge part too.

Fairy he is just an unhappy person generally. Some childhood trauma and I think he also represses his real desires ( not necessarily sexual, just general life desires).

He hates his job but is trapped by the money it makes.

Estranged from his mum.

Such a mess.

Its funny how he denies anything is wrong and yet pulls these stunts to keep you in line isnt it? Seems to me that he has a disorder when it suits his purposes.

Forget his "episodes " punishments for your stepping out of line and imagine violence.

On the day you started your new job he beat you to a pulp. When you tried to bring up money he smashed your teeth in. When you told him about the debt he tried to murder you.

That is what he is doing TO YOU MIND. He is beating it, hurting, trying to destroy it. Think of this as physical abuse to your sanity.

It might help you to see that you are being systematically and deliberately abused. Make no mistake, a man who can hold down a job to earn that kind of money has self control and self awareness. The fact that he is treating you like this is because he wants to.

Read Lundy Bancroft. Him having an 'episode' when you have something on can be a way of controlling you. And let's face it, it's worked hasn't it, you don't do the things you want to because you are scared.

Talk to Women's Aid. They will listen and help.

You earn about what i do in my part time job. DH has a large 6 figure salary.

He pays ALL the household expenses. I pay for my petrol, clothes, dog expenses, hairdresser, general day to day stuff etc and i buy clothes etc for my DD's. I was also contributing to DD1's uni living costs.

If in any one month i am low on funds i only have to ask and DH transfers me a bit more. This is how it should work in a healthy relationship. You should not be in debt because your DP should be contributing significantly more than you to the household finances.

You are being abused by your DP and need to assess the future of your relationship. You will gain strength by taking control.

DO NOT take your name off house deeds

DO see a solicitor to assess your entitlement to any equity

It doesn't matter if your credit rating is fucked, you do not want any more debt anyway

call creditors and try to negotiate, interest rate freeze, payment breaks. If you cannot pay them, don't ignore them. It will be horrible but worse if they come knocking.

Dear OP, get out of that relationship as fast as you can, please, for the sake of your sanity.

Leave and soon. This is horrifying.

do you think he said he has BPD and you have taken it to mean Bi Polar Disorder whereas it really was Borderline Personality Disorder??

Nettle no he said bipolar two.