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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Admitted to DP I am 30k in debt.....feeling desperate.

343 replies

Theboulderhascaughtupwithme · 12/09/2014 16:34

So, for the last 9 years, my outgoings have exceeded my Incomings.

I am not good with figures/numbers either and despite trying to budget, do spreadsheets etc I have gotten deeper and deeper in debt.

Until two months ago believe it or not I had a gold plated credit rating, never missed payments etc, but now things are starting to bounce and default and I man so very scared.

I am Ina. Professional job, work part time and earn about 20k a year. DP is a company director and last year earnt over 150k, although most of the 100k was a dividend so heavily taxed and he put it all toward buying our house so it's not as if he has absolutely loads in his account.

I have been sobbing my heart out today as for the first time I cannot see a way out. I sent DP an email asking for help ( not necessarily financial, but help maybe re-financing in away I could manage or even just going through the figures, a hand to hold. I knew he would be angry but he has gone ballistic and has text my mum fgs to shame me I know.

The thing is, I have tried to go back to work full time but due to DP letting an incident happen with the DC I now feel unable to leave them ( I got a lucrative out of hours contract which would have averted all this).

I have tried at various points to ask for help but he has determinedly stuck his head in the sand.

Not looking for people to express their disgust with me, all the debt has been on basic living expenses, food, petrol, childcare, the usual.

b am not looking for absolution but could really do with some virtual handholding as I feel like I may be having a breakdown.

Could write more but cannot get me words out at the moment.

OP posts:
tanukiton · 12/09/2014 22:24

GET OUT !
This is so wrong ! if your name is on the house when it sells you can clear the debt.

SolidGoldBrass · 13/09/2014 00:39

Talk to WOmen's Aid, see a solicitor and get rid of this man. Bipolar my arse, he's just got Shitbagitis - the ability to function perfectly well until he decides to cause his partner some aggravation...

MexicanSpringtime · 13/09/2014 02:10

Certainly doesn't sound like any case of bipolar I have ever come across

mimishimmi · 13/09/2014 03:13

If he is paying half of childcare and half of mortgage etc, he should also be paying for any grocery items he wants that don't fit into your Aldi budget. He should also be contributing to the costs of their clothing and activities.

FrontForward · 13/09/2014 05:34

Regardless if why he has behaved like this the whole situation is wrong. Don't get bogged down in feeling sorry for him so that you stay and accept what will become an even more intolerable life once the children get older.

Either changes occur or you need to leave. Changes being him getting treatment and your finances being thoroughly shared.

This won't get better for ignoring it...just like debt

Iggly · 13/09/2014 07:50

Did you buy your place based on his salary? In which case half the mortgage each is not fair.

Are the DC his? In which case he needs to feed them and pay childcare. They're not your responsibility they are both of your responsibilities.

TopsieTurvie · 13/09/2014 08:31

OP, i feel for you re concerns about contact after a split. It is hard, really hard not to worry when they are with him. But social services already have a red flag about him. You minimising his issues and turning your life upside down to just keep your children safe from him is doing them no favours at all in the long run. If you leave (or, better, throw him out if you can), rebuild your life, be happier, fulfilled, not living in fear, then that has to be better than the children's normality being "how to be trapped and isolated and unhappy". And with a bit of time and distance you can subtly draw their attention to controlling and abusive traits in other people, so eventually they will see your P for what he is. Good luck!

Humansatnav · 13/09/2014 09:56

Are you ok this morning op ?

Original poster
Theboulderhascaughtupwithme · 13/09/2014 10:13

Hi Human thanks so much for asking.

Had very little sleep last night. Didn't eat much yesterday so that didn't help.

Got up at six when youngest woke, he stayed in bed and made a face/ noise when I disturbed him to get kids clothes to iron. He is up now but just lead on sofa not doing anything.

I had to ask him this a.m if I could have some money for food and a birthday cake for DC as it's his birthday tomorrow. He said yes but I feel like scum.

Went on entitled to website this a.m to see if leaving would even be possible, DP has said 'jokingly' in the past that if we split he would pay himself a pound a week to avoid having to pay CSA. I would like to believe he would not do this but cannot rule it out so If I leave I need to know exactly where we would stand financially. If we sole the house the debt would be wiped out and I would have a good lump sum to keep for the future but probably couldn't ever buy another home, that scares me.

The website says I would not be entitled to any help with childcare bill ( approx 7.5k per year!!!) but it seems I would get something in the form of universal credit, towards rent and council tax.

Am planning on seeing a solicitor for half an hours free advice next week.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/09/2014 10:28

OP.... even if your 'D'P hates his DCs so much that he only gave a pound a week towards their upkeep, and even if you were living in a one-bed caravan eating cold baked beans out of a tin I think, as long as he left you alone, you'd be 10x happier than you are now.

Glad you're seeing a solicitor. Get good advice rather than listening to the threats and bullshit.

SkimWordsSuck · 13/09/2014 10:32

Perhaps, before you alert him to the fact that you are thinking of leaving, you should try and gather some more information about the family finances. Do you think you might be able pursuance him to do a family budget so that you understand exactly what money is coming in and where it's going.

If he has 'joked' about what he would do if you split then it makes sense to establish the facts now.

Fluffycloudland77 · 13/09/2014 10:32

He's a charmer isn't he?. Can he even do the £1 a week thing?.

Wouldn't a judge see through that?.

elastamum · 13/09/2014 10:37

He has been systematically abusing you financially for years, saving money for himself whilst you run up debts supporting his children. I think you need to get some legal advice and also talk to women's aid.

Force the sale of the house, or even make him buy you out. You can then start a life without him debt free.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/09/2014 10:45

@Fluffycloudland... if someone's remuneration includes dividends or share options - which are often discretionary - they are classed & taxed differently to straightforward PAYE income. Self-employed people can also be quite slippery because their declared/taxable income often doesn't reflect their standard of living.

Maintenance payments are usually based on disposable income and a total shit with a clever accountant hostile ex-partner can try to fudge the picture by squirreling funds offshore etc. Some solicitors specialise in the more forensic accounting required in that kind of case.

Someone like the OP would be well-advised to work on the basis that they will get nothing out of their ex-partner and then treat anything they do secure as a bonus.

Humansatnav · 13/09/2014 10:49

I'm glad your making steps to look at leaving this horrible situation. Flowers

FairPhyllis · 13/09/2014 10:53

Your debt situation has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.

You are in a domestic violence situation. He is financially abusing you and has been for years. You must talk to Women's Aid.

If the house is in your names jointly, you can eventually force a sale of the house to get your share and wipe out your debt.

Original poster
Theboulderhascaughtupwithme · 13/09/2014 10:55

Yes cogito that is exactly it. He can quite legally pay him self £1 a week but give himself a dividend of £150 k per year!! So so unfair but that's how it is.

He just had another massive go at me calling me a stupid cow, where has all the money gone, belittled me saying I have nothing to show for it.

Said he has been miserable for fifteen years!!! That includes the five years he was with previous partner!

OP posts:
Original poster
Theboulderhascaughtupwithme · 13/09/2014 10:56

Gotta go he is back will update later.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/09/2014 11:02

This man will always be miserable. Let him do the £1/week thing and look at it this way... if he gives you nothing, he can take nothing away. Free at last....

Cinnamon73 · 13/09/2014 11:07

I would gather as much evidence about his earnings, pension, savings as possible and then just leave.

Get legal advice.

Don't put up with this shit any longer. He's brainwashed you thoroughly for you to go into debt when he earns megabucks.

Have some Flowers and a Brew and bloody well done for finally seeing him for what he is.

Direwolf · 13/09/2014 11:07

Hello op.

Firstly don't be afraid of debt. Most of us have it. I'm around ten k in debt as a lone parent to four kids and currently going bankrupt. I'm not ashamed. I tried for years to keep on top of things. In the end I had a breakdown and now I've had enough.

Contact national debt line. This can be sorted but you can't do it on your own. There are options such as debt management plans, iva's or trust deeds. It all sounds scary but the relief when things are back in control is immense.

As for your dp, I can't advise there. That's between you and him. But get on the phone and in a few days time you could have a debt plan in action. Deal with him later.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/09/2014 11:16

The OP doesn't need a debt plan. The money has been spent on the family and the family has more than enough money in the pot to pay off the debt.

Inertia · 13/09/2014 11:17

Boulder, he is so abusive that I don't know whether you are even able to see it - that's how much he has beaten you down.

The incident that led to CP issues is the biggest worry of all - it means that all future contact with the children must be supervised.

None of this is your fault. The debt isn't your fault. He has been feathering his nest while expecting you to provide for everyone on a much smaller income. The hiding bank details is a huge concern, and the fact you are not married leaves you very vulnerable. Selling the house might be the only way forward.

In the short term, I think you need legal advice to help you plan what you need to do , especially given his threats to avoid CSA ( he isn't joking btw). You might actually be financially better off without him.

I would provide nutritious ( but good value ) food for the children, but only very basic food such as potatoes, lentils, bread for you and your partner, to avoid any further debt building.

I don't know anything about his mental health issues, but they must strike incredibly selectively to jeopardise his children's safety and sabotage your career while allowing him to carry on unhindered doing everything he chooses to do.

clam · 13/09/2014 11:49

If you'd been splashing money about on shoes and handbags, then he just might have a point. But this is so far from a healthy relationship that I don't know where to start.

OnGoldenPond · 13/09/2014 11:59

One thing jumped out at me as soon as I read the first few lines of your OP.

Your DP received a £100k payment as a dividend but appears to have told you that it was more heavily taxed than normal salary as it was a dividend. This is absolutely not true. Dividends are taxed at a lower rate than salary and no national insurance contributions are deducted as they are from salary. Dividends are widely used by owners of companies to save substantial amounts of tax when taking income from the company. He will know that as that is why he chose to take this as dividend and not bonus. He has simply lied to you to conceal from you just how much money he really has.

I knew from reading those first few lines that he would be a manipulative and financially abusive bstrd. As I have read through the thread my first impressions have been confirmed.

He is determined to keep you under control by keeping you in a financial mess. That is clear as he has done everything in his power to stop you getting a better job which would help you get your finances sorted. The bipolar episode just at the time you were about to take that new job was just a bit TOO convenient don't you think?