Admitted to DP I am 30k in debt.....feeling desperate.

[Theboulderhascaughtupwithme]

So, for the last 9 years, my outgoings have exceeded my Incomings.

I am not good with figures/numbers either and despite trying to budget, do spreadsheets etc I have gotten deeper and deeper in debt.

Until two months ago believe it or not I had a gold plated credit rating, never missed payments etc, but now things are starting to bounce and default and I man so very scared.

I am Ina. Professional job, work part time and earn about 20k a year. DP is a company director and last year earnt over 150k, although most of the 100k was a dividend so heavily taxed and he put it all toward buying our house so it's not as if he has absolutely loads in his account.

I have been sobbing my heart out today as for the first time I cannot see a way out. I sent DP an email asking for help ( not necessarily financial, but help maybe re-financing in away I could manage or even just going through the figures, a hand to hold. I knew he would be angry but he has gone ballistic and has text my mum fgs to shame me I know.

The thing is, I have tried to go back to work full time but due to DP letting an incident happen with the DC I now feel unable to leave them ( I got a lucrative out of hours contract which would have averted all this).

I have tried at various points to ask for help but he has determinedly stuck his head in the sand.

Not looking for people to express their disgust with me, all the debt has been on basic living expenses, food, petrol, childcare, the usual.

b am not looking for absolution but could really do with some virtual handholding as I feel like I may be having a breakdown.

Could write more but cannot get me words out at the moment.

Christ, this is awful. Get professional help to leave him.

You will be better off without this person.

This is just so awful - you really need to think long and hard about why you are with him. And none of this is your fault - you mustn't ever let yourself think that. You're doing the best you can in bloody awful circumstances.

Christ. He has done a number on you, boulder!

You really need some expert advice on how to protect yourself and your DC. He is abusive. He has been paying into an asset all this time while you have been forced to limit your earnings due to his unreliability AND then spend those limited earnings on basic expenses for you and your DC. This is awful.

You've been put in an impossible situation really. Ok, piling up debt was not a great way to deal with it but the debt is the least of your worries...

He is so good with money ( which makes me more ashamed). He has never been in debt at all except the mortgage and when he took over his business. Not one penny overdrawn, no cards etc.

Sweetheart, that's because you are paying for almost everything that is a joint expense. And he LIKES you in debt because that means you are trapped. Every time you have mentioned trying to earn more money/get more qualified he has done everything he could to stop it immediately.

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but in years to come you will see this time in your life as very positive, because it made you confront the issues you have tried so hard to hide and avoid. He is financially and emotionally abusive. Start making your escape plan.

My plan had been to just keep going til youngest was ready to leave home. Also, how do you leave someone when you know they cannot be relied upon to look after the kids on their own?????????

This is not YOUR debt. It is the result of him not contributing fairly to his family's living expenses.

This is wrong on EVERY level.

Fuck a duck!
You bring up your children alone, you live in debt because he is a tightwad, you can't work because he can't be trusted alone with his children, and he can't see any of the situation as his fault, you can't win.
Make a plan and plan to leave

You aren't necessarily leaving him, you could be asking him to leave IYSWIM. You have SS saying that he is unfit to parent and have acted accordingly. Talk to a lawyer about how to protect yourself and the children. Talk to the CAB, talk to WA. Get all the support and advice you can.

Didn't you say your youngest was 3? That's like 2 years til school, I wouldn't last 2 days, you must be a saint.
He can't be relied upon with the children so he will have to be content with supervised visits, that's all he will get anyways. As we works such long hours I doubt he'll be fighting you for more.

You need to talk to Womens Aid asap because this man has had you under his financial thumbscrews for the last nine years. This is actually one of the worst cases of financial abuse that I have read about and unfortunately I have read a fair few of these on here. Your situation is one of financial abuse.

You need another plan and you need to make it now, one that does not involve keeping on going till your youngest is ready to leave home!. They will not thank you for staying with such an individual and may well ask you why on earth you did not leave earlier. It also puts off the inevitable split and makes it harder for you to leave. You are likely already a shadow of your former self and remaining within this for potentially many more years could well leave you a shell of a woman totally unable to leave because you have been further placed under his control. The time to leave is now!.

If this man is actually bothered about seeing his children then he can see them in a contact centre. Why would he ever be given any chance to look after them on his own?.

I think you have a pretty good case for terminating his right to contact except under supervision.

If you left I doubt he would he allowed the kids un chaperoned, particularly as ss were involved. You need to get him to leave love, your relationship is so unequal it's staggering.

D you have people in real life that knows whats been going on?

Jesus fucking Christ, you are in a mess

1- your partner is financially abusive, the debt you got into was entirely his fault for refusing to share his income as he should, refusing to discuss it and allowing this situation to continue.
2- he is also emotionally abusive. I understand that he's not well but to take an overdose when left alone with the kids, on the day you are due to start a new job that he doesn't want you to do, well that's not bipolar, that's power and control. He won didn't he?
3- if you left him you could claim tax credits to help with childcare. You could claim maintenance from him which would not be counted as income.
4- as social services have been involved you would not necessarily have to allow him to have the kids unsupervised. You don't get any time to yourself now so it wouldn't be any harder if you left him, much easier in fact.
5- he sounds completely horrible.

I can see how this can happen and my DH is not financially abuse (although I fear your DP may be!), when I went part time, my income decreased by half, and although my DH earns roughly what your DP does, he only gave me a little of that difference monthly as we were buying/doing up a house etc... However he pays, school fees, mortgage and gives me £600 per month towards bills! Even so, I did find the daily food/petrol/clothes for kids, was more than I could pay myself and so had to speak to him about rebalancing. I gave him the choice, either it goes on my credit card or out of your earnings!

The key is communication and if he is a reasonable man, you will find a way through. However I fear he may not be reasonable, in which case, are you not better off without him?

Honestly this man sounds like he is bullshitting you.

Does he really have bipolar?

Not only is he financially abusive he is emotionally abusive too.

Ring your mum and tell her the facts.

Leave this fucker. You can be a single mother and he will have to pay maintenance.

Staying will not work.

I don't understand why you cannot work because he cannot look after children. Most women who work full time on mums net and their husbands find a child minder , nursery or nanny. Surely there is nothing to stop you working full time and all the more reason to do so if he is likely to disappear at some point and not pay a penny?

I think the solution here is a childminder and return to full time work.

In fact make it your aim to earn more than this £150k and then it won't matter what he does with it as you won't be reliant on him. This is why female careers and feminism are at the route of most happiness for women.

Hahaha Greengrow I've just realised who you are! That puts your views on benefit types into context I suppose...

Greengow the route of happiness for most women is not being with an abusive arsehole and being able to make choices together as a couple that enable you to have the life you both want to have, whatever form that takes.

You need to work out all outgoings and share in a more proportional manner to your incomes, easier said than done though if he is of the mindset that it's 'his' money.

How much is your mortgage? If you have an expensive house with relatively little equity then it's possible that he's paying out a huge amount each month there - maybe he thinks that asking you to pay half of childcare and food is reasonable since he pays the whole mortgage. Since we don't know these figures it's hard to comment on the fairness of that.

If your relationship is unhappy otherwise, then it sounds like you aren't getting much out of staying with him?

Oh dear, this is such an awful situation. I'm a bit horrified about the comments directed at your DP by some posters. He may well be financially abusive but he obviously has serious mental health issues too. You say that he is bipolar. It wasn't a case of him not being arsed to look after the kids - he was (I presume) trying to commit suicide

If your DP wasn't aware that you were in debt then maybe he thought you were 'ok' for cash? If he didn't know you were overspending then surely it wasn't an unreasonable conclusion. Did you ask for more money or tell him that you couldn't afford things? Did you talk about money at all? The fact he didn't give you more money is awful but maybe his mental health issues came into play.

I am NOT disagreeing with the other posters but I am putting a slightly different slant on your situation. I think you have to have some sympathy with your DP as well as with you.

(I'm not sure I have explained this that well)

I wish people,would stop using mental illness as an apology for abuse.

This is a clear cut case of financial and emotional abuse. Op, please disclose to someone in rl

Bipolar is no excuse. Seriously.

I DID NOT use mental illness as an apology for abuse. In fact I wrote that the OP's DP may well be financially abusive.