Potential new OM on the horizon after years in a sexless marriage. (Darkesteyes)

[Darkesteyes]

Im starting a new thread because ive hijacked the Secrets thread far too much . I went on a date on Monday night with a man who asked me out last week.

Details start from the bottom of page 24 of the Secrets thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2148966-Secrets-we-want-to-tell-but-cant?pg=24

Older background here.

everydayvictimblaming.com/submissions/my-mother-misogyny-men/

Have only read first few of your comments on the other page.

Your title suggests your married and thinking of having an affair.

If you do then it's likely to end badly. If you marriage was so bad you would end it. Plenty of other folk manage to.

Maybe you should read all of her comments, Quitelikely.

Darkesteyes, I wish you all the best

Ive made an appointment at my surgery. My head is all over the place and although MNers on here have been great to me i also need to talk to someone in RL

Can I ask Darkest, why you can't/won't leave your husband?
Apologies if it's glaringly obvious somewhere but I missed it!

Darkest I read a small part of your blog thingy - are you saying that because your husband has not wanted to have sex with you, it's a form of abuse??

Perhaps you should read it all.

I just have, now... not wanting sex with you is not emotional abuse, have you never considered your husbands feelings and own issues?

Yes Scouse Between 1996 and 2003 when i asked him to go to counselling and he refused. Which is mentioned in the blog link above.

And if you read it properly instead of projecting you will see that the emotional abuse didnt actually come from him.

In 2010 he told me that i could "do what i needed to do but to please be discreet about it"

But i dont know whether he could foresee me losing the weight again and becoming more confident.

I didnt go looking for this. This man approached me.

Sorry, still not sure and have re-read your blog again.
Do you still love your husband? Is that it? Or is it because he's disabled that you won't leave him?

For ten years he didnt touch me. And didnt want sex. Then for the last 8 years he has been ill and been unable to.

He is now partially disabled so cant. But we are like best friends/flatmates. I love him but in the same way i love my dad and my brother.

I read to the bottom of the blog but I also couldn't see why you can't get divorced. Apart from the fact that your mother will be angry - but are you really saying that's the reason?

I dont even know that im going to go through with seeing this man. Hence the appointment at the surgery later this week. I just started this thread to get things straight in my head because its all over the place.

Go enjoy, you have a lot of catching up to do. Want some anti-viper serum? from retired (male) doc.

drat thanks for making me smile

Thankyou to everyone whos been so supportive. Im popping out now but should be back on later (internet connection permitting)

Hi OP, have just read your thread posts and background info and I really feel for you. I do think that if you're in an open relationship, your DH won't have sex with you and isn't up for counselling, then you have a perfect right to look elsewhere. Life is short, sex is fun and you're not doing anything wrong. But please, for the love of god, make sure you're doing it safely! Don't ever ever get into a car with a man you don't know again! If you're meeting a new man, could you do this? Get his details from him first (full name, address, phone number), pass them on to a friend and let him know you've done this! Find a friend to confide in, let her know when you expect to get back from a date and phone her once you're back. Again, tell him that this is the arrangement! And no condoms is a complete dealbreaker - if your new OM is as keen as he sounds you should be able to negotiate a safe sex solution with him. If not - there are loads of experienced and, er, proficient men out there - you'll find another! Good luck!

You go for it lovely Darkest!!

Sorry, didn't want to come across as preachy Just really wanted to make sure you stay safe.

If its an open relationship and it's not a secret then I think you should not let yourself feel anxious about it.

Agree- do it safely.

As before I would really urge you to be safe.

Certainly in terms of sexual health.
If he "doesn't like condoms", he's likely not to use them with other partners, which he is very likely to have or have had.
That should be a definite must.

Then, I really didn't like the sound of him in the first date in the car. It sounds very needy (from him) and weird, and that was a first date.

I understand the sexual urge (been there), but do maintain your self esteem.
This was a first attempt. It will get better.
But I'd move on.

My heart sank at the name of this thread.

This man wanted you to have a bit of a seedy fumble in the car, asked you for your bar on the first date and would have had sex with you without a condom if you had been stupid enough too. He also asked for a blow job which is seriously tacky in a car.

You say he made you feel amazing, well how abut YOU make yourself fell amazing and realise that orgasms and snogging are cheap thrills with the wrong guy and you are worth more.

I get you are married in a dead marriage. Why not get out of that, live alone for a bit and get some self worth.

What is it you're really looking for? Love? Sex? Both? I get the feeling you want the whole package, not just the tacky dude in the back of the car type. You can have a proper relationship you know, you can leave your dh. It isn't your responsibility to make everyone happy.

Hope you don't mind messaging you directly but just wanted to confirm that he does sound very odd and indefinitely think you did the right thing. Not all guys are against using condoms, certainly I have done with previous long term partners. I think the no condom thing is as much out of watching porn as anything to do with feel!