Potential new OM on the horizon after years in a sexless marriage. (Darkesteyes)

[Darkesteyes]

Im starting a new thread because ive hijacked the Secrets thread far too much . I went on a date on Monday night with a man who asked me out last week.

Details start from the bottom of page 24 of the Secrets thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2148966-Secrets-we-want-to-tell-but-cant?pg=24

To be fair darkest I haven't read all of the previous thread, I didn't realise there was some dodginess to it all - but I did read your second link to your background story and you have been through so much that you really deserve happiness - it's the classic falling for some attention because you never get any.

Is ending your marriage completely out of the question?

Lots of love and thank you for being a support to me - you really really deserve to be happy you know X

Hey darkest, hope you're feeling a bit clearer headed. I want you to go out and have fun. But on your terms. And safely!
This guy sounds odd. Sorry! The things he did and said are odd.
And seriously, lots of men learn the nice touches - tucking your hair behind your ear etc. it's sounds like he's a manipulator.
I don't want to rain on your parade, you deserve a break. But please try and find someone more honest and straight forward. Hugs.

Thankyou so much. Have spent most of the afternoon trying not to cry. its almost as if history is trying to repeat itself. I feel so bloody stupid. Especially after advice ive given to other MNers I think the problem is that you cant always see the wood for the trees when you are in the situation yourself. So im going to treat this as the catalyst it obviously is and try to get some help. It can be hard dealing with attention when you arent getting any at all at home. Ive had some nice compliments today. The weight loss is very noticeable now. I did comfort eat after splitting with the ex OM (as explained in the blog post) and i tried to get that weight off quite a few times but got so scared of having sexual feelings and sexual confidence again i just ran away from the healthy eating and piled some of the weight back on. But this time i didnt run away from the healthy eating and kept on going. I wont be going back to eating crap though. That is not a solution and im so used to small portion sizes now that i cant anyway. But this is not a healthy cycle to be in and i know i have to do something about it. thankyou MNers

Mystery did you PM me or have i misunderstood. I cant see it in my Pms.

Sorry, but is it just me who's totally fucking confused with this thread? Don't get the re to page 24?!? Nor does the blog thingy make much sense...?

Are you basically saying you used to be fat, and now that you're not, you feel you deserve sex? Sorry I just don't follow at all and think it's all a bit wierd, what surgery are you having and what's its relation to your sex life??

I am a little confused too. Mostly by the idea that somehow feminism has changed your views on your marriage etc - but the whole point of feminism is about having equal rights to happiness and freedom. That includes being able to leave a marriage that is making you unhappy. All the weight loss in the world isn't going to change how you feel about your husband or the situation you are in right now.

What would you like to happen going forward from here?

I have an appointment to see the doctor at the surgery.

Is that with a view to seeking counselling or something else?

Above all please look after your personal safety. That sounds really patronising and I don't mean it to but I had a very good friend who essentially had a bit of a breakdown over a similar relationship to yours with your dh and she ended up meeting men for sex and one of the men she met hurt her very badly. It really frightened her and shortly afterwards she left her dh and remained single for a long time. There are a lot of dangerous and weird people out there.

Um yeah scousebird you definitely sound 'totally fucking confused with this thread'

Best move on to one not so hard work for you.

I think a lot of old wounds have been opened for darkest with what has happened, she's a sensible girl and has realised talking it out with a professional will be very beneficial. All that suppression and guilt (Catholics love feeling guilty!) has really taken its toll

Sorry, Catholics don't 'love' feeling guilty obviously!

Well namechanged, if she'd make it clear as opposed to cryptical, what has surgery got in relation to sexless marriage?! Sorry, it's just all over the place

Fairylea its with a view to talk to someone yes. Im incredibly sorry to hear about your friend. I hope she is ok now.

Name has basically whacked the nail on the head.

Darkest, I think it's very easy to fall into the trap of thinking any attention is good attention in a situation like yours. It is nice to feel wanted, even if under any other circumstances you wouldn't give a fig if that person wanted you or not. This man sounds creepy and if he wants to keep his name secret and fumble about in his car, he is probably married too.

I am certain you do deserve better than this and there are guys out there who will be more respectful, safe and less tacky, who might even understand your situation and respect your choice to care for your husband.

Hi Mini Thankyou.

Yes didn't have you down as a quick fumble in a car kind of gal darkest

Look at me with my snog I had - he looked like Penfold ffs - he was a 40 year old virgin who couldn't believe his luck. No woman in her right mind would have gone there, only me, who isn't in her right mind, starved of love, affection and attention.

It didn't do wonders for my self esteem. It just highlighted how shit my situation really is. And I think this sounds like it might be the same for you.

We are worth so much more than being there for some random to get his rocks off over. So much more

Damn right Name. In this case this guy looked a bit like my ex OM who i was with from mid 2003 to early 2008. Which has made me wonder if i could be sexually attracted to the same type

I am not attracted to bad "boys" usually . Its just weird.

Well, I totally get it - you're in your prime darkest, you're still young, you have needs and you are attractive! - maybe you are attracted to a type - is he/are they very different from your H?

yes its weird. Both ex Om and this other guy have very similar faces. slightly overweight similar builds ....even the same walk

Ex Om was a redhead DH is dark haired (he has some dark hair left even though hes 64) like me.

Maybe the men i feel sexual chemistry with has changed as ive got older.

My ex OM looks/looked like the actor Chris Larkin who i have a thing for too.

Just googled him - nice! Do you know what I think (and I may be barking right up the wrong tree here) but the slightly overweight thing and then Chris Larkin's face just says comforting to me. Like they are non threatening in a way. I eventually will have an OM I hope and the thought of some fit, dashing, honed type is scary, I don't have the self assurance for that, not that one would ever look my way either - but someone with flaws is much more my thing, and I'm wondering if the same for you? Less guilt attached, a comforting, homely extra marital affair haha !

Ive never been turned on by the "hunky" types . I LIKE flaws There is just something about them. I just cant explain it.....i like the idea of being with a man like this.

Guys like Tom Cruise or Russell Crowe Brad Pitt I just dont see what other women see ( no offence to them) i think im wired differently.

My ex OM had slightly crooked teeth. I found it endearing.

Oh me too Darkest, does my head in that 'all' women swoon over George Clooney and bloody Brad Pitt...BORING!! Give me slightly overweight with crooked teeth any day haha!!

I did ask MN to pull this thread this afternoon but i have now sent them two more messages asking to leave it up. Thanks to the wonderful advice ive had on here im now feeling a lot clearer.