Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's female friend

177 replies

mermaid101 · 10/09/2014 13:51

My husband and I have been together for about ten years, married for three and have two DC, one who is six weeks old.

When I met him, he was part of a big social group. This group has naturally drifted a bit as people settled down, but he still sees a lot of his friends.

When we met,and for many years after I had a very big issue with him and one of his female friends who is part of this group. I feel they behaved almost as if they were together. There are numerous examples I could list, but I want to try to keep this as brief as possible, but happy to elaborate if anyone wants. This has caused massive arguments between us over the years and has badly dented my confidence. Gradually, he and she drifted apart. My DH says he let the friendship go as it made me uncomfortable.

This person had a baby at the same time as me and my DH has said he wants us all to meet up to avoid any future awkwardness as he says that now we have children of the same age we will be seeing more of each other as people in his social circle tend to gravitate towards each other more when they have children of the same age.

I'm really upset by this. I feel undermined and humiliated by the way they used to behave together. I am also worried that they slip back into their old "relationship". He is mostly a SAHD and I will return to work full time afte my maternity leave. Whereas I don't think they are going to have an affair or anything, you never know do you? And I just can't bear the thought of them being the way they were in the past: having special nick names for each other, her phoning him for reassurance when she was upset about things, hugging play fighting etc.

I'm very sleep deprived just now and feel a bit fragile and over emotional but I feel very uneasy about this situation. I'm also very upset that this person may start to be around me more. I have made friends with some of the other mothers in the group and enjoy their company. What should I do? I ended up having a massive argument with my DH last night and it felt like we were fighting about stuff we used to years ago. I'm so tired just now I can't think straight. Could anyone give me some guidance ?

OP posts:
sonjadog · 10/09/2014 13:55

Could you talk to him about which behaviour is okay and which you find upsetting? If you could find out what exactly would upset you if he did and what would be okay, would that make you feel calmer about it?

Original poster
mermaid101 · 10/09/2014 13:57

That's a good idea. I never thought of that. I would need to really spell it out to him because he insists that they were never anything but friends, but he behaved very differently with her as he did with anyone else.

OP posts:
rootypig · 10/09/2014 13:59

Christ. 6 weeks after having a baby is about the worst time I could imagine for dealing with deep, recurring problems in your relationship. Why on earth has your DH brought it up? it seems so unnecessary.

But don't answer that, because my advice is that you must find a way to park this until you're on more solid ground - most of all, much better rested. Don't see her, and don't talk about her. And don't think about her. (Re)read Othello. You and your DH are together responsible for keeping her out of your relationship. (I don't mean that you are responsible for his behaviour, but only you can keep a rein on your thoughts.)

If it helps you to feel less like you're losing your mind, special nick names, phone calls, play fighting and whatnot would definitely not be ok with me. Nor would I expect my husband to tolerate me having such a relationship.

NettleTea · 10/09/2014 14:01

Presumably this friend has a husband/partner now? How does he feel about them hugging and play fighting?
I have often seen the book 'not just friends' mentioned on here - perhaps you could get it and go through it with him, maybe as a prelude to the re-introduction. Most people dont go into friendship intending to have an affair, but I believe this book highlights the dangerzones, so may be worth mentioning, for BOTH of you (pointing out that many affairs happen at work - so you are just as likely to be vulnerable as he is)
Ive heard it referred to as 'affair proofing' your relationship

FelicityGubbins · 10/09/2014 14:04

if it were me (and I do have a bit of a sledgehammer attitude I must admit) I would tell him point blank that the only cause for any social awkwardness with her would be if they go back to their way over the line behaviour, and as i'm not as sweet as I used to be I would be publicly calling them out on it the second they started, "so best not to go there, eh dear?" (glare)

One lesson I have learnt the hard way over the years is to not let politeness get in the way of stopping situations that make me unhappy

JustSpeakSense · 10/09/2014 14:08

Just tell him 'I don't like her, I don't like you when you are around her, I don't want to see her again, I don't care if it's awkward or not, she does not respect our marriage and I don't want your friendship repaired or rekindled, I have no desire for our children to be friends and grow up together. This is not debatable, and we will not be discussing this matter again'

MargotThreadbetter · 10/09/2014 14:08

Is she going to be a SAHM by any chance? Only asking because if your DH is staying at home with your baby, this could potentially escalate - that's what I'd be most concerned about I think.

Original poster
mermaid101 · 10/09/2014 14:09

Thanks rooty! Thanks for telling me those things are not ok. This is part of the reasons for the arguments , both last night and in the past. He insists that it was nothing but a normal, innocent friendship that I over reacted to. I am convinced that it was not. He gets really angry when I try to discuss what made/makes me uneasy and keeps shouting "I haven't done anything wrong". But I think he has.

I think you're right not to see her just now. I was thinking of maybe just getting it out the way, but, quite apart from anything else, I've put on quite a bit of weight. She is all glam and thin and I hear she's already back at the gym!

I am also a bit concerned that my DH brought this up just now and also suggested meeting up. He knows this is a real sensitive subject in our relationship. I asked him why he did and he said it just came into his mind. This is unusual behaviour for him.

OP posts:
MargotThreadbetter · 10/09/2014 14:11

Why is he getting defensive if it's all innocent? Red flag.

Bisou88 · 10/09/2014 14:14

If he respects you and your feelings he wouldnt even be thinking about rekindling this friendship with her.

I second what JustSpeakSense says.

Original poster
mermaid101 · 10/09/2014 14:15

I think it is likely that she will be either working part time or staying at home. I am very concerned about them having lots of "free" time and an excellent excuse to see each other.

I said all this to my DH last night and he said he was so hurt and angry that I could even suggest he might have an affair, but I pointed out that these things can "happen" without people planning them. She has had an affair with someone else in the group about five years ago.

She is married. I have heard her DH is not keen on my DH and had voiced similar disquiet in the past. He is not really part of the social group so I see him very, very rarely.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 10/09/2014 14:15

One question I would want to have answered is if he and she drifted apart and your DH says he let the friendship go as it made you uncomfortable why does he think re-introducing this woman is a good idea now? If it made you uncomfortable then why would this have changed? If there is going to be any "future awkwardness" it will be him introducing it.

Mostly a SAHD having her in his friendship group sounds like a really bad idea to me.

Still, as Rootypig said, I think you should park it for now. Your baby is only weeks old and there's no need to see anyone at all, never mind a woman you have made perfectly clear you don't want in your life.

FelicityGubbins · 10/09/2014 14:19

"I haven't done anything wrong" to which you reply "and 'im making sure you fucking well don't, she is not part of our, or our childrens lives, and never will be, END OF

worked for me Grin

MargotThreadbetter · 10/09/2014 14:20

Hmm. Very cozy set up if they're both going to be SAHPs.
Are they in touch at the moment?

Roseblossom2 · 10/09/2014 14:23

I think your "jealousy" here is justifiable, and I wouldn't put up with it.

If they have drifted apart and your relationship settled from all that past hassle, why bring it back, and who got in contact with who for the idea.

What kind of person is he in general? touchy feely? playful...etc or is the way he is acting with her the only relationship close to yours and his? If he is singling her out as special or different from other friends and has a different emotional and physical relationship with her than other close friends then he needs to get a grip and not put you through this emotional strain.

If her DH is in the same boat and of the same opinion than you then they both need to grow up and get their priorities straight. You don't need this stress right now and he shouldn't be so desperate to be around here that he would invite this kind of problem back into the relationship!

Sorry if I'm being a bit abrupt, reminds me of a situation with an ex and it's gotten me all riled up! lol.

JustSpeakSense · 10/09/2014 14:26

But he HAS done something wrong....he has upset his wife, made you feel uncomfortable and uneasy. The only good thing he did do was pull away from this woman...and yet now he wants (permission) to start all over again!

Original poster
mermaid101 · 10/09/2014 14:30

He says they aren't in touch just now. She had her baby the day before me, so apparently they exchanged a few texts announcing the babies and that was it.

I really upset about the timing of this. Because I work full time, it has been hard for me to make friends with other mums. The ones I have made friends with do know her as well, although they aren't particularly close. My elder child is friendly with their children and I would be loathe to jeopardise that. I think I hoped that she would make her own friends with babies, but perhaps not. I'm happy to mainly avoid her and if I see her at a child's birthday party or a christening or something like that, just exchange minimum courtesies.

I do find seeing her very stressful and a bit embarrassing. She knows how I feel about her and my DH. I find this humiliating.

OP posts:
hollyisalovelyname · 10/09/2014 14:34

She's already upset the group by having an affair with one of them- big red flag.

Original poster
mermaid101 · 10/09/2014 14:34

Rose blossom,

He is a friendly, sociable person but he definitely has behaved differently with her. The group is mixed and he doesn't/didn't behave this way with other women.

Can I ask what happened in your situation? How did it all play out?

OP posts:
MrsWolowitz · 10/09/2014 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustSpeakSense · 10/09/2014 14:38

It really riles me that you feel insecure, self conscious and embarrassed around her.....how BLOODY dare they both make you feel like that!

Jackie0 · 10/09/2014 14:44

In the past I've let politeness or not wanting to seem a killjoy/nag put me in uncomfortable situations and now that I'm a bit older and wiser I look back and think wtf?
Seriously you are being completely reasonable and you should just say " no way!"
He's picked a horrible time to spring this on you.
If you go along with it it will just get worse, nip it in the bud.
I bloodly hate women that do this " friends with other peoples husbands "crap, the world doesn't work like that.

Twinklestein · 10/09/2014 14:45

It doesn't really matter whether your feelings are justified or not, if it makes you this unhappy then surely he could just stay away from her.

Nick names, hugging, play fights, I don't do that with any straight, attached male but my husband and I'm quite a huggy person. There's probably nothing to it, but that's not the point.

It's a bit naughty of him just to announce that you have to see because from now on you're going to see more of each other, without asking you...

DizzyMidget · 10/09/2014 14:47

Mermaid - With my ex it was two different girls - but he had a lot of mixed friends as he worked in bars/service sector so it wasn't females that bothered me.

But with the two girls I caved in, let him do what he wanted (nights out with them without me, meeting up for coffee, having them round, being generally playful..etc), and it sent me into emotional turmoil watching them.

He knew I didn't like it, but still did it, and even moresoe, he let the other two women know how much I disagreed with it, so despite my being civil front with them, they were always catty/off with me due to knowing I didn't like them. As he was "best friends" with them and discussed problems, me being the problem would also come up in conversation!

I eventually saw sense after about 4 years, he wouldn't compromise with that and other rubbish behaviour, so I walked out (and like all mistakes they always come crawling back).

I'm not with someone who has my same traditional ideas of relationships and friendships and would luckily not put me in that situation and expecting our first baby together.

I didn't have children involved, so my situation was different and less reason for him to commit and compromise and I wouldn't suggest you walk out AT ALL if you have a happy relationship. Just stand your ground. She can't be worth that much to him that it's worth causing friction in his relationship xx

DizzyMidget · 10/09/2014 14:50

Sorry mermaid I changed my username!!! (I'm Roseblossom)