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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's female friend

177 replies

mermaid101 · 10/09/2014 13:51

My husband and I have been together for about ten years, married for three and have two DC, one who is six weeks old.

When I met him, he was part of a big social group. This group has naturally drifted a bit as people settled down, but he still sees a lot of his friends.

When we met,and for many years after I had a very big issue with him and one of his female friends who is part of this group. I feel they behaved almost as if they were together. There are numerous examples I could list, but I want to try to keep this as brief as possible, but happy to elaborate if anyone wants. This has caused massive arguments between us over the years and has badly dented my confidence. Gradually, he and she drifted apart. My DH says he let the friendship go as it made me uncomfortable.

This person had a baby at the same time as me and my DH has said he wants us all to meet up to avoid any future awkwardness as he says that now we have children of the same age we will be seeing more of each other as people in his social circle tend to gravitate towards each other more when they have children of the same age.

I'm really upset by this. I feel undermined and humiliated by the way they used to behave together. I am also worried that they slip back into their old "relationship". He is mostly a SAHD and I will return to work full time afte my maternity leave. Whereas I don't think they are going to have an affair or anything, you never know do you? And I just can't bear the thought of them being the way they were in the past: having special nick names for each other, her phoning him for reassurance when she was upset about things, hugging play fighting etc.

I'm very sleep deprived just now and feel a bit fragile and over emotional but I feel very uneasy about this situation. I'm also very upset that this person may start to be around me more. I have made friends with some of the other mothers in the group and enjoy their company. What should I do? I ended up having a massive argument with my DH last night and it felt like we were fighting about stuff we used to years ago. I'm so tired just now I can't think straight. Could anyone give me some guidance ?

OP posts:
Original poster
mermaid101 · 11/09/2014 20:30

I suppose I could vivacia. I do have some other friends outside of this group, but I'm very happy with them. I really like the other women and, crucially, my daughter had formed friendships with the other children. I suppose I have to work out which is the least palatable out come if you like.

I have already turned down a few invites because I know she will be there, but unless I really isolate myself from them all, I am going to see her at some point.

OP posts:
FelicityGubbins · 11/09/2014 20:31

oh, and your point 2, that she will be in your life more...well no actually if you kick off enough he will decide its just not worth it, and tbh fuck her and her feelings, she is a disrespectful cow and an adulterer to boot, and so long as you remind him of this every time he mentions her, .... (ie.."i got a text off jane today"..."oh, is she fucking someone elses husband again, or is she still on the trawl for another supid bastards marriage to fuck up", not the best way to behave but as they say, alls fair in love and war Wink

Original poster
mermaid101 · 11/09/2014 20:31

Yes, that is a very good point. 3am just now is a very different animal from ten years ago I can tell you!

OP posts:
Vivacia · 11/09/2014 20:35

I would be fairly honest with why I was refusing an invite, "I'm not being funny, but I'm not comfortable being in the same company as X, I wouldn't have a fun time".

chaseface · 11/09/2014 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
mermaid101 · 11/09/2014 20:46

Felicity, you say you are a person who had been there. Would you be able to tell me a bit about what happened to you and how you dealt with it?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 11/09/2014 20:58

When I got together with DP he had a friend like this, key part of their friendship group, and I understand a couple of times they'd had sex after a night out. She was vile to me for about our first week together.

FelicityGubbins · 11/09/2014 21:10

Mermaid, i will inbox you...

springbabydays · 11/09/2014 21:26

You'll make new mummy friends (ugh, sorry to use that phrase!) with your new baby. Your dd is at an age where she'll make new friends very easily, and unlikely to miss the old ones. Be honest like vivacia suggested. Perhaps try to catch up with the other mums on a one to one basis (lots of people conduct most friendship this way).

Don't put your feelings second place, right now you need to give yourself some peace of mind.

hollyisalovelyname · 12/09/2014 17:03

How did the group react when she had the affair with one of them. Was she married at the time or was her lover. She sounds like she loves the power she gets from having your dh dangle.

Original poster
mermaid101 · 13/09/2014 09:49

Holly, it's quite hard to say really. Because I was/am a bit of an outsider in the group I didn't/don't get to hear people talking about it much. I found out about it by accident although I did have my suspicions before.

He was single at the time. He moved away not long after.

People weren't particulty shocked/angry/judgemental. Anyone who did mention it did it in a fairly matter of fact way. There was no sympathy for her partner. I think this was because he wasn't really part of the group so they didn't really care about him.

Worryingly it was sort of explained/accepted because she and he were "really good friends". I think they had previously been an item so, as far as I could tell, people didn't seem too worried.

I

OP posts:
Vivacia · 13/09/2014 10:45

How have things been? Has any more been said?

mipmop · 13/09/2014 11:54

I don't think it's been said already, but have you spoken about this from his children's perspective? Would he want this for his daughters? "Daddy does it, so it's good, and my husband should do that too." It is that simplistic at their age- whatever they see is their normal. You haven't mentioned any other ways that he is disrespectful toward you, but dealing with any other points might help with this one too.

Disappointing though if it has to be pointed out to him.

Whatever happens, it sounds like it'd be good if you can make more friends independently of this group. Whether that's at work or through activities your children do, people you meet at the park or wherever.

Original poster
mermaid101 · 13/09/2014 12:49

Hi vivacia

Thanks for asking. Nothing else has been said. My DH has had a lot on at work so I haven't really seen that much of him, and when I have we've both been really tired.

However, the baby seems to be sleeping a bit better and he's not as busy this week, so I'm going to get it sorted/properly discussed.

The feedback and support on this thread has given me ideas/ suggestions/clarity on what I want to say. More importantly, I have gained some confidence and courage. I often did think that perhaps I was over reacting or being controlling. I'm very greatful to everyone who has taken the time to contribute.

OP posts:
Wrapdress · 13/09/2014 17:06

I'm trying to think of anyone I know in RL who has such a relationship that wasn't an affair and all I can come up with is a gay man/straight woman relationship. They are being very intimate and I would wonder (1) affair (2) is he the father of her baby (3) is DH wanting to re-engage with her because that's his baby and (4) is DH feeling all high and mighty about having two babies within a day of each other.

So, yeah, I went zero to 100 on that one, I know. Worst case scenario.

chaseface · 13/09/2014 18:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rivercam · 13/09/2014 19:01

Wrap dress - I think you've been reading mumsnet too long...! It could be possible, of course, but there is no mention of suspicious behaviour before this comment.

Original poster
mermaid101 · 13/09/2014 19:54

Wrap dress, thanks for posting. I hadn't considered what you suggest. The inappropriate behaviour I have described all happened years ago. I suppose one can never be sure, but I'm fairly confident he is not the father of her baby.
But thanks. It's good to hear all sorts of opinions and ideas. They are giving me solace and strength!

OP posts:
hollyisalovelyname · 14/09/2014 10:19

Mermaid reread what you wrote to me
'..... there was no sympathy for her partner'
'...... worringly...... it was accepted.... as they were friends.... before'
RED FLAGS?

emmsphillips · 14/09/2014 10:31

Its not ok for your DH to maintain this relationship. I don't want to come across as smug but can only speak of my experience. My DH does not have any female friends as he says it's not healthy or productive. Your DH would IMHO would not be ok if you maintained a similar relationship with a male. Life is tough and complicated as it is without these silly distractions. He should be showing loyalty to you by operating in the boundaries of what you feel comfortable with after all you are the mother of his children. Who is she to him again?...

badbaldingballerina123 · 14/09/2014 15:19

Holly makes a very good point. This group sounds toxic. They've accepted her affair , had no sympathy for the innocent party , and shown no disapproval about both her and your husbands previous behaviour. You also don't feel comfortable making waves . I can't see what you would really get out of socializing with these people. Are these people really the sort you want in your daughters life ?

I think it would be wise to develop your own healthy friendships separate from your husbands , and seek out new friendships for your daughter. The combination of your husbands previous bad behaviour , and his affair apologist friends are not a good mix, meaning the social conditions for more inappropriate behaviour from the two of them are already in place.

Gredandforge · 14/09/2014 15:57

This was what stood out to me:
"now we have children of the same age we will be seeing more of each other as people in his social circle tend to gravitate towards each other more when they have children of the same age."

"We WILL...tend to gravitate."

There is no "will" without choice; there is nothing that says you HAVE to do something just because other people "tend" to do it. You have choices, your husband has choices. Saying "oh, it's all out of my control, it will just happen and there's nothing i can do about it" is disingenuous and misleading.

At best, your husband is being very naive; at worst, very dishonest. Either way, he's showing a complete lack of respect for you and your wishes.

badbaldingballerina123 · 14/09/2014 16:15

Op I would dump the group. Don't go down the road of spending time with flirty friend just to try and hold onto your place in the group and not make waves. If the worse happens there will be no support for you from these people. There really is no reason to spend time with flirty friend.

TinyDancingHoofer · 14/09/2014 16:18

I think you are being a bit over sensitive. If they were going to get together then it would have happened years ago. They probably play fight etc as brother and sister. I think you should tell him that things like that make you feel uncomfortable but not that your dp can't be her friend. He probably want to show off baby to his friends.

If any partner of mine tried to dictate my friendships with men or women they would be out the door.

badbaldingballerina123 · 14/09/2014 16:36

In my book the play fighting , and disgusting brother sister comparison is code for we are fucking each other. Who on earth plays brother and sister anyway ? How fucking weird.