Husband's female friend

[mermaid101]

My husband and I have been together for about ten years, married for three and have two DC, one who is six weeks old.

When I met him, he was part of a big social group. This group has naturally drifted a bit as people settled down, but he still sees a lot of his friends.

When we met,and for many years after I had a very big issue with him and one of his female friends who is part of this group. I feel they behaved almost as if they were together. There are numerous examples I could list, but I want to try to keep this as brief as possible, but happy to elaborate if anyone wants. This has caused massive arguments between us over the years and has badly dented my confidence. Gradually, he and she drifted apart. My DH says he let the friendship go as it made me uncomfortable.

This person had a baby at the same time as me and my DH has said he wants us all to meet up to avoid any future awkwardness as he says that now we have children of the same age we will be seeing more of each other as people in his social circle tend to gravitate towards each other more when they have children of the same age.

I'm really upset by this. I feel undermined and humiliated by the way they used to behave together. I am also worried that they slip back into their old "relationship". He is mostly a SAHD and I will return to work full time afte my maternity leave. Whereas I don't think they are going to have an affair or anything, you never know do you? And I just can't bear the thought of them being the way they were in the past: having special nick names for each other, her phoning him for reassurance when she was upset about things, hugging play fighting etc.

I'm very sleep deprived just now and feel a bit fragile and over emotional but I feel very uneasy about this situation. I'm also very upset that this person may start to be around me more. I have made friends with some of the other mothers in the group and enjoy their company. What should I do? I ended up having a massive argument with my DH last night and it felt like we were fighting about stuff we used to years ago. I'm so tired just now I can't think straight. Could anyone give me some guidance ?

I'd just say no. Tell him to leave her alone and that's it. It sounds like a recipe for disaster to me.

If this makes you feel any better OP, one of my oldest friend's husband works part time and looks after the children while she works full time. I've recently moved, but until then she lived very near me in London for about 4 years.

When she first moved to my neighbourhood, her husband & I would take the children out together while she was at work, & it very quickly became clear that this was not in the slightest bit ok. In this case, there was no attraction, no nick names, nothing, on either side. But it clearly made her stressed, so we stopped. I don't know what she feared, I highly doubt that she thought we'd have an affair, I think in her case she was just jealous of the time I spent with him. She's my friend, I want her to be happy, so that was that.

Oh jackie this has been me so many times! And I really regret it now.

There was one incidence many years ago when DH and I had a small party with only a few invited guests. About 2am (this was in our younger, child free days!) she phoned him because she had been out and was upset about something and didn't want to go home. He invited her to the party. When she arrived she and my DH went off to the kitchen alone where she recounted her woes and he hugged her and listened much more solicitously than he would have listened to me. I was furious and said loudly to the other guests that u was fed up with this behaviour and she shouldn't be phoning my DH in the early hours of the morning, she should phone her sisters or girlfriends and he shouldn't be shut away in the kitchen with her etc.

But she overheard me and was going to go home. How I wish I had said " good, go home and don't come back here" but I was overcome by social convention and ended up backing down and trying to smooth things over. I'm a bit of a people pleaser. I wish I could turn the clock back!

Twinkle,

Did your friend tell you she didn't like it, or did you notice yourself?

I would be very wary of going back to work full time to support someone who's going to spend his time with another woman.

I think you have very valid reasons to be concerned. Even if they are not planning anything, spending time with someone makes people closer and things happen.
Can he get a job?

He works 2 days a week. Childcare is quite expensive for us and we prefer the DC not to be in nursey too much.

This set up seemed like such a great idea when we first thought of it ...

Going against the flow here but I think you sound very controlling. You can't dictate who your husband talks to or sees any more than he can dictate to you. They are (or were) friends until you threw a hissy fit. Your lack of trust in your DH is very sad. You showed him up in front of his friends when she was in need of help and support.

I have a really close male friend and my DH wouldn't dream of dictating whether or not I could see him. We've been friends since we were children and he's the brother I never had. His first wife didn't like our friendship and sulked and made his life a misery if we happened to even bump into each other. We have lots of mutual friends so that was inevitable.

He was an usher at my wedding to DH and has been a wonderful friend to both of us over the years. His first marriage broke up because of her controlling ways but his second wife is lovely and not in the least jealous because she knows he loves her.

You've got the majority vote here. Not one person has said put up with it. And you shouldn't have to. And he shouldn't want you to.

Maybe you and her DH should meet up for coffee and chats and see if either of them have a problem with it. After all, the guy is in the same boat as you and maybe you can bounce ideas of eachother ;)

It's interesting to hear other opinions Sunna. I hope I'm not like that, but maybe I am.

I think the difference in our situations is that the friend had been a great friend to you both. This person has not been a friend to me.

My DH has other female friends. I'm fine with them. Ill definitely think about what you say though.

Oops I spoke too soon....

I think Sunna is completely wrong. It's not about you being controlling. After you, this is the only person who he treats different or special. From what I can gather he has other male AND female friends who you have no qualms with.

Sunna is speaking as the other woman (And I don't mean that in the affair sense! lol) , and obviously won't see your issue. Maybe she wouldn't mind her husband doing the same, maybe she would.

I really don't see how you are doing anything controlling or wrong.

In fact....

last year I had this issue but not as deep (but me being the culprit)
90% of my friends are male, always have been and my partner of almost 5 years has never bothered about it (in fact we met through a mutual male friend) But one particular male friend was a bit of the clingy type. Texted, and rang a lot. I never saw it as an issue because my OH was always around when I was getting the messages and calls (IF I was doing something wrong I wouldn't hide it right??)

Anyway my OH took me to the side and just said he thought my friendship was a bit "intense" too much communication and fussing...etc and that it made him feel uneasy and worried. Straight away I was gutted for him and knew exactly how he felt. He didn't ask me to end the friendship, just made it clear how unhappy it made him. So I don't get involved with that person anymore unless it's in a group...etc and not much fuss was made about it either way. I'm happy, OH happy, no fuss no mess :)

correction - I would hide it*

Hi OP You said:

She has had an affair with someone else in the group about five years ago.

It's reasonable of you not to trust her, she has form and she flirts with him. It makes you uncomfortable. Would you feel OK with your husband being a part time SAHD and meeting up with women you liked and trusted and their kids? My wife is OK with me doing this. I check every now and again with her.

Oh you just said that: My DH has other female friends. I'm fine with them. Ill definitely think about what you say though. Sorry.

A bit of both.

When they first moved near me, she would try and keep us apart - invite me round when he was out playing football, come round to see me with the children but without him - I thought I was imagining it at first, & actually my first thought was that he didn't like me, which didn't bother me. I once made a joke to him in passing of 'separate lives', as he was being ushered out of the house as I arrived, & she looked really pained. It was at that point I twigged, but even then it seemed very unlikely.

Then a few times I bumped into her husband around & about & we started doing children's things together. I realised from her tone of voice, facial expressions and the things she said that she was really not ok with it at all, although she said nothing directly. I tried to drop hints that I had no interest in her husband, there was no attraction on either side etc. Then she got pissed at a party & we shared a cab home (husband at home looking after the children) & it all came out. Massively awkward conversation & we never referred to it afterwards, I'm not sure how much of it she remembers. But after that I've never seen him alone again.

That's fair, mermaid. He wasn't a friend of DH's until he and I got together but became one fairly quickly. Maybe she should have been more welcoming to you.

I cannot imagine having feelings other than deep friendship for my friend, anything else would be weird. Maybe your DH feels the same way and is upset at not being trusted.

I honestly think that if you "forbid" him to see her he will not be happy. Not at not seeing her but at you laying down the law.

I don't think you sound controlling btw. I have good male friends and my husband has good female friends, and there's no issue there at all. My husband has a female friend who was in love with him for a long time, but I have no issue their seeing each other as I know he doesn't feel the same about her (if anything he finds her slightly annoying and I feel a bit sorry for her).

But Sunna, if he does see her then she will not be happy. Why does his happiness trump hers?

Who cares if he "isn't happy" at OP stating what her boundaries wrt to his behaviour around this particular woman

He has a choice. See this woman, knowing it has caused terrible strain on his marriage in the past. Or not. It's a bit of a no-brainer really, if OP is not generally a controlling nightmare (and it doesn't sound for one minute like she is)

I wouldn't give one shit if he was "happy" about it or not

Maybe you can meet up the woman, but only in a group situation. It's natural, i suppose for dh to wish his old friend well, and to see the baby. But maybe do this in a neutral situation - cafe etc away from the family house. Make it clear to your dh that you and your family are first priority and you don't really appreciate another woman on the scene, however innocent.

Sunna, you sound like you are telling OP that if she asserts herself, she has only herself to blame if he reacts negatively. Are you an advocate of women putting up and shutting up about issues that affect them greatly ?

And why do her irrational fears trump his? twinkle. It's not so much the woman that I see as a problem as mermaid telling her DH what to do and who to see. That's not how adults behave and he won't like it - who would?

can you say that whilst you appreciate that nothing actually sexual may have happened, that isnt the point. The whole relationship was OTT, and really really not OK, and youre not OK with them starting it up again, and if it does, then its over, and that you hope youre making yourself clear, but that platonic friendships are one thing, but playfighting, nicknames, and big long sympathy sessions and heart to hearts, are another. Then tell him that you cant BELIEVE hes even suggested it after the way him and her carried on last time, and that youre not prepared to be anyones fucking doormat

Sunna, you are right: it would be a lot easier if she was more friendly/open with me. We do exchange pleasantries when we see each other, but there is an atmosphere.

If it came to my attention that someone thought I was behaving inappropriately with their DH I would be upset and maybe a bit embarrassed and make sure the behaviour they highlighted was addressed (as twinkle did). I wouldn't carry on and then be hostile with the woman in question. Which is what happened to me.

To be absolutely fair, since we have both been married and the friendship with my DH had drifted, things have been much more cordial when we see each other. Which is not very often.

I'm a man with many female friends. My best friend is female. Been that way since I was small and never saw it as odd. There were 21 of us in my class at infants and primary, only 5 of whom were boys and 3 of those lived in other villages. It was therefore natural that I had mostly friends who were girls.

My last partner knew this. The first people I introduced her to were three of my female friends, all of whom were partnered then. We socialised together but also separately. But she took against my best friend who is like my sister (I have no siblings). There had never been anything between us in all the years we had known each other. Never would be.

When another of my friends was dumped by her boyfriend, I had her round for lunch to see how she was doing. Cue partner making snide comments. "I don't know why the two of you don't get together, you get on so well". Then she took even more against my best friend. I saw less of my best friend and only saw her in a group setting. Made no odds.

My partner is now my ex-partner. I had given her no reason not to trust me and I didn't see why she had the right to control who I was allowed to spend time with or not. We always say we shouldn't change who we are. My friends mean the world to me, have been around for years and years and I will not dump them for a partner whose been around for five minutes. Love me, love my friends, especially if I and they have given you know cause not to.

While I DO understand the OP's feelings, I do generally agree with Sunna. I don't think people have the right to control another person. You can say if something unnerves you. If there is justification, that's fine. If he has given you no cause, I don't think it is right to stop him. If he's going to have an affair, it will happen regardless.