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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's female friend

177 replies

mermaid101 · 10/09/2014 13:51

My husband and I have been together for about ten years, married for three and have two DC, one who is six weeks old.

When I met him, he was part of a big social group. This group has naturally drifted a bit as people settled down, but he still sees a lot of his friends.

When we met,and for many years after I had a very big issue with him and one of his female friends who is part of this group. I feel they behaved almost as if they were together. There are numerous examples I could list, but I want to try to keep this as brief as possible, but happy to elaborate if anyone wants. This has caused massive arguments between us over the years and has badly dented my confidence. Gradually, he and she drifted apart. My DH says he let the friendship go as it made me uncomfortable.

This person had a baby at the same time as me and my DH has said he wants us all to meet up to avoid any future awkwardness as he says that now we have children of the same age we will be seeing more of each other as people in his social circle tend to gravitate towards each other more when they have children of the same age.

I'm really upset by this. I feel undermined and humiliated by the way they used to behave together. I am also worried that they slip back into their old "relationship". He is mostly a SAHD and I will return to work full time afte my maternity leave. Whereas I don't think they are going to have an affair or anything, you never know do you? And I just can't bear the thought of them being the way they were in the past: having special nick names for each other, her phoning him for reassurance when she was upset about things, hugging play fighting etc.

I'm very sleep deprived just now and feel a bit fragile and over emotional but I feel very uneasy about this situation. I'm also very upset that this person may start to be around me more. I have made friends with some of the other mothers in the group and enjoy their company. What should I do? I ended up having a massive argument with my DH last night and it felt like we were fighting about stuff we used to years ago. I'm so tired just now I can't think straight. Could anyone give me some guidance ?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/09/2014 15:43

Sunna, her fears are not irrational

Her husband's relationship with this woman has put a huge strain on their marriage in the past

And now he is talking about rekindling it. Why ?

Branleuse · 10/09/2014 15:44

be straight, be blunt, and be strong.

You really dont have to put up with that sort of thing.

It reminds me of the marcel wallace wife and the footrub conversation from pulp fiction

Sunna · 10/09/2014 15:44

Cross posting. AnyFucker, I'm an advocate of women being strong and confident in themselves. And an advocate of trust in marriage.

Telling your husband who he can and can't see isn't being assertive, it's being controlling. Telling him you feel uncomfortable about the relationship is being assertive.

madamweasel · 10/09/2014 15:45

I think you're perfectly justified to say to DH, I love you and trust you but I don't trust her and feel uncomfortable with her in our lives. Sometimes men get hung up on what's rational but feelings and emotions are often not and I have to say to my DH, I know it's not logical but that's how I FEEL, it's my opinion. If he really digs his heels in and can't respect your feelings or doesn't want to compromise to make you feel better then that's the issue. He's your DH and needs to care for your emotions as well as live the life he wants to lead. Yes, having your own friends and doing things apart is good in a relationship, but not this particular friend if it's going to upset you this much.

AnyFucker · 10/09/2014 15:46

Yes, she did that. Now he's yakking on about rekindling it all again. And you are warning her that he "may not like it" if she asserts herself. Taht is a crap message, and nothing about being "strong", but all about STFU for the sake of keeping a bloke happy.

Branleuse · 10/09/2014 15:46

its actually ok not to trust your husband when they act like that with other women. Dont put the blame on her entirely

AlpacaMyBags · 10/09/2014 15:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Madamecastafiore · 10/09/2014 15:54

Your feelings are completely justified regardless of just having the baby. He is a bit of a fecker to be honest to spring this on you now and needs to understand your vulnerability.

Tell DH that you do not want to be friends with her, you do not want your children to be friends and as his wife he needs to put your feelings first and so you will not be socialising with them.

There are so many women who think because they are friends with your OH before you knew them that they somehow have an upper hand or can say or do things that are inappropriate. DHs best friends wife has said things like 'you are so lucky that he even considered dating a single mother', 'my mum always said I should have married MrCastafiore in stead of (insert her husbands name) and we have constant photos and reminiscing about the times and the friends they knew before I came along.

Twinklestein · 10/09/2014 15:55

And why do her irrational fears trump his? twinkle.

I don't think they are irrational... I can see how they have come about. Perhaps if he'd observed better boundaries around this woman in the past it wouldn't have come to this. And anyway, humans aren't rational beings. One could argue that it's not rational for OP's husband to want to see this woman given the problems it's caused in the past.

My friend's feelings about her husband and me are totally irrational (situation described above) I can tell you that. Their being irrational does not make them illegitimate. For whatever reason I bring out certain insecurities in her that other female friends do not. Just because I don't completely understand her feelings doesn't mean I don't respect them.

Sunna · 10/09/2014 15:56

I'm not trying to put any blame on mermaid. I'm sorry if it sounds like that. I'm not explaining myself very well, obviously. It isn't a big issue to her DH because it's a friendship, nothing more. It would be an issue if she started to tell him how to behave. No one likes that.

Alpaca, DH wouldn't say that. We've been married for 40 years and we trust each other. If my friend called me at midnight I'd be there and DH would drive me.

Original poster
mermaid101 · 10/09/2014 15:59

Sunna, thanks for you opposing view. Just to be clear, I have not told my DH that he cannot see this person. In fact, my earlier posts are asking advice about how/when to meet this person. I have also mentioned that we see her in social situations. He is not forbidden from seeing her. There are certain behaviours I was/am uncomfortable with though.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 10/09/2014 15:59

But Sunna, if your husband had a flirtatious relationship with some bird: nicknames, flirting, hugging, play fights, you might not know exactly what was going on between them & you might not like it. You only think it's ok because you're not the one in the hotseat, and you know you have no feelings for your mate.

Twinklestein · 10/09/2014 16:01

The OP's only been married for 10 years though.

My parents have been married for 40 and I don't think either of them give a bugger about flirty friendships by now.

Sunna · 10/09/2014 16:07

Maybe so, Twinkle. Dh does behave like that with some female friends but always when I'm around, we're that sort of crowd. Harmless flirting and banter is part of knowing the same people for nearly all of your lives. We've all been married to our partners forever. I'm older than most on this thread so perhaps my perspective is warped by my age.

mermaid, I'm trying to say please don't make her more important than she is in your husband's eyes. Remember he loves you and don't be cowed when she's around. Be confident in his love for you.

irulethisworld · 10/09/2014 16:08

Agree with sunna and notnew.
If OP was saying DH wasn't happy with her seeing a male friend you'd all be outraged: how dare he control you? etc.

AnyFucker · 10/09/2014 16:11

No. If OP was using silly nicknames, playfighting, behaving obviously differently with that one individual and using dodgy "banter" (God, how I hate that term...) with a bloke I would tell her to grow the fuck up and put her husband first.

This is teenage stuff.

Sunna · 10/09/2014 16:15

By banter I mean taking the piss out of each other, AF, nothing dodgy in that among good friends. Jealousy is teenage stuff.

TimBurgessILoveYourSmile · 10/09/2014 16:16

I am friends with my friends husband, but I am friends with them Both, consider them a unit and we wouldn't dream of the hugging, names etc.
That to me sounds to be considered "flirting" rather than friendship, I agree with everyone else, tell him to take a running jump, who does he want to remain in a relationship with, you or her?.....

Madamecastafiore · 10/09/2014 16:17

How can one way that an emotion is 'teenage stuff'? It is a perfectly legitimate emotion that yup can feel at any age.

AnyFucker · 10/09/2014 16:21

OP is not "jealous". I don't consider OP's behaviour to be "teenage". Is someone misreading me ? I consider the banter, hugging, silly nicknames, and playfighting to be teenage bollocks. All designed to make OP feel like she does. Sidelined, unsettled and backfooted. Then strangers tell her not to piss off her husband in case he "doesn't like it"

Nice one, well done.

Madamecastafiore · 10/09/2014 16:22

Sorry AF I meant saying the emotion of jealousy was teenage stuff not what you said, unless you weren't meaning what I said.

DizzyMidget · 10/09/2014 16:23

Sunna - I would say her OH and friend are being the hedonistic teenagers. The OP is the one who is trying to keep her relationship with her partner settled and mature, and he is opening old wounds to get his way.

AnyFucker · 10/09/2014 16:25

I dunno now, Madame Smile

FragileBrittleStar · 10/09/2014 16:29

Its not necessarily "Her husband's relationship with this woman has put a huge strain on their marriage in the past"- it may be that it is her reaction to the relationship that has put the strain on it. Its hard to see how unreasonable his behaviour has been. It doesn't sounds like he ever agreed/accepted it was unreasonable.

That said I don't see why it has to be all or nothing, is he going to actively try and rekindle the friendship or just see what happens naturally? If it was the latter and more that he wasn't going to go out of his way to avoid situations where he sees her then I think that is reasonable- but you should talk about what makes you uncomfortable etc and have boundaries.

Sunna · 10/09/2014 16:31

I don't think the OH sees it that way, that's all I'm saying. I'm not saying OP shouldn't address it if it makes her feel uncomfortable, just not make it a huge issue. Not because he won't like it but because it could lead to a huge row again.

All designed to make OP feel like she does. Sidelined, unsettled and backfooted. Then strangers tell her not to piss off her husband in case he "doesn't like it"

But strangers are telling her that he shouldn't be doing what he's doing because OP "doesn't like it". I'm trying to strike a balance.

Off to work now. Good luck, OP.