Decision made

[adorably2014]

I posted here in June. I can't seem to be able to link to my old thread. After a summer of ups and downs I have decided I don't want to be married to my husband anymore. He has no idea and now the children are at school again I have more time to plan.

My fear is that because what is happening is always in private, how can I possibly document all this and be believed in the divorce courts? For example this summer he had bought me two really expensive pieces of jewellery which he presented to me in front of the children as a kind of I love you gift, only for 5 days later to do the stuff that has made me decide to leave. So he will easily seem like the wronged man with a gold digger wife. I am also concerned what to say to the children when a split is initiated. I don't want them to know exactly as it would be too awful for them but then again is it going to be possible to protect from everything? I also worry that if I talk about what has been going on then my H could potentially be in trouble which I don't want, selfishly I just don't want to have to live with it anymore.

For the moment I am focusing on my course and work experience where I asked if there was possible paid employment. My boss said they were very busy and would probably have two projects I could help with in October and be paid for. I hope it materialises. In the meantime I am putting as much money as possible into my own account. My H has not got access to it but knows the account details. Is it OK do you think or should I set sth he knows nothing about. For choosing a solicitor is it best to take a WA solicitor or one of my own? I reckon my H will get someone really good and expensive so I need to make sure I have someone very very good.

I tried to find a counsellor before the school holidays but it wasn't that easy. I also found that talking about all the stuff in a way made me freeze and reflect so much that I couldn't act if that makes sense. I think when things are over I will then hopefully find the space to talk ... So for now I am trying to get on with practical stuff like following advice on getting paperwork together before contacting solicitors. My H has loads of paperwork. I know because I sometimes do his filing. There are share certificates, pension stuff etc... Do I need to copy everything? If so,does it need to be recent or can I take copies now even if I don't start anything in 6 months' time.

Sorry I sound like such a cold calculating b here. I am mostly terrified of putting the children through such an upheaval but then I keep reminding myself our eldest saw something was wrong with me during the holiday and didn't really believe the explanation that 'mummy is tired'.

Anyway apart from my few questions not sure entirely why I am posting, for support I guess and to update on previous thread after this long gap.

^Last night he talked about it again. He has an answer to everything.
H awake at 4.30 with sex on the brain before going to work
He was just being selfish.^

These 3 things from your last post or two are starting to freak me out a bit. Something is afoot. I think he has a plan. He is extremely selfish if not bizarre to be getting sex from you at 4.30a.m. Though I don't really think it's possible you even want him ever again after the beach incident and phone vid stuff. Which if that's the case would make 4.30a.m. a different scenario.

Watch for your pills going missing. Hide an emergency pack. Really.

I think you might be underestimating him, adorably

Hairtodotoday wrote an excellent and wise post. Yes, talk about all this with WA. Did you see them last week or is it this? Saw it in one of your posts I think.

but surely I can't really call them just to tell them my H is now talking about another child, even if I don't want one? Should I?

Yes, you should.

There was a poster a couple of years ago with a somewhat similar problem. She ended up leaving after something like 5 threads. She may still be around.

Forcing a woman to have a child is akin to rape.
And it's another form of control.
Be extremely careful.

I bet the baby is his solution for you not working, again. And possibly not finishing your course.

tipsy thanks - I saw someone from the WA last week as I say in my post at 11.31 so they know about my situation and have given advice but I would feel a bit silly ringing again to report my husband is talking having another child. Not sure.
He was awake at 4.30 as he was leaving at 6.00. It is early but not unheard of for him when he is here. Yes he could have slipped out of bed but he chose to wake me up. It is selfish I know. I told him to leave me alone but gave in as I was half asleep and felt so tired after waking up to be with DC2. Not unheard of again for him to do this when he wakes up. And yes I still sleep with him. Sometimes I know it's coerced (I talked to the WA lady about it a bit) sometimes it's not. I don't feel good about it but that's how it is. Sorry I don't really understand your last paragraph. I am not sure how this can be linked with getting pregnant?

Lweji x post, sorry. Ok I will send them an email

tipsy sorry I meant I don't really understand the end of your 2nd paragraph. I obviously need another coffee.

I was gently trying to ask, in a non-intrusive way, if you 1) really wanted sex with him after he has degraded you like on the beach 2) if you really wanted sex at 4.30a.m. If you were persuaded/coerced then this would make it an assault. Significantly different than simple selfishness.

No need to answer such personal questions on here. Just think about them.

hello dear girl,

just a thought, if he asks you to stop taking the pill, then either have another packet as has already been suggested, or if that's too risky in case he finds it, then maybe have a contraceptive injection, they last about 8 weeks I think, and no one would know except you.

take care honey, we are all concerned for you

xxx

I second the suggestion of having a couple of spare packet of pills hidden 'just in case'. I've been in a coercive relationship and I know that, hard as it is, sometimes it's easier to just pretend to go along with things as you make your preparations to leave in order to allay suspicion. If he brings it up again, maybe try telling him that the two of you will talk about it after you complete your course. But I must admit, I don't think that will stop him continuing to badger you.

Again, I call your attention to the fact that his desire for a new baby is being brought to bear on you as you are taking a course that would make leaving financially easier for you. Once you finish, you would be much more 'marketable' as far as getting a job and thus being able to support yourself and your children. Maybe not in the style you are accustomed, but at least comfortably. If you are pregnant or have a small baby, your marketability factor goes right down the loo and he knows that. Unfair of course, but true.

Thank you. Yes I will be careful with the pills.
I was going to tell him the work placement people had invited me for drinks on Friday to celebrate a new contract but I don't think I will now. And I won't go either.

They've asked me to help on that project they won, in addition to my weekly placement, so I am going to get a bit of money for that. I opened an new online instant saver thing and will ask them to put my pay in there.

I would feel a bit silly ringing again to report my husband is talking having another child. Not sure.

The issue is you don't want one? You don't want this marriage? You feel controlled by the dynamics and would like to be out of there. Or do you?
What do you really really wish for your life?

Apologies ... I went a bit harsh in last post ... just worried that you're going to drown yourself in the situation

The issue is that I want out or be in a stronger position to tell my H so.
But I am not in a strong position at all. If I were to leave tomorrow, I know I would be back within days, at best weeks. Until I have planned better, it would make things worse I think. I am planning now but it doesn't stop his demands of course.
I wasn't sure whether to ring WA again for something like this bearing in mind I had already seen them the week before. He hasn't threatened me and I know their lines are always engaged with women in desperate circumstances. I was concerned it sounded a bit minor. But you reassured me it wasn't.
I waver between feeling very vulnerable to feeling "I can do this, I must do this" - and so I am probably quite frustrating to read, yes.

I know their lines are always engaged with women in desperate circumstances.

You may not be under life risk, but you do sound fairly desperate. :( You don't feel that you can leave, so that is pretty desperate in my book.
Insidious abuse can be worse than obvious abuse.

I completely understand wanting to leave in a strong financial position. As long as you & the children are not in any danger. But remember that a steep price is still being paid by you in his unreasonable sexual demands. If what you are waiting for is to be able to leave and maintain your current lifestyle, you may want to consider whether or not it's worth what you are dealing with now.

Sorry, I've received a lot of advice and support I am very very grateful for, but I feel a bit :( at the latest comments to be honest
Is it so bad I want to plan more and save money? Maybe stronger women would already have walked out, that I don't deny.

And no I am certainly not looking at maintaining my lifestyle, I have no particular desire to either. But I want to make sure I don't leave only to be back a few days/weeks later, my H would just think I don't mean it and then it would be ten times more difficult to leave again. In fact I would probably be totally desperate if that happened. To try and avoid that I need to be more clued up and have a bit more money. This is my situation.

I know all too well that insidious can be worse than obvious. All I meant is if someone is ringing to get in a refuge because they have been beaten black and blue I would prefer her call is taken before mine if I am ringing to report sth that my H can't act on immediately. As I said it was very useful to run it past you though. Thanks for pointing that out.

I didn't mean to criticize, I guess I just didn't word it right. I would probably do the same as you, try to save and plan so that my exit was as painless for me and my children as possible. I'd want to know I had my own income to rent a home and pay my own bills as much as possible during the time it takes to settle and divorce. But I think I'd also want to be aware of the fact that I may be paying an emotional price in staying until I could get out the way I want to. Not that that means I couldn't put up with it, just trying to keep an understanding that, when the time comes I can get out, I may have to deal with some issues of my own.

Definitely not meaning to make you feel bad. On the contrary, that you are well worth of WA's support.
Take the time you need to feel stronger and to have a plan in place if you need to.
But keep talking to WA and definitely have a defined goal. Otherwise, it will only be too easy to keep staying.

Hey Adorably,

I can't advise you when to leave your current situation, any big decision is yours to make.

But I will say that Women's Aid (or equivalent) don't ask women to compete against each other for their assistance, and they don't expect us to either. So please don't ask rank yourself less deserving of 'need'. Any woman in need, as you are, is deserving of assistance.

Talk to them about your current feelings, and the current risks you are facing. I understand that you want a 'financial cushion' to get you through leaving - but it may not be as necessary as you think.

Take care.

Sorry ladies - I didn't mean to have a moan, was feeling quite fragile yesterday, juggling a few too many things this week. Shouldn't really have posted that. I'm very grateful for the support

It's fine to moan/rant etc here, it's your thread to use how you want, and people are here to offer support. You've nothing to apologise for, and I hope today's a better day for you x

I think what you're feeling is completely natural. It's hard to leave any relationship when parts of it are good, you have children and you are financially dependant. You do need a plan because when it happens he will fight hard.

I also think you should go to your drinks thing, you need to have a life outside of him, to have friends and enjoy yourself!

Thanks for putting up with me last week. I definitely couldn't survive if my H was always working at home and I am sure I would be having some kind of breakdown if he did.

He was moody and grumpy with me for some of the weekend. It had got to a bad start for him obviously as I really wanted to go the drinks thing - work experience people go every week anyway, and had asked me every single week but I had never been - this time it was to celebrate this new project and I felt I should really show my face, if only for 1 hour. This is what I said to my H who reluctantly (I could tell) said he would look after the children on his own until the grand hour of 8 o'clock. Well I was certainly reminded of that, all of Friday night. After the DCs went to bed he complained this was taking over everything, that my priority should be the children, did I need to go, who was there, he hopes it won't become a regular thing and if if has to be he needs more warning. All done so that I ended up apologising.

Once I'd apologised he was all "nice" again only to start wanting to get me into bed again. I was really tired as I'd been up every single night with DC2's dragon nightmare (thank goodness it seemed to have settled this weekend) and with H then wanting sex every morning at 6.00 (except once at 4.30). That plus the coursework etc, I just wanted a bit of a read and some sleep. H then starting telling me I needed to relax more and stop stressing. He seems to think my course is causing this. I asked him if he honestly thought that was the reason why I was tired? He then mumbled something about me accusing him of waking me up, and he wasn't doing it to be a pain but as he is away so much he likes to make the most of it when he isn't... I didn't even reply anything to that. He was clearly pissed off with me but I did get my read and sleep.

Then on Saturday night he started talking about babies again. This time he put his cards on the table I suppose. Said I should stop the pill now "so we can start trying". I was expecting him to say that at some point, tbh. I told him I was amazed he was so suddenly changing his mind having always said he only wanted two. His arguments were that he didn't realise he would ever feel that way but that seeing his sister's new baby brought it home and he is sure our DCs would love a younger sibling. I told him I had no doubt the DCs would love a sibling but that it was news to me he loved newborns. He didn't really like that, but it's just so true, I couldn't help myself. I said I felt I was enjoying focusing on parenting older children at the moment and that I didn't really want a new baby and was not feeling broody at all. I really think he has made up this stuff about his sister's new baby. Only in August he was remarking how nice it was to be going on holiday without so much paraphernalia.

I went to see two solicitors, one yesterday and one this morning.

The one yesterday seemed very helpful. I burst into tears in her office but at least I managed to explain what I was there for and what the situation was (I had my notes). She seems to have a lot of experience. She said that I should talk to my GP as it would help to have a record of things and also when I decide to leave I should probably think about police involvement. She said to keep liaising with WA. She said I needed to have as many people involved as possible to ensure I didn't feel tempted to go back. Their fees are high but she said I may be entitled to legal aid if abuse is officialised. Is that why she said to go to my GP? I am not sure and I didn't ask. She did tell me what paper work I should try to collate.

The other wasn't quite so personable, and a lot more difficult to talk to. I have appointments at 2 more places next week.

Thanks for reading if you've got that far ... This is really long again.

She advised the GP because you need to get the abuse logged, and create a paper trail.

If I were you I would tell the GP that you're in an abusive relationship and ask for referral to some short term therapy (whether you need it or not), that way it doesn't look so much like you're telling the GP in order to qualify for legal aid.

I'm delighted to see that you're leaving this awful man OP. I can't believe his blatant attempts to get you pregnant, back under control and not studying.