Decision made

[adorably2014]

I posted here in June. I can't seem to be able to link to my old thread. After a summer of ups and downs I have decided I don't want to be married to my husband anymore. He has no idea and now the children are at school again I have more time to plan.

My fear is that because what is happening is always in private, how can I possibly document all this and be believed in the divorce courts? For example this summer he had bought me two really expensive pieces of jewellery which he presented to me in front of the children as a kind of I love you gift, only for 5 days later to do the stuff that has made me decide to leave. So he will easily seem like the wronged man with a gold digger wife. I am also concerned what to say to the children when a split is initiated. I don't want them to know exactly as it would be too awful for them but then again is it going to be possible to protect from everything? I also worry that if I talk about what has been going on then my H could potentially be in trouble which I don't want, selfishly I just don't want to have to live with it anymore.

For the moment I am focusing on my course and work experience where I asked if there was possible paid employment. My boss said they were very busy and would probably have two projects I could help with in October and be paid for. I hope it materialises. In the meantime I am putting as much money as possible into my own account. My H has not got access to it but knows the account details. Is it OK do you think or should I set sth he knows nothing about. For choosing a solicitor is it best to take a WA solicitor or one of my own? I reckon my H will get someone really good and expensive so I need to make sure I have someone very very good.

I tried to find a counsellor before the school holidays but it wasn't that easy. I also found that talking about all the stuff in a way made me freeze and reflect so much that I couldn't act if that makes sense. I think when things are over I will then hopefully find the space to talk ... So for now I am trying to get on with practical stuff like following advice on getting paperwork together before contacting solicitors. My H has loads of paperwork. I know because I sometimes do his filing. There are share certificates, pension stuff etc... Do I need to copy everything? If so,does it need to be recent or can I take copies now even if I don't start anything in 6 months' time.
Sorry I sound like such a cold calculating b here. I am mostly terrified of putting the children through such an upheaval but then I keep reminding myself our eldest saw something was wrong with me during the holiday and didn't really believe the explanation that 'mummy is tired'.

Anyway apart from my few questions not sure entirely why I am posting, for support I guess and to update on previous thread after this long gap.

[adorably2014]

Thank you v much acharmofgoldfinches I really appreciate this. I have had a quick look and the practice looks very relevant to my situation. I'll investigate further but it seems I can book a free session there too.

Dowser maybe I underestimate him but I don't feel unsafe as such at the moment. I have no idea whether he is a sociopath. He is very charming and polite, a high achiever generally. In some ways he has high standards for himself as well but he seems socially pretty well adjusted in the sense that he has genuine good friends and his family is pretty together. I tend to think it's the combination of our characters and my lack of life experience that has given him that opportunity. Yes he does like that I am easy on the eye and he loves that he got there before anyone else did. I am not sure why that is, maybe that makes him weird I don't know? The beach incident I wouldn't say was a fantasy but more like a punishment. It was because he wanted to have sex on the beach, and I said no, no way if you want we can return to the house but not here because xyz and went off for a swim. He then followed me in the water and said well why not and took the clothes off. It wasn't difficult as it was so skimpy. Then I tried to take them but he's stronger than me and then I thought I would attract attention even more if I started making too much noise so I didn't and started pleading. He just walked off. It felt more like a punishment really. But the result is pretty much the same.

[Dowser]

Hmmmmm. I hope you are right adorably.

You've got your head screwed on, so just keep safe and be ready to bale if he turns GP the heat.

;-)

[adorably2014]

Sorry but what do the last 3 words mean?

[NettleTea]

"Turns up the heat" I would guess

[AcrossthePond55]

Adorably, it's nothing to do with YOUR character, it's that he HAS no character! And being easy on the eye is never, NEVER justification for sexual assault or sexual 'punishment'. Please, lovely, don't for one second think that anything you are or anything you have done justifies for one second the things he has forced you to do. Sex is a wonderful, loving way to express your feelings to your partner. It should never be a punishment, a reward, or used to 'prove' anything. Your husband is a self centered sexual pervert. You are a lovely young woman with much to give the RIGHT man!

[Dowser]

Yes, that was right. Sorry I didn't check.

[acharmofgoldfinches]

Dear Adorably,

I know where your head is at the moment it's hard to understand, but the girls are right - it's absolutely nothing to do with who you are/what you are doing/not doing or what you look like, none of this is your fault, you haven't "caused" any of it.

That is the whole point of abusive relationships, the abuser makes you feel like they don't have a choice but to treat you the way they do, and you get locked into a spiral of thinking "I need to be more X so he doesn't (have to) do Y", you end up feeling more and more to blame - you actually BELIEVE that you are to blame - when all the time it is the shitty mind-games of the abuser just keeping you in your place. The mind-games eat away at your confidence until you don't even trust your own judgement.

I've been there (on a much less nasty scale) and it took every ounce of strength I had to realise what was going on and to walk away. Like you some of the time there was charm and presents and manipulation - and when that was happening it made me wonder if I was imagining the whole thing, and that's what keeps you there, that "maybe he is right, maybe it IS me". But it isn't.

I didn't realise how bad it was until I had walked away; as many of the girls have said, from a distance we can see how awful it is - I know it will look to you like some of us are over-reacting, you may even feel protective towards him thinking "no, he's not that bad, I've made him sound far worse than he is" but when you're in the middle of it it's very difficult to have any perspective.

That lack of perspective is also why it's useful to see a good solicitor; they will be able to reassure you on all the legal stuff, and most of the practical stuff they will deal with for you - ie we need copies of this, your rights are this, the procedure is this. Putting that side of things in their hands means (a) someone who knows exactly what to do legally is looking after you (b) your head and heart can concentrate on getting you and the kids out of there.

One thing to hold onto - when you find the strength to use it, actually YOU are the one with the power here, you are the one who will walk away and who will start a new life for herself and her kids. He is only temporarily in control, until the moment you gather the strength to leave. And whether you plan for that moment, or whether you suddenly seize it, I promise it will feel so good - it will be scary, yes, but you will be free!

xxx

[Lweji]

On good solicitors, BTW, is it true that if you talk to one first, even if you don't instruct them, that they can't take the opposite side?

[WellWhoKnew]

Yes. You can, should you chose, to go to all the best solicitors in the country (many of whom don't give a free half hour by the way) and that prevents the other side from using them.

It's an underhand tactic but it's there nonetheless.

But I always tell people go to as many as you feel you need to in order to find one that you feel comfortable with - because they are going to know absolutely everything about your life (sex, money, nature of your marriage) so you might as well have to deal with someone you feel comfortable confiding in, and can manage your 'case' in a compassionate way. The divorce process is brutal so you need someone who understands your individual situation.

[tipsytrifle]

oh adorably - the more I hear about this man who fancies himself to be your owner/master (as in s/m?) the more I feel ill on your behalf. Seriously, his actions make me feel sick.

I would love to hear that you have upped and left with the dc, to be truthful. Like NOW. I know you have things to plan and all that, I just wonder if it can be done from somewhere else that doesn't have him breathing on your space ...

[Dowser]

I feel adorably is like a bird in a gilded cage.

[adorably2014]

Apologies if I keep "dropping" the thread and coming back to it. I have read your posts and really appreciate them and your support and advice. It all sinks in, thank you.

I'm researching solicitors at the moment, checking the names given to me by the WA lady and looking for some others on the Resolution website. I'm trying to put together a list of questions. Next I'm going to work on what I need to tell them when I go. I'm meeting the friend from my country next week and I might try to broach things with her to see if she responds any differently than last time. I will try to get some free half hour sessions initially and see how I get on. I could pay for some advice this stage but maybe there are legal implications for me of doing that? After my disaster last time it is an idea to get another practice run or two for free anyway.

Things were ok this weekend. We visited my H's sister who has just had a new baby. It's her 3rd and she had the other 2 in very quick succession. We did lots of cooing and playing with 2 under threes during the day, which then prompted my H to say how great I was with them and how he would quite fancy another one before he is too old. He'd always said he only wanted 2, and so did I. I told him I loved toddlers but that it was nice to hand them back at the end of the day now we had done that twice already :) He didn't pursue it. I just hope it won't be a new bee in his bonnet.

[Scarletohello]

God please don't have another child with this man! That will just tie you to him even more. Are you on the pill?

[adorably2014]

And to respond to what you say

Acrossthepond I don't blame myself really, I was just trying to answer Dowser after skimming through the sociopath link she sent. Yes my H ticks some of the boxes. I don't think it's my fault at all but I think he picked me at the right time and went about it the right way too...

As others have pointed out the difficulty is that these episodes can appear as one offs over a period of months. For the rest of the time he is fine. The beginning of our holiday we had 10 days of lovely time as a family and as a couple, where I tried to be more assertive and where he didn't seem to have a problem with it. We can also have amazing sex where he seems completely engaged, giving and loving. I don't think he is putting on a show then. But the flip side are these mood changes. That morning on the beach he flipped over sth really minor. oK I had said no, but his reaction was like an angry tantrum. The evening after I don't know what went through his head, it was likely more calculated. Afterwards he acted as if nothing had happened.

And yes he loves my pretty little side and youth but a part of him sometimes seems quite jealous somehow. I can't quite explain it but I am naturally quite optimistic, cheerful and I like to think the best of people. Sometimes it's like it makes him feel insecure and grumpy and like he takes it out on me through sex.

I agree my head is being totally messed with because of this gap between the loving man and the nastiness he can show. The WA lady said it was typical of abusers, like you all said.

tipsytrifle I see what you mean. I can see my posts make me sound rather passive/submissive and as if all the relationship is about sex. I don't know about s/m, maybe he wants that, I have no idea. In any case he has never suggested enacting any violent scenarios, like whipping and hitting for eg. I am not averse to experimenting. We have done, but I wouldn't say they were things that were deeply s/m if that makes sense, and it was playful. After we had our first child he also went through a period of wanting me to watch porn with him and some had these sorts of scenarios. I hated it but he somehow imagined it would make me more interested. After much talking he eventually stopped asking me and stopped watching it at home. The stuff got thrown away after that and he said he had been a w for getting me to watch it. He has told me he still watches some occasionally when he is away.

What I can't live with is being humiliated and the fact that his sorries are in effect meaningless. That's why I want out.

Sorry for yet another essay...

[adorably2014]

Yes Scarletohello I most definitely don't want another one.

[tipsytrifle]

By s/m I simply meant the mindset rather than the full scenario stuff. It's likely I was oversimplifying the s/m relationship anyway and if I could edit I would remove that label from the post. He's just a nasty, vile man really.

It seems your passivity is largely defensive atm but really, don't be doing any experimenting with him ... I don't think my nerves could take it! I'm willing you out of there asap!

[adorably2014]

Thanks tipsytrifle. Experimenting was in early years largely, when I (foolishly) thought he must know best as more experienced. Glad to say two children on the scene has somewhat changed things a little.
I am worried though as he is back home tonight (he's working in the UK this week) and has mentioned almost straightaway whether I had hadn't felt broody today and given any more thought to having another baby :(

[adorably2014]

I meant 'whether I hadn't felt broody' - sorry for typo

[tipsytrifle]

uh oh .. warning sirens going off ... are you on the pill? If not then perhaps get that seen to, or some other invisible contraception that you can keep quiet about ... really ...

Pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen (and whatever else in the bedroom) is still quite a popular thing with men of a certain type, even in this day and age ...

Please be very careful, adorably

[AcrossthePond55]

I agree with tipsy. Although you are being very careful, he may sense the mental 'pulling away' you are going through as well as the being more vocal about what you want and the way he treats you. Another baby would be the first thing he would think of that would tie you down to him and also to 'prove' to him how much you 'belong' to him.

If you are not on a very effective contraceptive, you should be. If you are using anything he could 'sabotage' (condoms, diaphragm) he will sabotage you with no compunction!

[Lweji]

Reinforcing the advice to be careful about contraception.
And it shows a lot about him. Looking at further ways to exert control.

Having said that, even if you got pregnant, this should not prevent you from leaving.

[NameChange30]

I've just read this thread and the original one. So glad to hear you have decided to leave him. You are being brave and if you keep going things can only get better. Good luck!

[adorably2014]

Thank you for your concern.
Pill it is so should be ok - there is no sneaky way to tamper with that is there? I did get pregnant very quickly for my first. I stopped the pill at his suggestion because he said he was keen to not be an old dad. I blithely imagined it would take ages, and still remember the shock I got when the test came back positive, literally within weeks of stopping. I have definitely learnt my lesson.

Feeling quite :( about the whole thing though probably because haven't had enough sleep... Cuddling Dc2 who was up with a nightmare at 1.00, H awake at 4.30 with sex on the brain before going to work ...

Again I never saw that coming. Last night he talked about it again. He has an answer to everything.

[Hairtodaygonetomorrow]

adorably I also remember your thread, as it made my blood run cold. I think this man is very clever really, because to all intents and purposes he presents normally, as a family man, great earner and everything. However, behind the facade he is extremely controlling, but he does so infrequently, or over things that you might think are plausible (e.g. having another baby) which leads you to doubt yourself.

I am very worried about you though. He seems like someone who could be dangerous if you tried to leave him. I suggest you talk through with WA this.

I also think it is admirable you want to finish your course and make a smooth transition, however, I fear you may have to act. If he senses you pulling away, being more assertive, or even thinks you might leave, he may up his control considerably. He has shown you he has the brute force to dominate you- that's what the bikini incident is all about. That makes him a scary and dangerous person, even if it is only every few months.

Now he is pestering you for sex in the night (keeping you awake, less able to function the next day) under the pretext of children. This again is abuse, a normal person would be discussing and deciding, not doing this, most genuinely nice men would be aghast at this behaviour.

It is clear from your posts you are a very intelligent and resourceful person, and you will be successful in life whatever happens, if that means starting again with little you will do it. I'm not saying don't go down the route of getting the lawyers in and so on, but at the merest hint of aggression and trouble (and his abuse is physical as well as other things) then out you get to safety and work out what to do from there. WA will be able to help you, do get advice from then.

[adorably2014]

Hairtododay thanks - I have spoken to WA and I am on their records, but surely I can't really call them just to tell them my H is now talking about another child, even if I don't want one? Should I?
And sorry I didn't make it clear but my H knows I am taking the pill - it isn't a secret. He hasn't actually asked me to stop it yet. He wasn't trying to get me pregnant by waking me up early this morning for sex. He was just being selfish.