Have discovered that the man I've been dating is actually married! Any advice?

[Greene1]

I haven't posted here before and wondered if I could ask some advice. I'm sorry but this is long.

I am completely devastated as on Friday the man I have been dating for 9 months confessed that he is already married and has children. I don't think he was actually going to tell me but a chance encountered forced him to.

Some background. We dated back in my mid twenties, very happy, passionate fun relationship and we were together for nearly 2 years. Kept our own flats but he was reluctant to commit as he felt he was too young. We split amicably but I was very hurt and took me ages to forget him and he told me later that he was moving abroad. I moved on too dated and then was in a long term relationship which finished at the beginning of last year.

On Christmas Eve 2013 I received a message out of the blue from married man. Very friendly wishing me a happy Christmas and asking what I had been up to. He told me he was living back in the UK working in town and was single after a relationship he was in had finished. Said he wished he was spending Christmas with me and that he had always viewed me as 'the one that got away'. I'll admit I was hugely flattered.

I was abroad for New Year and when I got back we arranged to meet for a coffee and a catch up. I'll admit I was wary as obviously I wasn't 100% sure of his status and obviously I am fully aware that some married men are looking for affairs!

When we met up the attraction was still there in spades I naively thought that the time would have muted the feeling but I was still hugely attracted to him and him to me. We had a kiss then and he asked me to dinner later in the week. There was at no time any indication that he was married and he wasn't wearing a ring. I was excited and exhilarated to have him back in my life and we started a very intense and passionate relationship seeing each other after work and he coming over to my flat at weekends. Maybe that's when the alarm bells should have rung as sometimes he would come over only on Sunday afternoon or would make an excuse that he had an early flight and had to leave that night not staying over. However I was happy to have him in my life and realised that he's a very busy guy, as am I!

We had a great summer I had already booked a girlie holiday late last year with friends so we didn't go on a 'big holiday' together but we spent some lovely nights away at hotels.

On Friday we had supper after work outside of a lovely restaurant and we were discussing going away for the weekend in October to Barcelona. He was telling me about a fabulous hotel he had stayed at with work and i felt excited and happy. I invited him to my parents for Christmas in the country which feels so ridiculous now I want to cry. As we were walking back to the train station holding hands we bumped into 2 ladies who I assumed were work colleagues. He introduced me to them as a his 'friend' and they seemed strangely off with me as we walked away he got very agitated saying that he wasn't expecting to see them and that it made things 'complicated'. He then looked really stressed and worried saying that he had to go and he would call me soon. He left me standing in the street completely perplexed and horrified that something was seriously wrong.

He telephoned me on Saturday night to say that he was married with 2 young children. He said that his marriage was over and he and his wife hadn't had sex for more than a year. He said that he had been patient and understanding with her but she refused to talk about it and see a sex therapist and had expected him to become celibate just because she had. He also said he had tried to organise weekends away child-free and helped out with housework but nothing seemed good enough or made her happy. He said she was exhausting to live with and seeing me again made him realise that their marriage was a mistake. I told him not to ring me again to sort out his marriage and not to prop his life up by using me.

He text me several times which I have deleted and have now blocked his mobile number. I have been a complete mess since he confessed and now don't know whether to tell his wife what has been going on or whether I should walk away and not get involved. I'm also wondering whether I should leave the door open if he separates soon.

Dump him. He's a prize bastard who is spinning you a line.

You deserve better than that.

You've already blocked his mobile number. There is absolutely nothing to be gained from telling his wife. His marriage is none of your business. There will be legions of people telling you that his wife has a right to know. I disagree.

Every married man who has an affair is never having sex with his wife. Liars every single one of them

Can only agree with the other respondent. He needs to stay dumped and you were used by him purely to prop his own ego up.

Of course he's still having sex with his wife, you obviously can't believe anything this arse tells you now. So sorry this has happened to you :(

He's lied to you for 9 months. Why would you want to leave a door open ? I wouldn't contact his family.

My instincts tell me not to get involved. It's his issue to deal with not mine.

If he was unhappy he should have finished the marriage first before getting in contact with me.

I mean what sort of man is thinking about an ex girlfriend on Christmas Eve he was clearly disconnected from his family already.

Stop dating him. Delete his number, block his emails, block him on Facebook. Walk away- he is a cheating bastard

Changelingtoday - I understand what you're saying but I'm not sure they were still having sex he said he slept in a guest bedroom and the children were in the master bedroom with his wife.

Run
Run
Run

Start dating someone else.

Definitely do not consider getting with him if they split up - or one day you will be the wife in this scenario. Disabuse yourself of the notion that 'you' or 'your relationship with him' is 'different/special/lasted through the years' or any other tosh - it isn't. He's using you because he can, not because he couldn't live without you.

I think you should tell his wife - she deserves to know what kind of a bastard she is wasting her life on. Make sure you tell her that he told you he was single, that he denied his wife and children. Tell her that he only confessed because of bumping into someone who might would tell her. Tell her as much as you can because she needs to know it all so she can decide what she wants to do about it, not what she wants to do about his 'spin' on it.

Unless you've seen their sleeping arrangements for yourself, then I would assume that was a lie too.

His story may well (or may not) be true, that does happen in marriages, but he hasn't left and he has no intention of doing so.

You've done absolutely the right thing. No point at all in telling is wife, he's a good liar, she's not going to believe you over him, whatever story he comes up with for her.

Even if they do separate, which they won't unless she forces the issue after finding out (being told?) about his cheating, you don't want to be involved with a cheater. No-one ever believes it, but it will be you next time.

Keep well away and concentrate on healing yourself.

You've done the right thing. Dump and block. The lines he came out with are so fucking cliched it's almost painful.

He was looking for an affair.

They all say that re sleeping arrangements or variations of (its a script) and I would not believe a word of it. He is lying to himself as well as to you and his wife. He is a consummate liar who is still only thinking of his own stupid self even now. He has shown you no real remorse.

Not having sex with his wife isn't necessarily a lie. I haven't for nearly 3 years. But that's not really the point. He's still lying and cheating whatever the excuse.

Thank you for the advice. I haven't told any friends yet I'm completely embarrassed and ashamed. He does have my direct line at work which I can't block but so far I haven't heard from him.

I made it clear on Saturday night that he should should either make his marriage work (Which he says is impossible as his wife is unwilling) or separate and start fresh. Or maybe be stay single.

It doesn't matter they whys, what's and where's of their marriage.. It doesn't matter if they have separate bedrooms.. It doesn't matter if she screams and throws things at him.

He lied to you from the start, waited till he got you hooked before coming clean and is insulting you by asking you basically to carry on shagging him.

It's over. .. There is no future with lies like this. Be strong and keep him dumped.

Great that you bumped into these women and that you don't have to waste another second of your life on this weasel (apologies to actual weasels).

Sorry this has happened to you.

Poor you OP - this man totally used you and took advantage of you being a nice and trusting person. What an utter shit he is.

You have done the right thing by blocking him and thank goodness you found out now before you wasted another 9 months of your life on this tosser.

Even if he does now divorce his wife, would you really wanted to be with someone who can lie to you about something so important to get what he wants from you? Someone who can deceive both you and his wife with such ease? You deserve much better than that.

Forget about him, heal your heart, do nice things for yourself, don't waste anymore time on this liar, cheater, deceiver.

You will move on from this quicker than you think.

Regardless of whether he is saying the truth now or not, and of whether he leaves his wife or not, he has lied to you for 9 months, and I would never be able to trust him again.

What you loved was a well constructed lie, not the real man.

In future, I'd insist on going to the bloke's place before moving forward.

he has lied to you for 9 months, and I would never be able to trust him again.

^^ This.

It's incredibly difficult as I had fallen back in love with him. I already feel so stupid and sick. Kept thinking about Christmas as he loved it at my parents are rather dumbly imagined this time it might be for keeps.

Friday had been one of those days when you can't wait to leave work, so excited to see him, butterflies etc. Now? It's just gone. The whole thing was a sordid lie.

"I told him not to ring me again to sort out his marriage and not to prop his life up by using me."

That's a perfect response.

"I'm also wondering whether I should leave the door open if he separates soon."

I'd say definitely don't. All the evidence is that right now this man cannot be trusted. If he does end his marriage (or is kicked out) then he needs to come to terms with that himself, and leaping from marriage to another woman without pause for thought and really learning from experience would make him a poor prospect. And it really isn't a good thing to hang around as a quasi-therapist, possibly for years, whilst he sorts himself out (if indeed he is up to the job of really learning from experience, which no-one can possibly know yet).

Telling his wife? That's a personal call. Some people feel strongly that she should know, so she can make decisions about her life based on what her marriage really is, rather than being left in ignorance of a major factor. If you hold this view, then maybe (though of course as you were seen together she might already know). If your motive is in any way vengeful, then best not.

If she contacts you, then telling her you did not know he was married and would never have proceeded had you known, is probably all that can usefully be said.

And I'm another one who wouldn't believe his account of the state of his marriage. Even if he was dissatisfied at Christmas, the way to deal with it is with his wife (whether that leads to mend or end) not by turning attention outside and thus taking the sure fire route to damage (by time out with mistress, which is harmful/neglectful in itself, let alone what happens on discovery).