Have discovered that the man I've been dating is actually married! Any advice?

[Greene1]

I haven't posted here before and wondered if I could ask some advice. I'm sorry but this is long.

I am completely devastated as on Friday the man I have been dating for 9 months confessed that he is already married and has children. I don't think he was actually going to tell me but a chance encountered forced him to.

Some background. We dated back in my mid twenties, very happy, passionate fun relationship and we were together for nearly 2 years. Kept our own flats but he was reluctant to commit as he felt he was too young. We split amicably but I was very hurt and took me ages to forget him and he told me later that he was moving abroad. I moved on too dated and then was in a long term relationship which finished at the beginning of last year.

On Christmas Eve 2013 I received a message out of the blue from married man. Very friendly wishing me a happy Christmas and asking what I had been up to. He told me he was living back in the UK working in town and was single after a relationship he was in had finished. Said he wished he was spending Christmas with me and that he had always viewed me as 'the one that got away'. I'll admit I was hugely flattered.

I was abroad for New Year and when I got back we arranged to meet for a coffee and a catch up. I'll admit I was wary as obviously I wasn't 100% sure of his status and obviously I am fully aware that some married men are looking for affairs!

When we met up the attraction was still there in spades I naively thought that the time would have muted the feeling but I was still hugely attracted to him and him to me. We had a kiss then and he asked me to dinner later in the week. There was at no time any indication that he was married and he wasn't wearing a ring. I was excited and exhilarated to have him back in my life and we started a very intense and passionate relationship seeing each other after work and he coming over to my flat at weekends. Maybe that's when the alarm bells should have rung as sometimes he would come over only on Sunday afternoon or would make an excuse that he had an early flight and had to leave that night not staying over. However I was happy to have him in my life and realised that he's a very busy guy, as am I!

We had a great summer I had already booked a girlie holiday late last year with friends so we didn't go on a 'big holiday' together but we spent some lovely nights away at hotels.

On Friday we had supper after work outside of a lovely restaurant and we were discussing going away for the weekend in October to Barcelona. He was telling me about a fabulous hotel he had stayed at with work and i felt excited and happy. I invited him to my parents for Christmas in the country which feels so ridiculous now I want to cry. As we were walking back to the train station holding hands we bumped into 2 ladies who I assumed were work colleagues. He introduced me to them as a his 'friend' and they seemed strangely off with me as we walked away he got very agitated saying that he wasn't expecting to see them and that it made things 'complicated'. He then looked really stressed and worried saying that he had to go and he would call me soon. He left me standing in the street completely perplexed and horrified that something was seriously wrong.

He telephoned me on Saturday night to say that he was married with 2 young children. He said that his marriage was over and he and his wife hadn't had sex for more than a year. He said that he had been patient and understanding with her but she refused to talk about it and see a sex therapist and had expected him to become celibate just because she had. He also said he had tried to organise weekends away child-free and helped out with housework but nothing seemed good enough or made her happy. He said she was exhausting to live with and seeing me again made him realise that their marriage was a mistake. I told him not to ring me again to sort out his marriage and not to prop his life up by using me.

He text me several times which I have deleted and have now blocked his mobile number. I have been a complete mess since he confessed and now don't know whether to tell his wife what has been going on or whether I should walk away and not get involved. I'm also wondering whether I should leave the door open if he separates soon.

He said that he had tried to leave and end the marriage but she had threaten to harm herself and persuaded him to stay to keep their family together. He also admitted that they had a huge mortgage after his wife had insisted on buying a bigger house in a more expensive area to keep up with friends. He said financially he had tried to find a way out but couldn't. He also said that his wife was a terrible with money going shopping all of time buying lots of unnecessary things.

He said seeing me was the only thing that had kept him going mad and was a bit a joy aside from the nightmare of home.

I am going to meeting now but thank you for your responses however hard it has been to read them! :(

"He made it clear he didn't want children when he married"

What kind of person does this? Surely if he didn't want DC you would have that conversation early on in a relationship? Not "when you married" whatever that means.

OP - presumably he has had that conversation with you, both when you were first involved and then during round 2? He's made it completely clear to you that he doesn't ever want to have children?

Thank you for your feedback but I understand that she wasn't left to cope alone.

What, you mean on those long weekends in hotels and nights and Sunday afternoons when he was shagging you? Seriously you think he arranged help to come in while he was cheating? You are deluded.

He left her on her own with two small children while he had sex with another woman and that other woman was you. Except that because he was so deprived of sex and wife wouldn't put out he had to go elsewhere.

Why aren't you insulted by this? It is horrible. He is horrible. You deserve better.

he said, he said, he said, he said whatever it took to get what he wants.
and not just with you.

Yes. I knew that he never wanted children. This was the case when we were together.

I actually discovered in my late 20s that i can't have children although have never been fussed either way.

I'm sure everything he says about his wife is true, oh...except the bit about his marriage being over. It clearly isn't over at all.

Just because you've stopped having sex for a year, or forever, doesn't mean you are no longer married.

If he really thought his marriage was over it might have been a good idea to let his wife know first and to move out before he got himself a new GF.

How did you get nine months into this without ever wondering why you never went to his place?

I think this is a massive betrayal of TWO women, that takes cunning and a cool head and a high degree of planning, and no conscience whatsoever. Frankly anyone who can pull it off is probably a narcissist and a sociopath. Steer clear if you have any sense.

FFS, just how naive are you, OP??

OMG this man sounds like a real prize! It sounds like a game of adultery bingo.....No sex, wife horrid, never wanted my family, sleep in spare room, wife has a golden life thanks to me.... Please laugh in this idiot's face and tell him to do one.

I am on the fence with telling his wife. In her position, I would rather know, but I appreciate that not everyone would. He may turn nasty (as arseholes generally do) and that's a hassle you don't need.

There are some really lovely men out there OP. This is not one of them!

He also said that his wife was a terrible with money going shopping all of time buying lots of unnecessary things.

This is likely to be things like shoes for the children, food for the children and other family expenses.

Has anyone called house? I think we got there with the bit about wife threatening to harm herself if he left. Bet that's news to her! I bet he's never even mentioned leaving to her.

I honestly think this is a woman who has decided to continue shagging someone else's husband and is just waiting for one person to back her up.

Nobody is going to tell you that you're star crossed lovers or that his wife is an evil bitch that he needs rescuing from.

He's a scumbag that left his wife and kids to go fuck someone else.
That's all there is to it.

TBH, f you really want a relationship with a man who is happy to cheat on his wife, has lied to her, is happy to leave her alone with two children whilst he is screwing another woman and who has a problem with the truth then I think you are probably well suited to each other.

Sorry, just seen the excuse about his soulless flat. I'm sorry but after nine months I wouldn't have bought that for a second. I'd have insisted on at least seeing it, even if we never stayed there! I think you've been very naive.

Please re-read all of this - its hard but you need to stop defending him.

He is a liar and a cheat.
If he has lied to you for 9 months, how can you believe a single word from his mouth?

It will be painful but its better that you take the pain now (like ripping a plaster off). He is not who you thought he was - he may never have been.

He is a very skillful liar and extremely manipulative.

He knows what you want to hear, and has fed you the best lines he could think of. He almost certainly has done the same to his wife

Oh op

All that is so predictable. Aren't you noticing a theme yet? Isn't it interesting how every single thing that has gone wrong in this mans life is all his wife's fault?

Odd that isn't it. Is he really very cowardly and has no backbone whatsoever? Because that's the only way all this could be true isn't it.

So there is a woman, who he doesn't love. She tricked him into having two children. She financially abuses him and is so horrible to diddums. She makes him buy a big house and then won't have sex with him ever. I bet all those unnecessary things his wife spends money on are probably food. and toys for his unwanted children?

That woman doesn't exist. The evil wife is a character used by married men to justify what they are doing.

If it is true (it so isn't) then why did he panic and run off to try and cover himself? Why isn't he divorced? He isn't staying for the children, that's a load of crap and you know it.

So glad I never got took in by it. Unfortunately op as you are still quoting the lies he is spinning you as gospel I doubt you will have such a lucky escape.

So she was shopping for unnecessary things, but it was fine for him to use family money on weekends away and nights out with you. And she was unstable and threatening to harm herself but was fine to be left alone with his children for long periods whilst he conducted his affair. He has used every single cliche about his wife and frankly he has over egged the pudding. You should be insulted that he thinks you would be stupid enough to believe this crap.

And never mind his wife for a moment - what about what he has done to you? He is effectively living a complete double life. How long do you think he would have tried to keep this up for if he hadn't got caught out?

He's been a pathological liar, making a fool out of you (which didn't sound all that hard tbh.) Any crocodile tears now will just be to cover his own back. the minute he thinks he's smoothed over the ruffles and got you back under control he won't hesitate to lie again when it suits him.

So he's lied to you for 9 months and you still want him if he gets a divorce?

Really? Do you have no self respect? This bloke is an absolute cock. He didn't want you the first time and he'll fuck you over if you wait for him this time. Mark my words... You need to hang around the Relationships board for a while to fully understand. The optimistic ops usually get fucked over within a year or so.

The sad truth is his wife will have no idea. He will have kissed all of them, told them he loved and would miss them, before jetting off to have a dirty weekend with you.

There was no evil demonic wife sat burning his money while you were both screwing on holiday.

There was just a tired stressed normal woman, just like you op. Struggling to care for two young children on her own while her loving trust worthy husband was working hard over the weekend.

Op, I'm sorry that you've had to go through this. It must be really hard for you, but you are doing the right thing by severing all contact.

It doesn't really matter whether he's telling the truth about his domestic situation or not, imo.

If his wife is as manipulative and shallow as he is making out, he should have already left her. She's got an entirely different view of how she wants life to be to him and nothing will change that, especially having an affair. He was just living out a fantasy and not facing the reality of how bad things are with his wife.

If he is spinning you a line, he's a creep.

Either way, you're better off out of it. It's his problem and he needs to resolve it.

All the best op

If he hasn't had sex for more than a year and he was messaging you on Christmas Eve (so just three or four months without sex at that stage?) it's looking like were a rather opportunistic booty call, and he just got lucky that you were available and willing to stick around.

Run and close the door forever. No explanations,no communication and time will heal your pain.I promise you it will.
I wouldn't call his wife,I am sure she did/will find out and will be hurting like you....

First, she refuses sex, won't talk about it, and theres a sex therapist involved, and at the same time she stops taking contraceptive as they agreed not to have children.

If the first line is true then the children/contraceptive issue isn't a problem and if the second line is true, how can she get preggies if she refuses sex.

The mind marvels at his excuses and your naivety at buying this shit

It's easy for him just to put blame on wife,easy excuse...

Please dump him before its too late and you get hurt

His lines have more holes than a collander