Have discovered that the man I've been dating is actually married! Any advice?

[Greene1]

I haven't posted here before and wondered if I could ask some advice. I'm sorry but this is long.

I am completely devastated as on Friday the man I have been dating for 9 months confessed that he is already married and has children. I don't think he was actually going to tell me but a chance encountered forced him to.

Some background. We dated back in my mid twenties, very happy, passionate fun relationship and we were together for nearly 2 years. Kept our own flats but he was reluctant to commit as he felt he was too young. We split amicably but I was very hurt and took me ages to forget him and he told me later that he was moving abroad. I moved on too dated and then was in a long term relationship which finished at the beginning of last year.

On Christmas Eve 2013 I received a message out of the blue from married man. Very friendly wishing me a happy Christmas and asking what I had been up to. He told me he was living back in the UK working in town and was single after a relationship he was in had finished. Said he wished he was spending Christmas with me and that he had always viewed me as 'the one that got away'. I'll admit I was hugely flattered.

I was abroad for New Year and when I got back we arranged to meet for a coffee and a catch up. I'll admit I was wary as obviously I wasn't 100% sure of his status and obviously I am fully aware that some married men are looking for affairs!

When we met up the attraction was still there in spades I naively thought that the time would have muted the feeling but I was still hugely attracted to him and him to me. We had a kiss then and he asked me to dinner later in the week. There was at no time any indication that he was married and he wasn't wearing a ring. I was excited and exhilarated to have him back in my life and we started a very intense and passionate relationship seeing each other after work and he coming over to my flat at weekends. Maybe that's when the alarm bells should have rung as sometimes he would come over only on Sunday afternoon or would make an excuse that he had an early flight and had to leave that night not staying over. However I was happy to have him in my life and realised that he's a very busy guy, as am I!

We had a great summer I had already booked a girlie holiday late last year with friends so we didn't go on a 'big holiday' together but we spent some lovely nights away at hotels.

On Friday we had supper after work outside of a lovely restaurant and we were discussing going away for the weekend in October to Barcelona. He was telling me about a fabulous hotel he had stayed at with work and i felt excited and happy. I invited him to my parents for Christmas in the country which feels so ridiculous now I want to cry. As we were walking back to the train station holding hands we bumped into 2 ladies who I assumed were work colleagues. He introduced me to them as a his 'friend' and they seemed strangely off with me as we walked away he got very agitated saying that he wasn't expecting to see them and that it made things 'complicated'. He then looked really stressed and worried saying that he had to go and he would call me soon. He left me standing in the street completely perplexed and horrified that something was seriously wrong.

He telephoned me on Saturday night to say that he was married with 2 young children. He said that his marriage was over and he and his wife hadn't had sex for more than a year. He said that he had been patient and understanding with her but she refused to talk about it and see a sex therapist and had expected him to become celibate just because she had. He also said he had tried to organise weekends away child-free and helped out with housework but nothing seemed good enough or made her happy. He said she was exhausting to live with and seeing me again made him realise that their marriage was a mistake. I told him not to ring me again to sort out his marriage and not to prop his life up by using me.

He text me several times which I have deleted and have now blocked his mobile number. I have been a complete mess since he confessed and now don't know whether to tell his wife what has been going on or whether I should walk away and not get involved. I'm also wondering whether I should leave the door open if he separates soon.

OP I won't repeat what everyone else has said. I will only say how sad it is when an OW tries to convince herself that the married man is telling the truth.
One of my friends DH left her for the OW (affair had gone on a while) telling OW that they had seperate rooms etc. It was then difficult for him to explain the arrival of baby No2 about 9 months after her left his wife. He did try to say that the baby was someone elses, then she tricked him etc ect.
I think the saddest thing is that he didn't tell you he had kids. I get why these men lie about their marriages being over, but how can you deny the existence of your children?
I think if you stay you'll only get hurst and waste your time with him.

I can see why this is all a shock but you were right to tell him not to call and you were right to block his number. You now just need to stay firm.

And, you actually need to stop focusing on the truths or otherwise of his relationship with his DW because ultimately regardless of his relationship with his DW and DCs (and everything he said is textbook for cheaters ie bad marriage [tick] ; don't sleep together [tick] ; she won't let him leave [tick] ).

However ignore all of that and your experience of him is:

• in your first relationship he wasn't ready to commit
• in this relationship he took time out on Christmas Eve to contact you (with no mention of DCs who, let's be fair, are usually pretty vocal and forefront in the mind of most parents on Christmas Eve)
• he lied to you for nine months consistently - he lied about his relationship status; he lied about where and how he lived; he lied about where he was spending his time; he lied (I'm guessing) about being faithful to you and in an exclusive relationship with you
• he didn't tell you the truth (and I use that word lightly because all you really know is that he lies) until circumstances forced his hand

Please don't waste any time dreaming of him leaving his DW and you having a life together. Instead thank your lucky stars that you did bump into those people and you now know he is a liar.

(As a wife, and I realise I'm in the minority on this, I would like to know if my DH was cheating but I would be questioning your motives in considering telling the DW. Don't do it in the hope of him having a relationship with you.)

romeyroo - he said this was after he asked what was going on in my life. I said I was still working in London but in a more senior role and for a different company and my long term relationship has finished earlier that year. He knew I was single after I told him.

But I think that is kind of my point - he knew you were single, so rather than shall we meet for coffee, you know kind of casual, and see how we get on, given that we have not seen each other for so long - he's spinning the whole 'he wished he was spending Christmas with you and that he had always viewed you as 'the one that got away' line.

Now I absolutely get your desire, if you loved him and he had hurt you previously, to believe that this was all really true - but it is actually a really intrusive and predatory thing to say. It is intrusive because of the potential to mess with your head, and it is predatory because (being a married man) he was totally testing the water to see how far it would go to measure up the risk. It is also all about him (how he felt). It does not speak well of him at all (nothing here does, but let's stick with the point you have picked up on). And then wham bam, you are into passionate love affair, he's sweeping you off your feet and it is all so amazing that you are so invested in it, you don't think to question the odd hours he keeps with you... he has got you.

Of course people can get married and it can all go wrong (I am separated, no third party involved), but that is not what you have got here. Here you have a man who is married, who has spun you a line to hook you in, succeeded and let you believe that you were the love of his life, all the whilst going home to his wife and children. Until he was caught, he knew exactly what he was doing. If he had so little respect for his wife and children that he was prepared to walk along the streets openly holding hands with you, is that really, really the kind of person that you want to spend the rest of your life with??

Blimey. She has absolutely no redeeming features whatsoever does she?

I mean all cheating men have one or two complaints about the wife at home but it's almost as if, given that he's been rumbled, and knowing you're a bit gullible, he's trotted out every single line of the script, hoping that even if you only believe some of it, it'll be enough to keep you dangling

Wise up, silly girl.

I actually think you should tell her. With any luck she'll dump him pronto. More likely though he'll lie his arse off some more, smooth it over with her and move on to someone just as gullible as you.

You poor, poor thing - what a ghastly thing to have happen to you.

Just run, and be really nice to yourself for some time.

I don't normally post on here but feel compelled to comment. His wife sounds like a nightmare, gosh I can understand why he would have an affair, poor bloke

Seriously, he's hardly going to tell you he and his wife have a normal, intimate marriage but he's a cheating arsehole. He's spinning it so that he doesn't look so bad. He's lying to his wife, his children, his friends, his family AND TO YOU. Wake up OP, this will not end well for anyone. He is likely having sex with her so ask yourself this - if he were having a relationship behind your back are you seriously ok with that? Because that's the reality of this situation, he's cheated on his wife and he's cheated on you. What a prize he is.

Whether you contact his wife is up to you, but if you have had unprotected sex with this twunt I think she deserves to know, he will likely be sleeping with her.

Your defending him is actually awful because whatever the ins and outs of his marriage (which may or may not be as he has described) it's actually none of your business, you have no right to an opinion on the state of their marriage.

Please get an sti check and run for the hills.

My ex told me that he and his wife were separated and in the middle of a divorce. He said there was no way they were sleeping together because he didn't have time and she was living with her parents anyway.

The actual truth was they'd just gotten married 3 months before we got together, she was living at home and the reason they got married was she was pregnant with their first child.

Virtually everything he ever told me was a lie. I expect pretty much everything this man has told you is also a lie, down to the unplanned pregnancies and sleeping in the spare room.

I know you'll need time to get your head round it all, it's all such a shock. But I really wouldn't recommend taking him back, ever. He's lied to you and cheated on his wife. How can you have any respect for him whatsoever?

OP you are defending this man believing what he has told you - this time.

And you also believed him when he was telling you what you now know to be 100% lies (being single, his flat, no disclosure re DC etc)

Can you see the flaw in this logic?

I'm in no way defending him but relaying what he has told me.

I find it slightly strange that you all say "how can this possibly be true it's a script" when everybody knows a lot of married couples with children don't have sex.

Whilst I was at my meeting he left a message with one of my colleagues to call him and saying I think there must be something wrong with your mobile.

No, the crazy wife who treats him like shit coupled with the lack is sex is the script.

You aren't really gullible enough to believe everything he's told you, are you? He's lied to you about something HUGE. You can't believe a single thing this man tells you.

I see you've developed feelings for him, so of course you want to believe him. This makes you easier to fool, sadly.

everybody knows a lot of married couples with children don't have sex.
certainly less sex is common in relationships with young DC. esp in marriages where the H is out all hours "working" or shagging around, and the W is left to do all the parenting, housework etc on her own.

And especially when the W has an OMG moment when she realises she has married an utter twunt.

But regardless of that a marriage is a lot more than sex. Not having sex doesn't end the marriage and there is no "right" to sex within a marriage.

And any way you only have his word that they aren't having sex, and you know what that is worth

I'm in no way defending him but relaying what he has told me.

It's the way you are writing it.

So, what are you saying? Do you believe him?
I might, possibly, give him the benefit of the doubt if he had been upfront from the beginning. Not after he lied to you, blatantly, for the last 9 months.

Whilst I was at my meeting he left a message with one of my colleagues to call him and saying I think there must be something wrong with your mobile.
What are you going to do Greene?

Ha, I've seen something like this (friend of a friend). The blissfully unaware wife had utterly no idea that she was supposed to be frigid and had conned him into having children, especially while they were having rampant sex every day as TTC baby no.3 that he'd talked her into having, at the expense of her career.

Thank goodness she binned him.

But Greene1 it doesn't matter what the reality of his marriage is - it matters that he lied to you. If he had said he was married with DCs would you have had a relationship with him?

If the answer is yes then go ahead and call him back but know you're setting yourself up for uncertainty and unhappiness (as well as wreaking havoc on the family life of his innocent DCs and enabling him to cheat on his DW).

If you would have ran for the hills if he had said 'I'm married with DCs but still want to have sex with you' then don't return his calls. Put it down to experience and actually get a bit angry that he is ignoring your decision to end the relationship because he thinks he can manipulate you back into it by calling persistently, possibly sending flowers or chocolates. Only you can decide if you can be bought that cheaply.

I wonder if the wife called it a day, and he now is really "single" and ready to commit to you because he has nowhere else to go.

He's using the classic script.

That's not even the important part.. He lied to you from the off and you seem ok with that.

I know you want to believe him but if you go back there you're just giving him the green light to treat you how he wants... but good luck.

Lewji he's got that soulless flat with a hard mattress ...

Oh, yeah... Poor soul.

Greene aren't you really fucking angry with him now?

Only you can decide if you can be bought that cheaply.
Sorry that sounded cheeky and actually my anger is at him. You sound as though you made your wishes clear on Saturday. He's ignoring your legitimate request to leave you alone and thinking he can lure you back in.

Book to go away with your friends in October instead. Tell them what a lying, cheating arse he is and let their support help you through this.

when everybody knows a lot of married couples with children don't have sex.

How is that even relevant though? That makes it sound like if he's telling the truth about not getting much sex then it's fine that he has lied to both you and his wife for the last 9 months.

Do you think his motive for contacting you is because he a) loves you and can't live without you, or b) he's bricking it that you're going to tell his wife?

You came here looking for advice, there is a script and he's using it.

If he wanted out of his marriage he would have done it by now. If he didn't want children he should have taken responsibility to make sure it didn't happen (he sounds like a delightful father btw).

I sympathise with your situation as you've been unwittingly dragged into it. I also understand that you love him, so you desperately want everything that he's told you about his marriage to be true in order that you can consider having a future with him, but your entire relationship is based on lies and deceit. He doesn't sound like one of the "good ones" no matter how much you want him to be, you need to come to terms with this.

I think it's pretty obvious that Greene will take him back.