Have discovered that the man I've been dating is actually married! Any advice?

[Greene1]

I haven't posted here before and wondered if I could ask some advice. I'm sorry but this is long.

I am completely devastated as on Friday the man I have been dating for 9 months confessed that he is already married and has children. I don't think he was actually going to tell me but a chance encountered forced him to.

Some background. We dated back in my mid twenties, very happy, passionate fun relationship and we were together for nearly 2 years. Kept our own flats but he was reluctant to commit as he felt he was too young. We split amicably but I was very hurt and took me ages to forget him and he told me later that he was moving abroad. I moved on too dated and then was in a long term relationship which finished at the beginning of last year.

On Christmas Eve 2013 I received a message out of the blue from married man. Very friendly wishing me a happy Christmas and asking what I had been up to. He told me he was living back in the UK working in town and was single after a relationship he was in had finished. Said he wished he was spending Christmas with me and that he had always viewed me as 'the one that got away'. I'll admit I was hugely flattered.

I was abroad for New Year and when I got back we arranged to meet for a coffee and a catch up. I'll admit I was wary as obviously I wasn't 100% sure of his status and obviously I am fully aware that some married men are looking for affairs!

When we met up the attraction was still there in spades I naively thought that the time would have muted the feeling but I was still hugely attracted to him and him to me. We had a kiss then and he asked me to dinner later in the week. There was at no time any indication that he was married and he wasn't wearing a ring. I was excited and exhilarated to have him back in my life and we started a very intense and passionate relationship seeing each other after work and he coming over to my flat at weekends. Maybe that's when the alarm bells should have rung as sometimes he would come over only on Sunday afternoon or would make an excuse that he had an early flight and had to leave that night not staying over. However I was happy to have him in my life and realised that he's a very busy guy, as am I!

We had a great summer I had already booked a girlie holiday late last year with friends so we didn't go on a 'big holiday' together but we spent some lovely nights away at hotels.

On Friday we had supper after work outside of a lovely restaurant and we were discussing going away for the weekend in October to Barcelona. He was telling me about a fabulous hotel he had stayed at with work and i felt excited and happy. I invited him to my parents for Christmas in the country which feels so ridiculous now I want to cry. As we were walking back to the train station holding hands we bumped into 2 ladies who I assumed were work colleagues. He introduced me to them as a his 'friend' and they seemed strangely off with me as we walked away he got very agitated saying that he wasn't expecting to see them and that it made things 'complicated'. He then looked really stressed and worried saying that he had to go and he would call me soon. He left me standing in the street completely perplexed and horrified that something was seriously wrong.

He telephoned me on Saturday night to say that he was married with 2 young children. He said that his marriage was over and he and his wife hadn't had sex for more than a year. He said that he had been patient and understanding with her but she refused to talk about it and see a sex therapist and had expected him to become celibate just because she had. He also said he had tried to organise weekends away child-free and helped out with housework but nothing seemed good enough or made her happy. He said she was exhausting to live with and seeing me again made him realise that their marriage was a mistake. I told him not to ring me again to sort out his marriage and not to prop his life up by using me.

He text me several times which I have deleted and have now blocked his mobile number. I have been a complete mess since he confessed and now don't know whether to tell his wife what has been going on or whether I should walk away and not get involved. I'm also wondering whether I should leave the door open if he separates soon.

Why have any sympathy? He didn't tell you any of this when he met up with you at first. He told you he was single so he could sleep with you. He strung you along until he was caught. He is not a good peron. Do you want to be with someone who is capable of lying so convincingly like this for 9 months. You could never trust him- ever.

Greene all you have is his self-serving version, I bet his wife's would look very different.

I think, if you are realistic, you will see lots of holes in this story. Everything is done against his will (well, he had enough will to split with you before when you wanted to settle down), he doesn't want children (plausible for one, not plausible for two), they don't share a bed (how would you check this? How did she get pregant twice then?), his wife has gone off sex and doens't want to visit a therapist (this is NORMAL with two tiny kids and it may well pick up). His version is extremely biased to make him look good, he can't even tell the truth now!

I'm sure you do have a deep connection, I'm not going to tell you otherwise, but it isn't with a nice person. Sorry, he's just not nice, what he's done is not nice and what he's done to you is not nice. It's not the attributes of a good decent person, a keeper.

Oh poor him, what a hard life he has... and what a load of crap he is spinning you.

You are worth more than this spineless liar of a man.

Do you even know where he lives?

Please op, really really....you don't believe any of this do you?

Every married man says they aren't having sex with their wife, they sleep in different rooms, it's been over for years.

Many of them claim they were 'tricked' into having multiple children

Unfortunately until it's too late you will probably believe that this is special, different to all those thousands of men doing exactly the same thing as he is.

Go on facts please. The only fact you know god certain is this man lies. He has lied to you. He has lied to jus wife and children. You can't believe anything he says about his wife. Lord just read some of the threads on here, google the script for adultery and the penny will finally drop.

he has never wanted children

How lovely for the children he already has...

Sorry but he is telling you an absolute crock of shit. At best, it's all true (although it definitely isn't), which means he is pathetic and spineless.

What an absolute catch he is

Your Christmas would have been awful anyway, OP, with him trying to keep up the pretence and juggling his time etc. It's just as well this has come into the open now. You now know he's a liar and a cheat and you also know, deep down, that you can do much, much better.

Just walk away.

Thank you for your feedback but I understand that she wasn't left to cope alone.

They had agreed not to have any more children but she stopped taking contraceptive. He then arranged for child care help (even though she doesn't work) and domestic help.

I'd set an ultimatum: Get divorced or don't see me again!

Why are you trusting anything he tells you? He has lied to your face for nearly a year.

They had agreed not to have any more children but she stopped taking contraceptive. He then arranged for child care help (even though she doesn't work) and domestic help.

This is just what he told you.

You know, the liar.

Just walk away from this mess.

I bet that if you contacted his wife, you'd get a completely different picture.

Posted too soon.

I know all this from experience. When I found he was married I dropped him like a hot rock. He tried all this crap on me too.

Guess what...apparently it was over for years, she was a ball breaker who made him have children, they never had sex, what we had was special blah blah blah.

Sound familiar?

I emailed him a link to 'the script' and told him if he ever contacted me again the next email was being forwarded to his wife ( bluffing didn't have her email)

Guess I wasn't that special after all, never heard from him again

look at it this way, If his marriage really was over he wouldn't have given a damn about the two women you bumped into.

He ran off to limit the damage.

You don't need to tell the wife, her mates will/already have and he's still busy trying to keep his options open with you!

He's a farce

OP, I am very sorry that you have found yourself in this situation, an unknowing participant in an affair. The thing that you need to keep on reminding yourself is - they lie and then they lie again and again and again.

My XH said that he would like more sex, told his OW that we didn't do it very often. We had a 4yo DD and usually managed it 2-3 times a week, which according to my friends was waaaay more than they did it.

That is just one example of the lies. My XH also told his OW that when he was sick at my aunt's funeral that nobody cared about him. Bollocks! I drove as he was ill, my dad gave us a lift from the church back to our car when he had a funny turn and when I saw him leaning against the church wall I went right over to him and made sure he was ok. i got his food at the wake and then drove home again. But he told OW that he was ill, that nobody noticed and nobody cared and that I was too busy to look after him.

Don't mean to go on, but want to impress upon you the lies that the tell and the depths of those lies.

So you see how easily they lie to get sympathy and pity from OW? The old cliches? my wife doesn't understand me, we never have sex, she's lazy, she's mean to me (poor diddums)..... those and a hundred other tired old cliches are trotted out.

If what your MM says is true, then he needs to grow some balls and leave his W. Did he say that he only stays for the sake of the DC? Another tired old cliche?

He needs to leave his wife, sort out the divorce, separation, contact etc. Once he is a single man, maybe there is a chance for you and him, maybe not. But you need to stay well away from him until he is totally separated from his W and living in his own place. and even then how the hell would you trust him ever again, knowing that he can lie to you so easily and knowing he can lie to his W so easily?

It is quite clear that you did not know that you were OW. nobody is slating you for that. It is also obvious that you felt a lot for him, but he has been living a double life for the best part of a year now. is that really the sort of man that you want to spend the rest of your life with?

Take some time to look after yourself. Ensure that you have no contact with him in the meantime.

Oh dear OP. It's like you are desperately willing yourself to accept all sorts of bullshit to try and justify continuing a relationship further down the line. This man is an out and out liar. Even you say yourself that he probably wouldn't have told you about his family if you hadn't run into those women!!

I'd also like to point out that this is the type of man who will abandon his own children at Christmas to spent it with his bit on the side. Can you imagine the lies he told his own children to "explain" why he wouldn't be there with them on christmas day? "daddy has to work, but I wish so much I could be with you".

You know what, if you want to accept the picture he is painting that his wife is a complete villain, then you need to ask yourself - if she was THAT bad, why didn't he divorce her before he met you? If his marriage was THAT unworkable, and if he was THAT in love with you, why didn't he move out? Or tell you upfront what his situation was?

Don't give me any bullshit about him wanting to stay "for the children". Coming from a man who left his children without him on christmas day, he obviously doesn't give two fucks about them.

Or maybe he does care about them, but of course, he cares about his own sexual fulfilment, at the cost of deceiving both you and his wife whilst going about it?

You do realise that if his wife finds out about this from someone else, he is going to paint you in exactly the same light? A shameless hussy who practically dragged him into bed, and BEGGED him to leave his wife and kids, and was basically the vile temptress?

But of course, if you're happy to let a lying scumbag like this turn two perfectly nice women against each other to fight for him, then go ahead...

They had agreed not to have any more children but she stopped taking contraceptive.
He is the one who absolutely doesn't want children, yet he leaves contraception entirely in the hands of the person who does want children - twice. I guess it though it was OK as they weren't sleeping together anyway.

think about it OP!!

Ffs OP. Grow up!

Seriously! If she was so horrendous how come you never found out about her until after he was caught with you?

Can we play Cheaters Bingo?

Okay let's look at it this way. That's really what his life is like. He doesn't want to be married to her and wants to be with you.

In that case he can prove it can't he? If his life is such a hollow shell with a leech of a wife then he must be glad he now has you and can be happy.

So in theory he should be telling his wife now? After all word might get back to her so he needs to tell her first. And then you can be together and it will all be fine.

I hope that does happen. I hope you don't get drawn into an affair because you feel sorry for him. And he can't possibly leave. And you spend years of your life waiting for him to be with you.

OP you sound as if you have already made the decision to give him another chance TBH - you are making excuses for him and defending his actions. Do you have a good network of RL friends / family you could talk to honestly about this? If you don't want to tell anybody in RL the truth about him, maybe ask yourself why...

what a prize arse you would get if he did leave his W for you.

Fingers crossed op has just googled the adultery script and is currently telling the husband and father of the year where to shove his pity party.

He's lied to you for 9 months. He is not suddenly coming out all honest and t elling you the truth. He is still lying. Run away while you can.

Everything he's told you about his marriage is a gold-plated fucking lie. God knows, he's had plenty of time to hone his skills with you. Be duped by him again and you only have yourself to blame. Once a cheating lying arsehole always a cheating lying arsehole. You know what they say, don't you? "A man who marries his mistress is creating a vacancy".

OP, I would recommend that you get in touch with his wife and get her side of the story. Then you can decide if he really is a manipulated husband or if he is spinning you a line.

By meeting her you will also have an idea of what your life might be in the future. Think about it. No relationship remains perfect forever and when your relationship with him hits a rocky patch, which all relationships do, you will be paranoid that he won't have the self discipline to stick around and make things work.