Have discovered that the man I've been dating is actually married! Any advice?

[Greene1]

I haven't posted here before and wondered if I could ask some advice. I'm sorry but this is long.

I am completely devastated as on Friday the man I have been dating for 9 months confessed that he is already married and has children. I don't think he was actually going to tell me but a chance encountered forced him to.

Some background. We dated back in my mid twenties, very happy, passionate fun relationship and we were together for nearly 2 years. Kept our own flats but he was reluctant to commit as he felt he was too young. We split amicably but I was very hurt and took me ages to forget him and he told me later that he was moving abroad. I moved on too dated and then was in a long term relationship which finished at the beginning of last year.

On Christmas Eve 2013 I received a message out of the blue from married man. Very friendly wishing me a happy Christmas and asking what I had been up to. He told me he was living back in the UK working in town and was single after a relationship he was in had finished. Said he wished he was spending Christmas with me and that he had always viewed me as 'the one that got away'. I'll admit I was hugely flattered.

I was abroad for New Year and when I got back we arranged to meet for a coffee and a catch up. I'll admit I was wary as obviously I wasn't 100% sure of his status and obviously I am fully aware that some married men are looking for affairs!

When we met up the attraction was still there in spades I naively thought that the time would have muted the feeling but I was still hugely attracted to him and him to me. We had a kiss then and he asked me to dinner later in the week. There was at no time any indication that he was married and he wasn't wearing a ring. I was excited and exhilarated to have him back in my life and we started a very intense and passionate relationship seeing each other after work and he coming over to my flat at weekends. Maybe that's when the alarm bells should have rung as sometimes he would come over only on Sunday afternoon or would make an excuse that he had an early flight and had to leave that night not staying over. However I was happy to have him in my life and realised that he's a very busy guy, as am I!

We had a great summer I had already booked a girlie holiday late last year with friends so we didn't go on a 'big holiday' together but we spent some lovely nights away at hotels.

On Friday we had supper after work outside of a lovely restaurant and we were discussing going away for the weekend in October to Barcelona. He was telling me about a fabulous hotel he had stayed at with work and i felt excited and happy. I invited him to my parents for Christmas in the country which feels so ridiculous now I want to cry. As we were walking back to the train station holding hands we bumped into 2 ladies who I assumed were work colleagues. He introduced me to them as a his 'friend' and they seemed strangely off with me as we walked away he got very agitated saying that he wasn't expecting to see them and that it made things 'complicated'. He then looked really stressed and worried saying that he had to go and he would call me soon. He left me standing in the street completely perplexed and horrified that something was seriously wrong.

He telephoned me on Saturday night to say that he was married with 2 young children. He said that his marriage was over and he and his wife hadn't had sex for more than a year. He said that he had been patient and understanding with her but she refused to talk about it and see a sex therapist and had expected him to become celibate just because she had. He also said he had tried to organise weekends away child-free and helped out with housework but nothing seemed good enough or made her happy. He said she was exhausting to live with and seeing me again made him realise that their marriage was a mistake. I told him not to ring me again to sort out his marriage and not to prop his life up by using me.

He text me several times which I have deleted and have now blocked his mobile number. I have been a complete mess since he confessed and now don't know whether to tell his wife what has been going on or whether I should walk away and not get involved. I'm also wondering whether I should leave the door open if he separates soon.

How old is the youngest child?

If she was that exhausting to live with, then he should have rested, not whiled away sunday afternoons fucking you.

he probably got back home later, showered then shagged her too.

rinse repeat, rinse repeat......

I'm sad for you that this man has turned out to be a liar and a cheat - and worse because you think you know him better, as you had a relationship with him before.

But you wanted advice so here's mine - the same as most other posters on here - dump him!

I have been in a relationship with a consummate liar - you can make excuse after excuse and create elaborate ways that mean he could be telling the truth - but in the end it's Occam's razor: if it looks like a lie, it is one. He's been lying solidly, why on earth would you take ANY of what he's told you about his poor wife at face value? WHY?

I'll say it again - he's a LIAR. and a CHEAT. And even if he did leave his wife and children now, WHY would you want to be with a liar and a cheat?

So dump his sorry arse. And then leave him alone, wash him out of your mind and move on - see if you can find someone who isn't a lowlife liar and cheat.

FFS, she'd harm herself if he left? But he took the risk to shag about because she wouldn't be upset by that?!

Look how he treated you when he saw people who knew his wife? He left you in the street. All he thought about was self-preservation.

He has basically told you that he got back in touch because he wanted sex.
He dumped you the first time because he was too young or unwilling to commit and he knew if he got back with you, you might be worried about pushing for too much too soon in case you frightened him off. You had perfect potential mistress written all over you.
He is a user and a liar. He might be great fun, he might care about you, like your parents and have a nine inch 24 carat gold cock. Irrelevant. He's a liar and a cliche.

I'd love to hear what his wife has to say. He must be wealthy to pay for help all day and the nights when he was shagging you too. Perhaps she'd rather he'd been actually helping rather than paying for it.

He told me he was living back in the UK working in town and was single after a relationship he was in had finished.

Read that again.
This was when he first contacted you. Already with a lie.

On my lord, talk about the script!

OP you can bet your life he loves his wife and wanted his children, he has never tried to leave, she has never threatened to kill herself if he does, she has no idea about you or that anything's wrong, and he's telling you lies, lies, lies because he wants to keep seeing you but he's scared now that he may have been found out, and may therefore have to choose....

Cut him off. I've no doubt he still fancies you and you think you're in love with him. He's still a liar, and your whole relationship is built on a massive deception.

Dump and run.

Aren't you noticing a theme yet? Isn't it interesting how every single thing that has gone wrong in this mans life is all his wife's fault?

This.

Quite aside from being a liar and a cheat, this man has no self-awareness whatsoever.

I am really sorry you have been so badly hurt, but if you have any self-respect at all, you will deal with the hurt and move on. Even the opening line of his message out of the blue should have made you completely wary - I mean, it is really presumptious and quite intrusive; and quite targetted if he knew you were single. It's like he went fishing and hooked you in.

So, he's a successful guy with a busy career but he's managed to let one woman manipulate him into having children he didn't want, employing help he didn't want, buying a house he didn't want...and he wasn't even getting sex in return.

Not the opening line - I mean this line : 'Said he wished he was spending Christmas with me and that he had always viewed me as 'the one that got away'. To someone you have not seen for years and you don't know how they are or what has happened in their life???

I'm wondering if OP is casting around for justifications for his appalling actions so it is less sordid from her POV.

I do not see how OP could have been unaware that he was married, and yet know so much as "fact" about that marriage on the strength of a break up phone call.

OP, I get it that you want to believe him. That you want to see some integrity in this man so it seems less sordid. That even with the devastating discovery that he is an accomplished long term liar, you want to think he's not all bad.

But you cannot do this. What he told you is self-serving and self-centred. It's not a case of him getting her a cleaner or whatever, it's a married couple deciding their priorities and how to spend their family income, making domestic decisions, caring for their children and deciding what's right for them. If he did not think those decisions were right, he should have sorted it out within the family. He was capable of all the initiatve planning for what, from his POV, was a secret affair and it just does not ring at all true that he was not capable of planning how his home life would be.

If a man can reply ;) The key thing for me is that he lied from the beginning and kept it up for 9 months, only "coming clean" when he had to because you met these women.

Based on this how can you believe anything else he tells you, he may or may not be sleeping with his wife, he may or may not be having sex with her; you can never really trust him.

You've done the right thing in telling him to sort his life out and be honest, keep his number booked and find someone who is actually single and available.

romeyroo - he said this was after he asked what was going on in my life. I said I was still working in London but in a more senior role and for a different company and my long term relationship has finished earlier that year. He knew I was single after I told him.

Of all the points on this thread.....that's the one you feel you have to clarify!

Ok folks I'm off, waste of time and future heartbreak for all concerned is a looming.

You might as well pop in at his and declare your undying love to him.

Do you know what? Call me a crazy stalker-woman but if I'd been dating a successful guy for the last 9 months and had never been to his house because he's told me he didn't like it there and preferred mine, I'd be googling the shit out of him, doing drive-bys on his address and trying to get my foot in the door at least once.

You are either the most naive and least inquisitive person in the world, or deep down you knew all along there was more to this than met the eye.

OP how do you justify him lying to you for the last nine months then? And only confessing when he accidentally bumped into some people who knew him?

Does he have a sob story for that one too?

One more thing

Op, if for some obscure reason, you decide to carry on with this loser may I suggest something?

Tell his wife. I mean if you were going to cut off all contact I would say leave it alone. But if you don't then you should definitely tell her.

After all he will be relieved won't he? He doesn't want to be there, he wants to be with you. So you just tell his wife and he will come a running to you.

(Cough) if he can't convince her you were a mistake of course.

He might not have been sleeping with her (I doubt it) but he wasn't making any effort to be honest with you or end things kindly with her.

He was stopping you from meeting someone who could fully be with you and who was with you honestly. He has presented himself as a different person. He has relied on your memories of the past relationship and exploited them.

I get that you don't want to be the OW. You aren't at fault. He is. If you convince yourself that you were star-crossed lovers of old and his celibate wife is an aberration; you can forgive him and restart the affair. It's all bullshit though, isn't it? He is a liar and he's lied to you both. No preference there!

You are completely and utterly deluded.

I don't even have the words - besides, they'd just fall on deaf ears.

But, whatever you do, if you get together with him - do NOT say you weren't warned.

I agree with Sliced. It sounds as though you are justifying for him, so if you are going to let this continue then at least make the condition that he tells his wife and moves out immediately. After all, as Sliced said, it will be a relief I am sure.

But don't be surprised if he comes up with a dozen reasons why he can't leave right now, but if you'll just hang on for 6 months until the timing is better…...

I bet he knew you were single when he contacted you. Do you have your relationship status set on facebook? How did he get in touch with you?

You don't contact an ex-girlfriend on Christmas Eve unless you're pretty sure she's not in a relationship.

It's very telling that the moment he was caught he didn't stay with you to discuss what was happening and to com for you, he left you standing on the street and ran back to his wife. She is his priority, not you. Maybe priority is the wrong word, obviously he prioritises himself over everyone. However, he was more concerned about her than you.

He lied to you. Not just once.

Why do you think he is now telling the truth when his immediate reaction was to panic and get back to his wife for damage limitation leaving you in the street.

That is his opinion of you. Something to leave in the street.

He lied to get sex from you.

Get an STI test and never contact him again.

It's worrying that someone who is at least late 20's could be so naive! I mean really???

Also, do you really want to be with a man who talks about the mother of his children like this? He sounds like a manipulative liar, but obviously you are not interested in hearing this.

However, he was more concerned about her than you.

I bet.
He stands to lose his home, and probably a part of his income and assets, if nothing else.