Have discovered that the man I've been dating is actually married! Any advice?

[Greene1]

I haven't posted here before and wondered if I could ask some advice. I'm sorry but this is long.

I am completely devastated as on Friday the man I have been dating for 9 months confessed that he is already married and has children. I don't think he was actually going to tell me but a chance encountered forced him to.

Some background. We dated back in my mid twenties, very happy, passionate fun relationship and we were together for nearly 2 years. Kept our own flats but he was reluctant to commit as he felt he was too young. We split amicably but I was very hurt and took me ages to forget him and he told me later that he was moving abroad. I moved on too dated and then was in a long term relationship which finished at the beginning of last year.

On Christmas Eve 2013 I received a message out of the blue from married man. Very friendly wishing me a happy Christmas and asking what I had been up to. He told me he was living back in the UK working in town and was single after a relationship he was in had finished. Said he wished he was spending Christmas with me and that he had always viewed me as 'the one that got away'. I'll admit I was hugely flattered.

I was abroad for New Year and when I got back we arranged to meet for a coffee and a catch up. I'll admit I was wary as obviously I wasn't 100% sure of his status and obviously I am fully aware that some married men are looking for affairs!

When we met up the attraction was still there in spades I naively thought that the time would have muted the feeling but I was still hugely attracted to him and him to me. We had a kiss then and he asked me to dinner later in the week. There was at no time any indication that he was married and he wasn't wearing a ring. I was excited and exhilarated to have him back in my life and we started a very intense and passionate relationship seeing each other after work and he coming over to my flat at weekends. Maybe that's when the alarm bells should have rung as sometimes he would come over only on Sunday afternoon or would make an excuse that he had an early flight and had to leave that night not staying over. However I was happy to have him in my life and realised that he's a very busy guy, as am I!

We had a great summer I had already booked a girlie holiday late last year with friends so we didn't go on a 'big holiday' together but we spent some lovely nights away at hotels.

On Friday we had supper after work outside of a lovely restaurant and we were discussing going away for the weekend in October to Barcelona. He was telling me about a fabulous hotel he had stayed at with work and i felt excited and happy. I invited him to my parents for Christmas in the country which feels so ridiculous now I want to cry. As we were walking back to the train station holding hands we bumped into 2 ladies who I assumed were work colleagues. He introduced me to them as a his 'friend' and they seemed strangely off with me as we walked away he got very agitated saying that he wasn't expecting to see them and that it made things 'complicated'. He then looked really stressed and worried saying that he had to go and he would call me soon. He left me standing in the street completely perplexed and horrified that something was seriously wrong.

He telephoned me on Saturday night to say that he was married with 2 young children. He said that his marriage was over and he and his wife hadn't had sex for more than a year. He said that he had been patient and understanding with her but she refused to talk about it and see a sex therapist and had expected him to become celibate just because she had. He also said he had tried to organise weekends away child-free and helped out with housework but nothing seemed good enough or made her happy. He said she was exhausting to live with and seeing me again made him realise that their marriage was a mistake. I told him not to ring me again to sort out his marriage and not to prop his life up by using me.

He text me several times which I have deleted and have now blocked his mobile number. I have been a complete mess since he confessed and now don't know whether to tell his wife what has been going on or whether I should walk away and not get involved. I'm also wondering whether I should leave the door open if he separates soon.

I was upset at your willingness to swallow whole the laughably 2D representation of his wife.

Not only that, but then post it on a website of wives and mothers... it is not that what you relayed made uncomfortable reading (I mean, many of us know the script - my first marriage ended when xH went off with someone else leaving me with our baby DD; goodness knows how he justified that one to her); but that you relayed it so uncritically.

I guess most of us were saying, please do not believe this wholesale, because many of us know the other side.

Greene - what Alice said ^^

Nobody wants to see you get hurt or see you be the cheated wife one day. When a man shows you his true colours, then notice them.... :(

You have had a terrible shock too, something that you thought was real turned out not to be, through no fault of your own.

Should the wife try and contact you then you can say hand on heart that you had no idea that he was married, that you are disgusted with his behaviour and that you have no intention of contacting him ever again.

All the best for the future and I hope that you meet somebody decent soon :)

I was a bit upset by your unquestioning "he said he said" line. It sounded as if you believed/believe him still, even after he has shown himself to be a skilled liar to you and his family.

And your "I know him" comment tipped me over the edge. Because you can't even seem to accept he is a huge liar/manipulator in the face of all this evidence. And if you do really "know him" then you know he is a liar and you are accepting of that - which is another scenario entirely.

But I was upset for you also - it is a huge amount to take in, and he has committed a massive fraud against you and your life.

I really hope you get it now OP.

It wasn't uncomfortable, it was sadly naive. And yy to what Walter just said; we're upset for you, not at you.

I felt the same as BeCool.

It's also worth remembering that strangers on the internet are generally more direct with far less softening of any blows than a friend in real life.

I hope the no-contact continues. I really am horrified that he could be so cruel to both you, his wife, and his children, and although it must really hurt, at least be thankful you have found out.

Please try to be more critical about the bs he has fed you about his wife. I was hoping for a full-house with the 'cheating bastard's script', and am surprised that he didn't complete the set with the 'she has really let herself go. She sits around eating chocolate all day, and can't be arsed to go to the gym. She doesn't have a lovely figure like you.'

I must say I arfed when I read about the wife's refusal to seek therapy for her lack of sex drive. I can just imagine that conversation:

Him: We haven't had sex for 3 days now, and you refuse to allow me to do anal.
Her : Why would I want to have sex with a pompous arsehole who has form for sleeping around, and is never bloody here to help me with the kids, and is so fucking tight he resents me getting a cleaner for 3 hours a week?
Him: I think you need to see a sex therapist.
Her: Uh huh?

Anyway, good luck. I think Vezzie has made a lot of very good comments about misogynistic views that we internalise as women.

Be Cool you said it much better than me. My post was deleted ( a first )

I don't know why so many posters use being a wife and mother as an excuse for losing all empathy for anyone who isn't exactly like them. Is the OP less deserving of sympathy because she isn't a wife and mother? Maybe she was naive, but she was posting very soon after finding out about a huge deception so it should be completely understandable if she hadn't thought through the implications of what she was writing.

I am not saying there is anything wrong with pointing out to her that there is probably another side to the story, but personally I find some of this 'upset' a bit much. I think the OP is probably feeling bad enough already without all of the 'if you were a wife and mother you would understand' type posts, which come over as fairly patronising.

I don't think it has to be a competition about who has been the most hurt here. Of course, the OP is going to see things from her own point of view first, but I think she has fully acknowledged how terrible this man's behaviour was. She was in love with this man and planning a future with him - no one wants to believe that they have been completely duped, so it is going to take a while for her to work through it all.

And when you have been in love with someone you can't just immediately switch everything off and be completely rational about the situation, no matter how much you want to.

I think that even wives and mothers can internalise misogynistic views, for example about other women that they feel have transgressed in some way, even unwittingly.

Oh gt's not misogyny to be pissed off that op

Try again - give over, it's not misogyny to be pissed off that op took the cardboard cutout account of the wife; accepted that HE employed a nurse 'for her', and all the other things HE did (supposedly), like she's a doll. Those decisions are made by couples, together. He has made her out to be a complete idiot - no, wait, his POSSESSION, to do with what he chooses. Op accepted all this and no alarm bells went off at what is, frankly, alarming.

Out of the heart the mouth speaks - some of the key things op said were not a mistake. Perhaps if she fleshed out some of the characters in this (excluding the dreadful man, who appears to be lacking in any depth) she wouldn't be asking if she should hang around to see how it goes.

Apologies for third person, op. I do genuinely feel for you, this is an immense shock. I do so hope you can read the signs and see him for what he really is, no excuses.

What Springy said.

And I would argue, solosolong that if anything in this situation would be misogynist it is believing the cliched description of a wife by her confirmed and proven liar and all round self serving husband, because it suits your blinkered view of the situation to do so.

But no one has said that here.

Certainly, misogyny is manipulating two women with crafted lies and deception to suit your own needs, completely disregarding their needs.

BTW I am not a wife.

That all sounds like a big messy situation.

Here's the thing though, none of it has to be your problem.

You can just stroll away, you haven't done anything wrong whatsoever.

Just dump him and find someone without all the hassle/mess.

And yes I know this sounds cold but to be honest the OP sounds like she has a great life right now.

Don't let him mess that up for you. Quite apart from the appalling way he has behaved in his marriage he has lied to you for 9 months. Fuck that.

Stroll?? Get real, there don't be any 'strolling' in this appalling and deeply hurtful, shocking, situation. Let's not get too cool eh.

springydaffs 'Stroll?? Get real, there don't be any 'strolling' in this appalling and deeply hurtful, shocking, situation. Let's not get too cool eh.'

None of this situation up to now is the OP's doing nor is it her problem.

Not one tiny bit.

None of it is her problem, she really can just walk/stroll away from the whole sorry mess.

She hasn't done anything wrong, yet.

OP yes you do know him. You know him to be a liar.

Let's face it, even if his marriage is "over" (whatever that means) then he omitted to mention to you for nine months that he had children. And lived with another person ie his fucking wife. Those are not minor details that slip your mind for nine. Fucking. Months. It takes a great degree of effort and guile to cover that up! He must've told thousands of small lies to make up that one steaming great black one!

So the fact that he is a bare-faced shameless liar is a given right?

So do you think he ony lies to you about his wife. Right now, I would bet my mortgage, he is lying to his wife about you. My guess would be:

• she threw herself at me
• she's a crazy stalker
• I only met with her because I felt sorry for her
• we haven't had sex
• I couldn't just leave her - she has nobody else / needs support

I bet bet BET you he's said all those things and more about you

If you stop & look back at the very first contact you had with him, he lied to you. That means he must have thought he could have an affair with you before he made contact - think about normal interactions. When you see someone you haven't seen for a long time you ask them what they've been up to & tell the truth about yourself eg he might have said 'I'm married now & I've got 2 children. Things aren't too good between us right now.' The fact he lied for an extended period means he doesn't value you beyond a fling or want a LTR with you.