Have discovered that the man I've been dating is actually married! Any advice?

[Greene1]

I haven't posted here before and wondered if I could ask some advice. I'm sorry but this is long.

I am completely devastated as on Friday the man I have been dating for 9 months confessed that he is already married and has children. I don't think he was actually going to tell me but a chance encountered forced him to.

Some background. We dated back in my mid twenties, very happy, passionate fun relationship and we were together for nearly 2 years. Kept our own flats but he was reluctant to commit as he felt he was too young. We split amicably but I was very hurt and took me ages to forget him and he told me later that he was moving abroad. I moved on too dated and then was in a long term relationship which finished at the beginning of last year.

On Christmas Eve 2013 I received a message out of the blue from married man. Very friendly wishing me a happy Christmas and asking what I had been up to. He told me he was living back in the UK working in town and was single after a relationship he was in had finished. Said he wished he was spending Christmas with me and that he had always viewed me as 'the one that got away'. I'll admit I was hugely flattered.

I was abroad for New Year and when I got back we arranged to meet for a coffee and a catch up. I'll admit I was wary as obviously I wasn't 100% sure of his status and obviously I am fully aware that some married men are looking for affairs!

When we met up the attraction was still there in spades I naively thought that the time would have muted the feeling but I was still hugely attracted to him and him to me. We had a kiss then and he asked me to dinner later in the week. There was at no time any indication that he was married and he wasn't wearing a ring. I was excited and exhilarated to have him back in my life and we started a very intense and passionate relationship seeing each other after work and he coming over to my flat at weekends. Maybe that's when the alarm bells should have rung as sometimes he would come over only on Sunday afternoon or would make an excuse that he had an early flight and had to leave that night not staying over. However I was happy to have him in my life and realised that he's a very busy guy, as am I!

We had a great summer I had already booked a girlie holiday late last year with friends so we didn't go on a 'big holiday' together but we spent some lovely nights away at hotels.

On Friday we had supper after work outside of a lovely restaurant and we were discussing going away for the weekend in October to Barcelona. He was telling me about a fabulous hotel he had stayed at with work and i felt excited and happy. I invited him to my parents for Christmas in the country which feels so ridiculous now I want to cry. As we were walking back to the train station holding hands we bumped into 2 ladies who I assumed were work colleagues. He introduced me to them as a his 'friend' and they seemed strangely off with me as we walked away he got very agitated saying that he wasn't expecting to see them and that it made things 'complicated'. He then looked really stressed and worried saying that he had to go and he would call me soon. He left me standing in the street completely perplexed and horrified that something was seriously wrong.

He telephoned me on Saturday night to say that he was married with 2 young children. He said that his marriage was over and he and his wife hadn't had sex for more than a year. He said that he had been patient and understanding with her but she refused to talk about it and see a sex therapist and had expected him to become celibate just because she had. He also said he had tried to organise weekends away child-free and helped out with housework but nothing seemed good enough or made her happy. He said she was exhausting to live with and seeing me again made him realise that their marriage was a mistake. I told him not to ring me again to sort out his marriage and not to prop his life up by using me.

He text me several times which I have deleted and have now blocked his mobile number. I have been a complete mess since he confessed and now don't know whether to tell his wife what has been going on or whether I should walk away and not get involved. I'm also wondering whether I should leave the door open if he separates soon.

It is embarrassing that you have fallen for the 2-dimensional account of his wife and marriage. Do you think he wouldn't, doesnt , do the same with you? That you are wheeled on to play your part.

Take heart, you aren't the first. How do you feel that he would treat the woman he married like this, move her around on a checkerboard like a child: MY house, I WILL move her to a small house. She and the children she bore.

You believe what he has told you about her, so-say corroborated by his colleagues. You know nothing about the reality, only what has been presented to you through his very probably self-serving lens.

In your possibly high-flying, corporate world you may not recognise the wisdom and experience of countless women, regardless how far, or not, they have come in the career world. Is she, to you (and to him) the little wifey, like a broach, who hasn't played her part and has to be dispensed with. Moved around and along.

Poor woman that she is up against a ruthless lawyer should it come to a divorce (and let's hope so , for her sake). But she may not be the 2-dimensional wifey he portrays, and may have some good clout of her own. Not least that the law is firmly on her side; the very law that dwarfs him, even in all his splendour.

You don't know him, op. Really you don't. It is so clear he has a side to him you know nothing about, can't even guess at, particularly if you appear to view women in monochrome (you would have had the same sage advice from women across the social spectrum).

Many, many years ago I had a relationship with a man. We parted ways, but not before I had heard a lot about his ex wife, all of which is very, very similar to what he's told you. Years later, met up with him again, he'd remarried, but he kept on about how miserable he was, how I was also 'the one that got away'.

Chance encounter last year, I became friends with his first wife, and subsequently his children. Boy had I been spun a line. Emotionally abusive, financially abusive, 2-3 girlfriends on the go whilst still being married, all backed up by his now grown up children.

They tell you what they want you to hear.

The thing that really bothers me about this man is the way he talks about his wife. A decent man, even if everything he says is true, would not go on about it. He would say "the marriage just isn't working". He would keep his feelings about his wife private.

A decent man does not start planning whether or not to "throw" his wife and kids out of their home.

You are incredibly naive OP and you obviously know nothing about UK divorce law. It doesn't matter if the house is in "his sole name". It is an asset of the marriage and, as a SAHM to two children, she will be entitled to around 75% of the value of it. As she bloody well should be.

He is going to "sell the house and buy a smaller one for her and the kids"? Well what a charmer. He is going to turn his children's worlds upside down and force them out of their home. How wonderful.

"He tried to help out when he was at home". Well how utterly brilliant of him. You do realise, OP, do you not that a father pulling his weight at home when off work is just being a father? It is not "helping out", it is being a fucking parent.

"He arranged weekends away". Perhaps his wife would have appreciated him pulling his weight with family time instead and saw these weekends away for the self-serving time off from his own kids that they really were.

This man is an utter prick and the way he talks about his wife and DC to you says it all. Only you can't see it.

You think this whole saga is about you and him against his annoying and inconvenient family. It isn't. It is about him and his wife and their marriage. You are a sideshow.

Stop listening to this utter bastard and move on with your life.

OP, you know that fateful Christmas Eve message?
The one that you still believe at some level proves he truly loves you more than his (bitch of a) wife

I'm sorry to say he may have sent the same message to several X GFs that night
And you were just the one that fell for it, rather than being his star-crossed lover and one-who-got-away
He was playing an odds game, and XGFs have much better odds of scoring an affair than a stranger

He's good at this, and has probably done it before

OP something else to consider - lying about the DC. Let's say he really wanted to be with you. Let's also say he's not an utter shit.

He could have said he was separated / going through a divorce and perhaps 'got away' with a slight overlap.

How on earth - assuming he's not an utter shit and wants to be a good dad - was he planning on introducing the reality of two small children after 9 months of saying nothing? If he was in it for the long term (even despite the appalling way he's treated his wife), he would surely have mentioned that he was a parent? Unless of course he never intended it to be long term.

How many little lies must he have told you to avoid mentioning those children? Unless you never asked innocuous questions about what he was up to. Did you never have (even innocuous conversations) about what he was up to when you weren't together?

Unless you were deliberately keeping it very light (which it doesn't sound like was the case), you're selling yourself very short. By 9 months, if on track to be a serious relationship, I'd expect to have met a few of his mates, quite possibly his parents (even if only casually), maybe even been a +1 to an event. Did you introduce him to your friends? Or was it 'casual' on both sides?

I was just coming in to say what Beast has said.

People make mistakes and marry the wrong people. People change and grow apart. It's not a crime and it happens daily. People are blindsided by meeting someone new and have affairs and leave their partners/families and live happily ever after.

But 9 months, 9 months of stringing you along? And he only told you when he got caught.

I think Greene is getting a really hard time considering she has decided to tell everyone in RL that he is married, and block him.
Yes she looks like she is a bit too inclined to believe him in emotional terms, but this is a complete bombshell for her - she will struggle to come to terms with it and it may take time.

I believe this, btw. The fact that he is a lawyer doesn't mean he didn't tell her that guff about the divorce - he doesn't have to believe it to say it. He was obviously never serious about getting together with Greene long term so it didn't matter what he said (how would he have managed the ex wife and children? He wasn't even going to admit now that he was married - he didn't mean to stick around with Greene). I believe that women can be strung along by men like this, is what I mean - the thread rings true.

Greene, the people on this site tend to be mothers and many are married. Therefore we are all giving you a hard time because we know the reality of relationships with men when you have children - you need the love and support of your partner then more than ever, and that is when you are least charming and glamorous. Many women have found themselves married to selfish, sexist shits once they are pregnant or after having children, and so feelings on this issue run high. This man is not fit to be a husband, a partner or a boyfriend. Consider yourself lucky you found out now.

What a dick head.

None of this adds up to anything other than lies and just enough words to get you into bed.

Maybe you are both the real deal and it will all work out but what a prize. Not man enough to leave his dreadful wife until he had someone else ready to fuck him.

And what with him having children, how does that fit with you not wanting any? If it all works out you will be a step mum and his wife will be in his life forever.

How old are the children?

How old are you?

Dump dump dump dump dump

Of course nothing he does can make his wife happy, she's married to a guy who has a bit on the side, and thinks everything is her fault. She doesnt want weekends away, she wants a loyal, trustworthy spouse. He cant give her that. Or you.

There is nothing about this guy worth having.

I guess there is one more thing you'll need to consider.

You don't want children. If you end up with this man you 'll be a stepmother. In many ways, that is much more challenging than being a mother. It's not a role that I would choose.

Some of you more recent posters need to RTFT. OP has said she is blocking him now and that she realises she has to turn off feelings, even though it's hard. Give her a break.

Sorry that this has happened to you, Green.
I have not read the whole thread, but agree with the necessity of complete detachment. It is difficult to endure the complete humiliation that you must be feeling. But you must own it, and resolve the course of action- in present and future- so it won't happen to you again. Minimizing, excusing, defending, justifying, etc are superficial band-aids that will only prolong your pain.
It was previously mentioned that you may not be his only "friend", so perhaps you should consider getting an STI check.

Glad you are walking away.

.

Rarely post, but had to comment on the incredible deception in not only hiding/lying his relationship with his wife, but his children too!

That, IMHO, takes a particular type of person. One who is selfish, self serving, manipulative, controlling, very unpleasant, and I suspect well practiced in deceit.

I hope you keep strong and continue to block him.

OP, I must apologise for my posts last night. I honestly began to think this was a wind up.
Please; whatever happens with his marriage, just walk away.
I know how hard it must be for you right now, but you must stay strong and make no contact whatsoever.
If his wife should contact you then by all means tell her the facts, after all you are a victim of his cruel game playing too.
You are, and never were the love of his life, I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but if he loved you he would have laid his cards on the table from day one.
You were simply a number in his little black book.
For what it's worth you have learned a valuable lesson about people, men in particular and you will recognise a love rat at a thousand paces.

Op I feel so sad for you that the man you love has treated you like this. You don't deserve it.

He couldn't commit to you
Then committed to someone else
Then let you think he was committing to you
Then deserted you in the street
Now is trying to say he's committed to you again.

I get the feeling that all you have wanted is his true commitment and this must be hurting so much.

His wife, kids and relationships with them are irrelevant here.
Everything you've told us about what he's done and said is about him and his life. Not you.
He's acted like you are someone to pick up and put down when convenient.
How he's treated YOU is awful and you deserve so much more.

I see this thread has gone fairly quiet now but just wanted to post to say good luck OP, stick to your current plan and spend lots of time with your friends.

Have been where you are it was horrendous - I couldn't reconcile this person I suddenly had proof he was with the person I thought I knew. As you've acknowledged, you just have to try and come to terms with it and move on.

Hopefully he'll get the hint and go away soon (perhaps to patch up his marriage, if it is indeed in the state he says). Keep your chin up and keep yourself out of the whole sorry mess. A few months on from mine I found out I was indeed not the first. You'll never know what actually goes on in his life, and it doesn't matter anyway because he's just not worth it.

Be glad you can get out and have the chance to meet a lovely bloke who treats you wonderfully in future.

Just returned home after a client dinner.

I didn't realise I'd upset so many people I apologise if what I relayed was uncomfortable to read.

I really appreciated all the advice here and my RL friends have been great and today everything started to sink in.

I haven't heard from him again and I won't be in London this weekend in case of any late night callers.

I am a mother & a wife Greene, you haven't upset me , I understand that sometimes it's easy to be blinded by love !

You must have been terribly shocked & I'm not surprised you were confused and running it through in your mind to make sense of it all for awhile .

Enjoy your weekend away after this stressful week .

Greene1 - thank you.

'Tis all that needs to be said.

Greene1 I think that everyone on here is most likely just outraged on your behalf at what a tosser he appears to be and worried that he will take advantage of your old feelings to worm his way back. Nobody wants to see you hurt further by him.

Many of us have been either the betrayed wife or the shocked OW in this scenario and we recognise the dreadful mishmash of feelings that it can cause.

I'm glad you have friends that are there for you. I hope you can put him behind you and move on to find someone better who respects you and treats you well. Someone that puts you first.

I don't think anyone is upset with you. More for you.

I was upset at your willingness to swallow whole the laughably 2D representation of his wife. That, and the assumption that by posting on MN you might catch some high-flyers-on-a-break in your net. It all looked rather as though you don't have much respect for women.

But, yes, an urgency that you don't swallow his shit; largely because there are very real casualties in this, his wife and kids. And you of course. But you wouldn't be the first to sail off with a MM giving no real thought to the criminal devastation left behind. Wife and kids may be a foreign country to you, at root, but you've posted on a site teeming with them - we're going to see things from their side.

Greene, I am sure you probably just want to shake the dust off your feet and move on, but if you are in any doubt, try having a look at the step-parenting boards on here.