Have discovered that the man I've been dating is actually married! Any advice?

[Greene1]

I haven't posted here before and wondered if I could ask some advice. I'm sorry but this is long.

I am completely devastated as on Friday the man I have been dating for 9 months confessed that he is already married and has children. I don't think he was actually going to tell me but a chance encountered forced him to.

Some background. We dated back in my mid twenties, very happy, passionate fun relationship and we were together for nearly 2 years. Kept our own flats but he was reluctant to commit as he felt he was too young. We split amicably but I was very hurt and took me ages to forget him and he told me later that he was moving abroad. I moved on too dated and then was in a long term relationship which finished at the beginning of last year.

On Christmas Eve 2013 I received a message out of the blue from married man. Very friendly wishing me a happy Christmas and asking what I had been up to. He told me he was living back in the UK working in town and was single after a relationship he was in had finished. Said he wished he was spending Christmas with me and that he had always viewed me as 'the one that got away'. I'll admit I was hugely flattered.

I was abroad for New Year and when I got back we arranged to meet for a coffee and a catch up. I'll admit I was wary as obviously I wasn't 100% sure of his status and obviously I am fully aware that some married men are looking for affairs!

When we met up the attraction was still there in spades I naively thought that the time would have muted the feeling but I was still hugely attracted to him and him to me. We had a kiss then and he asked me to dinner later in the week. There was at no time any indication that he was married and he wasn't wearing a ring. I was excited and exhilarated to have him back in my life and we started a very intense and passionate relationship seeing each other after work and he coming over to my flat at weekends. Maybe that's when the alarm bells should have rung as sometimes he would come over only on Sunday afternoon or would make an excuse that he had an early flight and had to leave that night not staying over. However I was happy to have him in my life and realised that he's a very busy guy, as am I!

We had a great summer I had already booked a girlie holiday late last year with friends so we didn't go on a 'big holiday' together but we spent some lovely nights away at hotels.

On Friday we had supper after work outside of a lovely restaurant and we were discussing going away for the weekend in October to Barcelona. He was telling me about a fabulous hotel he had stayed at with work and i felt excited and happy. I invited him to my parents for Christmas in the country which feels so ridiculous now I want to cry. As we were walking back to the train station holding hands we bumped into 2 ladies who I assumed were work colleagues. He introduced me to them as a his 'friend' and they seemed strangely off with me as we walked away he got very agitated saying that he wasn't expecting to see them and that it made things 'complicated'. He then looked really stressed and worried saying that he had to go and he would call me soon. He left me standing in the street completely perplexed and horrified that something was seriously wrong.

He telephoned me on Saturday night to say that he was married with 2 young children. He said that his marriage was over and he and his wife hadn't had sex for more than a year. He said that he had been patient and understanding with her but she refused to talk about it and see a sex therapist and had expected him to become celibate just because she had. He also said he had tried to organise weekends away child-free and helped out with housework but nothing seemed good enough or made her happy. He said she was exhausting to live with and seeing me again made him realise that their marriage was a mistake. I told him not to ring me again to sort out his marriage and not to prop his life up by using me.

He text me several times which I have deleted and have now blocked his mobile number. I have been a complete mess since he confessed and now don't know whether to tell his wife what has been going on or whether I should walk away and not get involved. I'm also wondering whether I should leave the door open if he separates soon.

i did ask why don't we go to his but he said his place was a soulless loft apartment and he preferred my cosy flat. He always said how he slept so well in my bed and his was too hard!

He's a successful guy with a busy career I guess I didn't want to be one of those women who tries to control everything. I was happy having him at mine and he always seemed at home.

If the children are very young they may not being having very much sex, or maybe not the sort of sex he wants. But that isn't necessarily NO sex. And anyway it's irrelevant, totally irrelevant. He is married and deliberately set up this situation with no thought of the the feelings and wants of his wife or of you. And told a heap of lies, probably to both of you.

Would you want a man like this?

RE Christmas HE LET YOU THINK HE WAS UP FOR IT!!. He let you go down that path in your mind and heart, knowing full well he wouldn't be there.

He really doesn't care for you beyond what he could get from you as a bit on the side.

And if he did leave his W, well you know what he would be up to if things started going wrong with you.

He didn't love you enough the first time around, he married someone else, he doesn't love you - he just loved that he could trick you into being an attractive, easy fun diversion from the rest of his life that e he was to cowardly to deal with.

Not a keeper.

He has done nothing but lie to you. Run away as fast as you can.

I bet my XH spun similar lies to his OW when, in fact, we were TTC another child.

maybe his wife doesn't want to sleep with him until he stops shagging around and she trusts him again?

maybe she is very tired being the sole night waker with young children, or knackered from looking after babies as a SP as her H is out busy leading a double life and feeding her lies?

You really don't know at all what is going on with her. Don't for a second think he can be trusted to represent that truthfully.

I think you have done the right thing by ending all contact with him.

I wouldn't even give headspace to thoughts of a relationship with him. I doubt very much that he will leave his wife. He had 9 months with you in which to leave his wife and he didn't, why would he leave her now?

You can't believe what he says about the state of his marriage. You will find loads of threads on this website by wives who have happy marriages and active sex lives with their husbands, only to find out that they have someone on the side. They sometimes even find evidence that the OW has been spun false stories like you have.

I wouldn't contact his wife either, I would just stay out of it.

I can totally understand why you are hurt but I think you have to try and view this situation as a lucky escape. You have escaped building a future with a man who thinks nothing of lying to his wife despite his wedding vows and thinks nothing of deceiving another women with shallow promises of a future which were never going to happen.

You deserve so much more then that. I hope their are much happier days around the corner for you.

my heart goes out to you and I think you should do whatever your heart tells you to.
If you want to give him the chance to explain, it may open your eyes to something you hadn't seen before.
From experience, the quickest and easiest way to get over someone is to cut them out of your life for good, you have to protect yourself.

As for telling his wife, the other ladies that you bumped into May do that.
I'm hoping that he will.
Deep down, what is your instinct screaming at you?

Wak away

Doesn't care? We were in a long term relationship before! I have no doubt that we have a deep connection.

This isn't a man that I met randomly on the net. We were very in love before but in hindsight we were too young to get married. It just wasn't the right time then I don't think it was because he didn't love me!

Everybody makes mistakes in life and maybe later on if he's divorced I might consider seeing him again.

Drop it like it's hot!

Your last post makes it sound like you're getting ready to continue this affair, tbh.

If you think that's all you're worth, go for it!

Just remember, if he ends it with his wife and moves on to you, you're just putting yourself right into her shoes.

Doesn't care? We were in a long term relationship before!
Yes and he married someone else!

But from that LTR, he knows you and you were easy to get "access" to when he wanted to spice up his life outside of his marriage. Much harder and more work for him to go out and find an affair partner from scratch.

Your previous LTR made you an easy target, not the love of his life.

Why do you believe someone who truly cares for you would lie to you and deceive you?

It sounds like you are going to wait for him OP.

I'm in my early 40's and have been with my hubby 20 years, no such thing as too young to get married if you really love each other, so don't kid yourself, you were an opportunity for a bit of time off from being a husband and father, and nothing more. It sounds harsh because it is, it's not a reflection on you as a person, it says everything about him though!

Absolutely not continuing this whilst he is still married.

On Saturday we had a long talk and he told me that he has never wanted children which he made clear when he married and his wife had harassed him into having one then said that she didn't want their child to grow up alone so had had another baby against his wishes by failing to take contraceptive.

During the pregnancy and when the child was born there was no sexual contact and he felt like he was being used to finance her ambition to be a stay at home mother.

She did not have to do much at home as he paid for a cleaner to come once a week and a lady to do the ironing. She had groceries delivered and had a mother's help to help with the children. He would cook and tidy up afterwards and also tidy the nursery but she kept shouting at him telling him things were put in the wrong place etc. then he was confined to the guest room!

I'm sorry I do have some sympathy is this is all true.

He is not the only man - there are literally millions and millions of them. You deserve one who treats you with respect by not lying to you and living with another woman.

What you thought you had does not exist because it was all lies on his part. Grieve for the lost relationship you thought you had but don't grieve for this liar who betrayed you, his wife and his children.

OK then, as you beleive she is an utter bitch and he is a poor put-upon man , i would tell her and let the chips fall where they may. He is clearly going to do this again, being a weak-willed spineless jellyfish. If he wasn't a WWSJ he would be asking her for a divorce.

All those nights in your cosy flat he was leaving his wife to cope with and look after the children alone. If she didn't feel like sex it's hardly suprising. He is scum.

Oh and there's the script. It will all be bollocks op. Maybe he does regret his lost carefree life and rather than dealing with it he looks elsewhere/runs away. It does happen for some weak men.

He didn't continue that first relationship with you though. 'Nearly two years' wasn't that long. It sounds more like a passionate affair than a long term love. He didn't want to settle down with you. Even now in the second relationship you've been the bit on the side not the love of his life. He's been lying to you for 9 months.

If you wait for him to divorce you might either be waiting forever or you might find he never gives you the consideration and respect you deserve.

It's so hard when the chemistry is so good.

He forgot to mention the pure gold diamond stuffed sofa she demanded he buy for her to lie on all day .....

Ah well if he didn't actually want the children he presumably had unprotected sex to conceive then it's fine if he neglects them to pursue nights and weekends away with you. I feel very sorry for his wife.

Honestly, you are kidding yourself.
But by all means, wait to see if he ditches his wife.
Assuming he does, by all means re-enter a relationship with him. And wait for the shock when he tells you that he was unhappy in it and found someone else. An ex he suddenly met. Maybe even his ex-wife.

He never committed in his med (late?) twenties because you were not the one.

So this is a man who is really successful in life and yet one woman bullied him into having not one but two children that he didn't want! And that his wife leads a life of luxury and idleness while he works terribly hard and she won't even put out.

FGS OP listen to yourself. This man has lied to your face for nine months! Why on earth do you believe any of that ^?!

If it's true that they were living separate lives in the same house, why didn't he tell you that from the beginning? How can he have had any sort of genuine intimate relationship with you for 9 months without mentioning the fact that he has children? You know nothing real about him.

And what a shitty way to behave towards/talk about his children. That alone makes him a vile man you want nothing to with IMO.