Family destroyed by secrets that aren't secret any more.

[chubbyhez]

I have 2 older sisters (technically half sisters although it's never been thought of like that). Mum was married, had them, divorced, met my dad, married, then had me. There's 10/11 years between us. Their bio dad was never around.

Great childhood, string family unit. All remained close even after moving out. Sister 1 living up the road from mum and dad. Sister 2 had I in neighbouring towns. Birthdays, Christmas, Sunday dinners all together, grandchildren at mum and dads lots.

It's all been a lie. Dad sexually abused (inappropriate touching on 3 occasions in one week) ds1 when she was 14 not long after I was born. She told ds2 about 15 years ago. Both of their husbands knew. Mum and I didn't until 2 weeks ago it all came out. Dad not denying, admits it was wrong, is ashamed.

Now it's like we've been blown apart. They (ds1 and 2) say they hate dad, always have (ds2 since finding out) but that doesn't make sense to me. They haven't kept any distance between them and dad. Have let him pay for weddings, cars, holidays, let him spend weekends fixing cars, went on holiday, bought him big presents - there's been no sign to mum or i that all was not well. He's a first class grandad to their kids, they've never made any attempt to keep him at arms length.

Now they're telling me they hate dad. They don't understand why I've been to see him,since finding out or why mum hasn't kicked him out.

I hate what he did. But he's not been,an out and out bastard all our lives. That would be easy.

rootypig and deepest could you maybe start a new thread or take it to pms, rather than derailing the thread?

This is by and for the OP who is in a lot of distress.

Roots I understand the definitions and I was a young girl of 13 when my father abused me, I have never thought by definition that he was a paedophile, I was someone under his control and I think he used the abuse as a form of control. He emotionally castrated my brother so he was too. I think he would be defined as a narcissistic personality probably. Ultimately it is just definitions which matter not at all to a young person, regardless of age, who has been abused by someone who they trust, love and expect to protect them - not abuse them. I am not sure definitions matter in the healing process - although of course we are all different.

spanky I have read 'toxic parents' it was a light bulb moment. I too recommend it.

As a victim of child abuse i find the soft handed approach to the abuser hard to swallow.

A child abuser is a child abuser which ever way you try and sugar coat it to make yourself feel better.

This is so awful, a waking nightmare. My heart goes out to you op.

In a very real sense, she, like you, has also lost the family she hoped to depend on for the rest of her life. Only it depended on her keeping the secret. It makes it so much worse for her that she was blackmailed into breaking it. On top of losing her family, she was the one who was abused. At 14 she probably wouldn't have had the knowledge or emotional resources to make the secret known: the consequences in a very real and primal sense were too great. So she very probably kept the secret, buried it (a device pertinent to many victims of abuse) hoping it would go away. It must have been a tremendous burden to bear. Your other sister, too. There are no winners in this

Back to the OP. when you contact your sister, I think you need to remember how fragile and scared she must be, and how much she needs you.

Take it slowly, you don't have to hash it all out now, and in supporting her you don't have to declare your hatred of your father, or make the conversation all about him. Just say the truth, you are shocked and it will take a long time for you to process all of this, but that what he did was very very wrong and youre horrified. And that you love her, and care for her, and hate that this happened to her.

But also that you have no idea where to go from here and you need time and help to work through it all.

And although it may seem that her abuse was far in the past for your perspective, but it may well seem very fresh and current for her - that's why abuse like this is so damaging, it can feel raw and current, even after a long time.

• you need to support her - clearly. You're in shock and your world has just been ripped apart... There isn't just one victim here, and there isn't a competition, or a situation where you can assign hero and villian roles to people (leaving your father aside for the moment as you're not really there in your journey yet).

• And you need to recognise she is the victim in two ways, first by her father, and then by her ex, who held this over her, then forced her to drop this bomb onto her family. She didn't want this situation, she didn't want this to happen, and she was powerless to stop it. Show her you know this.

• and you need to make sure she knows that you dont think she is the cause of this (whatever you're current feeling that you're not really in control of at the moment, you don't have to share that)

-Try and separate her from the way you're feeling - to avoid making her feel blamed and rejected from her own family. Try and separate yourself from what your mother is doing as well. The last thing your sister needs is to feel the family are closing ranks and rejecting her. Can you imagine how that would feel?

• I don't think you don't need to give direct actions or what you're going to do next planning, as you're in shock and you need therapy before you can work out anything. You shouldn't put your trauma onto her, but you shouldn't need to pretend its not a big deal for you and you need to share how shocked and shaken you are - by the situation, not by her.

It's ok to say 'you can't deal with that yet, you can't get your head around it, and that you're at the start of coming to terms with all this' That's why you're having councelling.

And finally I'd ask her if it's ok to come ask her questions about what happened after and how she felt over the years etc. but when you're at a stage in councelling when those answers will really help you.

Dont get trapped into giving answers that you're not ready for yet, and please don't say anything that makes her feel rejected, or blamed. She was forced into this situation, just as much as you. She's going to be so fragile, so vulnerable, please be very careful.

Oh OP I really feel for you. What an awful shock for you and your family, can't even imagine what it must be like for you.
I agree with other posters who have said you sound (without meaning to be) angry at your sister for blowing the happy family you thought you had apart.
It's incredibly hard to accept that your dad is not the man you thought he was.
How is your mum coping?

misc's advice is outstanding, please do think about what she's said

No one has been aggressive rootypig. But you are being offensive.

You're right. I never should have posted and I apologise.

Rooty please don't stop posting.

The word pedophile isn't really helpful to me right now. Whether that's what he is or not is by the by really.

misc's advice is very very good. agreed.

I did tell my sister when it all broke that no matter how it seemed that I wasn't angry at her.

I might think I am, I might even be, but I needed her to know that I wasn't

Exactly Chubbyhez well done.

This must be so hard for you

You are right at the beginning of a painful and healing journey, where you have to reconstruct your history and family and identity too. It's good to be up front to yourself about where you are on this path, but not necessary to share things with your sister that might harm her at this awful time, and are for you things that you need to work through and will change as time goes by.

You're doing so well in a dreadful situation

yes, you are. This has got to be one of the worst things anyone ever has to face.

Why are you angry at your sister? That is really unfair, she did nothing wrong.

I know that

• because emotions aren't logical or fair. Because the OP is facing a tremendous loss, trying to get her head around the fact that the close, loving family that brought her up was concealing an appalling secret. Suddenly the solid ground underneath her has turned into a swamp. SO MUCH of the way we think about ourselves and the world is rooted in our early experiences at home. Now what the OP thought about her world turns out to be a lie. This is an enormous thing to come to terms with. She's grieving, and don't we all know at this point that anger is one of the stages of grief.

So part of her wants to shoot the messenger, or it wants to know how the hell her sister could carry on letting her think she had a wonderful father, or she can't comprehend the fact that her sisters left her with this abuser when she was a child. And she knows none of that is fair, so she's not actually yelling at her sister. She's trying to SUPPORT her sister and talk out her feelings on this thread so that she can move through her shock and figure out where the hell to go from here. She's doing her damnedest to get this right.

Fgs, if emotions were always logical and fair, the world's therapists would all be out of a job.

What flappity says (wonderful name!)

also, chubby probably grew up seeing her father as a strong, maybe all powerful, loving man. Discovering these feet of black clay means reassessing absolutely everything. At some level, anyone in her position would fight that and rather see other people as having some blame rather than her loving father. It's part of the process, I think.

Yes Flappity has put it really well.

In this situation the OP needs to be able to understand all the jumbled emotions and if she isn't 'allowed' to feel whatever she's feeling, it will get even worse and even harder to move on and process all the strong and damaging stuff.

I'm so glad this thread has mostly turned into a supportive and helpful place, as it was getting really cruel at first.

How are you feeling chub. I'm sorry if I came across harsh the other day. It's a difficult subject for me not to be unbiased about.

How are things between your sister and father now.

One thing occurred to me and I don't want to upset you. Do you think she has been totally honest about the abuse. In that if she kept it to herself all these years but felt forced to have to tell do you think she may have minimised it.

I am wondering because if your father was an opportunist I would be surprised if it was only the once.

I know that doesn't really help you yourself in terms of how you are feeling. It just might help to chat with your sister if you can and get her full story. I'd hate for you to go through all this now then in the future find out more.