Family destroyed by secrets that aren't secret any more.

[chubbyhez]

I have 2 older sisters (technically half sisters although it's never been thought of like that). Mum was married, had them, divorced, met my dad, married, then had me. There's 10/11 years between us. Their bio dad was never around.

Great childhood, string family unit. All remained close even after moving out. Sister 1 living up the road from mum and dad. Sister 2 had I in neighbouring towns. Birthdays, Christmas, Sunday dinners all together, grandchildren at mum and dads lots.

It's all been a lie. Dad sexually abused (inappropriate touching on 3 occasions in one week) ds1 when she was 14 not long after I was born. She told ds2 about 15 years ago. Both of their husbands knew. Mum and I didn't until 2 weeks ago it all came out. Dad not denying, admits it was wrong, is ashamed.

Now it's like we've been blown apart. They (ds1 and 2) say they hate dad, always have (ds2 since finding out) but that doesn't make sense to me. They haven't kept any distance between them and dad. Have let him pay for weddings, cars, holidays, let him spend weekends fixing cars, went on holiday, bought him big presents - there's been no sign to mum or i that all was not well. He's a first class grandad to their kids, they've never made any attempt to keep him at arms length.

Now they're telling me they hate dad. They don't understand why I've been to see him,since finding out or why mum hasn't kicked him out.

I hate what he did. But he's not been,an out and out bastard all our lives. That would be easy.

OP is likely in a state if shock, it's almost like a bereavement, the death of the father she thought she had and part of bereavement is an anger stage. It's a very complex emotional time, I'm sure, and the anger seemingly directed at the sisters is probably nothing more than anger at the situation. After all these years of knowing the truth they have (quite rightly come out about it and) shattered her and their Mother's illusion of a perfect family life, the anger is aimed at that situation IMO. Let's not be too harsh on OP, only her Father is in the wrong in this situation. OP needs support, not criticism.

Have you ever stopped to think maybe your sister carried on with family life as though it never happened for so long because that was the only way she could deal with what happened to her?

I am sure that the media coverage post Savile has given victims/survivors the insight and confidence to speak out. This is a good thing. The most important person here is the victim .... what does she want?

Obviously she doesnt seek legal justice - you should be grateful to her for this if you want to avoid your family really falling apart.

Maybe she just wants empathy? to be heard? to be respected? ... I think that once you have come to terms with what has happened you should look to achieve some resolution in your family....put your petty feelings to one side you are not a victim - you are trying to minimise this...that is a real insult to the victim - do you have children - how would you feel if a daughter had to endure this. Did it end because she faught him off? said she would tell or spent the rest of her childhood skulking around in fear avoiding being alone with him?

Maybe you should listen to the impact on her.

Has your Dad apologised? explained?

your dad abused your sister and you're mad at her?

Seriously,rethink your perspective here.You sound rather self-centred.

Sorry OP but I find your attitude disgusting. Your sister was abused by your father. You express anger at them but not your father. From your posts it sounds like you don't believe her or that she is making a big deal about nothing or something very small.

I am nc with my family after outing my cousin for abusing me. Twenty years later. Many many abused children either never reveal it or reveal it later in life. My sympathy lies entirely with your sister and whilst I am sad for you on discovering your father is an abuser ultimately she is the one that has had to live with what he did.

By all means go for the counselling. Just make sure your anger directed at the right person.

Hi OP what a shock for you. I can relate as I had exactly the same experience as your DSis1 with my step father. When my mother had my half sister 11 years younger than me my step father also touched me I appropriately I think 2 or 3 times (kind of blanked it out so vague for a long time I thought I had imagined it)

I also detest him but those incidents are not the driving reasons. I have had no relationship with him since I was 20 when he divorced my mother and am very happy with this. My half sister doesn't know about it, nor my mother although my other sister (same father as me) does.

Do I think he has done this to anyone else hand on heart no I don't (before I am flamed this is my view) however he is generally not a good man and I watch his actions from afar as he does see my half sister and her children. She would be devastated if I told her it could possibly push her to a breakdown.

What I would say is that maybe you have seen your sisters relationship with your father through rose tinted spectacles. The tensions may always have been there. It's easy not to see them and perhaps these incidents aren't the only causes. I have never had a need for a father at any cost, I accepted as a child I didn't have one and always rejected the idea of SF as my dad. Perhaps they retained the need but struggled with the reality especially with the knowledge of what he had done. I don't know. But to be torn like that must be terrible and on the surface everything would probably seem normal, the turmoil would have been hidden

I read this and feel so mixed.

I was sexually abused for years by a long term foster brother (my parents adored him and he was a part of the family) I felt so ashamed and embarrassed at what was happening that I found it hard to tell anyone.

The mental torture was awful, I would try so hard to be his best friend so he wouldn't hurt me, then when that didn't work I would try and avoid him so he wouldn't hurt me, then he would get angry with me so I would go over the top to be nice to him. I never knew how best to act to keep myself safe.

I told my parents, and my mum and brothers feel very much like you do. It is my fault for causing the family upset, my behaviour was confusing, it causes hurt and problems for them and they are upset with me for causing it.

They still keep in touch with someone connected to him and who was also abusive, and honestly? I hate them for it.

These "incidents" that were years ago are like bombs. They affect every aspect of your life in every insidious manner.

Your dad is a cowardly bastard who has destroyed lives, I am sorry you are hurting and going through this, I truly am, but really? You and your mum are as bad as him for condoning his behaviour.

I'm as bad as him? My feelings are petty?

I can't cope with this.

I'm not condoning his behaviour. It's fucking disgusting.

Of course I'm devastated for my sister. She's carried this all her life.

But I can't see things in black and white. I can't forget the 34 fantastic years my dad's given me, given all of us.

And I know at the root of it all is what he did.

And do you really think I've sat ny sisters down and said all this? These are the thoughts I'm struggling with myself. I don't understand a lot, I'm not going to tell them that. All they know is that I've seen my dad since finding out. Of course I'm fucking angry at him. That's easy, I understand that feeling. I can't make sense of the rest of my feelings - petty or otherwise.

Your poor mum too :(

Jesus fucking Christ!!

Your dad SEXUALLY ABUSED your sister, and you are getting pissy about the way she handled it?!?!?!?!?!?

Your dad doesn't even deny it!!!

Jesus mother of pearl, no wonder she kept it a secret.

My only sympathy is with your sister.

You sound genuinely angry that you are being put in this situation - how about when your dad was molesting your 14 year old sister? How's that for a shitty situation to be put in?

Your dad is a paedophile. Minimising that by saying "well he's not been a bastard our whole lives" rather misses the fucking point.

Why can't you see in black and white. There is no grey area when it comes to child abuse. Suppose you had a dd and found out your dad abused her. Would you still be saying it's not black and white.

I know it's been a shock for you. I know what it's like to discover someone you adore is not the person you thought they were.

But child abuse is child abuse. That's it. If you want to forgive him be prepared for the fact your sister may cut you off. Like I did my family.

OP please don't pay too much heed to those who direct their own issues against your turmoil.

As I said I have chosen not to tell my sister. However, that was my choice to make. Your sister had a right to express herself and likewise you have every reason to question your past and every relationship you have had with your family members.

You are, in your own way, a victim in this situation. Take time, try not to rush to any judgement of your sisters' reactions, they are still your sisters and they have lived with a burden for such a long time. You will find your way through

I've made a mistake posting.

I can barely cope with this.

chubby someone who's been in the situation of direct victim speaks from raw pain, as I'm sure you can see. Please don't take it personally.

Right now you're in shock. Real, serious shock. 2 weeks ago is a very short time. Your sisters have lived with this for 15 years. You've had all of 14 days, and this with a father you love and trusted.

Have you got someone irl you can talk to about all this? it's going to be a rough ride for a long time to come. Never the same again.

The blame for all of this lies with your dad, not your sisters.

Why can't I see in black in white? I don't know why I can't. I guess that would be easy.

Chubbyhez - sorry for losing my rag a bit, but from an outside perspective this is quite shocking.

Do you have children yourself?

Because if you do, you are going to have to put them first now, regardless of how much you love your father.

You seem to be focusing all your anger on your sisters rather than your father. It's not them that put the bomb under your family life.

Why did they behave the way they did? Why did they not take a strong stand against him? Because that's what abused children do to keep the peace and protect the family: carry on as if nothing had happened.

Like you they have conflicting feelings about your dad.

Criticising them for not behaving the way you think a stereotypical sex abuse vicitms should behave is not fair.

We all have children who spend many days and nights with my parents. Ds1's children have been at ny parents house several times since this came out.

Do you not believe your sister op? Is that why you're questioning her actions like this?

I don't disbelieve it at all. I have no reason to. My dad admitted to it, spoke to me about it. She has not been doubted at all. There's nothing to doubt. It happened.