Family destroyed by secrets that aren't secret any more.

[chubbyhez]

I have 2 older sisters (technically half sisters although it's never been thought of like that). Mum was married, had them, divorced, met my dad, married, then had me. There's 10/11 years between us. Their bio dad was never around.

Great childhood, string family unit. All remained close even after moving out. Sister 1 living up the road from mum and dad. Sister 2 had I in neighbouring towns. Birthdays, Christmas, Sunday dinners all together, grandchildren at mum and dads lots.

It's all been a lie. Dad sexually abused (inappropriate touching on 3 occasions in one week) ds1 when she was 14 not long after I was born. She told ds2 about 15 years ago. Both of their husbands knew. Mum and I didn't until 2 weeks ago it all came out. Dad not denying, admits it was wrong, is ashamed.

Now it's like we've been blown apart. They (ds1 and 2) say they hate dad, always have (ds2 since finding out) but that doesn't make sense to me. They haven't kept any distance between them and dad. Have let him pay for weddings, cars, holidays, let him spend weekends fixing cars, went on holiday, bought him big presents - there's been no sign to mum or i that all was not well. He's a first class grandad to their kids, they've never made any attempt to keep him at arms length.

Now they're telling me they hate dad. They don't understand why I've been to see him,since finding out or why mum hasn't kicked him out.

I hate what he did. But he's not been,an out and out bastard all our lives. That would be easy.

Bloody hell deepest, I think we get the message now. It's really not the OP's fault, any of this. You're doing more harm than good.

OP, I think the world of my dad and if something like this came out and he admitted it I wouldn't know whether I was on my head or my heels. Your heart must be breaking for your sister, but at the same time it must be impossibly hard to believe (although it's true of course), and you don't want to say goodbye to your relationship with your father. You thought you had a happy family, and it turns out you never did have, really - it's sickening.

I do think your first priority has to be letting your sister know that you unreservedly believe her, and that you will continue to have the same relationship with her and her children. Same goes for your other sister. This has all just come out - they must be holding their breath to see whether you and your mum will turn against them for speaking out rather than putting the blame where it belongs, with your dad. You must make sure that they get a very clear message that that won't happen. I think it too often does happen, with people who speak out against abuse.

I have to say though, it is too much for your sisters to ask of you, to cut your dad out of your life completely and at once, without having time to absorb it all. Especially if (have I got this right?) they are still sending their kids over to see your parents? Are they expecting their kids to keep up a relationship with him, but you aren't supposed to, because you know the truth?

You don't know how you'll feel about this tomorrow, or in a week, or a year. Things will change, no doubt. If you decide to keep some relationship with your dad though, I think it would be unfair of your sisters to turn against you for that, providing you accept their decision not to have anything to do with him.

captainfracasse that is exactly the point I was trying *and failing) ti make

Yes mum is still there with him

Your dad was pretty evil under this facade of being 'good'. Maybe he really is not that great a dad you think. Take those rose tinted glasses off and you might find a very different, selfish monster there.

It must have ripped your world apart, your family, your history and the identities of those you love. It's massive. Glad you're getting councelling as you have so much to process.

I can understand your knee jerk reaction is to blame your sister for telling now and 'causing' this. But when you calm down you'll see that your sister has been a victim for years and years, and there is no fault there. I think it's easier to blame your sisters than your dad as the family and your relationships wouldn't be effected in the same way. But that's not fair or true, and hopefully the councelling will help you see that and evolve your feelings somewhat.

The fact that your sister has been blackmailed by her ex for years and only told when he forced her too - well that's awful, massive massive massive deal for her. Blame him for continuing the abuse of your sister too.

Victims often feel to blame, and they feel in the wrong and cover it up to try and pretend it never happened. And to try and deny their feelings of blame.

Slightly beside the point but the definition of paedophile is not actually as clear-cut as implied here.

In psychiatry the definition applies to people who are abnormally sexually attracted to prepubescent children, generally 13 or younger.

In contrast to the clinical definitions, the legal definition of paedophilia in the UK is both more vague and more stringent: current sex offence laws define paedophilia as a sexual relationship between an 'adult' over the age of 18 and a 'child' under the age of 16. Children under the age of 13 are deemed unable to give consent, thus sex with a child of this age is automatically rape.

Also I think it is understandable that you feel like you were lied to in some way, by your dad and by both your sisters and their husbands. Totally understandable why your sisters would do this, but you were kept in the dark and given decades to build up a particular idea of your family life, which it turns out wasn't true at all. You shouldn't be angry with them of course, you'll be too compassionate to do that anyway, but you have been allowed to believe things (watching your dad involved in your sisters' weddings, playing with his children etc) that were based on a false assumption - that your dad had never harmed any of you, and that your sisters loved him just like you did.

I geel such a fool thinking about all the hours I spent with my sister's and bil's having a drink and a laugh. Even laughing about dad and his ways. They knew.

chubbyhez, these things stir up feelings that you won't find admirable or acceptable in yourself. you've got 'why did she do this?'. watch out for the 'why her? why was he more interested in her than me?' that one makes people feel pretty bad.

currently, I have seventy year old aunt who denies any sexual abuse by her father (who abused her sister, my mum), when my dad actually witnessed situations which suggested the aunt was abused. people close their minds to bad things, in order to cope.

its going to take you ages to get your head round this. what your dad did was not your fault. get some help. see the gp and ask for counselling asap.

It is worse because I'm half of him.

Hi all, just posting to say that this thread has been reported a number of times already. We do appreciate that this issue can be hugely upsetting, but could we ask you to bear in mind that this is the Relationships board, an area traditionally associated with a more gentle approach to supporting our members?

Thanks. I've not reported, but I'm just not ready for the tough talking. When I am I'll post in aibu!

I understand this comment 'because I'm half of him'. And because you are half of him it's possible your DM and other adults will never understand the depth of feeling of hurt and disillusion that you and your sisters are trying to come to terms with.

It will take years to work through this.

I wonder if there is something in your DF's childhood which might have caused this tendency. If there was something such as abuse which happened to him, it might then make it a little easier to accept and you might feel less angry with him. Maybe at some point you can look into this.

Counselling and time will be the real healer.

I think I feel responsible in some way because biologically he's my dad. Not theirs.

I've thought about why as well and wondered about that. I don't know if I could cope knowing that my grandmother or grandfather had abused him. They are on a pedestal all f their own. Dead now but I idolized them.

You are not half of him, chubby. You're all of you.

You may have been brought up by your dad - you may care about him - but you can choose what of his input you keep and what you reject.

His choices were his - they were not biological, but to do with his character, his predilections and his experiences. You don't carry that inside you, and you certainly weren't responsible for it.

chubby if it's any help a lot of us have parents who are ... er this is going to sound dramatic ... but are the sort of people who live in our deepest nightmares. unfortunately, literally; the sort who, when we wake up at 4am, leave us sweating with cold horror.

It is not our shame and we are not condemned by our parents' actions. It can feel that way, but we're not.

Meekra I'm sorry I don't understand.

I think she means that some people have parents who are truly truly terrifying people, committing awful crimes, but their children are not the same as, or even similar to, their parents in terms of behaviour. I know more people than I like to count whose parents beat them up as kids, none of them are violent people at all, for example.

Chubby, some of the responses here are horrid but I imagine come either from places of personal anguish and projected, or a daily fail mentality, so I hope you can not take them to heart.
This is all so raw, you must be in utter turmoil and questioning everything. You've been really brave posting and being honest - it's ok to ask the 'wrong' questions first.. This is definitely best talked through over time with a counsellor who specialises in abuse--I hope that's what you get.
Take care of yourself, thinking of you, your mum and your sisters.

And you're not him. I think everyone who has a parent who is abusive (in any way) worries about this though :(

Chubby, some if these responses are really rough towards you, that is unfair. It's natural that your loyalties will feel torn as your Father has done nothing to you personally and yet you know what he has done and want to
Support your sisters.

I really do feel for you, it must be such a confusing and traumatic time. You should be able to post and get support but I'm not surprised you feel you've made a mistake with that. You're really not getting the compassion you need. I wouldn't blame you if you hid this post but I wish all of you (you, your sisters and Mum) concerned the recovery you need and good luck with your counseling.

I'm still here. Glutton for punishment!

I'd like to say thanks to everyone for taking the time to reply.

It's really helpful. I'm struggling with the feelings I feel I shouldn't have.

Chubby, I hope to god I'm never in your position but I have recently struggled with horrible feelings in another family situation. I think maybe the inner child kicks in.

I'm sure your inner thoughts will stay inner and you'll do the right thing and support your sisters (and find some support for yourself, I hope).

WRT your dad. I know it's far easier to say 'cut him off' than to do it, but one question I was imagining I'd have to face in your shoes: do you think you'd ever be able to look at him again and NOT picture him abusing your sister? Especially if he's with your DC as they grow?