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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Family destroyed by secrets that aren't secret any more.

201 replies

chubbyhez · 13/08/2014 11:30

I have 2 older sisters (technically half sisters although it's never been thought of like that). Mum was married, had them, divorced, met my dad, married, then had me. There's 10/11 years between us. Their bio dad was never around.

Great childhood, string family unit. All remained close even after moving out. Sister 1 living up the road from mum and dad. Sister 2 had I in neighbouring towns. Birthdays, Christmas, Sunday dinners all together, grandchildren at mum and dads lots.

It's all been a lie. Dad sexually abused (inappropriate touching on 3 occasions in one week) ds1 when she was 14 not long after I was born. She told ds2 about 15 years ago. Both of their husbands knew. Mum and I didn't until 2 weeks ago it all came out. Dad not denying, admits it was wrong, is ashamed.

Now it's like we've been blown apart. They (ds1 and 2) say they hate dad, always have (ds2 since finding out) but that doesn't make sense to me. They haven't kept any distance between them and dad. Have let him pay for weddings, cars, holidays, let him spend weekends fixing cars, went on holiday, bought him big presents - there's been no sign to mum or i that all was not well. He's a first class grandad to their kids, they've never made any attempt to keep him at arms length.

Now they're telling me they hate dad. They don't understand why I've been to see him,since finding out or why mum hasn't kicked him out.

I hate what he did. But he's not been,an out and out bastard all our lives. That would be easy.

OP posts:
deepest · 13/08/2014 16:55

These are the best things you can do at this time:

Put the victims pain above your own distress.

Find the strength and focus to prioritize showing her support, empathy and respect - listen to her now.

Encourage your Mother to prioritize showing her daughter support, empathy and respect.

Progress with counselling at the same time and don't take sides.

CaptainFracasse · 13/08/2014 16:55

martha there is no textbook for the OP or her dsis. That means it's ok for her dsis to feel hurt that she isn't choosing not to speak to her dad atm. And it's ok for her to feel hurt that she feels pushed to do wthay when she usnt ready.

See? It works both ways. And that's what makes the process so hard for all the parties involved. Because it's easy for one to say 'you should have done X. It's do obviously the right answer. ' and for the other to say the same thing for exactly the same thing.

IMO the ONE thing to remember us that they are all VICTIMS and are all allowed time to grieve the dad they thought they had.

Mabelface · 13/08/2014 16:56

No one knows how they would react until it happens to them.

rootypig · 13/08/2014 16:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

4boysxhappy · 13/08/2014 17:02

Oh dear there are some daily mail thinkers on here.

Apparently only the victim is allowed to have feelings and nobody else is allowed to hurt or be confused.

Right firstly so sorry you have had your family turned upside down.

You sound like you a very level person. You are allowed to feel what ever you like. However your sisters are too. I can imagine they do still love him as they always have. The whole how society says they should feel has got to them. Does not sound like they hate him to me. Not that I can say how anyone else feels.

Early days you all need time. Police will get called at some point. Afraid that is where this is heading. Try to stay strong xxx

middlethird · 13/08/2014 17:02

Nice one rooty on both counts.

chubbyhez · 13/08/2014 17:05

Why is that where this is heading? I really couldn't take that. Oh god

OP posts:
AdamLambsbreath · 13/08/2014 17:05

Chubby: I really, really think you need to get rid of this thread.

You can report it to MNHQ and I don't doubt they'd be happy to nix it for you.

If you'd like you can take a note of names you think have been helpful and ask if you can PM them.

I would be very happy to give you advice on how to find a qualified therapist, for example.

There are some things that crowdsourcing doesn't work for. Your feelings fall under that list. You are getting an unwarranted pasting here, from the kind of people who will actually write 'I don't see what's so hard' about a fucking sexual abuse situation. Being subjected to this will be doing extra damage on top of the turmoil you're already suffering.

I'm sorry

Thanks
rootypig · 13/08/2014 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kaykayblue · 13/08/2014 17:07

Rootypig - Okay. I will correct myself.

The OP's father is a hebephiliac. Though I'm sure this minute change of terminology wouldn't affect any of the mother's here if any adult sexually molested their 13/14 year old daughters.

Oblomov · 13/08/2014 17:09

I posted before. About people giving OP the support she needs.
Please be careful of your posting style. Or else I'll start reporting to MN.

We don't want to add 'bullying on MN' to the list if OP's problems.

4boysxhappy · 13/08/2014 17:10

Sorry don't mean to upset you.

I just can't see that this coming out at this moment in time is not going to end up in court.

rootypig · 13/08/2014 17:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

deepest · 13/08/2014 17:15

My advice was not to belittle the OP - but is to help her situation to not get any worse that it already is in the emotional fallout - ie loosing her sisters and dn&ns.

chubbyhez · 13/08/2014 17:18

It came out now as she was backed into a corner by someone she had trusted and told. Either she told or they would. Which is horrific but she wasn't ready to tell. She was forced into it. I ache when I think about that and how long this person has held that over her. I'm proud she took that power away from this person. Her exH. It's basically the trump card he's been holdingoon to all these years.

OP posts:
rootypig · 13/08/2014 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rootypig · 13/08/2014 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chubbyhez · 13/08/2014 17:25

No we've not talked about that.

OP posts:
deepest · 13/08/2014 17:26

Why dont you choose to put it in context??

I am sure that the media coverage post Savile has given victims/survivors the insight and confidence to speak out. This is a good thing. The most important person here is the victim .... what does she want?

Obviously she doesnt seek legal justice - you should be grateful to her for this if you want to avoid your family really falling apart.

Maybe she just wants empathy? to be heard? to be respected? ... I think that once you have come to terms with what has happened you should look to achieve some resolution in your family....put your petty feelings to one side you are not a victim - you are trying to minimise this...that is a real insult to the victim - do you have children - how would you feel if a daughter had to endure this. Did it end because she faught him off? said she would tell or spent the rest of her childhood skulking around in fear avoiding being alone with him?

Maybe you should listen to the impact on her.

Has your Dad apologised? explained?

chubbyhez · 13/08/2014 17:28

None of it sounds any better in context

OP posts:
Oblomov · 13/08/2014 17:29

Deepest, whilst your concern for the sister, who is the victim, is commendable, it is not the sister that is the OP.
We all have sympathy for the sister.
But
Please help the OP with her specific problems.

deepest · 13/08/2014 17:36

I think the biggest issue facing the OP is the loss of her sisters - that is what I am trying to prevent happening for her. The abuse has happened that damage has been done - she needs to look to salavage what is left of her family

UptheAnty · 13/08/2014 17:37

Chubby,

Flowers

Please take your time to process all this new information, you will not feel in control for a while.

You are probably in shock but unfortunately everything has changed now and there is no unknowing what you now know.

Why did your dad confess?
Is there a possibility of more dc who he could have hurt?
You must stop your dc from being around him unsupervised.

Please try to resist your natural instinct to minimise & sweep under the rug..... Nothing will ever be the same again.
You have to protect your dc.

Please reach out to your sister however tentatively you can at the moment she will be very scared and probably lonely and needing reassurance of her family's love for her.

Is your mum still in the family home with your father?

saltnpepa · 13/08/2014 17:39

How awful. I'm afraid no matter how brilliant a Dad he was in other ways, a brilliant Dad does not sexually abuse his daughters. Please don't leave your children with him. It must feel like a nightmare you want to wake up from.

CaptainFracasse · 13/08/2014 17:39

deepest come on, the OP has clearly explained that her dsis did it because she forced to do it by her exh. Not because she wanted to! So putting things into context, the Saville stuff didn't really have an effect.

And does it make it better or easier? I'm not sure tbh.

OP maybe this isctomevfir you to talk to your dsis about the abuse and how she feels about having been forced to tell everyone. Let her talk about it and explain how she feels. Listen to her. And then tell her what you have told us. That you are angry at your dad for doing what he did, that you are devastated by the news as it changes everything you though was set in stone. That you are struggling to process it and you are lost.
Tell her you will need time to adjust to it just as I am sure she will need time but your relationship beetwo go you two is very important to you too.

You can only take it one day at a time and avoid hurting other peoe that are dear to you, ie both your dsis and your mum.
Then use the counselling to work out your feelings about it rather than talking about it with your dsis. But do listen to them if they want to talk to you about it.
In time, things will get a bit clearer as to what to do and how you feel about it.

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