Family destroyed by secrets that aren't secret any more.

[chubbyhez]

I have 2 older sisters (technically half sisters although it's never been thought of like that). Mum was married, had them, divorced, met my dad, married, then had me. There's 10/11 years between us. Their bio dad was never around.

Great childhood, string family unit. All remained close even after moving out. Sister 1 living up the road from mum and dad. Sister 2 had I in neighbouring towns. Birthdays, Christmas, Sunday dinners all together, grandchildren at mum and dads lots.

It's all been a lie. Dad sexually abused (inappropriate touching on 3 occasions in one week) ds1 when she was 14 not long after I was born. She told ds2 about 15 years ago. Both of their husbands knew. Mum and I didn't until 2 weeks ago it all came out. Dad not denying, admits it was wrong, is ashamed.

Now it's like we've been blown apart. They (ds1 and 2) say they hate dad, always have (ds2 since finding out) but that doesn't make sense to me. They haven't kept any distance between them and dad. Have let him pay for weddings, cars, holidays, let him spend weekends fixing cars, went on holiday, bought him big presents - there's been no sign to mum or i that all was not well. He's a first class grandad to their kids, they've never made any attempt to keep him at arms length.

Now they're telling me they hate dad. They don't understand why I've been to see him,since finding out or why mum hasn't kicked him out.

I hate what he did. But he's not been,an out and out bastard all our lives. That would be easy.

I think we need to be gentle with OP and show her the support she deserves.

No one. No one is condoning abuse.

But OP came here for support. Let's give it to her.

If I knew what the right thing to do was I would be doing it.

No one's talking.

I was sick with fear my dad was going to kill himself. That was my first concert. I'm a fucking awful person.

The sound advice (which is support) that the OP has been given is to have some empathy and respect, to put her own feelings in perspective alongside those of the victim - and then after absorbing the shock look to keep what family she has left together - not get angry with the victim or minimise the impact this had on her.

But I'm no where near even making sense of my own feelings

OP maybe go and see a counsellor and hide this thread.

A lot if the posters here don't seem to be able to see that you are a VICTIM in all that too. That you've lost your dad, that you've lost 34 years of your life because it just wasn't what you thought it was. That you feel torn apart in different directions. Between supporting your sisters and your mum but still seen your dad as you use to. Because the reality is that he still is that too. But not just that.

I'm amazed at the lack if compassion coming out on here. At no point did you say you were supporting your dad for what he has done. What you say is that it's hard to see him as a sexual abuser whilst in some ways he is still the dad you love.
And let's remember, victims of abuse still do love the father who abuse them. So why should it be impossible for you to do that too? Why is 'forbidden' to you but understandable that your dsis did and struggled for 20 years with his love/hate situation?

I also think that your dsis have had years to get their head around what has happened. They also struggled with the news for years. But for you, it's all new and it's only fair to let you digest what has happened.
Nowadays, sexual abuse like this is so grown upon that it us expected that the abuser will be cut out by all the relatives. That it's such an awful crime that they can not and will never be trusted for anything else ever.
I don't think that reflects the reality and the complexity if the situation. How difficult it is fir all the people involved to get their head around the 'good' dad and the 'bad' dad.
Because clearly the ds1 has been abused so is a victims but so us ds2 and you and your mum. The difference between what is happening to you and dsis2 is timing. And that is an important factor to take into account.

You have had 2 weeks -- if someone had been hurt in an accident would you wait weeks to come to terms with your own feelings before visiting offering support.

Do something positive for your sister now. Pop round, send flowers -

Get over myself?

Chubby, some of the reactions you've had on here are sodding awful. I'm sorry. That's not how everyone sees you, I promise. It's simply not possible to issue an accurate sweeping judgement on your character from a few Internet posts.

The situation you're in is horrendous, complicated and will take a very very long time to resolve.

Your feelings are going to be mixed, to say the least. That doesn't make you an awful person. It makes you human.

I would strongly recommend seeing a professional: I saw a psychotherapist about abuse issues in my own family, and it was incredibly helpful. You need a non-judgemental space in which you can express everything you feel and work it through, where nothing is unsayable. Being told you 'can't' or 'shouldn't' feel certain things when you're traumatised is less than helpful.

I don't think you sound like someone who hates her sisters. I think you sound like someone who's just had her life blown to bits. I'd guess you will act sensitively towards your sisters, and that you will all be able to support one another. I hope so.

And yes, maybe hide this thread. I suspect it's doing you more harm than good.

That should be some victims still love their father captain. Some also wouldn't piss on them if they were in fire.

I've been lucky enough to have been a victim of abuse and also to be closely related to an abuser and victim. When I found out the brother I adored was abusing the other brother I adored I was heartbroken. How could my big funny kind smart brother have hurt my vulnerable gentle littler brother. My blood brother as my eldest was a step brother.

It took me a long time to come to terms with it. It's perfectly okay to love your father OP. My own counsellor explained that to me. You can love someone and also actually hate them at the same time. Different sides of them.

For myself abuse will always be abuse. There are no reasons or excuses or explanations that will ever ever make it okay to me. And I do wish more of the world was like that too. Then maybe more victims would come forward and the perpetrators might think harder before forcing themselves on defenceless children.

But that's my own opinion and maybe I am being unreasonable towards you OP with regard to that.

Counselling did help me and hopefully will be of help to you.

I don't think that any if the posters screaming that the OP is the most awful person in the world to feel lost have actually being in that situation. If they had, maybe they would be a bit more compassionate.

If anyone has the textbook on how to deal with this pleas pass it on to me.

I don't think that the OP is saying that what her dad did was okay though.
She is saying that she feels hurt. And that she feels hurt to have to take sides and chose to hate her dad less that 2 weeks after learning about it.
Even though as you said, it's normal to love and hate the perpetuator.

I suspect she would like not to have to take sides. To be there for her dsis1 and to continue living the dad she has always known.
I suspect she would like the time to process this horrible news and to decide what to do next and she wants to handle it. Not to feel forced upon to stop seeing her dad ever again by her dsis2 when she has had no time to start processing it.
It is fair enough for her dsis2 to feel things are quite clear cut but why us it suppose to be so clear cut for the OP when it's all so raw??

There are no textbooks sadly. Talk to your sister. Explain how you are feeling. I do feel honesty is important.

I asked my brother for the truth. Did he abuse my other brother. Yes he did but he called it experimentation. Believe it or not both my brothers actually lived together for a few years in their later teens. Despite one abusing the other. I remember being unable to get my head around that. I'd been abused and there is no way in hell I would be within a hundred miles of him.

But every victim deals with things in the ways that make life bearable for themselves.

It just shouldn't happen. In an ideal world. Talk to your sister. Talk to your father. Go for counselling. Then maybe you will feel in a position to work out what's best for you.

There's no textbook, and I would look at counselling for you to help you work through your feelings. There's no right or wrong way to feel, as the feelings are yours and yours only. Your dad is not the man you thought he was and you're grieving for that.

I git a letter through I start counselling in 2 weeks. Ds1 has had several lots of counselling over the years, we're looking into something more specialised for mum and ds2 won't entertain the idea.

I don't know if this will help.

It's my own thread regarding my father.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2139754-What-do-you-think-about-this

Can't make it clicky sadly. In fact feel free to check my older threads if you would like. A lot are to do with abuse and maybe some of the replies from other posters would help.

But that's the point OP. You seen to think that your sisters should give a textbook response. You must realise that there is no black or white.

I dont see what is so hard?

Your dad molested a young girl.He may of done it to others.

I wouldnt want to see him ever again,nor would i let my children near him.I would also contact the police and ss,if your sister is still letting her kids round there unsupervised then ss should know, they could be in danger.

The OP is trying to make sense of her feelings - she does not deserve a fucking bashing. Fuck sake.

OP, I feel for you. I hope counselling helps, I truly do.

Bully for you. You sound like you've got it all figured out.