Family destroyed by secrets that aren't secret any more.

[chubbyhez]

I have 2 older sisters (technically half sisters although it's never been thought of like that). Mum was married, had them, divorced, met my dad, married, then had me. There's 10/11 years between us. Their bio dad was never around.

Great childhood, string family unit. All remained close even after moving out. Sister 1 living up the road from mum and dad. Sister 2 had I in neighbouring towns. Birthdays, Christmas, Sunday dinners all together, grandchildren at mum and dads lots.

It's all been a lie. Dad sexually abused (inappropriate touching on 3 occasions in one week) ds1 when she was 14 not long after I was born. She told ds2 about 15 years ago. Both of their husbands knew. Mum and I didn't until 2 weeks ago it all came out. Dad not denying, admits it was wrong, is ashamed.

Now it's like we've been blown apart. They (ds1 and 2) say they hate dad, always have (ds2 since finding out) but that doesn't make sense to me. They haven't kept any distance between them and dad. Have let him pay for weddings, cars, holidays, let him spend weekends fixing cars, went on holiday, bought him big presents - there's been no sign to mum or i that all was not well. He's a first class grandad to their kids, they've never made any attempt to keep him at arms length.

Now they're telling me they hate dad. They don't understand why I've been to see him,since finding out or why mum hasn't kicked him out.

I hate what he did. But he's not been,an out and out bastard all our lives. That would be easy.

elephants thanks. You put it way better than I did!

You are in denial.

I'm not denying anything.

I think she's in shock, not denial.

there's an old phrase, chubby ... "there are no wrong feelings, only wrong actions". might not be entirely true, but there's a lot to it.

I think I feel responsible in some way because biologically he's my dad. Not theirs

Responsible and perhaps tainted? None of it was your fault. None. You aren't to blame for it happening, for not 'seeing through' your Dad's niceness to the bad behaviour. It was kept from you.

I would imagine you are also nervous about your mum's role. Did she know? Did she keep quiet? Did she notice something she should have followed up on but kept her head in the sand because she needed a husband and had a new baby? Sadly, some mothers do include their daughters in the deal when they get a new man. I'm not saying any of this really applies to your mum, but its the sort of thing that people worry about when they discover similar situations.

Whatever emerges, whatever the fallout, you are completely innocent. And in shock. Do ask for help in rl.

No I'm confident mum had no idea.

Chubby you must be feeling very raw.

This is too close for you to be able to be objective in any way.

I absolutely get the shame thing, unfortunately and it is a horrible feeling. You might know intellectually it is not your fault or anything to do with you but your emotions will be going in all directions.

In my experience, people want to deny what happened because they want that conventional happy family. They protect themselves (and stop themselves from having to look at what has happened, which is unbearable) by carrying on as if nothing DID.

You have had a terrible shock and are very vulnerable.

Forgive my presumption, are you going to get some help, a safe place where you can talk about this and get some confidential support from a professional?

Yes I self referred to a local organisation that offers counselling. I have an 8 week initial block starting in a couple of weeks. Is that what you mean or is there something or someone else I should be speaking to?

I had an initial consultation at referral stage so they do know the basics.

I am glad you are getting help. I just meant a safe place where you can talk about this in confidence with someone professional who will support you.

You might need a bit longer than 8 weeks. I really hope it is helpful.

I hope they can give you a safe place to talk

Chubby . My heart goes out to you and your family dealing with this.

chubby what a horrible situation.

I can see why your confused. I was abused when I was around nine by a family member I still see now. Family gatherings ect.. He will always make a bee lind to give me a big bear hug. He laughs and jokes as if nothing happened but the worst thing is I smile and go along.

It would kill my grandmother and be like a bomb going off in our family. At the age of nine I was well aware of what would happen. It effected my sexual relations with partners as I got older, went for some councilling but I didn't really talk about it. It effected me in so many different ways.

If it ever come out or I was brave enough to point the finger, I would never speak to him again. I don't know if I would want to open that can of worms though as I've buried it far away.

Please try and out your confusion to the side a little and really support your sister. She will be feeling, scared, guilty, angry, alone and many more. Now it out in the open she might start feeling repressed emotions and really need you.

[flower]

rootypig this man IS a paedophile so why are you getting so het up with what kaykayblue said?

OP I am so sorry for this. It is not your fault. You can't help who your father is but you have to make your own future now and not do what others want you too. You can remember the good times but they are your good times, not your sister's. They had a shit time.

I don't know how one can continue having an authentic and loving relationship with a perpetrator that has done such a crime. 14 years old and your own step child. Once you come up terms with it, your relationship with your dad will inevitably change.
I don't think I could ever trust him again and with broken trust, comes q broken relationship. Do what you want to move on but somehow, you need to come to terms today your dad is not the decent authentic man you thought he was.

I think one thing that some people I've encountered who've endured childhood sexual abuse have found, is that they still love their father / brother / in one case sister.

For some people, once they have genuinely faced the appalling devastation that has been caused, somehow they can manage to forgive the person who mistreated them or those close to them. The person saying Sorry helps.

There's no shortcuts to that point though. It's an impossibly long hard road.

(note, Im not saying it's right for everyone; I'm just saying that some people have found it right for them .. eventually. Sexual abuse does not automatically mean cutting someone off forever, though it does for some.)

What is he then rooty.

What Softly has said

rootypig - he has admitted abusing a young girl. He IS a paedophile.

Well said back2two

There are some core basics in life that governs what a decent parent is and whether that person is trustworthy and whether that person is raising a child properly. One of them is not indecently abusing your own child. I can't see that a man who abuses their own is any of the above. If you can't even get that right well...It's not even questionable here. Is it?

Op. My DC who was just aged 3 at the time was indecently assaulted by my husband's adult brother. Twice arrested by the police and convicted. I have to stomach my Dh's family who rallies around this man, talk to him, maintains a relationship with him. Yet not of his family can even talk to me about this monster. They refuse to believe or acknowledge. They are calling me and my DC the crazy one for bringing this up and tearing up the family. Family members have even told me how dare I rock the boat or the status quo. Young family members just like you who are not comfortable with the news.

I ask of you personally to openly acknowledge what your father has done and show compassion, sympathy and support to your sister.

I wish someone, anyone - from Dh's family would reach out to me and say I'm sorry what this man has done. But nobody has. No one will entertain it and they have asked me to forget about it.

Your suffering is not to be minimised. Nor your sister's. I sincerely ask you to try and find out why your father did what he did. Its an answer I will never ever find out in my situation. Perhaps it will help. Who knows.