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Original poster

Did I do the right things by threatening to contact the police or was I OTT?

410 replies

CharlieBrookerScowl · 06/07/2014 08:55

Broke up with my ex 3 and a half weeks ago. We'd been together almost 2yrs. At first he was angry and that was fine. I was very clear, everytime he asked in that first week, that it was 100% over. I had many reasons and felt he'd never change and I'd been very stressed and unhappy for months before.

The second week I'd asked him not to contact me and then got a few texts after that but he eventually left it. After lots of emotionally manipulative texts. I'm talking long essays about how sad he is/misses me & DS (not his and he was crap with him when we were together)/his family are upset/other kids keep asking after DS.

Then yesterday, after a week and a half of no contact (thank god, I thought that was it) he contacted me out of the blue with another guilt-trippy essay and begged me to just talk to him for a few minutes. It caught me off guard so I stupidly agreed as he said he just wanted to ask after DS etc (I am such a bloody idiot). He almost managed to talk me into meeting yesterday but I just said I couldn't handle it/didn't trust him not to try and beat me submission (not physically!) like he had been since we split. He really seemed to think enough harassment would win me back! Shock

He sent lots of texts that I ignored after that begging to come over for just fifteen minutes and I was actually really creeped out all night. It was crap and every sound had me on edge (I live in a ground floor flat and needed the windows open as it was so hot)!

I replied in the morning saying please don't contact me. I asked you not to contact me before. To which he sent another essay begging to come over/we need to be together/give it a chance and I just saw red. I don't want to feel scared in my own home!! So I threatened to call 101 (and meant it). Was sent a reply along the lines of 'I can't believe you'd threaten that when I'm just telling you I love you' Hmm Err I asked you not to contact me twice, in plain terms and you're scaring me. He has form for ignoring me wrt to boundary issues anyway.

I wasn't being OTT was I!? Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 08/07/2014 16:45

Can I really log it when he wasn't technically doing anything wrong? Just walking past?

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Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 08/07/2014 16:46

The only thing about it that was obviously odd was that it's easier to walk on the other side so he crossed the road on purpose and had also told the PO he'd avoid my place as much as possible/not walk past on my side etc.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 08/07/2014 16:49

That's why you need to log it. He deliberately crossed the road to come closer to your house, despite having been instructed not to do so. That's a deliberate challenge and the police need to know about it. It's an attempt to intimidate you further and demonstrate that he can do what he likes.
Well, he can't. And with a bit of luck he will get a night in the cells soon to demonstrate this lesson to him.

Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 08/07/2014 16:54

I've written it down with all the other stuff that's happened this week. He wasn't instructed to as such. Just told the PO he was really sorry and wouldn't do it again/would avoid me/my place as much as possible etc. Though the affect it had (made me initially feel intimidated then angry for it) probably says more about the act than the act itself would to an outside I guess.

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unrealhousewife · 08/07/2014 16:55

The police really really don't like it when people don't do what they ask them to do.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 08/07/2014 16:56

Yes, I'd log it.

On its own - no, they probably wouldn't do anything.

But if he keeps doing it - purposefully crossing the road - or if any other 'tiny little things' crop up - then they will. And you need to log all the tiny little things in order for them to be recognised as a big thing.

You're right to forget about the friend. Not least because any discussion you have will get back to him, and the ONLY thing that will register is 'She's still thinking about me, she's discussing it, IT is still a THING and there is MORE TO BE SAID...' etc.

unrealhousewife · 08/07/2014 16:57

Or when you tell them you're going to do something and then don't do it.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 08/07/2014 16:58

Oh and I think if you are pressed or in a situation where you need to make a comment to any mutual friends, etc. then a simple 'Well there are certainly two sides to every story' will do fine. Just point out that they're unlikely to have heard the full story from them if they express puzzlement that you are 'taking such a hard line' with poor ickle bullymanchild.

Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 08/07/2014 17:03

I've written it down as I'm 100% certain he'll do that everyday now. Though I can just get ready in the front room to avoid seeing him.

I might give it a week, write any little things down and then see if anything else 'little' has happened.

The 'friend' really seemed to think it was a tad OTT as he'd never hurt me etc but there was something just creepy/scary rolling off him in waves when I answered the door. Don't know what I'd call it exactly but it was enough to make me feel shit scared, like a gut reaction/self preservation and I don't actually scare easily/have been in 'scarier' situations and not felt so threatened.

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Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 08/07/2014 17:04

(I have actually blocked her now. I don't want to risk hearing anymore or her relaying info I've put on FB or wherabouts etc).

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Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 08/07/2014 17:06

^ about above. He didn't actually say anything threatening. He just wasn't listening. I was saying please leave and he was just begging for five mins and saying he wasn't going to throw it away like that or stop fighting for me. No means no. End of. It's like he was actually deaf to me.

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Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 08/07/2014 17:12

^ actually, I'd call the weird vibe desperation. Which is probably why it was scary.

Have a nice new book to read tonight anyway. Take my mind off the twattery.

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tribpot · 08/07/2014 19:31

This is what happened: He was just stood there, hand on each side of the door and leaning forwards (which was quite intimidating as he's pretty tall as it is), begging to come in and saying he'd do anything etc and just getting really emotional.

Whilst you were in the house alone with your ds nearby. You asked him to leave. He didn't. He obstructed the doorway so you couldn't shut him out. He didn't have say anything threatening, his intention was to coerce you into letting him in.

I honestly would log it with the police. He is testing you, to see what you'll do. Look at what you're having to do already - curtail your movements to avoid places he will be. Censor yourself on Facebook to prevent him from being able to find you. You haven't done anything wrong, he needs to back the fuck off and leave you in peace. Like he told the police he would.

Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 08/07/2014 19:44

Tbh I think I quickly put up a bit of a 'mind block' to handle what happened when he came over. I've got a busy, intense life with DS, studying etc and don't need it on top.

It was quite bad. He pit his hand outside of the doorframe but was spread in the doorway and leaning past it a little, so I didn't want to shut the door until he moved, because I knew if he pushed against it I'd have no chance (I'm no Hulk Hogan and he plays a lot of sport, is tall etc). So I waited til he'd moved back a little. Still not good obviously!

All quiet tonight, so far.

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adaorarda · 08/07/2014 19:56

every time you don't log him doing something wrong, it reduces your protection and makes you look complicit (or at least content with proceedings) in the eyes of the police.

you don't write it all down and then tell someone after five instances.
you tell someone EVERY TIME. as soon as you can.
because things can escalate incredibly quickly and if you don't keep the police abreast of it, they are less able to help.

Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 08/07/2014 19:59

But all I'd be calling to say was that he walked past the house. I can't prove he stared in or even walked on my side. Is it still worth it? When nothing else has happened since the warning?

I can't tell if I'm being OTT or not Confused

I'm not thick I swear Grin Hmm

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Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 08/07/2014 19:59

I am very tempted to take a picture of him doing it tomorrow!

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Bogeyface · 08/07/2014 20:04

I wonder if his posturing, going down the pub, glaring at the house etc is his way of pretending he doesnt care that you called the police.

A bit Catherine Tate "Bovvered?!" Strutting around saying "oh she is nuts, she did this that and the other" when actually he is feeling like the worlds biggest knobhead! Try putting those words in his mouth when you see him posturing, it might make it easier to deal with.

Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 08/07/2014 20:12

He looked intensely 'bovvered' this morning. He's pathetic tbh.

And he'd clearly told mutual-friend that I instigated the contact and that he just came over in a fit of sadness and left when I asked Hmm

He made it very clear he expected to be let in, regardless of what I said/wanted.

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Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 08/07/2014 20:12

But I will imagine that, thanks Grin

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adaorarda · 08/07/2014 20:14

well, if he came into your house and screamed abuse at you and no-one saw, would you not report it because no-one saw? no, you would report it. you need to be careful because this is escalation. he is now doing what he told the PO he would not do. he is very clearly trying to tell you that he will do as he pleases.

ring 101 and tell them what happened, that he told the PO he would stay away from your side of the street, and that he has now done the opposite - not only did he come onto your side, he stopped and peered into your window looking angry. ask them what you should do.

Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 08/07/2014 20:15

He didn't stop, just slowed down and my garden wall means he's a few feet from the window but he made an effort to make it 'obvious' IYSWIM?

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Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 08/07/2014 20:17

It was enough that if he'd done it to a stranger they'd be weirded out/wander what his problem was!

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Bogeyface · 08/07/2014 20:22

I agree, you should log it.

Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 08/07/2014 20:23

I wasn't actually given a ref number though either. But I guess if I gave them my address/mob' number it would probably show up.

I think I'll wait a day or two. As he might just stick to that, because the warning scared him off of direct contact so far.

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