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Original poster

Did I do the right things by threatening to contact the police or was I OTT?

410 replies

CharlieBrookerScowl · 06/07/2014 08:55

Broke up with my ex 3 and a half weeks ago. We'd been together almost 2yrs. At first he was angry and that was fine. I was very clear, everytime he asked in that first week, that it was 100% over. I had many reasons and felt he'd never change and I'd been very stressed and unhappy for months before.

The second week I'd asked him not to contact me and then got a few texts after that but he eventually left it. After lots of emotionally manipulative texts. I'm talking long essays about how sad he is/misses me & DS (not his and he was crap with him when we were together)/his family are upset/other kids keep asking after DS.

Then yesterday, after a week and a half of no contact (thank god, I thought that was it) he contacted me out of the blue with another guilt-trippy essay and begged me to just talk to him for a few minutes. It caught me off guard so I stupidly agreed as he said he just wanted to ask after DS etc (I am such a bloody idiot). He almost managed to talk me into meeting yesterday but I just said I couldn't handle it/didn't trust him not to try and beat me submission (not physically!) like he had been since we split. He really seemed to think enough harassment would win me back! Shock

He sent lots of texts that I ignored after that begging to come over for just fifteen minutes and I was actually really creeped out all night. It was crap and every sound had me on edge (I live in a ground floor flat and needed the windows open as it was so hot)!

I replied in the morning saying please don't contact me. I asked you not to contact me before. To which he sent another essay begging to come over/we need to be together/give it a chance and I just saw red. I don't want to feel scared in my own home!! So I threatened to call 101 (and meant it). Was sent a reply along the lines of 'I can't believe you'd threaten that when I'm just telling you I love you' Hmm Err I asked you not to contact me twice, in plain terms and you're scaring me. He has form for ignoring me wrt to boundary issues anyway.

I wasn't being OTT was I!? Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 08/07/2014 20:24

x-post.

Does it sound serious enough to log then?

I suppose it's the intent more than 'just' walking past.

OP posts:
adaorarda · 08/07/2014 20:40

he did the exact opposite of what he told the PO he would do.

YES it is serious enough to log.

not sure why you are so insistent on having your boundaries crossed with no repercussions?

adaorarda · 08/07/2014 20:40

you're worth more than that. you have a right to feel safe

Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 08/07/2014 20:42

I'm just worried it won't be taken seriously or that they'll laugh it off. I had a nice P.O on sunday but plenty of them don't want to know unless you're threatened/harassed directly.

OP posts:
adaorarda · 08/07/2014 20:45

you can't control what a police officer says or how they respond.

what you can control is that YOU stand up for YOUR self. and report it when a person is harassing you, going against police instructions, etc.

if you don't report it, you're saying you're ok with it.

why are you so worried that someone might laugh it off? who cares if they laugh? surely you should at least try to do right by yourself, even if others may drop the ball despite that?

adaorarda · 08/07/2014 20:49

just ring and say "look i've had a guy harass me and he promised to a PO to stay away from my house and walk on the other side of the street. today he was on my side and even slowed down to look through the window. just a bit concerned that he's going against his word to a PO and that things might escalate again. what should i do?" simples

ChasedByBees · 08/07/2014 20:55

I'd ring them. It's not just once he's stared through your window in an intimidating way. It's more of a deal than you think, and don't worry - the police have to deal with all sorts and all levels of complaints. they had to spend a while on very trivial parking issues in our street

DustBunnyFarmer · 08/07/2014 20:58

Also mention that he got a mutual friend to contact you to make his case.

Meerka · 08/07/2014 21:02

Log it, and DO take a picture tomorrow morning if he does the same again. Digital cameras have the option to put the date / time on don't they? Make a record of every incident. Even if you don't report every single incident at the time, just keep it on record. Meticulous record keeping can be astonishingly helpful when you least expect it.

Actually I would tell mutual friend just what is going on. YOu said she'd been a good friend til now - give her that chance. And set the record straight.

Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 08/07/2014 21:07

On the phone now.

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 08/07/2014 21:19

Logged it. They're gonna come out and see me though at some point to discuss it more (procedure apparantly).

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 08/07/2014 21:23

They will probably ask how it made you feel, did you feel threatened, scared, intimidated etc. Be honest, dont do the polite bit of playing it down.

Read back what you wrote earlier, remember how you heart leapt when you saw him (not in a good way), how jumpy you have been all day.

And tomorrow, could you film him on your phone so you have evidence? And every day until he stops?

adaorarda · 08/07/2014 21:25

well done.
agree that you must NOT minimise when they come to talk to you. you are not being a bother. you have a right to be safe. you pay taxes for a reason, part of the service you're paying for is to be protected from twunts who make you feel intimidated.

playing it down only makes it easier for him to harass and hurt you (or DS, or someone else). you have a responsibility to be very frank and truthful about this.

definitely keep phone handy to film next time.

Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 08/07/2014 21:28

I do actually have a good cam to film him on!

Half tempted. It was the look on his face that was actually horrid this morning. Not really the fact he walked past despite saying he wouldn't. Pathtic really. He'll play ignorant heartbroken-ex to the police officer but this morning he knew full well what he was doing. And now it's been logged, which I doubt he thought I'd do!

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 08/07/2014 21:31

I'll explain how scared I felt when I opened the door and realized the situatuion I was in/had to try and get out of. It was a 100% fight or flight response. Not pleasent Hmm

I do think that'll be it and no more contact now (directly) anyway. Seems he's just trying the more 'subtle' approach and will no doubt get bored/meet someone else. And I'll do a bloody dance! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 08/07/2014 21:42

Feel so much better for logging it though and them being so understanding.

I felt powerless this morning, but I'm not!

OP posts:
adaorarda · 08/07/2014 22:08

you really aren't!

i'm glad you feel better. the more you exercise your rights here, the better in control you'll feel. it's not acceptable for him to make you feel so vulnerable, and he can't just lie to a PO's face and expect to get away with it.

Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 08/07/2014 22:13

He's contacted another mutual friend to say that he knows she knows about the police etc and he hopes things aren't weird between them, as he was friends with this person long before he met me (though I've known this person since I was 5). She said she very firmly said friend or not, his behaviour has been out of order and that she wouldn't discuss it anymore than that.

Sounds like he just got pissed off this eve and messaged all our mutal friends. He must be very bored...

Off to bed!

OP posts:
tribpot · 08/07/2014 22:19

Can you ask your friends not to tell you about his contact with them? It's just another way he is harrassing you by proxy. And it all needs to be logged as well.

Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 08/07/2014 22:24

That one was more about him trying to salvage an old friendship I think rather than about me/us. He knows I'm close to her and have likely told her the 'unedited' version.

And she said sorry for bringing it up but after this morning she thought I might want to know that he was contacting friends like that in case it could be logged (she's a lovely friend) Smile

OP posts:
tribpot · 08/07/2014 22:25

So she is decidedly your friend and yet of all the friends he chooses to turn to, it's her?? Come on. That's not about salvaging a friendship, that's about trying to get to you through your friends. Sounds like your friend wants it logging - I would definitely mention it when the police come out to you.

Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 08/07/2014 22:29

It may have been because he wanted her to relay that he was trying to possibly divide friends over it (though he's barking up the wrong tree with her).

She's been friends with him a long time and I moved away til 2007 so they've been friends longer but she thinks he's been a 'creepy twat' and has known me (through parents) since I was tiny.

I will mention it when they come out to do an interview though.

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlieBrookerScowl · 08/07/2014 22:44

Think he's also looking for other people to 'condone' his behaviour/excuse it as normal ex-stuff too. And pass that on to me through them as a way of minimizing it.

And to me too, except he can't convince me he's been 'normal'.

Second attempt at bed anyway! Wine

OP posts:
Hissy · 08/07/2014 23:20

He's talking to people he knows will tell you.

It's another ploy to intimidate you.

SolidGoldBrass · 08/07/2014 23:38

He is stepping it up, Charlie. The police will take it seriously. A friend of mine was harassed by a creepy dickhead she had dumped, and she felt the same as you - that it wasn't really bad and she should just ignore it, but when she eventually told the police they were very sympathetic and took it very seriously. Her creep sent his mother round to wail at my mate about how she was 'breaking my son's heart.'

You stand a good chance of being able to get a non-molestation order against this man, which will forbid him from trying to make contact via other people as well, and if he breaks the order he will be arrested.
It's fine to get seriously legally heavy now. He is unreasonable and deserves any penalties he incurs. Because he won't be arrested, charged, prosecuted or convicted (and subsequently fired from his job, laughed at by acquaintances and written up in the local paper as a desperate stalky twat) if he just leaves you alone.

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