Did I do the right things by threatening to contact the police or was I OTT?

[CharlieBrookerScowl]

Broke up with my ex 3 and a half weeks ago. We'd been together almost 2yrs. At first he was angry and that was fine. I was very clear, everytime he asked in that first week, that it was 100% over. I had many reasons and felt he'd never change and I'd been very stressed and unhappy for months before.

The second week I'd asked him not to contact me and then got a few texts after that but he eventually left it. After lots of emotionally manipulative texts. I'm talking long essays about how sad he is/misses me & DS (not his and he was crap with him when we were together)/his family are upset/other kids keep asking after DS.

Then yesterday, after a week and a half of no contact (thank god, I thought that was it) he contacted me out of the blue with another guilt-trippy essay and begged me to just talk to him for a few minutes. It caught me off guard so I stupidly agreed as he said he just wanted to ask after DS etc (I am such a bloody idiot). He almost managed to talk me into meeting yesterday but I just said I couldn't handle it/didn't trust him not to try and beat me submission (not physically!) like he had been since we split. He really seemed to think enough harassment would win me back!

He sent lots of texts that I ignored after that begging to come over for just fifteen minutes and I was actually really creeped out all night. It was crap and every sound had me on edge (I live in a ground floor flat and needed the windows open as it was so hot)!

I replied in the morning saying please don't contact me. I asked you not to contact me before. To which he sent another essay begging to come over/we need to be together/give it a chance and I just saw red. I don't want to feel scared in my own home!! So I threatened to call 101 (and meant it). Was sent a reply along the lines of 'I can't believe you'd threaten that when I'm just telling you I love you' Err I asked you not to contact me twice, in plain terms and you're scaring me. He has form for ignoring me wrt to boundary issues anyway.

I wasn't being OTT was I!?

Thank you. It means a lot.

I feel like giving up atm with the police and just hoping this is it and it's done now really.

He's not a through-and-through bastard and that clouds people's judgements. He is very sad and all over the place. He did really 'love' me (selfishly but there you go) and he does miss us. But a.) That is no excuse and b.) He has also scared the shit out of me, been told so by a policeman and what response did he have? Oh that's right. He sat outside my house in the early hours, just feet from where I asleep.

I wish he was just an obvious creepy twat. Then people wouldn't make me feel like I'm the one who's actions need questioning

Yeah, I don't feel up to it this eve but will ring tomorrow when DS is at nursey and I've slept if I can sleep.

I know legally that one more thing and that's enough. But I think today should have been enough. Yes, he's not very likely to hurt me but does that mean it's ok to leave it?

Cheesy rom com shit.

YY.

I mentioned it above, but I get fucking ranty at the part in Love Actually where Andrew Lincoln goes to see Keira Knightley and her new husband (what would he have done if his best mate had answered the door?!) and does the whole signs and music thing.

Who the fuck does that?! You love her? Sorry mate but she doesnt love you, she is married to your best friend because she loves him. Take some time out and get over it. DONT put it all on her doorstep and her conscience just to make yourself feel better. And when he walks away saying "enough" as if he has got it out of her system I could scream! Yeah mate, dont worry about the poor cow who now cant sleep because she worried what you will do next. Worried about whether to tell her DH. Worried about how you will react when she has his baby......

Wanker.

Rom Coms have a lot to answer for. Your ex probably see's himself as the romantic hero and not the utter dickcheese he actually is. Not Love Actually but Wanker, Actually.

Wow, sorry for the rant! It just came tumbling out, I may have issues of my own....actually :o

haha no it's fine

I hate LA for the same reasons!

All his 'keep fighting' talk was very telling of how he's viewing this situation and how he's justified it to himself...

See what Women's Aid advise tomorrow. You haven't got to make an immediate decision about it.

I sort of want to see if that's it now his family know it's serious.

But one more message from anyone about him that I know might have been his doing or one more incident like this morning and that's it. I will set up camp at the station until they take me seriously. He's not likely to be dangerous but I can't live like that and I won't put myself and DS through more stress because they can't be arsed to take me seriously.

Totally agree. Its all about him.

I heard something on the radio today that made me laugh, someone said "He has a very short memory masquerading as a clear conscience", thats your ex!

That's brilliant

Fantastic saying, I shall be remembering that!

And you're right, Charlie - the fact that you don't fear he is going to be violent is not a reason to put up with it. The fact is he is intruding on your life when he has been asked not to. It's intimidating and it means you can't relax in your own home.

My XH used to get to me through my friends too. It was exhausting and unnerving.

I think it's worth putting in a complaint about that stupid twat of a WPC. She behaved very unprofessionally. Would she tell the victim of a burglary that the burglar was just sad and skint and desperately wanted the things s/he stole?
If he';s heratbroken tough shit. That doesn't give him the right to harass you. Stalking is still stalking even when it's 'not threatening.' If he was persistently leaving beautiful bouquets outside your house every day that would still be a crime even though flowers are nice and do not hurt you.

I haven't posted before but remember your last thread, was so pleased to see you'd finally dumped him, and very sorry to hear all the crap he's been putting you through.

I too think the PO was totally out of order and if you can find the energy to take this further, you should.

What is so worrying is that her attitude reinforces the idea that a woman saying no doesn't actually carry that much weight, doesn't actually have to be taken seriously.

And it's ironic that he's asking for an explanation when what he's doing now is exactly why you got rid - because it was and is all about him! He claims to love you so much but the only person he cares about, whose feelings actually matter to him, is himself!

Sorry to hear how crappy your family are being too. You don't deserve this. Sending a bit more moral support your way, and hope tomorrow's a better day.

Thank you

It made me feel like I'd somehow brought it upon myself for dumping 'the poor bloke'!

And she suggested contact with his DM to resolve it. If contact was going to resolve it, we wouldn't be in this situation now!

Not sleeping well as I get the heebie-jeebies everytime I hear a noise outside.

This is not ok .

No, it's not ok at all.
I hope you get some peace soon.

I think you should make a complaint about her too.

fluffy stupid "oh he only loves you" is a very poor way of approaching someone who is harassing you and who makes you feel hunted, and who tries virtually to force his way into your house. You'd expect better of trained officers.

I'm sorry not to have read the whole thread. You may have been told this already and apologies if I'm repeating what has been said. This is harrassment and an offence under the Protection from Harrassment act. The act was bought in to deal with this sort of cr@p.

You should go back to the police, and ask them to deasl with it. You should also complain to the Inspector in charge of the station about the behaviour of the WPC. Police in this situation annoy the hell out of me, they have a power under the act to do something about it., it automatically gives a "resolved" on their statistics, but are not interested for some reason. It takes a bit of a push, but quote the act at them if need be to get some action.

If it makes you feel any better, my friend's legal aid lawyer started FLIRTING with her snake of an ex during the divorce hearings, said that she should have thought of the risk of international kidnap before marrying a foreigner, and basically said he wasn't that bad. He was. She got a different lawyer eventually. So, these women exist, the ones who have the wool pulled over their eyes so easily, to the detriment of their clients.

Thanks for all the advice. Did finally go back to sleep! Just dropped DS off and am sat down with a good book and a plan to power-nap later!

Some good-ish news though Ex walked by on the other side of the road today. First time in a month (so since the split).

Am stupidly happy about that tbh! Such a relief this morning.

NiceRing - That sounds horrid. What a twunt!

Oh really glad to hear that, Charlie. Maybe the fact that he's now had two visits from the police - however ineffectual this second PO was - has actually got through to him. I do hope so.

have you called WA? Have you called the Police? You need to kick up a stink love, this bloke shouldn't even be ON your street!

he is showing contempt for the police, for you and for your DS. he's been told to FTFO and he isn't.

That's the most progress there's been in a month.

We all agreed not walking past was OTT as it's an extra 30 min walk if he goes the other way and I just didn't want him walking right past mine, staring in. You can't make out anything in the house if you look over from the other side of the street (and he didn't look anyway).

So he's listened to that at last/least.

Everyone is completely entitled to refuse and reject all contact with an XP. Even when there are issues regarding finance and DC to sort out, it can be handled through a third party if an XP is seriously abusive, or the one who left simply doesn't want contact (though, if there's no major abuse it would depend on there being another person willing to do handovers.)

Inthe OP's case there are no shared finances and he is not the father of her DC. So she cannot be compelled to engage with him at all. Nor with his mother or his friends. He is dumped and he can fuck off forever. Which is why the WPC's attitude was disgraceful. There is nothing to 'resolve'.