Did I do the right things by threatening to contact the police or was I OTT?

[CharlieBrookerScowl]

Broke up with my ex 3 and a half weeks ago. We'd been together almost 2yrs. At first he was angry and that was fine. I was very clear, everytime he asked in that first week, that it was 100% over. I had many reasons and felt he'd never change and I'd been very stressed and unhappy for months before.

The second week I'd asked him not to contact me and then got a few texts after that but he eventually left it. After lots of emotionally manipulative texts. I'm talking long essays about how sad he is/misses me & DS (not his and he was crap with him when we were together)/his family are upset/other kids keep asking after DS.

Then yesterday, after a week and a half of no contact (thank god, I thought that was it) he contacted me out of the blue with another guilt-trippy essay and begged me to just talk to him for a few minutes. It caught me off guard so I stupidly agreed as he said he just wanted to ask after DS etc (I am such a bloody idiot). He almost managed to talk me into meeting yesterday but I just said I couldn't handle it/didn't trust him not to try and beat me submission (not physically!) like he had been since we split. He really seemed to think enough harassment would win me back!

He sent lots of texts that I ignored after that begging to come over for just fifteen minutes and I was actually really creeped out all night. It was crap and every sound had me on edge (I live in a ground floor flat and needed the windows open as it was so hot)!

I replied in the morning saying please don't contact me. I asked you not to contact me before. To which he sent another essay begging to come over/we need to be together/give it a chance and I just saw red. I don't want to feel scared in my own home!! So I threatened to call 101 (and meant it). Was sent a reply along the lines of 'I can't believe you'd threaten that when I'm just telling you I love you' Err I asked you not to contact me twice, in plain terms and you're scaring me. He has form for ignoring me wrt to boundary issues anyway.

I wasn't being OTT was I!?

that was interesting

A link to the DASH thing they use for DV but based on stalking instead. I/he meets 3 of those criteria.

You're not a drama queen. Fuxache, some people!

Have you classed yourself as very frightened? I wasn't sure on that one (obviously .. not being you) so I have made it three from:

• loitering
• persuaded other people
• abusing alcohol

(You get that it's not normal to be drunk out of your mind at 6 a.m.)

This is a good place for advice, give them a ring: www.nss.org.uk/

He doesn't have alcohol issues but has gone out on the piss lots since we split.

I am very frightened, he has used other people and has loitered.

Thanks for the links btw

Frightened enough to consider stupid things anyway. Just because I want it to be over right now.

You mentioned up thread though that was when we were together and it was already planned that he was staying at home as he'd been drinking heavily due to a social thing and I was ill. He pretended to be 'sober' but turned up pissed out of his face etc.

Sounds like an alcohol problem to me. And he used to turn up drunk and refuse to let you go to sleep when you had to be up early?

Ah no, he did turn up that one time pissed out of his face. He rarely drank but if he does he gets shitfaced.

He was on holiday one week and insisted in staying but wanted to go to bed late and got in a huff when I said no, I'm going to bed, you can go to bed to or go home and he just huffed and gave me the cold shoulder.

P.O sounds crap. Can't prove it? There was a witness. Or, by the sounds of it, two witnesses. He would probably even admit it! What did she expect? Not every crime can have semen everywhere linking offenders to offences.

Hope WA give you some good advice

I don't think he's ever denied the incidents, has he? He downplayed the first one to friends but appears to have admitted he overstepped the mark to the police. And the second one has a witness.

Okay, so you got one naive policewoman he's bullshitted. The other police sounded a lot more sensible. Can you get back in touch with that one? ask for them by name?

and Tribpot's idea of writing it down and asking for it to be put on record is a good one. Keep a copy, naturally.

You've had two different police personalities but if he carries on, then they will have to take more actions. It's the best that can be done. See what Women's Aid say, sure, but the police are the ones with the power and you've been treated seriously by the first one.

If this carries on, and the chances are high that it will die out but jut in case, then try to deal with them again.

He's never denied them, no.

Yeah, I'm not sure if he'll stop now or not.

I don't think he'd have come over sober. He likely stayed til shutting time at our local pub that's open all night and wandered that way home thinking it was a great idea etc.

I think he will, as his parents now know etc and it's his second visit but then I thought he'd stopped after last Sunday.

So I'm half expecting something else, and that''l probably last until it's been a fortnight since contact (including 3rd parties). The longest we went was a week with no contact from him so once it's been 2 weeks and I haven't heard a peep I'll relax a lot more!

I have no idea what he was doing walking past the back of our house though. Apparantly he stayed on the path, so not right next to us but the same as walking past in the morning, looking in to see if he could see whatever he was lookign for.

So glad I have lovely, retired neighbours.

Meant to have a driving lesson tomorrow but think I may have to cancel it. Went on one when ex was being a dick initially and ended up crying which was embarassing (my tutor is lovely but very-yorkishire and it was so awkward).

DS has nursery so want to just catch up on sleep and get some strength back.

I think that's a good idea - get some sleep and don't stress yourself out with a driving lesson.

Cancelled it, which is one thing off my mind at least. Have some cheesy TV lined up to take my mind off ex later and an early night planned.

Why do people keep saying "Oh poor ex" when I tell them he's come over and I've have to call the police??

What the actual fuck is wrong with the world.

^ As in all the cheesy rom coms where they win them back against all odds.

THIS IS NOT A ROM COM.

I AM NOT LAUGHING

(Rant over. I guess it would just be nice to have my family on my side, you know ).

My stiff upper lip has come back to bite me in the arse.

If I'd told them evertyime he did something shitty they wouldn't come out with 'well he did want to marry you/really loved you/was such a nice guy'.

Dammit.

When I talk to my close friends/post here I feel sane like I'm responding appropriately but it's like everyone else is on another planet and I'm being harsh on him.

It makes it extra hard to stick to my guns etc.

At least I have those friends.

Charlie I'm a bit of a lurker, but I remember your last thread about him, well done on getting rid!

Just keep telling yourself, people on here and close friends understand because they know the whole truth about him, other friends and family maybe don't realise what he was like so honestly, their opinion counts for nothing as 1) they don't have all the facts and 2) it's your life and your decision! I'm sorry they're not supporting you, it absolutely sucks, but you have us behind you!

I would suggest contacting Womensaid ASAP. You need to know where you stand with this, and some real life backup.