Did I do the right things by threatening to contact the police or was I OTT?

[CharlieBrookerScowl]

Broke up with my ex 3 and a half weeks ago. We'd been together almost 2yrs. At first he was angry and that was fine. I was very clear, everytime he asked in that first week, that it was 100% over. I had many reasons and felt he'd never change and I'd been very stressed and unhappy for months before.

The second week I'd asked him not to contact me and then got a few texts after that but he eventually left it. After lots of emotionally manipulative texts. I'm talking long essays about how sad he is/misses me & DS (not his and he was crap with him when we were together)/his family are upset/other kids keep asking after DS.

Then yesterday, after a week and a half of no contact (thank god, I thought that was it) he contacted me out of the blue with another guilt-trippy essay and begged me to just talk to him for a few minutes. It caught me off guard so I stupidly agreed as he said he just wanted to ask after DS etc (I am such a bloody idiot). He almost managed to talk me into meeting yesterday but I just said I couldn't handle it/didn't trust him not to try and beat me submission (not physically!) like he had been since we split. He really seemed to think enough harassment would win me back!

He sent lots of texts that I ignored after that begging to come over for just fifteen minutes and I was actually really creeped out all night. It was crap and every sound had me on edge (I live in a ground floor flat and needed the windows open as it was so hot)!

I replied in the morning saying please don't contact me. I asked you not to contact me before. To which he sent another essay begging to come over/we need to be together/give it a chance and I just saw red. I don't want to feel scared in my own home!! So I threatened to call 101 (and meant it). Was sent a reply along the lines of 'I can't believe you'd threaten that when I'm just telling you I love you' Err I asked you not to contact me twice, in plain terms and you're scaring me. He has form for ignoring me wrt to boundary issues anyway.

I wasn't being OTT was I!?

I think she was trying to weirdly reassure me that it's just heartbreak and bad decisions etc. But that's not relevant is it? He's been doing things he shouldn't. End of. Reasons aren't justification from a legal point of view are they??

Police officers do get things wrong. Sometimes.

This is one of those times.

You need to go to the station and ask to see the commanding officer.

Take the details you have of what's been going on and point out that he's ignoring the harassment order and you aren't happy with this at all!

He has no past record, is very 'soft' and kind seeming and obviously heartbroken so I guess she just saw that and his mum and dad being all 'poor ex, he's just heartbroken' and judged on that.

I'm not up to doing much today tbh. Was out til 2 and then that happened this morning and I just want to curl up and cry all afternoon tbh. Not feeling strong today, though I will be when I've had a decent night's sleep and convinved myself I'm not being a bitch.

*convinced

I'll be on it tomorrow though. I am not ok with this.

That might be it now but it sounds like they are expecting me to discuss it with him. Like hell am I.

Well the police definitely don't have any legal powers to compel you to discuss the breakup with him again! They might want to suggest to you that it would defuse the situation (based on his sob-story 'all I want is an explaaaannnaatttiiooonnnn' bullshit) but you aren't obliged to follow their 'advice' and in this case have no reason to do so. You want him to leave you alone. End of.

I said that on the phone. I actually scoffed and said he'd had lots of explanations in the first 2 weeks and I just wanted him to leave me alone. She said well he loves you and is clearly heartbroken.

I get that, but all I want is to be left alone. That is it. He does not have the right to do this to me because he's heartbroken. It does not work like that.

Phone back and complain that the p I isn't taking your harassment seriously!

Dm just dropped DS off.

She told me to stay strong, not to be scared as he's not going to hurt me, he's just being pathetic (probably true but he's still scaring me) and thne stormed out.

So I'm now sat here in floods of tears, in front of DS, which I hate doing. I feel so desperate. I just want it to all be over. This is horrible.

I know it's not that bad but it's been a month and I just want him to go away.

I really do hate him though. He knows I've struggled with anxiety in the past so is just being selfish beyond belief.

And from what the PO told me it sounds like he's on another planet still, parents included. Reasons?? It's been a month. You had your reasons.

Hold on, your DM stormed out?

Wtf?

This is unacceptable. Yeah physically he might not be hurting you, but psychologically, it's extremely damaging/un-nerving.

You have the absolute right to end any relationship, any time and for any reason you want. You don't need to continue to engage with him, and he has no right to be using all these methods to intimidate and pressure you.

He's already been warned, now he needs it to be taken to the next level, as he's not taking no for an answer.

By refusing to listen to the fact that it's over, he's committing an offence.

Your bloody mother needs to cop on and support you, not undermine you.

Your previous experience with domestic abuse and now this clown will be linked to your parents refusal to acknowledge poor treatment of you.

Please listen to our outrage, don't allow your mother to tell you you're making a fuss over nothing.

If it were nothing, we'd tell you so. We owe you nothing, remember.

Call the police Station and request the details of the Officer in Charge and ask to speak to them.

Can you also please call woman's aid?

Also, www.stalkinghelpline.org/faq/about-stalking/]

OP I've been following your thread and I'm horrified by the reaction you got from the police. What a crock.

I was stalked by my XH and while he wasn't violent (during stalking: had previously been so!) I was terrified. I eventually spoke to a DV officer at the local station and made a formal statement, at which point he was given a warning. Thankfully he backed the fuck off at that point.

Actually, poster above has suggested contacting the Officer in Charge which sounds like a great idea. Woman's Aid are also good.

Look after yourself x

Very good link from Hissy (you will need to delete the square bracket from the end). Here is an important point from the FAQ

Am I overreacting?
No. If you feel scared, worried or angered by the behaviour then you should not have to put up with it. Some people may lack the knowledge or understanding of how stalking can negatively impact on every aspect of your life, however that does not mean that you are overreacting

Yeah, sorry about that, on phone, and found a new shortcut to post...

Some people may lack the knowledge or understanding of how stalking can negatively impact on every aspect of your life, however that does not mean that you are overreacting

My mum actually had a scary stalker in the 90s. I remember him following us home once! But I think she's forgotten what it felt like plus the police beat him up on the sly as the laws were crap back then and he never bothered her again. Also, as he was a 'full on' pesterer, flower-sending, mentallu ill type she probably thinks my ex is a harmless little thing. That's not the point though.

I've stopped crying at least Had a good friend call me and made me feel much better, just by at least listening/believing. She also had a weird ex who turned out to be a convicted rapist that followed for a year after they broke up! So she's been very understanding.

I think the fact I'm quite 'bright' and not a heap on the floor when I see the police is working against me Maybe if I just cried at them and didn't seem so 'strong' they'd actually do something.

I feel like I'm wearing shit-coloured glasses and am the only one who is seeing him in this light (well friends aside, my family/the police don't seem bothered).

It's technically not stalking...

My family are making me feel like a drama queen for being scared. And yes, he's not threatened me or hurt me/likely to but I'm still scared. Scared of the next bloody move.

Isn't it?

Stalking can consist of any type of behaviour such as regularly sending flowers or gifts, making unwanted or malicious communication, damaging property and physical or sexual assault. If the behaviour is persistent and clearly unwanted causing you fear, harassment or anxiety then it is stalking and you should not have to live with it.

Unwanted communication. Persistent behaviour and clearly unwanted, causing you fear and anxiety.

Being outside your house at 6 in the morning is what I would call stalking.

Well the P.O said we couldn't prove it and it's only 2 acts of that nature in the month we've been seperated

Though my neighbour and his friend witnessed it and then him following my neighbour up the road, ranting about the break up.

Sitting outside your house is stalking.

Normal people stop when they're told to. The first time.

Persistent idiots need a Harassment warning.

He's gone past all that and still won't leave you alone.

It's stalking love. It really is.

He has intimidated you in the past, blocking the doorway, refusing to leave.

Your DM/family are letting you down on this, really they are.

I feel like it is, myself.

It's just lacking the backup that's getting to me so much atm. I feel like the police just sympathize with him and think I've been OTT. He's 'just heartbroken' and loves me etc

I'm calling WA later if they're open. Have to wait til DS is in bed.