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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is MN clouding my judgement?

220 replies

Greenoes · 01/07/2014 11:32

Hi, I'm not sure what I'm looking for really - perhaps just to write this down.

A bit of background - I've been with my DP for 4.5 years, I'm divorced with 1 DS (10) and DP is widowed with 1 DS (14) we have lived together for nearly 3 years in a house we bought together.

I work full time plus overtime and agency and DP works part time (30 hours) plus occasional overtime - we have a nice house and 1 holiday abroad each year but otherwise we just scrape by with no savings.

It has been hard living in a blended family but I felt like we were starting to see the results of the hard work and we, in the main rub along together with a reducing amount of dramas.

Onto my dilemma...DP was away with DSS on Friday doing some work helping his parents out with some physical work in their garden (they live 200 miles away). I stayed at home as I had to work on Saturday so was just watching TV and mumsnetting on my phoneBlush when I came across a thread that I thought my sister would be interested in. When I tried to email the link to her, names I did not recognise came up in the text box (a couple of which were names I have discovered DP texting and facebooking inappropriately in the past but I had dealt with). Our phones are inexplicably linked through iCloud and Apple and the geniuses in the Apple store can't even fathom it out.

A little spark of doubt/panic made me hack DP's email account (not proud but wasn't hard - usual password) where I found little evidence of communication with other women but I did find evidence of an Adultworks account (Mumsnet radar went into overdrive at this point) so I hacked this account (also very easy) and found 39 feedbacks from women who he had had contact with over the last 7 years. Sickeningly, the trail went back as far as 1 month after his wife died but evidence if meetings up until last December and some online activity this March. (Don't worry - I screenshot all the evidence, MN has taught me well.)

The feedback leaves no doubt that meetings took place - it's an odd feeling to have your DP described as "clean".

Obviously - my world fell apart a bit but I almost felt relieved that if things were to end, I would be totally justified instead of the feeling that when I've considered finishing the relationship in the past, it was just me being too picky.

I went to work but didn't function particularly well - which is a dangerous thing in my profession. At about 4pm, I could hang on no more so I text to say what I'd found. He text back saying he didn't know what I was talking about and that we could talk when he go home.

In between my text to him and me getting home, the password was changed on the AW account and the account deactivated.

When he got home, he categorically denied anything had happened and that he had never seen any of the emails in his account let alone had any knowledge about the AW account. (All of the emails in his account looked unread but he does get some emails to his phone such as eBay which also looked unread so I don't know what is going on there).

We have been completely normal in front of the children and actually had a nice family day on Sunday.

Yesterday I went for an STI check and looked at what I need to do to have my wages paid into a different account. I text him yesterday to say that the AW account was undoubtably his and that I would let him know if he needed any treatment for STI's. I told him that we could all continue to live together until the house is sold and that we could still go on holiday as both the kids deserve a holiday. I fully acknowledge that in order for us both to continue in jobs and the children continue in their schools, we both need to stay in the house until the money is released to rent somewhere else. My family are local but there's not much room and his family are far away so best for the children.

Anyway, he is horrified that I think the account is his and wants to prove that he must have been hacked (really? For 7 years).

So, my question is - is there the smallest chance that he has been hacked? I have contacted his friend who is an IT expert who says it is possible (he always uses the same passwords and has trouble with his email account. Our Norton security also lapsed but this account predates the computer) but I'm still thinking it's unlikely.

I'm going to ask him to contact the police to report this identity theft to gauge his reaction because so far his efforts to prove to me that he is innocent has included watching football and playing candy crush Angry

I know the answer, I just want to check that I'm ending based on the truth.

Thankyou for reading.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/07/2014 11:47

I doubt very much that his account was at all hacked. Also he has previous form for facebooking and texting inappropriately. He is backpeddling furiously; did he do that before as well?. You may have dealt with this last time but he has chosen again to do this.

This is no reflection on you but on him. You are not at fault here and your own intuition was correct (again).

TheWookiesWife · 01/07/2014 11:49

wow ! just wow !! I really don't know what I would do if this were me - but I do hope everything works out for you !

in my opinion - this looks like your DP has used you to make a home and a family for him and his child - and then he's continued behaving like he's single . doesn't seem fair . and now it all seems to be falling apart for him he's denying everything . simply awful childish behaviour !

BloodontheTracks · 01/07/2014 11:51

Wow. You poor thing. The idiot that he is, changing the password and deactivating it hours after you challenged him.

If there was any doubt at all, any unlikely ridiculous coincidences going on, that seals it. What a stupid arse.

Sorry, OP. You know.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/07/2014 11:52

I don't know how that kind of site is set up. Presumably it's a little like OLD where participants post a profile and others get in touch? So for it to be hacked is he saying that someone set up a complete profile fraudulently using his name and details? Or is he saying that he gets junk/spam e-mails from the website? (If anyone checked my e-mail account they would probably find several tempting offers from lively and over affectionate Russian women but it doesn't mean I've been seeing any of them... Hmm )

Greenoes · 01/07/2014 11:53

Yeah, I know. I just don't want to turn the lives of 2 innocent children upside down when they've both already been through so much. Thanks for the replies Sad

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 01/07/2014 11:55

Apart from the fact it's really unlikely it's a hack why would someone set up an account in his name? The fact that as soon as you told him the " hacker" changed to password speaks volumes I'm afraid.

Greenoes · 01/07/2014 11:56

The profile has his name, his user name which is a shortened version of his name, usual password, his mobile number and postcode (our post code is only 3 years old so must have been updated at some point). That's his entire profile except a little tick box that says "I am interested in escorts".

OP posts:
GirlWithTheLionHeart · 01/07/2014 11:56

Sorry to be thick, has the AW been going on while you have both been together (v tired today sorry)

Did you show him the screenshots? There's no way his account was hacked, and if it had why did he have an account anyway?

AnyFucker · 01/07/2014 11:57

Nope, he hasn't been hacked and he is being an absolute arsehole to expect you to swallow that shit.

You sound like an intelligent woman. Dump him if only for thinking you are stupid enough to believe him.

GirlWithTheLionHeart · 01/07/2014 11:58

Xpost it obviously hasn't been hacked with all that info.

Using prostitutes would be a deal breaker for me even if it happened before I was with him.

Greenoes · 01/07/2014 12:03

We met in feb 2010, there is feedback from before that as well as April 2011, may and June 2013 and the last 2 were just before Christmas (same person - Curvyjessica81 - I'm getting a bit angry right now so will ask MNHQ to remove that if it's inappropriate).

There are emails from March this year saying that someone had replied to him but no correlating feedback but I don't think feedback is compulsory.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 01/07/2014 12:04

He's not a very good lair, is he?

AW account set up with his "usual" password and then that password changed two minutes after you reveal you've discovered the account? I can't see how he can persuasively lie and dig himself out of that particular hole.

GirlWithTheLionHeart · 01/07/2014 12:07

So he's been sleeping with prostitutes very recently. Don't believe his shit lies, op.
You're so much better off and no, MN is not clouding your judgment.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/07/2014 12:09

So his account was hacked for 7 years.
And the exact day and a time you pull him up on it his 'hacker' changes the password.
You know, so now it's up to you what you do about it.

If you want to carry on with the denial then that's just fine.
But things will never be the same again.

And from your posts, it looks like you have wanted to end things before but wanted 'real' reasons to do so.

Now you have full proof and no matter what he says you know you are right.

The decision is entirely up to you though!

ohtobemeagain · 01/07/2014 12:13

You can only receive / leave feedback if you have booked through their booking system.

Greenoes · 01/07/2014 12:15

I don't think I'm in denial as such - I'm numb, and also very calm. The only time I get angry is when I think about the women who he has taken advantage of with our money - I'm sure it wouldn't be their first choice of career, and when I try to piece together the jigsaw of details...ie, where we're the children? Did he leave them home alone or did he have someone here while I'm out working nights?

Not really important though is it?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/07/2014 12:23

Those things are important if they will snap you out of numbness and into cold white fury

"numbness" might mean you sweep it under the carpet for the sake of the kids

Which would be entirely the wrong thing to do

Ilovexmastime · 01/07/2014 12:25

He must think you're really stupid. Dump him with a clear conscience OP.

Blueuggboots · 01/07/2014 12:25

No, it's not massively important but I think it's a way of coping with such a shock - to concentrate on a minuscule part of it.

He sounds delightful. Hmm

Get rid immediately. Do you want your children thinking this is acceptable behaviour?

Good luck and sorry he's an arse. Thanks

bleedingheart · 01/07/2014 12:26

Well if he wanted you to believe it had been hacked, he made a bit of an error in changing the password and deactivating it. if it was a hack, you'd look at it and try and prove it wasn't you.

I cry bullshit.

I'm so sorry. The FaceBook nonsense and now this. I think you know the truth.

Maleducada · 01/07/2014 12:29

Wow, I think, before mumsnet, maybe you could have trained your brain not to think, blinkered your eyes not to see, it would all have remained out there unfocused. But because of mumsnet or thanks to mumsnet, you have to see it.

Greenoes · 01/07/2014 12:31

His family (and his late wife's family) are lovely - I'm going to miss them Sad

I made a commitment to help raise his son who is turning from the spoilt, entitled, but bereaved little boy I met into a responsible affectionate young man - he's going to hate me isn't he?
His Dad is his hero but it's him who is stopping me from fulfilling that commitment.

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 01/07/2014 12:32

I read the title and thought you were going to post about minor bickering and him not putting the bins out!

What an utter bastard. No clouded judgement there. Just the disbelief that he could do that. Quite natural I would have thought. Time to get angry and see a solicitor I would say.

AnyFucker · 01/07/2014 12:36

I wouldn't cover for him either. I would tell all his family why you are splitting.

Jan45 · 01/07/2014 12:37

Hacked but then once you tell him he's been sprung the account disappears, is that not the confirmation you need that he's a lying dick and not a good one either.

Don't know how you expect to carry on as normal after this, I wouldn't want him anywhere near me.