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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is MN clouding my judgement?

220 replies

Greenoes · 01/07/2014 11:32

Hi, I'm not sure what I'm looking for really - perhaps just to write this down.

A bit of background - I've been with my DP for 4.5 years, I'm divorced with 1 DS (10) and DP is widowed with 1 DS (14) we have lived together for nearly 3 years in a house we bought together.

I work full time plus overtime and agency and DP works part time (30 hours) plus occasional overtime - we have a nice house and 1 holiday abroad each year but otherwise we just scrape by with no savings.

It has been hard living in a blended family but I felt like we were starting to see the results of the hard work and we, in the main rub along together with a reducing amount of dramas.

Onto my dilemma...DP was away with DSS on Friday doing some work helping his parents out with some physical work in their garden (they live 200 miles away). I stayed at home as I had to work on Saturday so was just watching TV and mumsnetting on my phoneBlush when I came across a thread that I thought my sister would be interested in. When I tried to email the link to her, names I did not recognise came up in the text box (a couple of which were names I have discovered DP texting and facebooking inappropriately in the past but I had dealt with). Our phones are inexplicably linked through iCloud and Apple and the geniuses in the Apple store can't even fathom it out.

A little spark of doubt/panic made me hack DP's email account (not proud but wasn't hard - usual password) where I found little evidence of communication with other women but I did find evidence of an Adultworks account (Mumsnet radar went into overdrive at this point) so I hacked this account (also very easy) and found 39 feedbacks from women who he had had contact with over the last 7 years. Sickeningly, the trail went back as far as 1 month after his wife died but evidence if meetings up until last December and some online activity this March. (Don't worry - I screenshot all the evidence, MN has taught me well.)

The feedback leaves no doubt that meetings took place - it's an odd feeling to have your DP described as "clean".

Obviously - my world fell apart a bit but I almost felt relieved that if things were to end, I would be totally justified instead of the feeling that when I've considered finishing the relationship in the past, it was just me being too picky.

I went to work but didn't function particularly well - which is a dangerous thing in my profession. At about 4pm, I could hang on no more so I text to say what I'd found. He text back saying he didn't know what I was talking about and that we could talk when he go home.

In between my text to him and me getting home, the password was changed on the AW account and the account deactivated.

When he got home, he categorically denied anything had happened and that he had never seen any of the emails in his account let alone had any knowledge about the AW account. (All of the emails in his account looked unread but he does get some emails to his phone such as eBay which also looked unread so I don't know what is going on there).

We have been completely normal in front of the children and actually had a nice family day on Sunday.

Yesterday I went for an STI check and looked at what I need to do to have my wages paid into a different account. I text him yesterday to say that the AW account was undoubtably his and that I would let him know if he needed any treatment for STI's. I told him that we could all continue to live together until the house is sold and that we could still go on holiday as both the kids deserve a holiday. I fully acknowledge that in order for us both to continue in jobs and the children continue in their schools, we both need to stay in the house until the money is released to rent somewhere else. My family are local but there's not much room and his family are far away so best for the children.

Anyway, he is horrified that I think the account is his and wants to prove that he must have been hacked (really? For 7 years).

So, my question is - is there the smallest chance that he has been hacked? I have contacted his friend who is an IT expert who says it is possible (he always uses the same passwords and has trouble with his email account. Our Norton security also lapsed but this account predates the computer) but I'm still thinking it's unlikely.

I'm going to ask him to contact the police to report this identity theft to gauge his reaction because so far his efforts to prove to me that he is innocent has included watching football and playing candy crush Angry

I know the answer, I just want to check that I'm ending based on the truth.

Thankyou for reading.

OP posts:
SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 01/07/2014 15:32

I'm so sorry you are going through this, you sound like such a lovely person Smile.

Would it be at all possible to maintain a contact with H's family and DSS through them? It sounds as though you have been a very important part of his young life since his DM passed away and it may well be that someone in H's family recognises that and would be just as eager as you to help keep that particular relationship going.

And definitely please do speak to H's family and explain exactly why you are being forced to end your marriage. They need to know just who is responsible for breaking up the home & upsetting DSS again as it is sadly inevitable that if you leave H to do the explaining everything will end up being your fault.

Best of luck Flowers.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 01/07/2014 15:47

I am astounded (although why I don't really know) that he is professing innocence still. For heaven's sake, does he really not understand the significance of his account having the password changed and closed right after you told him that you found out?? Hmm And he isn't honestly still clinging to the fabrication that someone hacked him, is he?

What a lowlife he is, trying to push all the blame on you.

Greenoes · 01/07/2014 15:57

Don't start fecking raining! My sunglasses are hiding my face! "Acting normal" not going as well as first hoped!

Thankyou all for you support - will keep you posted how things go tonight Thanks

OP posts:
Maleducada · 01/07/2014 16:05

I agree that it'd be pointless to engage in a discussion that is basically you reassuring him that you don't thiink badly of him!

All this court case (as I call it) nonsense, him being given the opportunity to prove his innocence, it will just take on an innocent until proven guilty stance.

You have made a logical, rational conclusion. the onus shouldn't be on you now to believe a bunch of stories, or the make him feel better, or to defend yoruself for having believed with your own eyes what you have seen.

getthefeckouttahere · 01/07/2014 16:29

As has been pointed out its pretty simple.

Your partner has been having sex with prostitutes. He has been caught and is lying about that. (and really there is absolutely no doubt about that, here speaks a retd detective sgt with many years of listening to peoples crap!)

You can choose to put up with that, and even if he promises different behaviour i doubt that he will change. Prostitute use seems a very difficult habit for people to break.
To be truthful i think the whole going on holiday thing is in reality you considering if you could live with this behaviour. Thats your choice to make and yours alone, its not for me to tell you what to do and i suspect people have soldiered on with much worse behaviour from their other half. Although how happy those relationships truly are one can only guess.

Or you can choose to leave him. If that is your choice i believe that no matter the difficulties it presents then it is best done now.

Its terrible for you, he's a c*nt. Good luck.

Oh and i personally would refuse to take part in any conversation about this at all which did not start from the point where he accepts completely what he did, and speaks about it in absolutely honest terms. Otherwise it as much use as trying to have a serious conversation about why unicorns shit rainbows.

AnyFucker · 01/07/2014 16:34

I heard that unicorns really do shit rainbows

a zebra told me

getthefeckouttahere · 01/07/2014 16:40

its more believable than most of the stuff my ex told me!

arsenaltilidie · 01/07/2014 17:05

FWIW I run an IT company and I can categorically say no, he has not been hacked.

I always say there is a certain type who uses prostitutes and they never change.

Greenoes · 01/07/2014 17:22

Well, he has - but only by me!

OP posts:
Lacoba66 · 01/07/2014 17:50

Greenoes, firstly I would dearly like to say that I am truly sorry for what you are going through.

Secondly, regardless that he changed his password and then deactivated the account, you can re-activate it within 30days. So you (he in front of you) can put in his email address for lost/ forgotten password on the site and they will send the new password to his email account. It will go to the junk/ spam box. After 30 days it will say "the person with that email address has deactivated their account".

I don't think you need further evidence, but if you get him to do it in front of you then it can't be a hacker..... Hmm.

Maleducada · 01/07/2014 18:20

hacker shmacker!

why would somebody else use his email address? it takes 4 minutes to set up an email address. why would anybody who was about to use a prostitute risk drawing a friend or acquaintance (and it must be a friend or acquaintance if they know his email address?) choose to use somebody else's identity/? That risks drawing attention the 'pursuit' . A new email would be the better choice if somebody was determined not to use their own.

Greenoes · 01/07/2014 21:13

Well, I have my proof that it wasn't him - swore on his son's life. So there we go, irrefutable proof. Mumsnet cheater's script anyone?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/07/2014 21:17

Interesting. I am sure I have said on here (and certainly in RL) that you should never believe the word of anyone that swears on someone's life. To me, that statment immediately tells me they are lying before I even learn to the rest of the sentence.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 01/07/2014 21:17

wow. Charmer, he is. Did you have the account reactivated to check it? lol

AnyFucker · 01/07/2014 21:17

listen

Lacoba66 · 01/07/2014 21:24

Oh, dear.. Did you try what I suggested? Has he agreed to getting the police involved? 7 years is a long time to be "hacked"- in the last 3 or so years, why has he not mentioned it to you?

Ask yourself again, and again, why did the password change as soon as you questioned him?

mammadiggingdeep · 01/07/2014 21:26

Oh op :( what a shit situation.

You are handling it so well though- you sound strong and dignified.

If he refuses to come clean within the next few days I wouldn't even bother trying to discuss it. He's lying he's arse off. What a total knob. So sorry.

I actually think you're being too kind thinking you'll let him stay til the funds are in from a house sale. He'll try to convince you you've gone mad and that you're unreasonable for not believing him. He's following the script already.

MairzyDoats · 01/07/2014 21:28

The massive giveaway (for me anyway) is the fact that as soon as you told him you 'knew' his AW account was deactivated. How on earth does he explain that away!?

mammadiggingdeep · 01/07/2014 21:28

And AF is right. My ex swore blind he was telling the truth. He swore on our beautiful dd's lives...aged 7 months and 2 at the time. Turned out he was lying. What a cock.

Soooo, I agree, anyone swearing on some bodies life is a) a cock b) a liar

Greenoes · 01/07/2014 21:28

I can't deactivate the account - I think the password must have been reset before it was deactivated. Doesn't matter as I have photos of the main stuff.

He's agreed to go to the police - actually seems quite keen and he's off on Thursday do said he'll go then. Thursday is the day his in laws will be coming up so I really don't expect him to do it then - I'm not cruel enough to make him go and report a fake crime on the anniversary of his wife's death.

OP posts:
Greenoes · 01/07/2014 21:28

Reactivate, sorry Blush

OP posts:
Greenoes · 01/07/2014 21:31

I just want him to admit it.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/07/2014 21:36

Straight from the Jeremy Kyle Script of bang-to-rights liars that ole chestnut

AnyFucker · 01/07/2014 21:37

I doubt he will come clean. If he does anything, he will admit to the smallest thing he can get away with. It's a waste of your time and you will never be able to trust what he says.

mammadiggingdeep · 01/07/2014 21:39

Be prepared that he will never admit it. Ever.

My ex was pretty much caught red handed. I can't put specifics as it would out me to my rl mates who are on MN but lets just say there was no other explanation for what I found. None. However....he STILL swears blind he has no idea how the evidence got there. If I live til I'm 160 he would never admit it. Ever. I think liars start to believe their own shitty lies in the end.

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