Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is MN clouding my judgement?

220 replies

Greenoes · 01/07/2014 11:32

Hi, I'm not sure what I'm looking for really - perhaps just to write this down.

A bit of background - I've been with my DP for 4.5 years, I'm divorced with 1 DS (10) and DP is widowed with 1 DS (14) we have lived together for nearly 3 years in a house we bought together.

I work full time plus overtime and agency and DP works part time (30 hours) plus occasional overtime - we have a nice house and 1 holiday abroad each year but otherwise we just scrape by with no savings.

It has been hard living in a blended family but I felt like we were starting to see the results of the hard work and we, in the main rub along together with a reducing amount of dramas.

Onto my dilemma...DP was away with DSS on Friday doing some work helping his parents out with some physical work in their garden (they live 200 miles away). I stayed at home as I had to work on Saturday so was just watching TV and mumsnetting on my phoneBlush when I came across a thread that I thought my sister would be interested in. When I tried to email the link to her, names I did not recognise came up in the text box (a couple of which were names I have discovered DP texting and facebooking inappropriately in the past but I had dealt with). Our phones are inexplicably linked through iCloud and Apple and the geniuses in the Apple store can't even fathom it out.

A little spark of doubt/panic made me hack DP's email account (not proud but wasn't hard - usual password) where I found little evidence of communication with other women but I did find evidence of an Adultworks account (Mumsnet radar went into overdrive at this point) so I hacked this account (also very easy) and found 39 feedbacks from women who he had had contact with over the last 7 years. Sickeningly, the trail went back as far as 1 month after his wife died but evidence if meetings up until last December and some online activity this March. (Don't worry - I screenshot all the evidence, MN has taught me well.)

The feedback leaves no doubt that meetings took place - it's an odd feeling to have your DP described as "clean".

Obviously - my world fell apart a bit but I almost felt relieved that if things were to end, I would be totally justified instead of the feeling that when I've considered finishing the relationship in the past, it was just me being too picky.

I went to work but didn't function particularly well - which is a dangerous thing in my profession. At about 4pm, I could hang on no more so I text to say what I'd found. He text back saying he didn't know what I was talking about and that we could talk when he go home.

In between my text to him and me getting home, the password was changed on the AW account and the account deactivated.

When he got home, he categorically denied anything had happened and that he had never seen any of the emails in his account let alone had any knowledge about the AW account. (All of the emails in his account looked unread but he does get some emails to his phone such as eBay which also looked unread so I don't know what is going on there).

We have been completely normal in front of the children and actually had a nice family day on Sunday.

Yesterday I went for an STI check and looked at what I need to do to have my wages paid into a different account. I text him yesterday to say that the AW account was undoubtably his and that I would let him know if he needed any treatment for STI's. I told him that we could all continue to live together until the house is sold and that we could still go on holiday as both the kids deserve a holiday. I fully acknowledge that in order for us both to continue in jobs and the children continue in their schools, we both need to stay in the house until the money is released to rent somewhere else. My family are local but there's not much room and his family are far away so best for the children.

Anyway, he is horrified that I think the account is his and wants to prove that he must have been hacked (really? For 7 years).

So, my question is - is there the smallest chance that he has been hacked? I have contacted his friend who is an IT expert who says it is possible (he always uses the same passwords and has trouble with his email account. Our Norton security also lapsed but this account predates the computer) but I'm still thinking it's unlikely.

I'm going to ask him to contact the police to report this identity theft to gauge his reaction because so far his efforts to prove to me that he is innocent has included watching football and playing candy crush Angry

I know the answer, I just want to check that I'm ending based on the truth.

Thankyou for reading.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/07/2014 22:43

is your long term plan to stay with him then if you reliant on him for childcare around your shifts ?

I am a bit confused

Greenoes · 02/07/2014 22:54

I was alone with DS for 3 years before I met him so I know I can manage child-care wise, and DS is much older now and has started making his own way home from school sometimes.

I honestly haven't got a long term plan...I haven't got a plan at all other than to get my stuff in order and be ready to take action when the time is right.

OP posts:
Greenoes · 02/07/2014 22:57

In between tears, I have ticked off lots of things on my to do list. I keep referring back here to remind me what I'm dealing with.

OP posts:
SeymoreButts · 02/07/2014 23:01

I think he knows the police are going to brush this off.

Unless he's claiming that the identity fraudster has gained access to bank accounts or has set up financial arrangements (credit) in his name, there will be little they can offer. They will probably direct him here www.actionfraud.police.uk/fraud_protection/identity_fraud

The fact that the account was deactivated, and the password changed, in between your revelation and getting home from work is irrefutable proof isn't it? You know it, clearly he doesn't know it because he was daft enough to log in and close the account in the first place. Unless he admits it, what's to stop him carrying on? The fact that he is lying about it with such conviction is equally bad. You deserve so much better.

Greenoes · 02/07/2014 23:02

Child care just takes a bit more planning - I can make sure I'm working when DS is at his Dad's and my parents are able to have him to stay when I'm on nights.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/07/2014 23:04

Then I don't understand what you are waiting for, love

frames · 02/07/2014 23:21

Could you approach your line manager and discuss a change in hours as a short term measure to avoid needing contact? School hours until the end of term would be an acceptable request. Letter from GP to back it up if you can't discuss this with manager. Or talk to occy health?

Greenoes · 02/07/2014 23:27

I'm a nurse - no such thing as school hours sadly! Will definitely talk to my manager at work though to let them know what's happening. Slightly embarrassed that this is the 2nd time I'll have turned up with a sob story - last time cheating husband, this time rancid fiancé!

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 02/07/2014 23:35

The embarrassment is all his, honestly

Fideliney · 02/07/2014 23:39

It isn't a sob story.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 03/07/2014 07:56

He said that he would be stupid to jeopardise what he has with me as he isn't as financially secure as I am and would be left with nothing.

I think there you have a pretty (sadly) clear motive for his lying... he is not financially able to cope without you.

You, my dear, are his meal ticket. Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy, doesn't it? Hmm THAT is why he is so desperate to get you on side.

CeliaFate · 03/07/2014 08:04

He said that he would be stupid to jeopardise what he has with me as he isn't as financially secure as I am and would be left with nothing.

Shock

Nothing about his love for you, what a wonderful woman you are, how blessed he is to have you and your ds in his life and he couldn't imagine living without you.

He is a gigantic cock.

GenuinelyMaryMacguire · 03/07/2014 08:05

Don't let your parents bail him out by giving him their house. Really, don't. He doesn't deserve anything at all from you or them.

Could you have access visits with your stepson when you've shaken off the dad?

You are doing really well. None of this was of your choosing. Just don't let him convince you that anything he says is true.

PlumpPartridge · 03/07/2014 08:09

He's quite distraught and wants me to tell him what he has to do to make me believe him

He'd have to arrange for you to have a lobotomy, surely.

So sorry this is happening, op.

PlumpPartridge · 03/07/2014 08:10

Oh, and notice how the onus is on YOU to believe him, rather than on HIM to convince you.....

BitOutOfPractice · 03/07/2014 08:43

The ability to lie when faced with irrefutable proof is just breath taking

I found my exDP on a no strings attached hook up site. Apparently it wasn't him. It was someone with the same name, nationality, height etc etc who also happened to have the exact same postcode and a picture of my exDP's cock to hand Blush

OP you know that he's lying and he has been consistently visiting prostitutes for years.

You need to stop engaging with him NOW. No way should you play happy families tomorrow. If he wants to have these family times he shouldn't have been paying women for sex behind your back

Quitelikely · 03/07/2014 09:27

No op don't fall for it. He has done it and now he has been caught out. I know you feel guilty for your dss but this is not of your doing. Please don't stay. He obviously has ishoos!

If he had one shred of decency he would at least come clean and beg for a second chance.

Your son deserves to see you not tolerating such behaviour from anyone. Please don't forgive him. I know you have kindly stayed put for the anniversary of his wife's death but soon you ought to get things out in the open about him.

Let everyone know what he has been upto. He will have known that he was risking his beautiful family for these kicks but he thought it was worth the risk.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 03/07/2014 09:39

And for the love of god, do NOT let your parents provide him with housing. He can get housing on his own. He is an adult - all he has to do is put as much energy into providing for the housing as he did in getting together with prostitutes. Job done.

GenuinelyMaryMacguire · 03/07/2014 11:19

And for the love of god, do NOT let your parents provide him with housing
Can't say this often enough. He has to be cut loose. He has no scruples at all.

Jan45 · 03/07/2014 11:33

OP, you will never know the truth, he will never admit it, he's basically asking you to believe his lie, that's really not possible. As for the Police, when did you discover his sordid side life - days ago I'd imagine so what's he's waiting for, I'd be surprised if he goes.

Personally I couldn't even be in the same room as him never mind engaging with him. I'm sure he doesn't want to lose you and not just for financial reasons, you're a good woman who has done nothing wrong and he's got a nice set up with you hasn't he.

If you stay with him you will feel just as bad as you do now, don't sell your soul for this man, it will bring your self esteem to the floor, it will also give him the green light AGAIN that you will forgive and forget.

I know you don't want to rock the but get angry OP, he's really taking the piss.

differentnameforthis · 03/07/2014 12:17

So, my question is - is there the smallest chance that he has been hacked?

So whoever hacked him & used his account to access AW, conveniently changed both passwords the very day you confronted him?

Does he think you are stupid?

GenuinelyMaryMacguire · 04/07/2014 07:27

where are you, OP? how are things going?

Squidstirfry · 04/07/2014 08:57

I hope you are okay.... None of this is your fault, you have nothing to hide from anyone, no reason to protect him or support him in any way either... You seem to be coming to terms with things amazingly. I hope you aren't still thinking about taking him on holiday!

ExitPursuedByAKoalaBear · 04/07/2014 08:58

Hope you are ok.

glasgowstevenagain · 04/07/2014 11:56

Not RTFT

But

if his account was hacked he would have had emails from AW saying

"XTZ" just left you feedback etc

and he would have then queried it!

Swipe left for the next trending thread