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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is MN clouding my judgement?

220 replies

Greenoes · 01/07/2014 11:32

Hi, I'm not sure what I'm looking for really - perhaps just to write this down.

A bit of background - I've been with my DP for 4.5 years, I'm divorced with 1 DS (10) and DP is widowed with 1 DS (14) we have lived together for nearly 3 years in a house we bought together.

I work full time plus overtime and agency and DP works part time (30 hours) plus occasional overtime - we have a nice house and 1 holiday abroad each year but otherwise we just scrape by with no savings.

It has been hard living in a blended family but I felt like we were starting to see the results of the hard work and we, in the main rub along together with a reducing amount of dramas.

Onto my dilemma...DP was away with DSS on Friday doing some work helping his parents out with some physical work in their garden (they live 200 miles away). I stayed at home as I had to work on Saturday so was just watching TV and mumsnetting on my phoneBlush when I came across a thread that I thought my sister would be interested in. When I tried to email the link to her, names I did not recognise came up in the text box (a couple of which were names I have discovered DP texting and facebooking inappropriately in the past but I had dealt with). Our phones are inexplicably linked through iCloud and Apple and the geniuses in the Apple store can't even fathom it out.

A little spark of doubt/panic made me hack DP's email account (not proud but wasn't hard - usual password) where I found little evidence of communication with other women but I did find evidence of an Adultworks account (Mumsnet radar went into overdrive at this point) so I hacked this account (also very easy) and found 39 feedbacks from women who he had had contact with over the last 7 years. Sickeningly, the trail went back as far as 1 month after his wife died but evidence if meetings up until last December and some online activity this March. (Don't worry - I screenshot all the evidence, MN has taught me well.)

The feedback leaves no doubt that meetings took place - it's an odd feeling to have your DP described as "clean".

Obviously - my world fell apart a bit but I almost felt relieved that if things were to end, I would be totally justified instead of the feeling that when I've considered finishing the relationship in the past, it was just me being too picky.

I went to work but didn't function particularly well - which is a dangerous thing in my profession. At about 4pm, I could hang on no more so I text to say what I'd found. He text back saying he didn't know what I was talking about and that we could talk when he go home.

In between my text to him and me getting home, the password was changed on the AW account and the account deactivated.

When he got home, he categorically denied anything had happened and that he had never seen any of the emails in his account let alone had any knowledge about the AW account. (All of the emails in his account looked unread but he does get some emails to his phone such as eBay which also looked unread so I don't know what is going on there).

We have been completely normal in front of the children and actually had a nice family day on Sunday.

Yesterday I went for an STI check and looked at what I need to do to have my wages paid into a different account. I text him yesterday to say that the AW account was undoubtably his and that I would let him know if he needed any treatment for STI's. I told him that we could all continue to live together until the house is sold and that we could still go on holiday as both the kids deserve a holiday. I fully acknowledge that in order for us both to continue in jobs and the children continue in their schools, we both need to stay in the house until the money is released to rent somewhere else. My family are local but there's not much room and his family are far away so best for the children.

Anyway, he is horrified that I think the account is his and wants to prove that he must have been hacked (really? For 7 years).

So, my question is - is there the smallest chance that he has been hacked? I have contacted his friend who is an IT expert who says it is possible (he always uses the same passwords and has trouble with his email account. Our Norton security also lapsed but this account predates the computer) but I'm still thinking it's unlikely.

I'm going to ask him to contact the police to report this identity theft to gauge his reaction because so far his efforts to prove to me that he is innocent has included watching football and playing candy crush Angry

I know the answer, I just want to check that I'm ending based on the truth.

Thankyou for reading.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/07/2014 12:39

Unless he is in contact with his own Personal Hacker who very kindly changed the password and closed the account for him immediately, he is a liar who thinks you are too dense to spot it

Greenoes · 01/07/2014 12:43

I feel calmer that his friend knows - but struggling with my conscience about who and when to approach his family. It's the anniversary of his wife's death this week so his in-laws will be up north and we'll host a little celebration of her life for them and DSS - bad timing there but I think I'll wait until after our holiday and contact his late wife's sister.

I think the best way to approach his family might be via the other sister-in-laws (he has 2 brothers) who are both very level headed and straight talking if a little obsessed with tea Grin

OP posts:
Maleducada · 01/07/2014 12:48

he's the one who's let his son down, not you.

Jan45 · 01/07/2014 12:52

Again, how can you even think of going on holiday with the sorry excuse for a man, sounds like you are making it all too easy - and for him.

Anniegetyourgun · 01/07/2014 12:52

It really would be a most unnatural coincidence for the hacker to have happened to use the same password you knew about. They might, of course, have been able to find out what his usual password is if he's lax with security, as you say, but why would they actually use it? I think it's safe to say, they wouldn't. (And, er, if the details are his, and the women are leaving feedback on his performance, wouldn't they sort of notice it wasn't the same guy as advertised? Don't tell me - the light was off, right?)

we, in the main rub along together with a reducing amount of dramas doesn't sound to me like a relationship for which it's worth putting up with a sprinkling of infidelity and lying because it's so good in other ways.

I'm sorry about your DSS though, poor little fellow. Is there any way you can keep in touch with him without carrying on living with his dad?

Greenoes · 01/07/2014 12:53

I've had a message in reply to my "you need to report it to the police" text - "Just want it to go away. Just want to get on with things and not worry"

Yeah, I bet you do Confused

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 01/07/2014 12:54

ps What's wrong with being obsessed with tea? We're British innit?

TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 01/07/2014 12:56

It's possible that the account was set up by someone else using his name and usual password who helpfully updated the postcode on the account when you moved, and changed the password when you told your partner that you'd discovered the account.

It's possible for all the atoms that make up your coffee cup to spontaneously jump six inches to the right at the same time.

Both are just vanishingly unlikely.

Greenoes · 01/07/2014 12:59

The boys deserve a holiday - they only get 1 break a year and they chose the destination and have been counting down to their first trip on a plane (we normally go through the tunnel).

My boy especially needs a break - he has a gruelling contact schedule with his Dad which doesn't allow for any quick half-terms away.

OP posts:
ILoveCoreyHaim · 01/07/2014 13:01

Set up a spoof male account and see if there is any way to message the woman who have left feedback for him

AnyFucker · 01/07/2014 13:03

After this holiday there will be another reason to bury your head in the sand and keep the status quo for the sake of the children

Birthday coming up ? No, can't spoil that

Exams ? No, can't rock the boat

Christmas soon ? No, can't ruin that

Ill family member ? No, can't upset them

It goes on.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 01/07/2014 13:04

Unfortunately "it" is not going to go away. He is.

I don't blame you for deferring the actual split as right now seems like terribly unfortunate timing. Just don't let deferring it lull him into a false sense of security and make him believe that he could try to talk his way out of this. He can't.

Still, if you do have a bit of time before the inevitable, I would suggest you use it to solely discuss how you could remain in his child's life and be a positive influence on him. He's in danger of being made to suffer terribly for something he's had no part in, poor lamb.

Greenoes · 01/07/2014 13:06

IloveCoryHaim (I love CH too) I can't be arsed! It's there, I have proof - it's up to him to provide proof otherwise.

Thanks again for the advice everyone - it means a lot Thanks

Think he's getting a bit cross with me now as he knows I don't believe him. He's coming home without doing overtime as he wants to "sort this out once and for all"...he's "not selling the house or moving out".

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/07/2014 13:07

Not such a "Nice Guy" huh ?

Maleducada · 01/07/2014 13:08

take the boys on holiday!

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 01/07/2014 13:09

Unless he is in contact with his own Personal Hacker who very kindly changed the password and closed the account for him immediately, he is a liar who thinks you are too dense to spot it

Have to say that I was thinking pretty much the same thing.

I agree also that if you wait until after the holiday, that you'll find something else to wait for, and again and again, and pretty soon you'll be still with him for ages.

What's stopping you from taking your DS on holiday without him? Confused

He's trying to shut you up, he's lying to you. I'd be telling his family, my family, and letting the chips fall where they may (protecting the DCs from the damage as much as humanly possible of course).

Greenoes · 01/07/2014 13:10

AF (I really respect your advice and am your MN stalker because I like your outlook on life, but don't worry, I'm not planning on hacking you and setting up any dodgy accounts...yetWink) I know what you're saying but I'd kind of given myself until September to make a decision about the future before all of this. There won't be further delays, I promise you.

OP posts:
AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 01/07/2014 13:10

Yeah, OP - that "sort it out once and for all" does not sound like it will be pleasant. Especially him adding the part about not selling the house or moving out. Please make sure someone in RL knows about this NOW and is checking on you later in case things get a bit nasty when he gets home.

Greenoes · 01/07/2014 13:13

Alice, Thankyou for your concern - the kids will be home before him. Actually - he'll be home first as I've promised to take my sister and her kids to the dentist.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/07/2014 13:14

Don't promise me dude

I don't understand the "wait until September" thing. What future do you think you have with this man ? Confused

Greenoes · 01/07/2014 13:19

The wait until September was at the back of my mind before all of this, I think I've always known that things weren't perfect but wanted to put it down to bereavement and settling as a family after we'd both been independent for a period of time.

September was after the holiday but a whole year before my boy moves to high school so a bit of time to recover before another big move for him. I know I've let him down terribly and I'll never forgive myself for that.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/07/2014 13:20

I see.

You haven't let anyone down, love. Really, you haven't Thanks

Greenoes · 01/07/2014 13:22

I'm just going to stop for a little minute to cry, be back in a while

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/07/2014 13:22

Aww, I am so sorry you have to deal with this x

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 01/07/2014 13:22

Just remember - you do not have to keep his dirty little secret. He will lean on you very heavily to keep it quiet. Don't. He needs consequences and you need support. Tell your family and friends - let them be there for you.