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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is MN clouding my judgement?

220 replies

Greenoes · 01/07/2014 11:32

Hi, I'm not sure what I'm looking for really - perhaps just to write this down.

A bit of background - I've been with my DP for 4.5 years, I'm divorced with 1 DS (10) and DP is widowed with 1 DS (14) we have lived together for nearly 3 years in a house we bought together.

I work full time plus overtime and agency and DP works part time (30 hours) plus occasional overtime - we have a nice house and 1 holiday abroad each year but otherwise we just scrape by with no savings.

It has been hard living in a blended family but I felt like we were starting to see the results of the hard work and we, in the main rub along together with a reducing amount of dramas.

Onto my dilemma...DP was away with DSS on Friday doing some work helping his parents out with some physical work in their garden (they live 200 miles away). I stayed at home as I had to work on Saturday so was just watching TV and mumsnetting on my phoneBlush when I came across a thread that I thought my sister would be interested in. When I tried to email the link to her, names I did not recognise came up in the text box (a couple of which were names I have discovered DP texting and facebooking inappropriately in the past but I had dealt with). Our phones are inexplicably linked through iCloud and Apple and the geniuses in the Apple store can't even fathom it out.

A little spark of doubt/panic made me hack DP's email account (not proud but wasn't hard - usual password) where I found little evidence of communication with other women but I did find evidence of an Adultworks account (Mumsnet radar went into overdrive at this point) so I hacked this account (also very easy) and found 39 feedbacks from women who he had had contact with over the last 7 years. Sickeningly, the trail went back as far as 1 month after his wife died but evidence if meetings up until last December and some online activity this March. (Don't worry - I screenshot all the evidence, MN has taught me well.)

The feedback leaves no doubt that meetings took place - it's an odd feeling to have your DP described as "clean".

Obviously - my world fell apart a bit but I almost felt relieved that if things were to end, I would be totally justified instead of the feeling that when I've considered finishing the relationship in the past, it was just me being too picky.

I went to work but didn't function particularly well - which is a dangerous thing in my profession. At about 4pm, I could hang on no more so I text to say what I'd found. He text back saying he didn't know what I was talking about and that we could talk when he go home.

In between my text to him and me getting home, the password was changed on the AW account and the account deactivated.

When he got home, he categorically denied anything had happened and that he had never seen any of the emails in his account let alone had any knowledge about the AW account. (All of the emails in his account looked unread but he does get some emails to his phone such as eBay which also looked unread so I don't know what is going on there).

We have been completely normal in front of the children and actually had a nice family day on Sunday.

Yesterday I went for an STI check and looked at what I need to do to have my wages paid into a different account. I text him yesterday to say that the AW account was undoubtably his and that I would let him know if he needed any treatment for STI's. I told him that we could all continue to live together until the house is sold and that we could still go on holiday as both the kids deserve a holiday. I fully acknowledge that in order for us both to continue in jobs and the children continue in their schools, we both need to stay in the house until the money is released to rent somewhere else. My family are local but there's not much room and his family are far away so best for the children.

Anyway, he is horrified that I think the account is his and wants to prove that he must have been hacked (really? For 7 years).

So, my question is - is there the smallest chance that he has been hacked? I have contacted his friend who is an IT expert who says it is possible (he always uses the same passwords and has trouble with his email account. Our Norton security also lapsed but this account predates the computer) but I'm still thinking it's unlikely.

I'm going to ask him to contact the police to report this identity theft to gauge his reaction because so far his efforts to prove to me that he is innocent has included watching football and playing candy crush Angry

I know the answer, I just want to check that I'm ending based on the truth.

Thankyou for reading.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 02/07/2014 17:33

OP, you may decide to let it go cos he will not admit so you are left with the grain of hope but believe me, it won't go away, it will stay with you, the trust is broken and you don't actually know this man like you thought you did.

I hope in time you find the strength to move on, otherwise this will happen again, if not that, it will be more inappropriate messages etc.

You know yourself you are worth a lot more than that shit, at least make him leave, if you are meant to be together you will be but right now I don't see how you can.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/07/2014 17:35

He's a liar and a bad liar at that. He must think you are really stupid if he thinks you're going to believe him after spouting that lot of old nonsense.

Computers do not randomly change passwords or deactivate accounts; people do.

Greenoes · 02/07/2014 17:39

I think my question about work might have been answered - I've just gone to collect DSS from swimming where I met him with his kit after school (already has 2 big school bags so don't expect him to carry his swimming kit with him all day too)...he was sitting outside with very dry hair. There was no kit in his kit bag Blush

I'm not sure that trying to keep critically ill people alive would be my best move.

DSS has checked twice that I'm ok and told me I'll get ill if I don't eat.

I'm not really painting my game face on very well am I?

OP posts:
furrlinedsheepskinjacket · 02/07/2014 17:41

sending a hug op you are doing great - keep going

Anniegetyourgun · 02/07/2014 17:57

he's asked a guy in his IT department at work who had the same thing happen with a wife swap site and his wife left for 3 months. This IT guy claimed computers can do all this

Pointing out the bleedin' obvious:

a) You don't even know there is such a guy at work
b) If there is, you don't know what either of them said to each other
c) The guy at work would say that, wouldn't he, if he was (allegedly) accused of the same thing
d) There is no particular reason to trust him anyway as he owes more loyalty to his workmate than to a woman he has never met
e) Men caught with their trousers down have a tendency to lie, lie and lie again.

So it's all a bit thin really.

As an aside, your DSS sounds like a real sweetie. Any chance you could adopt him?!

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 02/07/2014 18:05

he's asked a guy in his IT department at work who had the same thing happen with a wife swap site and his wife left for 3 months. This IT guy claimed computers can do all this

have you noticed that they ALWAYS have some sort of "anecdote" to back themselves up? Always obscure, someone else, someone at work... I know a guy who knows a guy.....

sad, pathetic attempt at a cover up

GenuinelyMaryMacguire · 02/07/2014 20:02

I'm not really painting my game face on very well am I?
You are allowed to be shaken, sad, disappointed, hurt and all those things. Its ok, its expected.
You are doing very well. Really. Keep fighting on. Don't get caught up in any of his stories or in trying to work out what has happened. You have the evidence you need already. Sort out life for yourself, your son and possibly even your stepson.

Twinklestein · 02/07/2014 20:15

Personally, I think IT guy was likely involved in similar shenanigans and came up with a plausible sounding explanation with which he managed to gull his wife.

CeliaFate · 02/07/2014 20:25

He's made up the I.T. guy story to try and fob you off, surely?

Have you spoken to him face to face or is all this via text?

Twinklestein · 02/07/2014 20:38

I assumed the IT guy was a lie, but then there seemed to be a possibility of talking OP talking to him...

I don't believe his account of his discussion with police either. I think they would have just told him to bugger off.

Twinklestein · 02/07/2014 20:42

I've just re-read the OP's posts and I recalled incorrectly: I thought she was going to talk to the IT guy, whereas in fact she just said she wanted to.

Yes, he doesn't exist.

Cabrinha · 02/07/2014 20:42

You've had fabulous advice and support, and of course everyone has agreed with you that he is a liar.

I just thought I'd add an extra hug to the pile, as my STBXH used prostitutes, and also had an AW account - although I only found and saw that used just after we split. Plenty of other prostitute contact evidence though!

You don't need to go super sleuthing, you know what you saw. But a tip from me anyway, as I know how desperate I was to accumulate the evidence... Sat nav. I matched 2 recent post code searches (just typing them in online) to massage parlour addresses. Nice.

Anyway - big hugs to you. It sucks. I will tell you though, by far the worst for me, my feelings, when I eventually left was having stuck around so long. I got the "a mate hacked my email for a laugh" shit. He still won't admit that one. I have signed divorce papers (yay!) saying he fucked prostitutes, but he still maintains a laughable pretence that some things weren't him. They really do think er.'re stupid.

If the IT man exists, I feel so sorry for his wife going back to him.

alphabook · 02/07/2014 20:47

What a pathetic excuse for a man.

So he's basically saying that someone set up an account in his name, with his usual password and all his personal details, and visited real prostitutes based on the feedback given.

So why not contact the women involved? They are the only ones who can back him up that it wasn't him they had sex with.

Somehow I suspect he won't want to do that though...but suggest it to his face and see what his reaction is. It'll tell you a lot.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 02/07/2014 21:41

He's suggesting that a random internet hacker set up an AW account with his email address, used his usual password, visited sex workers and received feedback on this account, and when you found out about it the random internet stranger just happened to deactivate the account that very moment?

Does he think you were born yesterday?

I wouldn't even bother with the fiction of reporting this to the police to be honest. So what if he does? What are the police going to do? He can report it, insist on a crime number to show you, meanwhile the police are laughing at him and ripping up the forms, then somehow use that as 'proof' that his cock and bill story is real.

Maleducada · 02/07/2014 21:54

and the police would pity you, they'd think you'd bought his story. That 38 feedbacks (OMG - was it that many? God almightY) They'd think you were as green as he clearly thinks you are.............

poor step son. Later, when he's insinuating that YOU are breaking up the family, your ss will know that you were upset. The next move in the script is to make you feel bad about breaking up the family. I know your step son is going to be upset, but it's not right that he should think that you pulled the plug on your lives as they are now.

Maleducada · 02/07/2014 21:56

i'm thinking of all the things i've bought on amazon and I've left feedback about ten per cent of the time. Mostly I don't bother. So that makes 38 feedbacks seem like the product of god only knows what number.

Twinklestein · 02/07/2014 22:03

39 including CurvyJessica81...

I would insist he does not waste police time with his bollocks.

I'm actually embarrassed for him.

Greenoes · 02/07/2014 22:12

Thankyou all for your responses - you are all so kind Smile

Had a long talk this evening when he noticed I'd taken my engagement ring off (it actually disappeared on Monday - not the most observant is he?)

He's quite distraught and wants me to tell him what he has to do to make me believe him. I can't answer the question though.

He's still going to go to the police tomorrow although he acknowledges that this won't prove anything immediately. He said that he would be stupid to jeopardise what he has with me as he isn't as financially secure as I am and would be left with nothing.

I have decided to go to work tomorrow so I need him to take my son to my Mum's before school as I leave too early and DP is not very happy that they know what is going on. He started to say something about what he would say to them but I cut him off and warned him not to say a single mean thing about the people who this morning have offered to gift him their house so that he can continue to provide for his son - he had to admit that they obviously aren't going to start a row on the doorstep with him.

My son has noticed how sad I am and given me so many cuddles. He said I can always talk to him as we'll always be friends - how did I produce such a sweetheart?

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 02/07/2014 22:14

YY! The feedback might not be the total number of visits. Not everyone leaves feedback. :( he diesnt deserve you to be as considerate as you are being. I'd like to think if it were me ;and I know it's easier said than done) but I'd like to think I'd kick him out straight away. Show him you mean business. He's insulting you further with the denial.

mammadiggingdeep · 02/07/2014 22:17

X post.

He is just ridiculous. I can't believe he expects you to believe it. There's nothing he can do to make you believe it is there? You know what you know.

Do you think space would help? Ask him to leave for a few weeks, so you can think straight? Or is that hard with shift work and child care?

frames · 02/07/2014 22:24

There could be 3900. But until Op can see his behaviour as unacceptable, this situation could continue. Sometimes its just so foggy out there.

Greenoes · 02/07/2014 22:24

If he isn't here, DS would have to stay at my Mum's the night before my day shifts and all the time I'm on nights (3 weeks days/3 weeks nights)

Also, no money in the pot for B&B Sad

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 02/07/2014 22:29

he would be stupid to jeopardise what he has with me as he isn't as financially secure as I am and would be left with nothing

Ahh I see, now we're getting to it. This is why he's clinging to these ludicrous lies.

He's just dropped even lower in my estimation.

carlywurly · 02/07/2014 22:36

I'm so sorry op. This sounds utterly shit. Don't worry about leaving him in the financial lurch, god knows what those 39 feedbacks cost - probably the equivalent of a small family car Hmm

WhizzFucker · 02/07/2014 22:40

It is lovely that you want to put off causing earthquakes when his in-laws are around and that you don't want to spoil the boys' holiday. Also very sensible not to rush into selling the house while you're still in shock.

But you don't need to be engaging with him and you shouldn't be making stuff easy for him.

For tomorrow, I'd let him deal with his in-laws and family and just be away and out of the house entirely. He can make up an excuse to them if he wants.

After that, I would tell him to get out of the house and find some mate's floor or whatever to kip on for the meantime.

I'd let him know he wasn't welcome on the holiday and either go with just your son or with dss too if all are happy with that. If 'D'P insists on coming you should be able to swap plane seats, hotel rooms around etc so you don't need to be with him at all.

Don't bother responding to his pathetic texts. Take control and let him know how things are going to be for the next little while and then block his mobile number and email if necessary.

Hopefully then, with a bit of headspace and your own family / supportive friends, you'll be able to get to grips with the situation and work out the practicalities for the future.

Good luck.