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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is MN clouding my judgement?

220 replies

Greenoes · 01/07/2014 11:32

Hi, I'm not sure what I'm looking for really - perhaps just to write this down.

A bit of background - I've been with my DP for 4.5 years, I'm divorced with 1 DS (10) and DP is widowed with 1 DS (14) we have lived together for nearly 3 years in a house we bought together.

I work full time plus overtime and agency and DP works part time (30 hours) plus occasional overtime - we have a nice house and 1 holiday abroad each year but otherwise we just scrape by with no savings.

It has been hard living in a blended family but I felt like we were starting to see the results of the hard work and we, in the main rub along together with a reducing amount of dramas.

Onto my dilemma...DP was away with DSS on Friday doing some work helping his parents out with some physical work in their garden (they live 200 miles away). I stayed at home as I had to work on Saturday so was just watching TV and mumsnetting on my phoneBlush when I came across a thread that I thought my sister would be interested in. When I tried to email the link to her, names I did not recognise came up in the text box (a couple of which were names I have discovered DP texting and facebooking inappropriately in the past but I had dealt with). Our phones are inexplicably linked through iCloud and Apple and the geniuses in the Apple store can't even fathom it out.

A little spark of doubt/panic made me hack DP's email account (not proud but wasn't hard - usual password) where I found little evidence of communication with other women but I did find evidence of an Adultworks account (Mumsnet radar went into overdrive at this point) so I hacked this account (also very easy) and found 39 feedbacks from women who he had had contact with over the last 7 years. Sickeningly, the trail went back as far as 1 month after his wife died but evidence if meetings up until last December and some online activity this March. (Don't worry - I screenshot all the evidence, MN has taught me well.)

The feedback leaves no doubt that meetings took place - it's an odd feeling to have your DP described as "clean".

Obviously - my world fell apart a bit but I almost felt relieved that if things were to end, I would be totally justified instead of the feeling that when I've considered finishing the relationship in the past, it was just me being too picky.

I went to work but didn't function particularly well - which is a dangerous thing in my profession. At about 4pm, I could hang on no more so I text to say what I'd found. He text back saying he didn't know what I was talking about and that we could talk when he go home.

In between my text to him and me getting home, the password was changed on the AW account and the account deactivated.

When he got home, he categorically denied anything had happened and that he had never seen any of the emails in his account let alone had any knowledge about the AW account. (All of the emails in his account looked unread but he does get some emails to his phone such as eBay which also looked unread so I don't know what is going on there).

We have been completely normal in front of the children and actually had a nice family day on Sunday.

Yesterday I went for an STI check and looked at what I need to do to have my wages paid into a different account. I text him yesterday to say that the AW account was undoubtably his and that I would let him know if he needed any treatment for STI's. I told him that we could all continue to live together until the house is sold and that we could still go on holiday as both the kids deserve a holiday. I fully acknowledge that in order for us both to continue in jobs and the children continue in their schools, we both need to stay in the house until the money is released to rent somewhere else. My family are local but there's not much room and his family are far away so best for the children.

Anyway, he is horrified that I think the account is his and wants to prove that he must have been hacked (really? For 7 years).

So, my question is - is there the smallest chance that he has been hacked? I have contacted his friend who is an IT expert who says it is possible (he always uses the same passwords and has trouble with his email account. Our Norton security also lapsed but this account predates the computer) but I'm still thinking it's unlikely.

I'm going to ask him to contact the police to report this identity theft to gauge his reaction because so far his efforts to prove to me that he is innocent has included watching football and playing candy crush Angry

I know the answer, I just want to check that I'm ending based on the truth.

Thankyou for reading.

OP posts:
Greenoes · 04/07/2014 12:18

Hi, I'm still here - thanks for thinking of me.

Had a good day on my study day yesterday and feel glad that I went (also feel a bit inspired for my essay that I should be writing)

We are kind of co-existing as parents but not partners right now whilst finances get unravelled. I've paid my credit card off as well so things look a bit straighter to divide up. No nastiness or malice which I was worried about.

I'm going into work tonight so I've made arrangements for my son to be at my parents tomorrow whilst I'm asleep so I'm not relying on him for child care, then me and my son will spend Sunday with my family as it's my sister's birthday - I'm not allowed to say how big a birthday as she is a mumsnetter! (Waves at big sister! - 40 candles, eh? Fire hazard much?) I'm used to going on my own to stuff anyway so questions won't be asked by extended family.

DSS has been nominated for SuperPupil at school - see, I was right with my no ironing of uniform policy Smile

My head is slightly less scrambly today thanks everyone!

PS - police said nothing they can do as long as our bank account doesn't get accessed and that seems unaffected (except for the bizarre National Lottery payment IN for £10 - I don't do the lottery and DP (or should I say HM for house mate) pays cash for his lottery and the £1 payment awaiting to go to Tesco's which is nothing to do with us.)

Thanks again for the support and private messages (who knew about that facility?!?) Thanks

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 04/07/2014 12:27

So are you kicking him out OP? Does he know that?

glasgowstevenagain · 04/07/2014 12:31

Also, no money in the pot for B&B sad

--- Money in the pot for Adultwork though.

between 100 - 150 an hour...

plus bookings that were booked over the phone with no feedback.

5K +++.

Greenoes · 04/07/2014 12:33

There's nowhere to kick to - no money for renting and he has no friends or family up north. If he went to his Mum's he would need to change jobs and DSS would have to move schools at an important time (he started his options this year).

My family are local but there's no room for me and my son and it worries me that if my son's Dad (not DP) found out we were couch surfing - he wouldn't hesitate to go for custardy. I'm just trying to be fair to everyone.

OP posts:
Greenoes · 04/07/2014 12:34

Not sure that's how you spell custardy but my phone thinks it is - who am I to argue?

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 04/07/2014 12:40

Custody! Smile

I'd say that where he goes and how he pays for it is his problem OP. I really would. Could you keep DSS with you short term while he sorts himself out?

Greenoes · 04/07/2014 12:47

Custody! Bloody hell! I have a degree! Blush (My phone is used to writing about food based things so probably didn't flinch about something being a bit custardy)

DP and DSS are inseparable - they have been a neat little team since DP's wife died and they found themselves all alone hundreds of miles from support.

If DP used his wages to pay for somewhere else, I couldn't afford to live here anyway so we'd end up in a right mess with repossession! I'd like to buy again one day so can't risk that.

I've thought about every scenario and discussed it at length with my Dad (accountant) - staying here until it's sold is the best solution we can come up with.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 04/07/2014 12:51

But he knows that you are not together any more? Because of the prostitute habit?

Greenoes · 04/07/2014 12:56

He knows that we're not together because I don't (can't) believe him.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 04/07/2014 12:58

I would be tempted to ask him to sign some kind of separation agreement. Just so he is clear that you have left him and why

glasgowstevenagain · 04/07/2014 13:10

www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/scottish-news/police-officer-posts-pictures-uniform-1390160

It happens - I know this family - she stayed with him!

GenuinelyMaryMacguire · 04/07/2014 13:11

Glad you're ok.

VSeth · 04/07/2014 14:14

You are brilliant OP and you are doing brilliantly.

I know it's early days but in the future you will look back on this and realise that you did the right thing by everyone. The boys can be friends, I know situations where couples have broken up and the children have stayed in touch.

At some point in the not too distant future get your son off to a sleepover or night with grand parents and get dressed up and go out dancing, drinking with your girlfriends.

hamptoncourt · 04/07/2014 14:44

Greenoes there are other solutions and you really do need to see a solicitor. I am sure your Dad s brilliant but he is an accountant not a family law expert.

It sounds like you need a mesher order but get 30 mins free legal advice and at least then you can make a plan which will make you feel a bit better/more in control.

I just do not know how you can live under the same roof as this man when you know what he has been doing and then putting it in you.

Also, just in case nobody else has mentioned it, you need to get an STI check. sorry.

GenuinelyMaryMacguire · 04/07/2014 14:46

she's on it, hamptoncourt

Greenoes · 04/07/2014 16:06

Hamptoncourt, I went for testing on Monday - Practice Nurse said I would get a text yesterday or today if anything worrying came back. No text so far Smile

OP posts:
Greenoes · 04/07/2014 16:13

I've just Googled Mesher orders - I earn double what he earns and he would need the release of funds from the house to start again...we both would.

OP posts:
Maleducada · 04/07/2014 19:35

Good news re no news

lemonmuffin1 · 04/07/2014 20:13

You're doing great love, coping with everything.

AF what do you think?

AnyFucker · 04/07/2014 20:30

hiya lemon, what do I think about what ?

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