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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is MN clouding my judgement?

220 replies

Greenoes · 01/07/2014 11:32

Hi, I'm not sure what I'm looking for really - perhaps just to write this down.

A bit of background - I've been with my DP for 4.5 years, I'm divorced with 1 DS (10) and DP is widowed with 1 DS (14) we have lived together for nearly 3 years in a house we bought together.

I work full time plus overtime and agency and DP works part time (30 hours) plus occasional overtime - we have a nice house and 1 holiday abroad each year but otherwise we just scrape by with no savings.

It has been hard living in a blended family but I felt like we were starting to see the results of the hard work and we, in the main rub along together with a reducing amount of dramas.

Onto my dilemma...DP was away with DSS on Friday doing some work helping his parents out with some physical work in their garden (they live 200 miles away). I stayed at home as I had to work on Saturday so was just watching TV and mumsnetting on my phoneBlush when I came across a thread that I thought my sister would be interested in. When I tried to email the link to her, names I did not recognise came up in the text box (a couple of which were names I have discovered DP texting and facebooking inappropriately in the past but I had dealt with). Our phones are inexplicably linked through iCloud and Apple and the geniuses in the Apple store can't even fathom it out.

A little spark of doubt/panic made me hack DP's email account (not proud but wasn't hard - usual password) where I found little evidence of communication with other women but I did find evidence of an Adultworks account (Mumsnet radar went into overdrive at this point) so I hacked this account (also very easy) and found 39 feedbacks from women who he had had contact with over the last 7 years. Sickeningly, the trail went back as far as 1 month after his wife died but evidence if meetings up until last December and some online activity this March. (Don't worry - I screenshot all the evidence, MN has taught me well.)

The feedback leaves no doubt that meetings took place - it's an odd feeling to have your DP described as "clean".

Obviously - my world fell apart a bit but I almost felt relieved that if things were to end, I would be totally justified instead of the feeling that when I've considered finishing the relationship in the past, it was just me being too picky.

I went to work but didn't function particularly well - which is a dangerous thing in my profession. At about 4pm, I could hang on no more so I text to say what I'd found. He text back saying he didn't know what I was talking about and that we could talk when he go home.

In between my text to him and me getting home, the password was changed on the AW account and the account deactivated.

When he got home, he categorically denied anything had happened and that he had never seen any of the emails in his account let alone had any knowledge about the AW account. (All of the emails in his account looked unread but he does get some emails to his phone such as eBay which also looked unread so I don't know what is going on there).

We have been completely normal in front of the children and actually had a nice family day on Sunday.

Yesterday I went for an STI check and looked at what I need to do to have my wages paid into a different account. I text him yesterday to say that the AW account was undoubtably his and that I would let him know if he needed any treatment for STI's. I told him that we could all continue to live together until the house is sold and that we could still go on holiday as both the kids deserve a holiday. I fully acknowledge that in order for us both to continue in jobs and the children continue in their schools, we both need to stay in the house until the money is released to rent somewhere else. My family are local but there's not much room and his family are far away so best for the children.

Anyway, he is horrified that I think the account is his and wants to prove that he must have been hacked (really? For 7 years).

So, my question is - is there the smallest chance that he has been hacked? I have contacted his friend who is an IT expert who says it is possible (he always uses the same passwords and has trouble with his email account. Our Norton security also lapsed but this account predates the computer) but I'm still thinking it's unlikely.

I'm going to ask him to contact the police to report this identity theft to gauge his reaction because so far his efforts to prove to me that he is innocent has included watching football and playing candy crush Angry

I know the answer, I just want to check that I'm ending based on the truth.

Thankyou for reading.

OP posts:
GenuinelyMaryMacguire · 02/07/2014 11:44

Forget CurvyJessica. She has nothing to do with your life. His confessions or otherwise are nothing to you. His behaviour means you can't be with him. He has cheated and lied, and spent your joint money on prostitutes. Just shake him off, and everything that goes with him.

LoisPuddingLane · 02/07/2014 11:49

Another thought - do you have to pay to join this website? Would it be on a credit card statement somewhere?

Greenoes · 02/07/2014 12:05

I don't know if you have to pay to join - and there is a credit card and a "budget" account that he operates the bills out of. Our joint account has the wages going in and the mortgage going out as well as a certain amount each month going to the "budget" account to cover all the other bills. Anything left is spending money.

Having a bit of a crap day...really just want to hide under the duvet until the coast is clear.

My parents are supportive whatever I choose and can see that the kids must come first. They have even discussed giving up their home for DP and DSS and coming to live with me and my son - I would never ask them to do that although they did say that living with a nurse might have it's advantages as they get older!

My sister is so lovely and has been a massive support but is getting frustrated with me a bit as it's very cut and dried "house on the market today" for her (I suppose this is the advice I would give to anyone else if I was looking at it from the outside.)

My life is a carousel and I can't get off.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 02/07/2014 12:13

I think you need to come to terms with the shock before start making any big decisions.

As your family, they love you and want what is best. So they are pressing you to do things quickly to get away.

Take your time. Do things at your pace. They will support you no matter what.

Bless your mum and dad. They sound lovely.
Hope today gets better for you though.
Onwards and upwards!

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 02/07/2014 12:17

I suspect that to some extent, they are worried he will talk you around and you will stay with him.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 02/07/2014 12:35

My response to anything he says would be "I don't care about your denials because I know the truth, so just stop treating me like an idiot with your pretence of innocence."

Unless you accompany him to the police you can be absolutely certain that he won't be going. Because he'll lie about that as well with some story he manages to make up.

He's going to do everything he can to get rid of any evidence he may think you have. If he knows your email password I would change it now. Set up a new email account and forward your screen-shots to it. Delete them from your "sent items".

Then once it's over and you're free of him you'll have the choice about whether to send those screen-shots to his family or not.

Meanwhile, visit a local estate agent or two.

mammadiggingdeep · 02/07/2014 12:48

No big decisions. One foot in front of the other and get through today. Your family sound amazing. To be honest, I happen to agree with your sister. It is pretty cut and dried really. Can you be with somebody who has usd prostitutes ? potentually for 7 years? Continues to lie? If the answer is no then that's how cut and dried it is.

The best thing I got told that was relevant to be was
"I knew it was over in my head, my heart had to catch up".

You're doing so well.

Greenoes · 02/07/2014 12:52

I've got a mantra...

"Everybody fed, nobody dead"

It's helping.

OP posts:
GenuinelyMaryMacguire · 02/07/2014 12:57

Don't move in with your parents, or let them move out for DP, son or no son. You have to be an adult and have an adult life, in a couple of years maybe, when this is all tidy.

For now, just plod on. I like your mantra.

mammadiggingdeep · 02/07/2014 13:32

Love your mantra. It's so true too. I used to say "I'm not the first and I won't be the last (woman in my situation)".

VSeth · 02/07/2014 14:32

I second the idea of protectIng the evidence, are they screenshots on phone/computer? Either way get a copy of them to someone else and change your passwords.

Greenoes · 02/07/2014 15:50

The screenshots are on my phone but I've sent them to my friend and his friend (the IT bloke). I can tell he's looked at my phone as it was upside down when I woke up on Sunday morning but he's not deleted them.

This afternoon's efforts -

Promise you I've done nothing.
Tomos morning going to police station in opposite to see if they can help. said they couldn't help him when he got dodgy messages from a wife swap site, but note it and if anything happens to our bank etc. they have it on record. He was told more than likely a computer sending out stuff randomly, he changed all passwords and hasn't had anything for 2 years.
But said need to change bank, and all passwords we have for everything.
Tell you all about it later, doing all I can to sort. Been in loo today crying for so angry, upset, don't want anything to happen that makes me lose you xxx

OP posts:
hamptoncourt · 02/07/2014 15:53

I have a new mantra for you

He is a liar, he is a liar, he is a liar

Jan45 · 02/07/2014 16:34

The feedback leaves no doubt that meetings took place - it's an odd feeling to have your DP described as "clean".

This esp sticks in my throat.

The Police will laugh him out the place but I bet you all the tea in China he won't even go near one.

rosepetalsoup · 02/07/2014 16:37

Bloody hell OP! Poor you. This would be too much for me I would leave immediately.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/07/2014 16:40

Insist that you want to go with him as you have some information regarding it.
That the password changed and the account was deactivated when you challenged him.
Jeez, he really is a twat.

And he was on a wife swap site!
It just gets worse and worse.
Sounds like you accepted his lies that time.
Don't make the mistake of doing again this time.

Quitelikely · 02/07/2014 16:41

I like Hampton courts mantra. Liar liar liar.

He changed his password as soon as you confronted him. Don't doubt yourself.

rosepetalsoup · 02/07/2014 16:41

Also seriously, imagine your son as a grown man and you telling him you stayed so he could have a holiday / less turmoil but that his stepdad had been cheating, nastily. Your son would be upset and annoyed and wish wish wish you had gone sooner.

Jan45 · 02/07/2014 16:44

OP 4 and a half years is nothing in a relationship, you can easily start again with a man that isn't a complete sleaze ball.

And this: I have discovered DP texting and facebooking inappropriately in the past but I had dealt with). .....all that in 4.5 years, seriously OP get out and start afresh, he cannot be trusted, he's proving that to you time and time again.

Greenoes · 02/07/2014 16:55

Sorry, he wasn't on a wife swap site - he's asked a guy in his IT department at work who had the same thing happen with a wife swap site and his wife left for 3 months. This IT guy claimed computers can do all this - I'd like to talk to him to discuss!

I'm not convinced computers can change passwords or deactivate accounts - especially as I accessed it all from my phone.

Been working out money today with my Dad - trying to do practical things and found the mortgage paperwork to look at redemption fees etc.

Tomorrow, I'm supposed to be on a study day at work - not sure I can face 8 hours of dementia and delirium training. If I don't go I'll have to ring in sick though - then I'm in nights on Friday and Saturday...don't know what to do about that.

Tomorrow is also the anniversary of his wife's death so his in laws will be here from lunchtime...not sure I can look them in the eye so maybe hiding out at the back of dementia hell might be best.

OP posts:
ashtrayheart · 02/07/2014 17:04

I read an article in a magazine about a situation just like yours. Turns out he was a 'sex addict'Hmm aw bless Hmm and she took him back. Be warned this will be the approach if he feels he has to confess! What an arse, good luck with getting away from him x

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 02/07/2014 17:05

Computers will not just randomly change passwords or deactivate accounts, especially not immediately after their wives.... oops wait a minute. Yeah, it was him. This nonsense he is spouting about computer hacking is just that....nonsense. God, he really is unbelievable.

You know, he can make the police report over the phone and bring in the evidence later. Perhaps you should encourage him to report it tonight to get it over with before his family shows up tomorrow.

Jan45 · 02/07/2014 17:09

He's in no rush to report this because it was him and is him. Seriously OP he will say and his friend will say anything, no way will he own up to this, no way. So, you either suck it up or actually do something about it.

Stay strong OP, you know in your gut it's all true, it's normal to hang on to any scrap of possibility because ultimately you are destroyed, he has killed it. And, he has form, that matters.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 02/07/2014 17:16

Typically, he is most likely thinking the longer he can deny it and hold onto keeping everything normal, the more likely you are to let it slide and give in.

magoria · 02/07/2014 17:29

It's amazing that even if (BIG IF) he were hacked 7 years ago. He has never EVER seen one of the emails in his account that you found. With 39 feedbacks from women (ug will you ever feel clean again?) that is going to be a fair bunch of emails saying are you available x date, how much, where etc.

Also the instant that you found one of these emails and told him the account password was changed and deactivated.

What a bloody amazing coincidence... Or biggest pile of BS going!

I am sorry you are going through this. I hope your STI results are all clear.