Is MN clouding my judgement?

[Greenoes]

Hi, I'm not sure what I'm looking for really - perhaps just to write this down.

A bit of background - I've been with my DP for 4.5 years, I'm divorced with 1 DS (10) and DP is widowed with 1 DS (14) we have lived together for nearly 3 years in a house we bought together.

I work full time plus overtime and agency and DP works part time (30 hours) plus occasional overtime - we have a nice house and 1 holiday abroad each year but otherwise we just scrape by with no savings.

It has been hard living in a blended family but I felt like we were starting to see the results of the hard work and we, in the main rub along together with a reducing amount of dramas.

Onto my dilemma...DP was away with DSS on Friday doing some work helping his parents out with some physical work in their garden (they live 200 miles away). I stayed at home as I had to work on Saturday so was just watching TV and mumsnetting on my phone when I came across a thread that I thought my sister would be interested in. When I tried to email the link to her, names I did not recognise came up in the text box (a couple of which were names I have discovered DP texting and facebooking inappropriately in the past but I had dealt with). Our phones are inexplicably linked through iCloud and Apple and the geniuses in the Apple store can't even fathom it out.

A little spark of doubt/panic made me hack DP's email account (not proud but wasn't hard - usual password) where I found little evidence of communication with other women but I did find evidence of an Adultworks account (Mumsnet radar went into overdrive at this point) so I hacked this account (also very easy) and found 39 feedbacks from women who he had had contact with over the last 7 years. Sickeningly, the trail went back as far as 1 month after his wife died but evidence if meetings up until last December and some online activity this March. (Don't worry - I screenshot all the evidence, MN has taught me well.)

The feedback leaves no doubt that meetings took place - it's an odd feeling to have your DP described as "clean".

Obviously - my world fell apart a bit but I almost felt relieved that if things were to end, I would be totally justified instead of the feeling that when I've considered finishing the relationship in the past, it was just me being too picky.

I went to work but didn't function particularly well - which is a dangerous thing in my profession. At about 4pm, I could hang on no more so I text to say what I'd found. He text back saying he didn't know what I was talking about and that we could talk when he go home.

In between my text to him and me getting home, the password was changed on the AW account and the account deactivated.

When he got home, he categorically denied anything had happened and that he had never seen any of the emails in his account let alone had any knowledge about the AW account. (All of the emails in his account looked unread but he does get some emails to his phone such as eBay which also looked unread so I don't know what is going on there).

We have been completely normal in front of the children and actually had a nice family day on Sunday.

Yesterday I went for an STI check and looked at what I need to do to have my wages paid into a different account. I text him yesterday to say that the AW account was undoubtably his and that I would let him know if he needed any treatment for STI's. I told him that we could all continue to live together until the house is sold and that we could still go on holiday as both the kids deserve a holiday. I fully acknowledge that in order for us both to continue in jobs and the children continue in their schools, we both need to stay in the house until the money is released to rent somewhere else. My family are local but there's not much room and his family are far away so best for the children.

Anyway, he is horrified that I think the account is his and wants to prove that he must have been hacked (really? For 7 years).

So, my question is - is there the smallest chance that he has been hacked? I have contacted his friend who is an IT expert who says it is possible (he always uses the same passwords and has trouble with his email account. Our Norton security also lapsed but this account predates the computer) but I'm still thinking it's unlikely.

I'm going to ask him to contact the police to report this identity theft to gauge his reaction because so far his efforts to prove to me that he is innocent has included watching football and playing candy crush

I know the answer, I just want to check that I'm ending based on the truth.

Thankyou for reading.

I would reiterate this; YOU have not let anyone down here.

The only person that has done that here is this man.

In the meantime I would seek legal advice as to what your financial position is re the property and finances. You could also possibly go on holiday with your son and without this man too.

greenoes

I am also very sorry that your man has let you down so badly here .

You haven't let your DS down.

You can get him through the change. He only needs you.

I agree. Different set of circumstances entirely but I kept my x's bad behaviour quiet (for the sake of appearances) which robbed me of badly needed support and perspective and it meant there were no consequences to his behaviour to me.

Also, I think it's really important to react in the aftermath of the discovery because I remember that if you try and keep going for a while, then it becomes like, it is 'dramatic' to suddenly bail now when you endured it for 3,4.5 months. It is like it's not their behaviour that caused the end of the relationship, but it begins to be re-scripted, like the relationship ended because of your inability to cope, your inability to move on, your dramatic histrionics...........blah blah blah. This guy isn't looking inwards for answers when he says he just wants to be able to not worry, so my postponing a reaction to his behaviour, the reason for the break up will be re-scripted in his head if you postpone your reaction.

YOU haven't let anyone down!

Go on holiday, but not with him! And you're gonna swallow this shit until September, god I don't know how you can.

Instead of texting him saying he needs to report the hacker, you need to be telling him you do not BELIEVE his story, nobody would! He either fesses up or it's over.

I don't see him fessing up to anything, he sounds so stubborn and entitled he'll keep the lie going until he wears you down and you give in for a bit of peace but believe me it will be short lived, he's put the seed of doubt in your head and not for the first time, that will never go away!

I always find it somewhat bewildering how men can outright lie to your face, and then get angry when the woman they are speaking to doesn't simply accept their absolutely USELESS excuses, without a second thought.

They strike me as the kind of people who see women as pets or possessions, because it's inconceivable that they would argue back with you.

Sounds like your partner takes you for an absolute cretin.

Please stop feeling guilty about what "you" are doing the children immediately. Were you the one seeing prostitutes on the side? No. So this is in no way your fault. Leave the guilt to your partner. If his family ask, then tell them the truth. Just say "I found evidence that he has been seeing prostitutes" and leave it at that. They deserve to hear first hand what an utter piece of shit he is.

No wonder you guys are scraping by for money when he's out blowing it on whores.

yes, it's funny (nearly) that he thinks you'd believe that.

If I was caught out in such a big lie, i just can't imagine pushing water uphill, clinging to the lie. It is so contemptuous of those around you. Like you don't want real relationships, you just want them to stay in their roles. Bizarre.

She said she was going to give it till September before this - the plan is to cut it a lot shorter now.

I'm sorry. You're doing amazingly well and he's a cheat who has let everyone down.
Trust the evidence, not what he says. Get your legal/financial position sorted asap.

OP, don't let him plant doubts or grind you down if you delay the inevitable.

It simply is not possible this is a hacker. For one, why would they bother? Why not just set up a random yahoo or gmail email account? No one needs to hack into someone else's email account for this. Then there's all the other details matching perfectly. And the hacker mysteriously changing it the second you were on to him.

I'm so very sorry he did this to you, and I'm so very sorry he is making it worse by trying to continue the lies.

Some people can look you right in the face and lie, and insist that black is white and up is down and left is right, and you are wrong to challenge that. My ex could. His refrain 'Are you calling me a liar?'. Well, yes. It's a terrible shock to find out you were with someone like that and it does make it worse. He's acting as if you are a moron. I'm so sorry. Look after yourself and your two lovely boys. Be smart and make your plans. Sod him.

I'm at my Mum and Dad's...they're ace (but only have a teeeeeeeeny house, before anyone suggests it)

He's text to say how can he prove he's innocent? I told him that he would need to show me any proof he can find...this was his reply :

How can I? If all comes back and proves I'm innocent. What good is that, you have decided I'm unfaithful and what you going to say oh ok that's fine. I'm hurting bad because you think that's me and I don't know what to think xxx

This is all going to end up being my fault isn't it?

No it won't be your fault OP. show his family the screen shots and explain about the password change after the confrontation. Until I got to that part of your story I was giving him the benefit of the doubt.

He has behaved terribly. I hope he doesn't wear you down into giving him another chance whilst your on holiday.

Yes, he will try to turn it around to you

But you do not have to accept it

he can't "prove he is innocent" because you have proof he is a dodgy fucker

he will try to minimise it of course. First he set up a meeting but didn't go, then he went but couldn't get it up, then it was just a kiss, then he fucked some escorts but it was because he's a sex addict blah blah fucking blah

who cares ?

this is your choice if you don't want to live like this...he made his choice when he brought sleaze into your relationship without your permission

my advice is to simply stop engaging with him

you won't get any answers you can trust and he will fuck with your head until you don't know your arse from your elbow

look to your external support, he is not your support, not your friend and certainly not an honourable person with integrity

you don't need someone like that in your life, and neither do your kids need to witness you allowing it

(unfortunately youn cannot change the fact that he is still their father, but that is a separate relationship he has with them)

take the time now to start unpicking now how best to co-parent and resist any attempts to bamboozle you back into his bed

I do agree with waiting until after the anniversary. Very considerate of you to do that.

Wow, I really feel for you.. I can feel the pain you feel for the children so much.

There isn't an explanation though, there can't be.. like others have said, even if he was hacked, they wouldn't have changed the password that exact hour, it was him. I'm sure you already realise that though.

As for the children, it's a real shame this has happened, but that is his burden to carry.. you can only do your best, and your best option is to leave him.

I just wanted to add some support re the children. My mum discovered a year after she's left my dad for my stepdad that my stepdad had been unfaithful to her. She put up with him for years and years because she felt so unbelievably guilty about putting me through another move and upset. Years later after serial affairs he left her anyway which was the point at which she told me about everything that happened over the previous 16 years. It would have been better beyond measure if she'd left at the first sign of trouble. I felt so unutterably sad for her that her guilt about her dcs had led her to lead a miserable life. Please know that your dc will be fine and you wil be too.

This man is beneath contempt and should be treated by you as such. Note too there is no real remorse or even hint of an apology; just more mud slinging on his part.

He is basically saying, "well are you calling me a liar?".

I feel for both your son and his in all this because this man is no decent role model for either of them to look up to. Go on holiday and take this man's name off the booking. I would not wait for September to come around either.

Luckily (?) he is only DSS's father - my boy already has a father who is actually not too terrible considering he went off and married my friend.

I knew early on that I didn't want to have children with him - I didn't want my DS to be the only one that wasn't "his" as I thought he would be very much the outsider if any more children came along. I would have loved to have been a mum again so this was an agonising decision but I made it a long time ago.

If (when) we split, he will have his son and I will have mine. No ties (other than me wishing I could have been there for his son - he has been dealt a bit of a shitty hand)

How do these two boys generally get along with each other?.

He isn't going to admit to you that he's a nasty bastard so of course he's going to plead innocence, what other choice does he have, if he comes clean he knows that will be it, but hanging on by a thread he will try and break you down into believing he could never do such a thing, you have the evidence already OP, it's up to you what you do with it.

They get along ok, but DSS doesn't have the natural protective instinct that older siblings usually have. They were 10 and 5 when they met so the eldest was just about to embark on a big adventure of high school and the youngest was very much a small child.

DS worships DSS though and it's a bit heart breaking when I hear him telling his little mates, "my brother does that!"

Thankyou primeminister - that is reassuring to hear as my son has already been through one heart break with me - I'm terrified of what another will do to him.

Pity your cheating OH didn't think about the kids, as usual, it's the woman dealing with the fallout of the man thinking he can think with his cock and that's A ok.