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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

His rape jokes upset me - how to approach

192 replies

How2Bringitup · 30/06/2014 21:32

I'm a pretty shy person that doesn't like to cause a fuss. I find it difficult to bring up the subject of something upsetting me because for some reason I end up feeling like I'm being silly.

I met a new guy 3 months ago, he seems great and very supportive but he jokes about rape a lot. This is a big thing for me as a rape victim myself. He knows this about me. It happened to me when I was 15 and recently (since hes known me) it happened again.

He was incredibly good to me during that horrible time, he saw how distraught I was. He had made a few jokes before it happened and now, a few weeks later they have started again. They aren't actual one-liner jokes but he will drop rape into a made up scenario hes talking about for humorous effect. I dont laugh at these, just change the subject out of awkwardness.

Everytime I just hear the work I feel sick. He brought it up about 4 times this weekend.

How do I bring this up out of nowhere? I cant imagine hes intentionally trying to upset me so I feel guilty telling him that I feel upset.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 30/06/2014 21:33

He sounds like a total twunt to be honest....

Sorry for what you have been through....

Trollsworth · 30/06/2014 21:34

Don't feel guilty. He's being, at best, insensitive and possibly cruel.

LiberalLibertines · 30/06/2014 21:35

What? Either he has learning difficulties or He does know he's upsetting you.

3 months in? Leave the horrible bastard.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through, are you getting help?

fledermaus · 30/06/2014 21:36

Just stop seeing him. I find it hard to imagine he isn't doing it intentionally to be honest.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 30/06/2014 21:36

Why are you even still giving him the time of day?

AnotherSpinningFuckingRainbow · 30/06/2014 21:37

No. No normal guy jokes about rape. I'd say it's on his mind when he's around you, as he is aware of your past.

Not right. You should get rid of him imo.

msrisotto · 30/06/2014 21:38

Wow, stop seeing him!

LEMmingaround · 30/06/2014 21:38

Just leave him. He sounds horrible. You deserve better

AnotherSpinningFuckingRainbow · 30/06/2014 21:38

For context - I have known my DH 10 years and he has never made a rape joke in all that time.

I have many good male friends and they don't joke about rape.

4 times in a weekend shows it's on his mind Hmm

Mrsgrumble · 30/06/2014 21:38

Please get out of this relationship.

HilariousInHindsight · 30/06/2014 21:41

I have a friend who is like this. Very insensitive and immature but certainly not predatory.

I have been sexually assaulted and when he makes a joke about this or paedophilia I say, "You're pretty messed up!"

He does it at his place so I can't stop him but if he did it at mine I would tell him to ever stop them as they are offensive and if he doesn't ask him to leave.do this several times if necessary as if he does it often it's probably second nature.

However he must stop.

Some people use humour to cope with trauma so that is fine IF they only use it around those who mind. By not responding he may think you don't mind.

Another guy I knew in College joked about these types of things too. Both these blokes and one other are friends and do joke about these topics as well as terrorism/sex etc.

I think they enjoy being controversial.

I am so sorry he is being so insensitive though there is no need.

Hissy · 30/06/2014 21:41

He's showing you who he is.

Thoroughly unpleasant, and tolerant of rape. This is him supposedly on good behaviour too!

Bin him. No question, no discussion, no hesitation.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/06/2014 21:41

He is intentionally trying to upset you. This man is no friend - he is deliberately making you uncomfortable and you cannot afford to have him in your life. No-one decent would joke about rape whether they knew someone had been directly affected or not. If you can't confront him simply drop all contact. He's twisted

AnotherStitchInTime · 30/06/2014 21:41

Big red flag, I would begin to suspect he has issues around respect/liking women.

Notmadeofrib · 30/06/2014 21:42

REALLY?! I've been with DH 16 years and not one joke about rape. How can I be so sure? Because rape is not funny and I would have remembered something so distasteful.

I'm sorry you've had such terrible experiences.

Please don't tolerate this.

tribpot · 30/06/2014 21:42

Jesus Christ. The problem isn't just the fact that he 'jokes' about it, it's the fact that he does so repeatedly to you when you've just been raped.

No-one needs to tell a joke about rape ever. I have literally never heard one of my friends make such a joke. I don't think this is being done unintentionally, this seems calculated and disgusting.

If you want to raise this with him I wouldn't wait until the next time he makes such a joke, I would tell him straight out something has been bothering you and this is what it is. Even the mention of the word is deeply upsetting for you. More than that rape is not a laughing matter and you never want to hear it discussed in a lighthearted way again.

However, I would consider whether this is a person you want to spend any more time with. I fail to see how he can be regarded as 'good' to you during that horrible time (which is still going on) when he is behaving this way. He's telling you you should be over it by now. Dreadful.

FolkGirl · 30/06/2014 21:42

My exh was an arse in many ways, and abusive, but he would never have joked about this. In any way, shape or form. In fact, I don't know any men who do or would.

HilariousInHindsight · 30/06/2014 21:43

I also agree with the others though - if my partner did this we would part ways.

CocktailQueen · 30/06/2014 21:43

I have been with dh for 18 years and he has never made a joke about rape. Why would he? Your bf sounds like a nasty twat.

ScarlettDragon · 30/06/2014 21:43

Honestly? Walk away. It's only been 3 months, get out now before you're in deeper. He's pretty much telling you he finds rape funny. Even though he was supportive through your ordeal he doesn't see rape as a big deal. If he did he wouldn't joke about it. Normal men don't make rape jokes. (Not any I know, anyway).

I'm so sorry for what has happened to you. But I think the fact that he was supportive through your recent trauma is clouding your judgement. If he really cared about you he wouldn't be making rape jokes after knowing what you've been through. He's taunting you. Do you really want to be with someone like that? Rape jokes aren't funny, they're disgusting and upsetting. It's better to be on your own than with an arsehole like him.

CocktailQueen · 30/06/2014 21:44

X posted with notmadeof rib!

flipchart · 30/06/2014 21:45

My DH who I ave been with for 24 years has ever joked or hinted there was anything funny about rape.

My 14 year old son was horrified about 'rape face' jokes at school
My eldest son watched his friends mum being beaten up by one of her sons who has a severe learning disability and felt so much guilt that he couldn't do more to help ( the son has known physical violence and is 23 stone, DS was ordered out of the room by mum)

So these 3 no what's wrong and inappropriate but the goon your with for 3 months doesn't.

Get rid.

Poussay · 30/06/2014 21:45

He is horrible. Absolutely revolting man. Drop him like a stone.

I have also been raped and could not be with someone who made rape jokes. It makes me too angry. He obviously isn't disgusted by rape if he find it humorous and there is a hint of him somehow enjoying taunting you like this.

JustTheRightBullets · 30/06/2014 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alphabook · 30/06/2014 21:46

If he was "just" someone who jokes about rape I would think him an immature twat and wouldn't really want anything to do with him.

The fact that he's telling these "jokes" to someone who has been raped shows he is at best a completely insensitive, thoughtless dickhead, and at worst a very nasty, spiteful person.